Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

[Moomoola]

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

The school's participation in this horrifies me. Where's the safeguarding? If DD is in a coercive relationship, not only did the school support it, they actively colluded by cutting you out and helping her abuser to isolate her further. Really, if they believed she was actually being harmed at home, they should have asked authorities to check into it rather than try 'fix it' themselves.

This is so heartbreaking. I'm so glad you found a way through it 💐 .

My thoughts - try to keep it non-political with the head. As parents you should be kept informed by the school and the guidance teacher might not have been doing things properly. The head flipped it back to the guidance teacher but that's fobbing you off and the guidance teacher could have been overstepping - I mean don't say that, but you can ask why you were not kept informed, ask what should have happened, and what is the process? Polite but firm, ask questions.

You could say you are concerned that DD's relationship might be coercive. The teacher should not be rushing in to intervene like that! Did DH agree to it? You could say that the teacher immediately said he would speak to DD, and ask was that appropriate?

Kind of work on the basis that everyone wants what's best for DD but there can be misunderstandings and confusions.

As for the Mum's secret drinking - where did this story come from? Is this something DD passed on from X before she left, in which case you could possibly say you are worried because DD told you some worrying things about X's Mum and of course you don't know if they are true or not but DD still went to stay with them even after she told you these things although DD seemed to believe they were true.

I would normally let my DH lead in this, he is great at doing the Calm Reasonable Man while I play up the Worried Agitated Mum fretting over her chick, but you may be better at this than your DH!

When dealing with the school - which we had to do when DC was younger and had other issues - DH and I would agree what we we wanted to get across and what outcome we wanted from meetings, and we played to our strengths. Our objective usually wasn't to get a solution right then. At our first few meetings we needed to show we were onside with the school, not minimising DC's behaviour and willing to explore possible disabilities.

Your objective might just be to show that you are engaged sensible parents with real concerns about your DD and not crazy politicised transphobes. And that you want to work with the school to manage DD's situation - which you can only do if you are on the same page and the school have a complete picture not just whatever DD and X are telling the guidance teacher. And if the school are following proper processes.

The guidance teacher shouldn't be talking to DD without first getting proper support from management and safeguarding. At least that's what I think - you could ask the head if s/he agrees?

Thank you. I’m away with DS. I hope he’s not bored! He doesn’t say anything at all, but I guess that’s teens. He’s so painfully shy. He misses his sister, but doesn’t comment on any discussion bro and I have. I wish I knew how he was taking all this. I’m so afraid of losing him, or him being hurt by this that I’m , According to bro, over mothering him.

After several requests, I got a polite note from the school saying DD has told them not to contact us and that DD leaves officially soon anyway. I will take it further after Easter. Im a bit astounded tbh.
I managed to chat to DD who was chatty hurrah!and has got into a college, I think X is applying to same. Imagine they will live with X mum. Im an idiot, I got so confused with what to say and pronouns etc. i mentioned how the trans ideology is to encourage leaving home and mentioned Jeffry marsh who she hadn’t seen. She asked if we’d visited her grans, which we hadn’t done, she is guessing it was a ploy by DH - which I guess it was. Pretty sure X was listening in.
she’s obviously being encouraged to go non contact. I’d treat it as a mad relationship but I am really concerned.

i agree re writing a letter, I hope to see her when we get back, with one.She’s agreed to chat, but it feels like we are getting 1 step forward, 3 back.

im wondering whether to send her links. I thought this was a good one, but don’t know if it wail make things worse. This is on a support group.

