FWIW and this is probably not the thread for it, your middle paragraphs do sum up my position on the gender ideology debate. I will have to remain gender critical due to not only the damage to women not doing so does, but also because there is no such thing as a just and fair system really, that can arbitrate who is "trans enough" to be accepted into single sex spaces and who isn't.
I will admit I oscillate on this point quite a lot. Sometimes I believe that there are cases in which people are so trans that it no longer makes sense to consign them to single sex spaces designed for the opposite sex. But ultimately, in settings where women are genuinely in vulnerable positions in that same sex environment, I do come down on the GC side.
What I do have a problem with is how hard it is to separate this view with the transphobia of trans people as an entire demographic that goes with it. Like on MN where people claim that they're not transphobic, only care about the appropriation of womens' rights and spaces, but then denigrate trans people, imply and discuss how it's solely a sexual fetish, disparage the very idea of using preferred pronouns etc. I fail to see how any of that behaviour is relevant to upholding the rights of women and is not just hatred of trans people, or at the very least an indifference to their wants and needs as a group.
I can acknowledge that TRA and #nodebate has perhaps contributed to a perceived need to be combative and it seems that many at least on here, have developed an all or nothing attitude. I also understand how the phrase "trans women are women" has become detrimental to the trans rights cause because it's easy to interpret that as "trans women are biological women". I never interpreted the phrase like that but it seems I'm in the minority there and even public authorities talk about TWAW like it means that.
I genuinely don't understand what is so hard about saying that sex matters and that some spaces are single sex for a specific reason and that you as someone born male don't have the lived experience needed to decide that that is irrelevant, but also that we can respect that trans identity is real and valid and that most parts of every day life are not segregated by need for single sex spaces and therefore there is no problem with accepting peoples' gender identity in society.
People on here always say that they do think that and they don't care that people identify as trans but then lose their minds at the idea of using pronouns etc. How can one fight the legitimate fight for women's rights when one is engaging in activity which rightly lands them labelled as transphobic? If that is your genuine intention and you genuinely aren't transphobic, does it not bother you that you might be unintentionally acting in such a way?