Angry with my non binary brother- how to help SIL

[Angrywithmybrother]

I’m a long time lurker on these boards but feel confounded by this recent situation in my own life. I’m thinking just typing it will help.

My brother (in his 40s) came out as non-binary last year. He was quite tearful when he told me as he thinks I’m a TERF and probably thought I’d react badly. I didn’t say much - “I can see why you would want to go move away from narrow gender constructs” or something like that. My parents didn’t say much either apparently. I don’t think they understand the issues.

I saw my SIL recently at a family event and got chatting to her. She basically said that she is devastated by the whole thing. Apparently my brother just announced it to her and their friends at the same time. He has started to go to work and social events ‘as a woman’ now. Dressed in a stereotypical female way. He has also started to repeatedly correct their children’s use of pronouns towards him, even though they don’t understand. If my SIL questions it he calls her a transphobe and a bigot. She said she is at breaking point.

I’m just wondering if anyone has had any luck talking to someone about this and getting them to see both sides. I feel like my brother has been radicalised.

Yeah, its never these parts of society's expectations on being a woman they want to mimic, is it?

She needs to be reassured it's not transphobic to continue to be straight and to choose not to be married to a woman. She allows needs to be supported and encouraged to say clearly to all therapists and friends that she is going through a very difficult time as she has lost her husband and is supporting her children in the loss of their father and she and they need plenty of support without being mislabelled transphobes for their genuine confusion.

Let's pretend that the DB has come out to SIL and friends as gay or bisexual, in a group all together, without coming out to SIL in private first and giving her time to process this news.

We would all understand that it's not homophobic or biphobic to state that DB had been utterly contemptuous of his wife by not letting her be the first non-medical (as in, not a counselor or doctor) person to know, in private. We would all understand that she is well within her rights to want a divorce because she thought she was marrying a straight man and has found out that her marriage is founded on a lie.

The same reasoning applies to DB coming out as non-binary. It's not transphobic to state that DB has shown contempt to his wife. It's not transphobic to state that she is well within her rights to want a divorce because she thought she was marrying a man who did not wish to crossdress and was comfortable being called a man.

If DB calls his wife and people who support her bigots and similar, that says a lot more about him than the targets of his abuse.

Yes, because he is abusing his wife and children. Not because he's decided he is non binary. He could have gone about the whole thing in a much better way instead of acting like a selfish prick.

Friend of mine married a. Guy who did the same about 3 months after their wedding. They’re still married but I don’t think she wants to be.

it’s a horrible situation to be in x

You're right. I don't respect a man behaving in very typical male patterns of abuse in a domestic relationship, such as the manipulative behaviour and attempts to dominate and control seen in this post.

Nor do I respect a poster who reads about these patterns and whose instant sympathy and support goes with the abusively behaving male rather than the wife and children being damaged by their demanding and controlling behaviour.

SIL is quite entitled to say you do you but that doesn’t work for me. If you are at the point of publicly announcing a major life change without speaking to partner first then the relationship is already over.
I’d read Op as the brother coming out as non binary and had assumed perhaps incorrectly brother was wanting to use they/them pronouns but keep their name/dad the same.

Maybe we are ALL non binary we should all come out 😃

@DancingTortoise such an easy thing to say when it isnt happening you

Urgh your poor sister in law. The way he's come out smacks of narcissism and abuse and as for correcting the dcs don't get me started.

I can't imagine how I could stay married in her position. I'm so glad you're supportive of her.

Honestly, we should. That's the quickest way to make it go away.

Non binary means "I am special, not like you boring normies."

Non binary is such a strange concept. I think you’re right, it’s mostly about declaring yourself special and different to all the „normal“ people around you.
I know a woman in her forties who started calling herself non binary on social media in the last couple of years. I‘ve vaguely known her for over ten years, nothing about her look and the way she’s presenting herself changed (other than the added pronouns in her bio) - but than again she’s exactly the type to slap a label like this onto herself, to appear different, special and somewhat oppressed.

Your brother is being unreasonable. I think it's very hurtful and selfish to make an announcement to everyone without discussing it in depth with your partner first. Your SIL isn't transphobic or a bigot for questioning your brother if the change in pronoun is confusing the children. Ultimately, SIL has a choice she can choose to divorce your brother or she can choose to stay. No one would blame her if she wants a divorce after all she married a man.

Demonising your brother is not helpful. Him and his wife will split up, eventually. But he will still have access to his kids. Kids hearing their father being demonised tend to get very upset and may stop contact as they get older with the person doing this.
Just react how you would as if he had come out as gay. Say to him he should have told his wife and kids privately first. And that this is a difficult time of adjustment for everyone and he should be sensitive to that.

If you really believe this toxic, self indulgent, first world wank, then you must believe he’s not a man, so that means he not only tricked a straight woman into marrying him, but then told her she’d been tricked all this time in front of her friends. He’s been pretending to be a man all this time, which is also illegal when it comes to sex by the way, and now you expect her to put all that to one side because it’s all about his struggles?! If you really believe this, how would you ever expect a straight woman to continue a relationship with someone who isn’t a man?

So how can he be a good person deserving kindness, if he tricked and lied to his wife all this time by pretending to be a man? Or is it just a load of attention seeking bollocks after all?

Are there any real men anywhere anymore, ffs

To be clear, my empathy is absolutely with the SIL and the children, not just with the non-binary person. It may be that the way the non-binary person came out was messy and led to more pain than was necessary. These things often are like that, sadly. Coming out can be a difficult process to explain or rationalise.

What I am sure about is the person’s gender identity needs to be respected and accommodated. The very worst thing to happen would be an avalanche of hate.

I quite agree with the point others have made that it would be understandable if the SIL felt this was the end of the marriage. But that’s a very personal thing, really. It’s down to them, not us. Hopefully though they can maintain a relationship that is civil.

No. Just no.
My partner is a transman, but I chose to be with him. When we met I told him my reservations.

Your brother is bein

An entitled asshole. He has a wife ands kids. At that point just suck it up and get on with your life as a man. Non-binary is just wanting the world to know you're "special" for most people.

This is sensible advice

The job of a woman who has just been treated like this by their partner is not to have responsibility for respecting and accommodating their partner's new identity.

The partner will have plenty of people lining up to do that. My interest is in respecting and accommodating the needs of the woman, and supporting her in her concerns for their children.

@DancingTortoise but he’s genetically a man. The posters SIL married a MAN. Suddenly deciding to identify as a woman when you’re a married man with children and expecting them to just accept it??? You think that’s ok??

Also tell her she can't be transphobic because non-binary people aren't trans. My partner and I are pretty grossed out by the awful people making actual trans people look like assholes.

Exactly! your partner was above board and honest. And you were able to make informed decisions based on that knowledge.

This guy is Just being an abusive arse and so doesn't actually deserve much respect right now.