Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

[Moomoola]

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

I don't know if this will be helpful, OP, but I hope it gives you some ideas!

grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/how-to-deprogram-a-rogd-teen-part?publication_id=67309&post_id=96473980&triggerShare=true&isFreemail=true

OP I'd just come here to post a link, but beastlyslumber beat me to it. This article is just setting out the parent's stall, so keep watch out for part 2.

I’d not text the mother OP, particularly not anything antagonistic - it’ll get turned back on you. Even if your DD sees & understands your messages as being expressions of love & concern, she will be told you are interfering. That you are trying to control her. You are a transphobe who wishes to hurt her. She will be pressured into sending you messages designed to hurt you; & her confused & conflicted wee soul will only be damaged more by that, because at this point she’s not actually been fully alienated from you by that pair of monsters.

Look after yourself.

Thank you! beastly and I cake
grahma linehan is amazing. Thanks for the link. I need part two! I will read up on cults.
Thanks nitronine I think you are right.

Also nitronine we are now looking for a cat, who knew they were so hard to find! And the Helen Joyce video is ace. Thanks everyone.
need to read your links to keep sane, on the one hand, lovely! Dd has a partner! On the other we found out dds depression and isolation started shortly after she met x. Definitely drip feeding going on. The school is crap. Everyone is throwing mermaids and stonewall at me. Wtaf.

Good advice from @beastlyslumber

Misery loves company, OP. This girl/boyfriend of DDs is obviously going to be depressed given the testosterone and the realisation that it hasn't actually turned her into a boy, just a damaged girl. The girl will probably find comfort in having that shared journey wiith your DD too, so I think your DD will be coming under pressure to start testosterone or even to 'try' some of her girlfriend's. The mother will want this too, to support her own terrible decision to harm her daughter's health.

I'd be worried that's the aim with her new job - to buy hormones.

Anyone got any advice for me? I wake up every morning with a hole in my heart. I’m being jolly and being there for ds. He changes the subject if I mention dd.
Dh is a big ball of anxiety.and keeps telling me we have to be more active. It’s exhausting and I don’t know how. Dh has masses of work on and is stressed out.
Of course he makes excuses re seeing docs or counselling.
I feel like I’m a bit of sellotape holding a rapidly crumbling parcel together!

Thanks pear picking just cross posted.
ao nice to hear a voice of sanity! I think that’s what is happening too.
you have put it very succinctly which I will use. I am not getting across to the school/ anyone that this could happen. I’m blithely told it’s takes years on the nhs and there’s lots of counselling. Even dd told me this ( with the caveat that she doesn’t think there should be waiting lists ffs.)

it is following the script in the Abigail Shriner book, irreversible damage.
I think that’s exactly what’s happening. I doubt my sanity though as according to every helpline etc I’ve phoned it’s all our fault as we didn’t call her the right name. If we just do that we’ll be golden.

no one can see that it seemed to get a lot more intense when she met x.
no one can seem to see she has deeper issues than a glittery layer of trans.
No one can see what you so succinctly pointed out.
no one will work with me because she’s 17 so I have no idea what the counselling she’s getting is all about, apart from it’s an lgbt counselor.
im reassured by someone who works with the counsellor that they listen, don’t suggest. But obviously there are ways of listening.

she hasn’t taken any clothes and just has thin plimsoles. I’m hoping she has to buy shoes first. Hormones are ridiculously cheap.

thanks for all your posts, I would be going bonkers without them.🧁

I've just read this whole thread. My heart goes out to you - you're living my worst nightmare. As I was reading I was wondering what I'd do? I think the advice of playing it cool - strategically - is wise. Also being respectful of pronouns and names.

I think I would assume my DD isn't happy - and it sounds like x has a part to play in this. So I'd try to passively - not too much otherwise it looks obvious - remind them of home and the love they have there.

E.g - get a bunch of folk around to yous that they like, then post happy smiling photos from in the garden on Facebook. Photos of a meal you've prepared, the family pets (I'm not sure my DD could leave her cat). Photos of anything hilarious. All on Facebook to drip-feed love. My gut is she'll feel lonely for you - my dd would be. Back this up with regular invitations to meet - include x if need be - and bright cheerful chat about what you've been doing. This to make sure she knows she's not being excluded from it all and can always come back - she has the choice.

I think I'd plan a holiday somewhere. One that involved booking flights, if you can afford it (I can't). Then ask her if she'd like to come. Tell her you need to book. If she doesn't come, photos again plus messages that you're missing her and wish she was there.

I think this would pull on my DDs heart strings massively and contrast what she has with x with what she's turning her back in. But these are just thoughts I had while reading ... others more wise might see the flaws in this instantly.

Above all - I wish there was something comforting I could say to ease your worry. You and your husband must be going through total hell. I'm so sorry.

And x has decided she’s male enough so is reducing the hormone intake.

Try as much as you can to separate narcissistic abuse from trans issues despite the mashing them together.

Coercion is a criminal offence. It’s domestic abuse. I understand that’s truly where your concern is. Make it explicitly clear every time.

I think you would benefit from some counselling OP, if you can find someone who won't gaslight you.

