Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

[Moomoola]

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

That’s so nice. I’d also keep it very positive and casual. I wouldn't mention her birthday. If she says nothing , I’d be sticking 50 quid into a card because that’s what my adult children get. If she does mention it, ask what her plans are. Tell her you’d hoped to take her to Paris, but of course know that wont be happening now. But only if she raises it. They really will be dissing every generous gesture you make as trying to buy her back, whilst feeling the power of having you over a barrel. Just don’t play. Maybe turn her room into a sewing room/ guest bedroom / home office.

Sorry itsametalband I didn’t see your post. Of course DH and I are thinking the same. I’ve told her gran to get her a necklace h that’s he won’t wear!) absolutely no money!
hag unfortunately it was a suprise, but I think I’ll mention it as zebra,suggests. That’s very good advice to not mention the birthday unless she does. I don’t want to be told she’s planning something without us.
They really will be dissing every generous gesture you make as trying to buy her back, whilst feeling the power of having you over a barrel. Just don’t play. Maybe turn her room into a sewing room/ guest bedroom / home office.
thanks for this, I do need to break the pattern of power and was wondering how, it feels like whatever I do will be manipulated. And of course you are right, they’ll be dissecting every comment. I can’t believe I’m , or we, are playing games with my DD like this.
sewing room..now there’s a thought!😂

I might be a softie, but 18 is a big birthday. You're correct, absolutely no money, but maybe a box of macaroons, or a hobby book? It sounds like maybe a hobby would do her good anyway, and might lead to friends outside of the controlling gf.

Anyway, I think you're doing a great job with DS :)

I’m so glad you enjoyed your holiday with DS!

If it were my wayward-gender DD’s 18th I would buy her a bit of classic rock and roll jewellery (suitable for all 100 genders!) and have it engraved on the back/on the inside so she can’t sell it or give it away 😂

Something that’s genuinely cool to wear now but iconic enough she’ll want to keep it forever (even if it’s carefully stored in it’s box in another 18 years time).

A little shiny object that will make her feel a little bit connected to you when she wears it, with a super simple, not too gushy, inscription, something like ‘18 years - love, Mum xx’

My favourite shop (expensive but hold their value secondhand)

The Great Frog

Less expensive (but still hand cast silver made in the uk)

Bloody Mary Metal

I'm so glad she messaged you and I think a light-hearted response is the way to go. Love the jewelry idea and also the idea to say, "How about I take you to Paris for your 18th?" Dangle that carrot.

I agree with this so much! A really fun and thoughtful idea for a gift.

If you like the jewellery idea, look up Stephen Einhorn. Fits the gender neutral/rock and roll vibe, also very a “queer” friendly brand (there’s a LGBTQIAXYZ+ section on the website 😄).

Oooh thank you, I love ALL the jewellery suggestions! Think I remember Frog from my Camnden days ( sigh) mr di horn is v clever having and lgbt etc section! Nice schmutter.
I tested as suggested a ‘we are ticketyboo and it’s sunny, hurrah’ (brain went dead re funny stories!) and had a few texts each way as I sympathised with her over the death of K-pop star who she liked. That was it, I asked no questions, Didnt suggest meeting or calling. Let her leave the last text.😳

so DH is cross because I shouldn’t have been friendly, should have told her the damage she’s caused. I said, she’s not going to say,’thanks dad, I’ll come home then. ‘ he is adamant we publicise the story so the mum is so scared she’ll insist DD comes home. He is still at me for being too soft, not being proactive, calling school etc. I just don’t know what it will achieve.

The family therapist called to say if we can both come and agree to what we’ll call DD , she suggests new name, then she can hopefully get DD to come to a session. DH thinks it’s pointless he refuses to use her new name. I totally get why, but it seems a silly battle to lose the war.

DH wants to discuss this ( every night and morning) and it seems it usually ends up with a row, as I defend the approach of being loving and as you, and countless mates and counsellors have said, letting the rope go slack.
Exhausting!
thanks for the advice. I guess I’m now waiting to hear. May suggest going to paris in summer but time doesn’t feel right atm.

P.s now have a mum crush on the fabulous posy Parker . Her reaction to Daniel Radcliffe is fabulous.

Yeah DP kind of needs to chill. I do sympathise with him, as a 'do something' person myself. But you are 'doing something' and I think the collective wisdom here is you're doing the right thing. Any chance you can make time for some self-care this weekend? I'm sure you could do with some.

