A year ago a close family member broke ties with me for being a terf. No fall outs previously.

[BluebellBlueballs]

I'm a little sad, exactly one year ago my brother found out I was gender critical and cut me off completely until I 'renounce my views '
He's not transgender or gay but seems to have accepted a woke moral superiority and called me a nazi and bigot for not including males in my definition of women.

I offered to agree to disagree and have a relationship but not talk about this one issue but he wouldn't accept that. Even for my dad's sake who is in his 80s and wants us to make peace.

I won't 'renounce my views ' at his command so despite my offer to agree to not discuss this one issue, we are now estranged.

What do I do? I have no ill intent towards transgender people but I believe in biological sex based definitions of humans and you cannot change sex. I had 2 very difficult pregnancies a man would never have to experience. I have lost my brother to the woke stasi and don't see a way forward.

I have to accept my brother is no longer in my life don't I?

Oh yes, he told me I wasn't a proper feminist etc. Like he's the authority!

I did something similar to a long time family friend who continued to misuse the word 'woke'. Drove me insane but they wouldn't listen so now I just do not engage with them at all.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has broken down like this, but glad to hear that you are sticking to your guns; you know that you are 100% right here.

Sad to say, but I think that you should make no move to contact him. He may come round and try to get into your good books again, in future.

If he's decided to be nasty, you have to ignore him.

”This might be an unhelpful thing to say, but men who are all in for gender ideology at that level often have some reason for being so fanatical about it. AGP tendencies or something.”

This flicked through my brain too. Even if he isn’t trying his girlfriend’s knickers on in front of the mirror, he must be an arrogantly self-righteous person to cut off his sister for holding a political opinion that is different from his.

I find it so weird and upsetting the view that GC people are similar to those supporting segregation in the US in the 50s or Nazis. It’s so wrong. Also how do they square that those who have always been left leaning decent people suddenly holding views the same as the worst of humanity?

Fortunately Dh is extremely cynical about other men’s motives and instinctively takes women’s side unless proved otherwise.

Oh I'm sorry. He's proper mansplaining to you. I hope sport starts to help him see the idiocy.

In my experience grown men who purport to believe in this twattery do so for one of three reasons

1. They haven't given it any proper thought
2. Their social circle depends on them believing
3. They have a sexually motivated reason for believing.

OP, I think dignified silence is your best option. Its definitely easier than agreeing to disagree and then having to pussyfoot round someone who, by the sound of him, would make endless needling comments not quite about the forbidden topic - sly dig at JKR, remarks about everyone needing to be 'respected' (except you, obviously).

I've lost friends, even very close ones, over this.

It really hurts.

I'm very appeasing. But if someone else chooses to walk away from you there's nothing you can do.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

If it makes you feel any better sometimes the most stubborn TRAs have private doubts and that is why they refuse to engage.

I would offer another olive branch, perhaps an Easter text saying you miss him. Life is too short to fall out over different beliefs.

If he responds then your the idea of avoiding the subject altogether is a good one.

OP - he may be a plonker, but you are still allowed to grieve the loss of the family relationship and the complexity in ongoing family dynamics, both for yourself and your father. I sympathise, having gone through something similar though not on this issue. It hurts, it makes me sad, and sometimes that wells up and I am very sad for a few days. But life goes on without them.

And for himself, he doesn’t sound like he adds much to your life. But also, why wasn’t your older brother prepared to pay the tip? Fine if he wanted your younger brother to do it, but unless you have had poor service it’s a bit mean not to tip waiting staff.

I think there is a 4th reason:

The desire to cause a fight which can only benefit them. It comes from a position of essential male privilege. They dont see the problem with women losing space, feeling vulnerable, losing opportunities etc to a transwoman because none of it impacts on them.

If women are forced to accept transwomen into women's space then that just leaves more room in the men's space.

And if the women and transwomen fight, then hey! There's a floor show as well!

I'm sorry you're going through this horrible situation , @BluebellBlueballs . It must be upsetting to lose a friend and family member - albeit you are both young enough that it may not be a permanent rupture.

I agree with pp , time for a spell of ' masterly inaction '. As to his motivation , your guess is way better than ours. In the case of my own brother lockdown played a part in his descent into anti vax and ' sovereign citizenship '. I'm sort of using the grey rock approach myself.

But it is very depressing. You are not alone!

I think you are really great and you have seen right through this twat. I was laughing at the bit about the tips, when he was happy to be freeloading all night. If he's not speaking to you and owes you money I'd call in the loans while I was at it.

It sounds like you won't respect his view that the gender critical movement is marginalising segments of society that already face discrimination. I'm a scientist, yes I do understand biological differences. But we also live in a time where through surgery and hormones we can adapt these to treat what I would consider a medical condition. Gender is a social construct that younger generations are finally tearing apart which is the biggest gift to feminism.

As a scientist I want evidence yet we have family in the arts that are all about feelings. I was/am a big provaccine scientist, yet part of our family (who we are seeing today) refuse to get vaccinated. We agreed we would stop with the science so we didn't fall out, it doesn't mean we don't still think that, they just don't know about our views and we don't discuss it around them.

May I ask. What medical condition is surgery and drugs treating?

It sounds like you won't respect his view that the gender critical movement is marginalising segments of society that already face discrimination.

How is standing up for women's rights marginalising anyone?

You're a scientist and yet you think surgery and hormones can adapt chromosomes ansd undo the effects of male puberty?

IMHO the OPs brother does not want to see that women are a marginalised segment of society which faces multiple discriminations. It's always interesting to wonder why some men cannot understand or face this fact.

@Grumpybutfunny What are you saying is a ‘medical condition’? Gender dysphoria? Quite a proportion of people would consider you a TERF for expressing that view.

@SallyLockheart gender dysphoria is a recognised medical condition covered under the equality act.

Do you mean like anorexia?

The view that one has to have gender dysphoria to be trans is considered transphobic by some.

I also don’t think the equality act mentions gender dysphoria.

Sorry, you cut a long time family friend out of your life for using a word in a way you don't like? Wow. Some friend.

I have to accept my brother is no longer in my life don't I?
I would rephrase it. You have a father in your life. You have an older brother in your life. You have a younger brother, who doesn't want you in his life despite your offer to 'agree to disagree'. You are not the one in the wrong here.

Concentrate on those who are the good people in your family.