7 yo boy wants to wear dress and tights to school

[TotallyAverage]

My DS has not long turned 7. We've always allowed him to choose his clothes and shoes, toys, books etc as much as he is interested so he has occasionally worn pink trainers and sparkly hairbands etc but generally isn't bothered and just wears navy tracksuit bottoms and a Minecraft/super mario t-shirt. Lately he's been pushing more and more to wear dresses and tights especially to school and I'm not sure how best to reply.

We've always tried to teach him that it doesn't matter how he dresses, what his hair looks like, what toys or films he likes, he's a boy and is male. Boys and girls can like anything they want to, there's no such thing as boys toys etc.

We've done this in a fairly gentle way but always been consistent, I've always thought it was the right thing to do. I'm not totally sure now, as he is questioning why he can't wear a dress to school, if it doesn't change who he is. Essentially asking me to put my money where my mouth is!

As a 3, 4, 5 year old at nursery I'd have let him, he had plenty of princess clothes and things he could wear, but to school/beavers etc? I also don't want anyone to make more of it than it is. We're in Scotland and I feel like we have to be extra careful how we discuss sex and gender with the children.

I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well here, I'm basically trying to say to him dresses are only for girls, but also that he can be who he wants and wear what he wants... I'm in a guddle with it. Maybe I'm overthinking? Any wisdom?!

I think it is an odd pretence that it is somehow unnatural to define sexes socially. In which cultures or societies has this not been the case?

Of course in our own advanced society we can question the presumptions that go with that, but does that mean putting a 7 year old in the vanguard especially at school where the point of uniform is partly to show you are part of a group for during the school day?

At the least it seems to be saying “Look at me, I’m different” even if that isn’t the intention.

A non-uniform day, or World Book Day, or weekend would be different.

Well, if you’re a boy, dresses are quite special and usually have special names. Kilts are for celebrations or part of a uniform, priests wear special dresses called cassocks to show they’re priests. A Muslim boy might wear a special dress called a thobe to pray.

(And nowadays, some silly adults think dresses are so special that they can magically turn a boy into a girl…)

Since you’re Scottish, maybe ask him if he’d like a kilt for his birthday? He can wear that to school on non-uniform days.

He’s exploring the world and trying to figure out why boys ‘can’t’ wear dresses when they obviously can; it’s just explaining that that ‘dresses for boys’ have different rules and different names.

I know it must be difficult but there's no reason he can't wear a dress, is there? It sounds like you've raised him telling him one thing, and now that push comes to shove, you're doing a u-turn.

If anybody has a problem with him wearing a dress, they're the problem, not him! I guess the next conversation would be how to deal with these things...

If he wears a dress to school, if his dad is around, maybe he could wear one too to drop him off and pick him up prove the point that there is no reason why not, and he could go to parents’ evening that way too. And to work, just to show your ds it is all perfectly normal.

Excactly this ! Why can we just say this is the girls
Uniform
And this is the boys one ? Why it has become so complicated ? O despair more and more seriously

Its not normal !!

I think it is a no from me. Whilst I am happy for my child to challenge gender norms, I don't think that extends to sending my son to school in a dress, because I think it would be a one way ticket to socially transitioning.

Nope.

Lots of older men who need to keep warm e.g. cadets wear tights under trousers.

So yes he can wear tights but he can't wear a dress because it is too damn cold.

Not sure if this has been suggested or not, but as you're in Scotland, can he wear a plain grey or black kilt? Such as this www.next.co.uk/style/st360061/595660?dp=a&dndl=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI3JL9_8Dj_AIVksvtCh0GIA4YEAQYBCABEgLH4PD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds#595660

Nearly all societies have cultural norms around dress and they are usually different for the 2 sexes.

The idea that's it's just an oppressive imposition is just so naive. Why would all cultures do this irrational thing??

And the idea that you should encourage children to reject the cultural expectations of their own society is just harmful to them. Question them sure. Reject them as an adult if you choose. But first at least understand them.

Why not wear just pants to school on a hot day?
Many cultures do eat sitting on the floor. Why should your child be required to sit in a chair at lunchtime?
Many cultures infrequently bathe. Why should your child wash if they don't want to?

We've taken the positive principle that people who are different should be accepted, to the ludicrous and dangerous principle that there should be no norms. That's basically queer theory. Now being applied to kids.

Sorry - just realised kilts have been mentioned already!

Would you say that to a 7 year old girl that wanted to wear the school skirt / dress?

For the love of God don't do this.

Most people will think your DH is a weird Trans dad and you're Transing your kid as well, and that you're Fucking insane.

Whereas in reality you will be demonstrating your gender critical beliefs, but no one will get this because most people don't believe gender is just a construct. And even if you explain to them they'll think you're Fucking Insane.

FWR is not the real world.

I thought that post was sarcastic

Ah. I hope so 😬

Yes indeed @MalagaNights .

So is the consensus that differential treatment according to sex is appropriate?

MalagaNights, I agree but I don’t think it is all right to use a 7 year old to change customs on their own, hence, tongue in cheek, I ask that if this is going to happen an adult takes some of the burden on themselves.

No. The consensus is boys without gender dysphoria should wear the boy’s uniform for the school they attend and the girls without gender dysphoria should wear the girl’s. Where’s the differential treatment?

Just say no, you're a boy so your uniform is this. Then ignore as it will pass. He won't thank you in 10 years time and sees photos of himself in a dress. We need to stop this madness.

Apols @ScrollingLeaves I missed the tongue in cheekness in my hasty outrage!

And agree a child shouldn't be put at the forefront of challenging customs alone.

I sense with parents who do this that they take pride in what it represents about them, at the expense of the child who actually cannot find their place in society.

This is the most sensible reply I've read in ages on mn 🙏🏻

I hate how restrictive gendered clothes have become over the past decade, and am all for encouraging kids and adults to wear what they like and not care about fashion etc, but we also need to be aware of the social “boundaries” that are acceptable for clothing/fashion, and school/work wear should be comfortable, practical, and suitable, you could explain that dresses aren’t a practical or suitable choice for school for boys.

This.

OP I was in the same boat a year or so ago. Similarly really made me question my own motives. He's mostly forgotten about the idea now.

In case of school, i feel it's too big a teasing risk. I like the 'clothes for ease of weeing' explanation from a PP. I also think 'people would find a boy in a dress distracting because it's unusual, and the school don't want everyone distracted from their work - and that includes him' It's logical but non-specific.