Angry with my non binary brother- how to help SIL

[Angrywithmybrother]

I’m a long time lurker on these boards but feel confounded by this recent situation in my own life. I’m thinking just typing it will help.

My brother (in his 40s) came out as non-binary last year. He was quite tearful when he told me as he thinks I’m a TERF and probably thought I’d react badly. I didn’t say much - “I can see why you would want to go move away from narrow gender constructs” or something like that. My parents didn’t say much either apparently. I don’t think they understand the issues.

I saw my SIL recently at a family event and got chatting to her. She basically said that she is devastated by the whole thing. Apparently my brother just announced it to her and their friends at the same time. He has started to go to work and social events ‘as a woman’ now. Dressed in a stereotypical female way. He has also started to repeatedly correct their children’s use of pronouns towards him, even though they don’t understand. If my SIL questions it he calls her a transphobe and a bigot. She said she is at breaking point.

I’m just wondering if anyone has had any luck talking to someone about this and getting them to see both sides. I feel like my brother has been radicalised.

you what now? She has no problems with her sister in law. It's her brother who is being a dick.

Eggsactly my point. He states he is non-binary, as in NO gender, but then proceeds to dress like a woman.

He is taking the piss out of your SIL, his kids, the world, everyone.

Isn't that how everyone dresses?

Heartbreaking - can't get past the fact that the trasnitioning person didn't discuss it with THEIR SPOUSE before announcing it?!!!!

Keep open all channels of communication with SIL, make it clear to her you are there for her, and still aunt to her children.

Support your SIL, and I’d perhaps be gently suggesting to her that a bit of space for the kids might be a good idea, this must be horrendous for them.

Don’t tiptoe around your brother. Being non binary, trans, whatever doesn’t entitle him/them to behave like a bastard towards his family. Likely he’ll call you a TERF, and all manner of other things but I would still be telling him (in person) they everyone is trying their best but if he doesn’t try to be a bit more kind, and accept this is a big deal and takes a lot of getting used to, he/they will alienate their entire family.

Are you assuming the husband’s gender and pronouns? You transphobic bigot!

Wow what an attention seeker, announcing it in front of everyone with no thought to the impact on his wife. What a selfish prick.

Is it me or are these men that suddenly announce things like this always completely self absorbed attention seekers that think they're amazing? Always smacks of narcissism to me.

Well he has misunderstood Non-Binary for a start.
Perhaps SIL should start by telling him to decide if he is Non Binary or Gender Fluid because his costuming is confusing her.

Support your SIL as much as you can. Your brother is - at least for now - lost to a world of selfish indulgent nonsense and treating his wife and DC appallingly. His pronoun is actually Twat/Twats

I though non binary was when you don't identity as male or a female? I'm confused. Can someone explain please?

Absolutely this.

The utter self indulgent narcissism of the man!

i really feel for SIL and the kids. He clearly sees their entire function as being affirmation for him.

She is worried that the therapist is going to same as everyone else- It’s him that is going through a difficult time and she needs to support him etc.

In fairness she has a point; so many have been seized by the rightthink around trans issues that they could easily say just this

However while BIL's fully entitled to live as he chooses, so is DSis - and with the abusive attitude on top of the rest that would do it for me

I think it's wonderful you are taking your sister in laws side. I'm sure it is a huge comfort to her. Her and the children must be going thrubso much. Your brother is a selfish fool

If you wanted to do something to help her you could offer to ring around her local options with a list of questions to see where they stand on this issue?

Or you could contact Thoughtful Therapists (James Esses) or Genspect (Stella O’Malley) for their recommendations for therapists who work online?

A possible way to vet via questions is to ask counsellors about how they approach working with wives and girlfriends of men who crossdress/have autogynephila or other sexual paraphilias and don’t mention transgender or nonbinary at all.

if the counsellor seems well-informed re: paraphilias and is happy to work with a wife negatively affected by a crossdressing husband they are very unlikely to be a fully paid-up member of Team Gender Identity.

You don’t need to take sides.
He can decide to be whatever but she also has right to say no that doesn’t work for me I’m leaving relationship. It sounds like zero relationship anymore as no communication (not telling her in and of coming out publicly) and brother calling sil names.
I’d be by letting sil know you still want a relationship with her and the children whatever happens to their marriage.
Surely the pronouns pretty redundant in close family set up the kids call your brother dad and she calls him ‘Dave’’ Dave and I have separated… Dave can you pick up kids at 7pm…etc, kids your dad is getting you from school today etc.

He's in his 40s eh.

Back in the day, men in their 40s would have a midlife crisis and maybe indulge in an inadvisable motor vehicle or have an ill-judged affair with another woman.

These days it seems men in their 40s have a midlife crisis and commence a narcissistic love affair with themselves.

I feel like i should know but tend to non internally get the terms mixed up and wrapped around my neck! 🫣

you are referring to SIL I presume?

It's almost like it's not ... Real...?

Oh, what I'd give for some old-fashioned normality.