‘Much has been said about the pain, confusion, and struggle of being trans.
Here’s what it’s all about in the words and minds of many of their parents:

• It’s about seeing things one way and hearing the world tell you it’s another.
• It’s about not knowing who you can trust.
• It’s about feeling betrayed by many of the professionals you meet.
• It’s about having family ripped apart by an issue so divisive that you are not free to speak with your closest family members.
• It’s about not being allowed to ask questions.
• It’s about navigating something so complex and overwhelming that is historically unprecedented.
• It’s about being told you don’t love your child.
• It’s about second guessing all your parenting choices.
• It’s about being told you can never speak your child’s given name again.
• It’s about your history being scrutinized.
• It’s about finding it hard to look at old pictures of your child.
• It’s about hearing “your son” or “your daughter” and not being able to correct it.
• It’s about having your history rewritten.
• It’s about being pressured to “do something”.
• It’s about being accused of being transphobic.
• It’s about seeing this as a very hurtful social trend that is destroying your child but you are treated like the crazy one.
• It’s about feeling as if someone kidnapped your child and switched them out for someone else.
• It’s about watching your child’s body being damaged by medicalization.
• It’s about watching your child destroy themselves bit by bit and being powerless to do anything.
• It’s about being told to go along with it or your child will commit suicide.
• It’s about knowing that your child has been told you are the enemy and you should be cut out of their life…and they believe it.
• It’s about being lonely and isolated’

Hello Moomoola, I’m glad you got away with ds. I’d wondered how you were doing

Have I got this right, you’ve gone away with ds, and NOW your dd finds time to talk to you? I know this is harsh, but do you think that is in response to you taking your attention away from her for a short time?

I don’t know if this is good advice, but if I were you, I would focus on ds for now. Talk about what he’s doing, what games he’s playing (have a go, because that always gives teenagers a laugh!) watch some of his YouTube stuff with him, and try to find some places you can go together, even if it’s just for a short walk. Don’t ask him about dd - make it all about him & making some nice memories you can share together, I’d also try not to have conversations about dd with your bro while ds is around - it will make him feel like all your focus is still on her.

I’m furious with the school on your behalf. However, she’s left now, so I’m not sure if they are worth your time and attention.

Wait until you get back to have any more communication with dd, and write the letter to her then. For what it’s worth, your list speaks to me - but I’m not sure that’s a good indication that it will mean anything to her. Hopefully someone else can advise. For now, it’s all about you having the best time you can with ds. 💐

Op. I'm sorry. I truly am. That support group sounds like a good thing.

Thank you both. I spoke to DD just before we came, I think X is stopping as much attention as she can, it’s me that contacts DD and if I’m lucky she’ll chat.
bit fed up with that tbf.
also agree, I’m not sure the school is worth bothering about now, though I am appalled at the whole trans thing in schools. Suspect I will fight it.
Thanks I’ll focus on DS he’s lovely. We’ve been for walks and fooling about in the sun, hope he’s having fun!

Thanks for getting back to me, hugs, and dodgy souvenirs to all😀

😁
Have a lovely time, you so deserve a break!

It sounds like you're having a good time, and I hope your are!

When I was a kid, my much older brother was always being a knob and getting in trouble, taking up all my parents' time, attention, and money, to the point that I lost most of my affection for them. I did my own thing and they did theirs, though I'm sure in retrospect they think I was equally invested in it all.

The result was that I'm a hugely independent person (for better or worse), have a complicated relationship with my family, and feel suspicious when they show interest in me.

DS will remember trips like this, when there was an atomic bomb dropped in the middle of your family but he still had special attention paid to him. Even stuff like knowing his favorite games and taking the time to learn about them will anchor him to the family in a positive way.

Thank you hag and redbird must say it’s nice to be distanced.
redbird I’m sorry your brother took all the attention. Family dynamics are soo complicated.
thank you both for the postI hope I am paying him attention without being cloying. Brother is getting him chopping stuff in the garden and introducing him to inappropriate people, goodness knows what he makes of it all!

Your brother sounds such fun. Hope the cares are slipping away. I know I’ve said it before, but in any tug of war situation, just letting go of the rope is usually for the best.

Sounds as if DS is having a good time with your brother! I hope you're having a good holiday too and a chance to unwind.

I remember from the Sasha and Stella podcasts something about how teenage boys don't want to talk about emotional stuff. Your bro is doing a great job with DS and so are you by having this holiday time together. Fooling around in the sun is where it's at!

