Am I a TERF?

[PurplePalms]

Discovered today a family member (male) is dating a transwoman.

Absolutely no idea on the status of her transition, hormones/surgery etc. as that’s her business. I have met her a handful of times and she is polite and pleasant. A very nice person.

My family member doesn’t know I know because …

I was having a snoop at her Facebook page, saw old posts and photos from when she was younger living as a male and recently saw a post from her stating “Transmen are real men. Transwomen are real women”.

This just didn’t sit right with me.

For what it’s worth, I’d consider myself quite liberal. I don’t discriminate on sexuality, race, age, gender etc. If you’re born a man and feel like you want to medically transition and vice Versa, that’s fine, do your thing and accept you’re trans.

BUT, to then say you are a real woman. Even though you were born genetically male and (most likely) have male genitalia- you can’t be a real woman? You can’t possibly understand how it feels to be a woman. Hormonally, emotionally, physically and socially.

Part of me feels awful for feeling this way. Like I am a bad person. Obviously I would never say to her face “you are not a real woman” never in a million years would I want to cause someone upset, start drama etc. Am I a terf? Do I sound awful?

Unless you can convince yourself that TWA literally W and should be able to access any space / service / sport that has been set aside for women, with no exceptions, then yes you would be considered to be a TERF in trans activists circles. But this doesn't mean you are a bad person. You sound quite balanced and ordinary to me.

His choice who he dates along as he is doing so in full knowledge of their history

But yes your balanced views would be considered terf like

You don't agree that trans women are women, or that trans men are men...because they are not.
You seem perfectly sensible to me.

Welcome to the dark side 😀

Sometimes there used to be contestant on Britain's Got Talent who really couldn't sing. But no one had told them, perhaps because everyone around them was trying to be kind and not break the awful news to them.

Denying reality isn't kind. It's neither kind nor unkind to say that humans can't change sex: it's simply telling the truth. Forcing everyone to be complicit in other people's delusions about themselves can only end in tears.

😂😂hello dark side!

I just feel a bit sad, as TERF, to me, is a very negative and venomous adjective.

I would never want to cause upset to a trans person, I’d respect their lifestyle choices and pronouns. (As long as they don’t cause upset to CIS people e.g I saw a TikTok where a transwoman was explained because she’s on hormones she knows what it’s like to have a period. And another video where a transwoman bought tampons, in the US, because she wanted to experience it).

As a woman who struggles with suspected endometriosis, fertility shit like this upsets me. & it’s probably a very small percentage of trans women who behave like this.

there are no cis people btw. just people - male or female

I just feel a bit sad, as TERF, to me, is a very negative and venomous adjective.

well, that’s why it’s used, isn’t it?

because most people don’t actually think TWAW/TMAM but they have no problem with trans people and have a live and let live attitude, there has to be some way for MRAs to demonise women. Calling them (and making to em concerned about being called) Terf is a great way to shut kind people up and then say “no one agrees with you horrors!”

your relative’s partner may not be like this, they may respect your views and prefer to not really discuss it. But that’s the power of words like terf/bigot/transphobe. They shut women up. They’re used by specific people for a specific reason.

Can I ask if this person was living as a male but was female? Or you saw pre-transition pics ?

Are you a terf? Yes. Does this make you a horrible person? No. It just means you don't think the earth is flat.

I don't know if you're a 'terf', OP. It possibly depends on what your views are on other radical feminist issues, like prostitution, porn, male violence, etc.

You're correct that it's now used as a derogatory, sexist slur, rather than its original descriptive meaning.

My understanding is they were born a male. Lived as a male until teenage years/early 20’s and then transitioned to female. Therefore transwoman.

As I was searching her Facebook profile after meeting her for the first time. Saw posts and photos from years ago she was tagged in, her friends referred to her as he/him. Now, more recent posts and photos they refer to her as she/her.

Was your male family Member openly gay before this person came on the scene?

Yes you are a bit of a TERF. And it is a slur. But like anything it has to be owned. Most TERFs are actually MERFS, or, simply reject gender woowoo entirely.

Terf is just a word. It's used to silence women and men who are brave enough to speak the truth about reality.
It's meaningless, pointless and neither a badge of honour or shame. Like curses, it only works if you believe in them, and I don't. I don't believe any of the gender ideology stuff, it's not my religion.

That doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make us evil genocidal maniacs.

Maybe your "terfs are bad" attitude could do with a bit of honest self evaluation now, huh?

Even though you were born genetically male and (most likely) have male genitalia- you can’t be a real woman? You can’t possibly understand how it feels to be a woman. Hormonally, emotionally, physically and socially.

You're totally right. Transwomen are transwomen. They have their own struggles, but they have no idea of what it's like to be born and raised a girl, and live as a woman. They cannot ever know this, as they're male.

Was your male family Member openly gay before this person came on the scene?

No, not that I know of. I’ve met past girlfriends of his. Never any boyfriends.

So he doesn't know?

I’m 99% sure he does know.

Since I’ve heard them having intercourse in our family members house we were all staying at over at during Christmas. (The guest rooms I & my partner & family member and girlfriend were all staying in were next to each other).

As a woman who struggles with suspected endometriosis, fertility shit like this upsets me.

Your understanding of what it means to be a woman is grounded in reality, in biology.

No transwoman can ever have that. For a trans person it is all about belief.

Everybody has the right to their own beliefs, but nobody has the right to impose their beliefs upon others.

& it’s probably a very small percentage of trans women who behave like this.

Don't know. But some of the loudest, most aggressive people who behave like this are not trans themselves, but are the TRAs, the Trans Rights Activists. More accurately, they are MRAs, Male Rights Activists, busily handing over to men anything women have - even the ability to name ourselves.

Part of me feels awful for feeling this way. Like I am a bad person. Obviously I would never say to her face “you are not a real woman” never in a million years would I want to cause someone upset, start drama etc. Am I a terf? Do I sound awful?

Is it feminine socialisation that makes us make excuses for others? It is certainly feminine socialisation that leads us us think we must move aside so as not to upset others. You do not sound awful. You sound realistic.

Most people are TERFs. No one actually believes TWAW however much they shout it. They are simply lying for what could be a number of reasons.

Welcome to the tervern. Come in, take off your coat, get comfy. Thou could be here a while.

Drink? biscuit? Cake? I've still got some crackers and a slither of cheese left.

Oh, but we do have one rule from the off@PurplePalms

Don't mention CIS. It's rage inducing in here and there are enough of us with hot flushes as it is without getting us more heated under the collar.

I completely get that! & I agree. I don’t like to called CIS. I’m female. I’m a woman.

It’s just hard trying to navigate it all. Wanting to stand up for what you believe in and being rational but at the same time keeping the peace and not wanting to form bad relationships with family.

I don’t know my family members girlfriend well enough to comment on how she would react to my views. But I know my family member is incredibly left wing, uses the term terf a lot (when describing people like JK Rowling and similar)

I work for a public sector role and when we’re filling out forms for gender it’s either

• CIS Male
• CIS Female
• Trans Male
• Trans Female
• Prefer not to say

It’s as if CIS should be acceptable (though I know it isn’t) it’s just hard.