Can I be forced to use pronouns?

[nationallampoons]

Hi all.

I work in hospitality and my company have recently taken on some new recruits.

One is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns but is considering she/her pronouns. He was born male. He looks male. He had the same uniform as you would expect, neon hair, piercings, multiple badges on his uniform stating his pronouns, he's vegan, free Palestine, f Boris etc.. (I'm not against freeing Palestine or vegans) but you can imagine the type. Everyone's a "facist" etc.. it's draining at times.

Here is my problem, I don't want to use they/them pronouns. It feels unnatural when talking and I struggle with it anyway. I just don't want to do it, I don't care if that makes me rude. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being moaned at for misgendering. He just doesn't shut up about it.

Now he's saying he believes he may be a woman and is asking questions about "women hood" and all that bs, I've told him I'm not comfortable talking to him about it and I was called a boomer, a Karen and a gammon?? He is considering changing his pronouns in the new year.

Here is my question. Legally, can I be forced to use his preferred pronouns? Not arsed about losing my job, but I don't want to get into any criminal trouble

I just want to go to work, earn my living and go home. I don't have the time or energy or willingness to go along with this bullshit

I mean, there's the kind thing to do, and the right thing to do and they are not always the same thing.

TRAs are often likened to toddlers on these boards (and for good reason) so here's my analogy.

This afternoon, my toddler woke up from his nap in a grump. He'd done a poo in his nappy and furiously denied it to the point of tears.

I could have done the "kind" thing and respectd his wishes and agreed there was no poo in his nappy. He'd have ended up with a raw arse, and I would have had no working smell receptors left. Or I could do what I did, changed his nappy and parented him.

vm.tiktok.com/ZMF3NR9rJ/

Everyone has a name, title and set of pronouns they wish to be referred to by. If you introduced yourself by your name and someone said 'I don't want to call you that, I am going to call you Steve' that would be considered rude and a bit odd. We don't choose what we want to call people. It does the OP no harm to address this person as they wish. It may do them harm to have people refuse.

name, title and set of pronouns

One of these is not like the others.

It does the OP no harm to address this person as they wish. It may do them harm to have people refuse.

What sort of harm? Do they melt?

I am one of those people 'blessed' with an unusual name, and I can count the number of people outside my family who pronounce it as my parents intended on the fingers of one hand.

If I made a fuss about it, people wouldn't be on my side about it, either. Funny that.

I wish to be referred to by the title of Duchess from now on.

Duchess Pots of Devonshire will do me nicely.

I regularly get people assuming I am married to my partner, so I get mis-titled pretty much all the time, and if people have been introduced to my partner first then I also get mis-surnamed. If they have only seen my partners surname written down then nearly always it is mispronounced. Does that cause me harm??

@RoseslnTheHospital can you not feel the cliteral violence waged against you?

'I don't want to call you that, I am going to call you Steve' that would be considered rude and a bit odd.

And on that note - yes, indeed. It would just be considered rude and a bit odd. But that's all. Calling people made-up names is the sort of thing that would be considered an eccentricity. (Although I've never felt I had any power to dictate what people call me anyway - people often abbreviate in ways I never would myself).

And calling a real woman "he" would just be rude and a bit odd.

So what makes calling a man-who-says-he's-a-woman "he" into something much worse? Something that someone even finds themselves asking a question about losing a job, or criminal trouble? I think it's mainly because it isn't just saying something a "bit odd" - it's specifically stating the truth. We're in an environment where compliance to not call out lies is what is being tested.

Very good post. Yes there have always been transsexuals and I have never ever had a problem with them but it’s this transgender nonsense I’m not on board with. Eddie Izzard is a good example. He looks like a duck, quacks like a duck but we’re supposed to pretend he’s a swan. He’s a man who likes to wear women’s clothes and channel women’s ‘vibes’ (for want of a better word) but it does not make him a woman. My dog isn’t a cat and I’m not a mermaid.

Well they sometimes suffer very serious mental health issues, and some commit suicide. Obviously it is a very complex issue, but people being deliberately unpleasant and unaccepting does not help.

Come to think of it, my payslip must mistitle me and misspells my middle name.

Every time it is addressed to Miss Pothole Islode☆ Mumsnetter.

I prefer Ms Pothole Isolde Mumsnetter or Mrs Pothole Isolde Mumsnetter, as I am not a little girl and so not 'miss'.

☆ False middle name used to protect my anonymity

You probably think you’re being kind and tolerant but in fact you’re perpetuating and normalising a lie that has big consequences for the safety of women and children.

They are all man made labels.

i see all the beeeeee kiiiind bingos are out this thread

MAN made being the point.

If people are trying to pronounce your name correctly they are not being deliberately rude. If you were to correct them and show them how to pronounce it and they refused to bother to try then they would be being rude. Whether it bothers you or not is not relevant to whether the same issue would bother someone else. I work with a lot of people with names that are unfamiliar to me and I make a big effort to get them right because someone's name can be a big part of their identity. Same with their pronouns. And I recognise that how someone else wishes to be addressed is 100% not about me so I don't make it about me.

It is perfectly pleasant to say, "Your work colleague may die by suicide if you use the wrong name or use a grammatical term they dislike" though?

Think about the emotional burden and stress you are placing on people here.

I don’t think it does. Not everyone agrees with you. Infact Mumsnet is one of the only places where it’s okay to spout such things. But that’s okay, you carry on, safe in the small corner of Mumsnet where people agree with you to keep validating your opinions.

Well they sometimes suffer very serious mental health issues, and some commit suicide. Obviously it is a very complex issue, but people being deliberately unpleasant and unaccepting does not help.

Unlike, say, women.

It's fine to be as deliberately unpleasant and unaccepting to them as you like (such as claiming to be them and taking all their things), cos they don't have real feelings. They just simulate them.

Oh yes. That line of thinking in queer theory that language dictates reality. A cat only becomes a cat because we label it a cat. It could just as easily be a dog.

You are being deliberately obtuse here. I did not said one thing directly and solely caused the other. I think it is important to acknowledge though that our actions have consequences and it is probably more important to try to protect the mental health of a group of people who are more at risk of severe harm than outraged mumsnetters.

If you were to correct them and show them how to pronounce it...

people would be offended, they would be made uncomfortable and you would be a troublemaker.

Completed your sentence for you. You may go to effort to get names right, but how do you know you're succeeding, hmmm? How do you know people aren't granting you some slack, just as I do with my own colleagues? .

Expand on that one, go on.

What is it about female work colleagues, with or without children, that means they cannot have mental health issues and struggles of their own, and must needs be considered less vulnerable than a male who identifies as non-binary?