I would also give yourself permission to switch off once in a while. Maybe have a family games night once a week where the rule is you have to have a laugh and no talking about serious subjects. Everyone needs a break xx

Thank you pscratchedbymycat
I appreciate it.
that’s probably half the problem, we are a bit brassic and just working hard, so holidays and adventures are fairly non existent and dd obviously has the adventure bug.

you have just reminded me that the pair of them booked to go to fly to a big town for a concert at half term. I even encouraged it !
she will, I guess, need money for that. Which I won’t be paying.

dd will need her passport. Do I give it to her? Or do I say you should have thought of that before you legged it.
obv have to give it to her but really don’t want to. Makes me nervous.

Well she'll have to talk to you if she wants money for a trip, so that might be a good thing. But I wouldn't hold it over her - she'll resent it and it will drive her closer to x and psycho mum.

Thanks beastly and coolheaded I will keep the two much more separated. i try but I’m not getting it across so I need to be firmer.
I think people don’t want to hear coercion they want to tell me ‘young love, 17 and be accepting’
I agree we need some fun, especially ds. Dh is beginning to do my head in. He chews on a problem over and over, which is what makes him good at his job, but it’s fairly exhausting at home.
thank you so much

Thanks beastly good point.
we are getting minimum texts, so that’s good.

Keep a line of communication open

Ask your DH to put some boundaries around "chewing" time. A cut off point in the evening, maybe. Everyone would benefit from some down time and problems like this can't be resolved by one person alone. You all need to find patience and treat it as a marathon rather than a sprint. Ask your DH to chew on other problems, such as, how can we make things more fun for DS? And, what can we do to stay close as a family when we are missing DD? Some kind of self/peer counselling can be good, e.g. you take turns for both of you to talk for 10 minutes. When one person is talking, the other person isn't allowed to say anything. When the time's up, the listener tries to summarise what they've heard WITHOUT trying to fix or change anything. Then swap over. It can be a good way of supporting one another, if you do it right.

Keep lines of communication open watch this video to see how you should never give up www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0700912/abused-by-my-girlfriend

I think you need a mindset shift here. Don't even consider doing things for the reason "you should have thought of that before you legged it". Yes, it could be argued that's a fair statement, but is it going to help repair your relationship with your child? No. Really think about what you want your approach and end goal to be here.

Thank you.
good point tattygirl
im trying to watch the video coolheaded finding it difficult! Will have another go.
wondering what we did that is so bad she (and possibly bf/ gf ( I’ve invited both) ) is umming and ahhing about going for a coffee with me. I said it would be lovely to chat with you, and them as they are important to you. I also mean it. I am delighted she’s met someone, just less delighted that she’s run off and is being ( I think) encouraged to have surgery. She’s certainly not being discouraged.
not at all sure dd is happy. Not at all sure she will be able to say to partner,’I’m meeting my mum’ last time I met dd she was worried ‘because partner thought you’d be cross’ err? Red flag right there. I’m known as the last person to get cross. Dd knows this.9or I thought she did.
she says she’s doing this for herself. I want to ask are you sure about that? I also want to say,’ but it’s not just you. It’s your family, your grampnparents who are so worried, and all of us who will always love you’
i did say,’ that’s cool but there might be easier ways. Dh exhausted and in bed at 7 Watching a film.
thanks everyone.

@Moomoola my heart goes out to you. I haven’t experienced anything similar to this but my family did go through a lot of trauma in recent years (I had cancer) and my eldest dd at 22 has recently experienced a lot of anxiety and depression, especially around the feeling that she didn’t have enough parenting for a while when I was very sick and my DH was very overwhelmed, working, caring for me and 3 kids. She is at Uni 30 minutes away, she told me how she was feeling when I took her out for breakfast one day (I am in the USA). I told her that I feel mood disorders need a multi pronged approach and that (possibly) meds & talk therapy are v important but so is diet, exercise, sleep, having hobbies and interest and reconnecting to friends and family.

She has been on anti anxiety meds and found daily hot yoga a fantastic help, she also has a loving family and friends and she is doing a lot better.

What I mainly wanted to mention though was that we found space in both our schedules and every Wednesday morning I drive over with our dog and we go on a long walk together (often stopping for a takeout breakfast on the way). We have always had a good relationship but this has really helped us to just have one-on-one time and enjoy each other’s company. Being IRL, offline with no phones is also a plus.

So I was wondering if you can find a way to just be together the two of you in a similar simple way, and not talk about anything to do with her gender identity etc. Just be together and enjoy each other’s company. A lot of the time actions speak louder than words and making time to be with her and just literally walking alongside her is a powerful healing/bonding mechanism. It may have no impact on the decisions she makes but in months or years to come she may think about the fact you were always there no matter what and that you clearly do love her (even if she is telling herself different right now).

So much of this capture of girls seems to be with their insecurity, loneliness, confusion and anger, whether it’s to do with puberty, mood disorders, autism, social pressure, chronic online persuasion or whatever.

As hard as I’m sure it is, if you can just take the pressure off and absolutely refuse to touch the subject when you are together, hopefully your motherly love and relationship will prevent her from being able to convince herself that you are an unfeeling monster.

Are you able to ever spend time alone together?

** just read your update and it sounds like you are literally trying to do that presently!

I think that's a really thoughtful post @BearingFalseWitness