Moomoola, if DH won’t agree to call dd by new name (only in the therapy session if necessary) then is he likely to be able to behave in a way which makes a therapy session with dd useful? I might have misunderstood this, but would it be possible for you to get a family therapy session with just you and dd? I could see that being really helpful for both of you
Well done re the texts. It must have been really hard not to reply, but I think you’re absolutely doing the right thing

Your husband's approach would be sensible if she was 12, but she isn't she's 17 and I presume will be 18 this year. Any court will support your daughter's wishes over his. He needs to think longer term and be a pleasant loving father she can have more adult-adult conversations with as she becomes an adult.
His ideas are just silly and it's a shame he can't realise his approach will just drive your daughter further away from the people who love her

Thank you! What you're saying must be working - I've had a other text!
She's feeling sad as leavers party and she didn't have anyone really to talk to. ( Don't know where X is). I want to say, not surprised! You lwhere hanging out with a very odd looking partner and haven't shown up in ages. Poor thing
Again I want to say, that sounds difficult it is hard to move on, but not sure . DH is saying no more 'aww, sympathy ' and leave a few days.

No, she is reaching out to you - don't turn your back or she will be very hurt.

Empathise with her. That sounds really difficult. I'm so sorry you're going through that.

You don't have to ask any questions if you're not ready to do that. But you need to show that you care.

Your H sounds so controlling and emotionally illiterate. It's not up to him how you communicate with your daughter. He needs to wind his neck in.

Dropping the rope seems to be working! So don't reject her but don't jump in too hard with a big fuss either. Like @beastlyslumber says, just something along the lines of "I'm sorry, that sounds hard" might be about enough?

Are the very different approaches between you and DH, and the way DH vents at you so much about DD, things that you could discuss with the family therapist? In a session for just the two of you and not with DD or DS, obviously.

You are still doing such an amazing job. Respect!

Thank you wise ones!
yes mum good idea. The therapist actually said if I can’t get DH to come, to go on my own. He’s just so eaten up by all this. Texting her now 👍

Beastly is right - she’s reaching out to mum and showing vulnerability - don’t push her away now!

’Feeling alone in a crowd IS hard - we anticipate the difficulties in big emotions things like anger, envy, disgust & terror but the quieter ones, disappointment, worry, sadness, loneliness can sneak up and take us by surprise. Hope you feel a little brighter today xx’

As for the name, would DH compromise with an initial? First letter of the new name? First letter of old name? Both combined if it sounds good together?

Active listening is what should kick in now. Silence is fine! Signal that you care, that you are available, that you are listening and won't judge.

Sit on your hands if necessary.

https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/empowering-teens/active-listener/

Lurker here, full of admiration for you loving thoughtful responses

Just wanted to say I did family therapy with my three sons . But .. we had 8 sessions, I went to them all , they boys attended 3 sessions, 3 sessions (different ones) and 1 session respectively ticket. Still super useful to me ...
good luck

Never would I let my husband tell me when and how to text my own child. He can deal with her his way- so far she has left home and wants no communication with him. Preserve your relationship, answer those texts, he's not helping at all. I would also find someone lecturing me morning and evening unacceptable as a way to live but that's your choice.

Also, remember just because she's stuffed up (in your eyes) doesn't mean she isn't deserving of sympathy and a mum's listening ear- it is hard to be a teen whatever is going on and going places and feeling out of place, or lonely or like things are hard is normal, whatever the reason. It's great she's got you.

I’d love to actively listen! I’ve sent her this.’.I’m sorry that does sound hard. And a big deal.’
she’s just texted back!with ‘yeh but ah well ‘
now IM like a 17 yr old, what does that mean? Should I respond?! Will she call again!
sitting on hands! Or delete button at least!
Dear clog DH says he won’t call her anything. But the intitlas of old and new name sound good. I used to shorten her new name so at least it was unisex!

Just text back something like, hope it feels easier soon, talk to me if it helps, love you lots.

Don't ask questions or lead her through it, just let her know you're there for her and love her, then leave it up to her if she wants to say more.

I dunno but - how about just sending a heart emoji? It's like, she has "acknowledged" your message so you just "acknowledge" hers.

A lot of human communication is really just two people signalling"the channel is open" at both ends. The words aren't the main thing.