You are all so kind and wise, thank you.
In latest news DD actually sent me a text! Asking how it's going. Hurrah ! Sent a few photos and said having fun, did x which made me think of yooo!
Bro said - like you guys, she's an adult, she decided not to come so don't say you miss her, that will put pressure on her.
I'll leave the rope loose now as you suggested. Need to work on me next, and not get sucked into DH stress. Never ending!
Again massive thanks for all your support .

Wonderful news!!! She misses you. I think you should respond in a light, fun way to reinforce that.

Your DD loves you. I hope this time will be over soon and you can have a relationship with her that's stronger on the future.

Than k you delphimium I hope I did just that.
Thank you for your second paragraph. Means a lot. I sooo hope she does.

OP did you hear Hadley Freeman on Woman’s Hour talking about anorexia?

She did not talk about trans issues but there were so many things related to anorexia that had something in common with gender dysphoria that I think it is worth listening to as though it were about that.

One thing that she said which might be particularly helpful for you, was that the relationship with the mother should not be based around the anorexia; and also that anything that triggers an interest in the outside world, away from the anorexia, may be what leads to the way out of the trap.

So I think you really are on the right lines.

Hello scrolling thank you for that. I’ve just listened and you are right, it has many parallels. She is a very cool woman. I totally get that it’s linked to the anger a teen has/ needs to have to become independent. Remember the feeling well!
ive found this very useful if it helps anyone https://genspect.org/guidance-for-parents/
it shares much of what you say.
This is useful too

like her I completely fell into this through naivety, which is a little reassuring. w3 zebracat as you and others have suggested I’ve let go of the rope and not contacted her since we got back (Soooo nice to be away from all this with lovely DS) and yesterday I got a ‘hello, how’s things’ hurrah! i haven’t replied yet. I suprise myself by feeling cross and used. It’s like she checks in and then she disappears again. I don’t know if that’s her or Xs is influencing . But I’m not sure I want to go through raised hopes again. Tempted to tell her I need to protect my mental health so call me when you’re willing to chat like the person I know you to be. Of course I’ll probably send a ‘fine how are you ‘ ( suggestions welcome!)but I can feel another little bond go ‘snap’ like some awful fairytale.

Its her 18th next month. Before all this I was planning a trip to Paris. Ha.
Thanks all.

yeah that's difficult, I can only imagine @Moomoola

I think this is actually a good result. You've taken the heat and pressure away and now you guys can rebuild one step at a time. Maybe say you had fa nice break and tell her something funny that your brother did with your DS. Did he give him a drink of lager or something fun/lighthearted like that.

Hello @Moomoola , I am glad you found Hadley Freeman talking about anorexia a help.

What a good thing it is that you had a holiday with DS and it’s nice your DD wants to keep a line open and so asked you how things are going.

Even if you think she’ll do the usual dropping of you if you respond, you probably should, but just in a brief light-hearted way, requiring no chat in return.

I'd reply lightheartedly, saying what a fab time you had and as a pp suggested, maybe sharing a funny moment or a nice pic. I wouldn't ask a question of her, though. Just be friendly and open.

Its her 18th next month.

I really hate to be the voice of Doom here but be wary of her recent contact /nice behaviour towards you because of this upcoming birthday.
Her partner is conniving enough. It could be that they are buttering you up in order to ask for something big/expensive and might revert back to being shitty to you once they get said birthday present...

I really hope I'm proved wrong and that DD actually has turned a corner in how she speaks to you.

This might be rubbish - hopefully more experienced posters will comment….

Were you planning with dd Togo to Paris, or was it going to be a surprise? If the former, you could float the idea of going with (just) her as you’d planned - pointing out it is something a mother & daughter might do together even once the daughter had left home. She will likely say no, but it might mean x has to tell her not to go, and dd might get an opportunity to see x controlling her and blocking a lovely weekend for her??

Thank you! You’re brilliant. Fun and No questions is a great tip.