Angry with my non binary brother- how to help SIL

[Angrywithmybrother]

I’m a long time lurker on these boards but feel confounded by this recent situation in my own life. I’m thinking just typing it will help.

My brother (in his 40s) came out as non-binary last year. He was quite tearful when he told me as he thinks I’m a TERF and probably thought I’d react badly. I didn’t say much - “I can see why you would want to go move away from narrow gender constructs” or something like that. My parents didn’t say much either apparently. I don’t think they understand the issues.

I saw my SIL recently at a family event and got chatting to her. She basically said that she is devastated by the whole thing. Apparently my brother just announced it to her and their friends at the same time. He has started to go to work and social events ‘as a woman’ now. Dressed in a stereotypical female way. He has also started to repeatedly correct their children’s use of pronouns towards him, even though they don’t understand. If my SIL questions it he calls her a transphobe and a bigot. She said she is at breaking point.

I’m just wondering if anyone has had any luck talking to someone about this and getting them to see both sides. I feel like my brother has been radicalised.

Help your SIL to get a good divorce lawyer.

Even if you could look past the whole stupidity of suddenly becoming non-binary, he is still calling her a bigot and transphobe and confusing his children. He is being narcissistic and abusive. He "came out" to his friends and his wife didn't even know. He is no longer in team marriage.

He made a choice and his family was not it. Time to go.

So hard for SIL. And even more difficult that brother told her at the same time as friends, would have been common courtesy to tell sil first and seperately.

Just be there for her and supportive if she cant make their relationship work now.

Escalation

It did it in front of friends first because he wanted the attention / prevent her from being able to react.

It was trying to disempower her from the word go.

It says everything you need to know in terms of how much respect he has for his wife.

Your DB is fully entitled to make his choices, and choices have consequences. It is not reasonable or rational for anyone to expect SiL to just go along with this without her own feelings being taken into account in a relationship, particularly if he is choosing to confuse and upset their children in meeting his own needs without equal regard for hers and theirs.

I agree with pps, she needs signposting to the transwidows who get this, who will listen to her and her feelings without judgement or trying to impose his needs and agenda as some kind of unequal responsibility on her, and if she wishes to add boundaries for her own and the children's needs or to leave the relationship they will support her in that too.

The advice is often unfortunately from Twidows to be very careful of counselling as many well intentioned people will try to force women to enable and martyr themselves to make a partner happy in transition, as if their feelings, needs and equality in the relationship is not relevant. And quite apart from the abusiveness of this and how awful it can make an unhappy woman feel when she is told to just put him first and pretend, no happy or successful relationship is ever going to come from that.

It's like a religious conversion, and converts are often the worst zealots.

Relationships between a devoutly religious person (your brother) and an atheist (everyone else) are often difficult unless there is compromise on both sides and a true desire to make things easy for each other. I doubt your brother will compromise one iota, so your SIL may want to consider her options.

Sadly another form of coercive control. Sorry that your SiL and family is having to put up with his abuse.

Because if he dressed like a man everybody would know what he is.
He dresses in women’s clothing, nobody knows what a woman is.

What anincreasing said

Does sil find that attractive? If not she needs to leave. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with anyone who routinely called me a bigot. But then I'm not physically attracted sexaully to the female firm so that would be my line. Surely its like a 99 year old saying your ageist if you wouldn't shag him. Where does attraction fit in anymore? Mentally or physically?

Support does not mean buying into someone else's worldview.

You can only support those who will accept support on your terms.

I suspect you SiL falls into this category whereas your brother may not.

Good Lord, your poor SIL and her children.

In your shoes, I would be supporting her and the children fully to leave him and I would be limiting my contact with him.

He’s confusing the children - this will stay with them for a lifetime.

He can do what ever the hell he likes but he needs to keep it away from his children.

She is worried that the therapist is going to same as everyone else- It’s him that is going through a difficult time and she needs to support him etc.

This

your brother is an abusive prick

I don’t know how everyone does it. What he did was make a series of announcements at parties and work meetings, etc. He explained how harmful it is to use wrong prounouns, etc. since then he has escalated, wearing mainly women’s clothes (whatever they are), etc.

@DancingTortoise I hope you're being ironic but if not its pretty terrifying to see in black and white the nonsensical sound bites repeated on mass by people who have no grip on reality at all but who are so desperate to 'be kind' they actually do the very thing they are so opposed of (ie misgendering a person)....
It's probably because deep down you know non binary isn't really a thing and this is just a man who wants to dress up as a woman for kicks. Coming out as non binary is just the stepping stone to get there.

What a time to be alive!

The SIL is not the problem here, it’s the brother. He is the one who OP has an issue with.

Sounds like he's beeing a bit of a twat. I'm really sorry for your SIL. I definitely wouldn't put up with this gaslighting, attention grabbing behaviour.

In her heart she knows she wants out.
I wonder if she’s concerned she’ll be judged and considered a bigot /transphobe for leaving him?

he has broken the marriage contract though. Sil presumably did not know this aspect of his character when they married.
if he was my db he would get a piece of my terf mind and I’d do everything to support Sil and her dc. Including supporting her to have the courage to leave him. It is unreasonable behaviour to announce a drastic identity change and abuse your partners opinion.

It's up to your brother how he wishes to dress and how he wants to present himself. If his new found love if womens clothing and pronouns means that he and his wife are no longer compatible then she should get the hell out of dodge. In fact its strange she hasn't already done so.

As for how far you support your brother in this new life, that's up to you. One thing is for sure, he's not going back to the way he was anytime soon.

Non binary people dress how they "feel" that day so if its a dress then it's a dress

No - that's gender fluid.

Non-binary is you neither 'feel' like a male or a female, so would mostly dress androgynously.

See how ridiculous it all is.

Your brother needs a good kick up the arse. Another man play acting as a woman. I hope SIL leaves him.

My thoughts entirely….. wants his sorry arse kicked 🙄