Non binary/transgender teacher

[Luckymumtotwo]

I am going to refer to the teacher as male because my child genuinely does not know how they currently identify. Sounds like they were male and then to be addressed as they/them and DS thinks might now be a transgender woman - changed name and hair - but DC is not certain.

Apparently children have been told off for addressing him as he and DS tells me that he doesn't ask him anything if he can help it because he doesn't know what to say.

Teacher has asked them to address him by a short version of his first name which I've only heard used for a female previously. DS feels awkward using it. Other teachers are not addressed by first names and usually addressed as Sir/miss.

I might ask school to revise how this teacher is addressed. Maybe "Teacher"? Not sure that works but I'd rather not have the casual use of a shortened first name where this isn't what generally happens.

My son is already used to asking people how they want to be addressed due to various identities in classmates and doesn't usually feel awkward. I think it's because it's an adult. At 12 I don't think he should have to ask the teacher.

This is not a female only space, there is no safe guarding issue here. Why not tell your son to address this person as they wish to be addressed.

As an ex teacher, female, I was called Sir or even Mum often by students, who weren't concentrating and were just responding to a request in the moment. Didn't matter one jot, couldn't have cared less and as a teacher it was important just to let the children speak without unnecessary criticism. I was also frequently called Mrs X instead of Miss. Again, not even worth correcting or making a thing of it.

The teacher should be clear to students what they are asking to be referred as. Using a first name when everyone else doesn't isn't appropriate. Objecting to the students getting it wrong is not appropriate. The teacher is not there to be validated by the students.

Obviously, if a student is deliberately using a name or title that is wrong, in order to be difficult, then that's different and should be handled in the usual way of dealing with poor behaviour.

I would ask the school for clarification as to how this teacher is asking to be addressed and for reassurance that if your child makes a mistake and gets it wrong that they aren't going to be in trouble. Highlight the negative affect on your child's learning as a result of this confusion - they are now reluctant to engage in this teacher's lessons. Not what schools are aiming for!

The school should have informed parents and staff that with effect from xx date firstname secondname will be known as new firstname secondname and will be addressed as Ms/Miss/whatever Secondname. But sadly they haven’t done the sensible thing.

Because the first name is ambiguous and the teacher has not indicated Ms/Miss it looks as though they have decided to become gender neutral, in which case the school leadership team should have negotiated a full name the teacher was happy to be addressed as in class and in communication with parents and that reflects the way other teachers in the school are addressed. I would contact the head of year and say both the children in class and you as a parent are confused about how to address the teacher in a manner that conforms to other staff names and would like guidance.

Informed parents and students. Sorry.

"This is not a female only space, there is no safe guarding issue here. Why not tell your son to address this person as they wish to be addressed".

The world doesn't have to cater to how you or anyone wants it to be.

For your child to learn effectively they need to feel comfortable in class.
I would be asking for a meeting or send an email
To clarify the situation. And explaining why your child doesn’t feel comfortable in the class.
It’s not all about the teacher and it’s extremely petty of that teacher to tell the students off for anything other than discipline issues.
i would not be happy

DS seemed pretty certain the misgendering isn't being done on purpose and i know it it isn't on his part, like I say different identities/sexualities etc in class.

I expect he senses the boundaries difference of formally addressing a teacher compared as compared to the use of first names. (I remember finding it odd discovering teachers actually had first names!)

I wouldn't mind school not communicating it to me if there was a sensible clearly communicated approach for the children - and children didn't feel bad about slipping up. I expect there will be more and more teachers where Sir/miss won't be used

I’d take my child out of that school as they’ve got their priorities wrong. Instead of pandering to this teacher, they should be focussing on educational matters.

If a child can decide their gender, then why can't your son decide if he wants to change schools?

Would be concerned with any child saying they felt they couldn't talk to, or felt uncomfortable around their teacher or any other adult in authority.

@PurplePixies it's a good school and I look on these moments as "life lessons". My 12 year old can hold his own on many issues and (so far anyway) has found his own way to some very sensible views. I also like that he is gender critical in his own young way but wasn't sniggering abo

Sorry posted too soon ...

about this teacher - and could describe his discomfort. All useful.

Call them Mx surname.....and move on. If they're a good teacher then the kid needs to focus on that.

Have NC for this OP but a Male teacher at my DC school transitioned over the holidays a few years ago and came back as Miss X rather than Mr X.

The school handled it v sensibly in my opinion and communicated this to pupils and parents.

As far as I am aware there were no major issues and the teacher realised that it may take a while for staff and students to get the hang of it and was also sensible in not expecting everyone to remember initially.

A few years on and it is now pretty unremarkable and pupils call her Miss X just as they would any other teacher. She is very well liked by pupils and staff and is a very good teacher (was one of my DCs GCSE teachers).

I think the onus is on the school and the teacher to take communicate with clarity to pupils and parents. My advice would be to raise this with the school to avoid uncertainty for your DC.

Actually, it’s pretty clear here that the teacher’s identity issues are confusing the OP’s DS and making his wary of interacting with the teacher because he’s worried he’ll be in trouble for getting it wrong.

That’s not ok. And will impact upon a child’s learning because they’re scared to talk to the teacher in case they have to address them in some way.

Teachers have to consider the needs of their students and school policies. Changing names and pronouns and
adopting a diminutive of their chosen name rather than the standard school modes of address is all about meeting the teacher’s
need to feel validated in a gender identity. But, in doing so, they’ve forgotten that their main identity in this situation is as a teacher. And that requires the teacher to understand and meet the needs of their students.

It might not be a female only space, but there’s clearly loads of safeguarding required in the context of adult-child relationships in school. This is a really weird response to what the OP wrote.

How do you even pronounce Mx?

I know of a female maths teacher who calls herself non binary. It's shameful and embarrassing that a maths graduate doesn't have the skills to recognise the batshittery of the gender nonsense.

A good teacher would centre the children, would not involve them in guessing games about their identity and would follow the school's conventions about addressing staff. This may have been a good teacher but they are now behaving unprofessionally. The school have a responsibility to ensure that children are protected from confused adults engaging students in their personal issues.

The school needs to get a grip and manage the member of staff and their behaviour so that all students feel secure in their lessons and therefore able to learn. Suggest you contact the school and demand this.

This is what happens when children are told to ignore their instincts and boundaries and 'be kind'.

Children may well feel comfortable around their peers who are in thrall to gender ideology as they won't sense any threat, but a grown man suddenly declaring he's a woman makes them uncomfortable and calling the miss or their first name, which seems a bit too familiar, because it forces them to confront the reality of the nonsense.

Tolerance doesn’t strike me as a bad thing to learn in school..

Yes, it's a shame the teacher isn't tolerant of their student's confusion and resultant lack of engagement in their lessons. I'm sure this teacher will be open to reflective feedback on their teaching practice...

Totally agree re tolerance and hopefully nothing I have said suggests otherwise - DS likens it to religion - possible to be atheist and respectful of others. (I don't know if that's a perfect analogy but I think he gets the tolerance thing).

Don't agree with leaving children feeling too awkward to ask questions - and don't think breaking down the teacher/pupil relationship boundaries in terms of names/addressing is a good solution.

It might not be a female space, but it's teaching children that they can't trust what they see and what their gut is telling them, even the basic appraisal of correctly sexing a person. Plus it's teaching them that people can change sex, and that is a scientific inaccuracy, which has no place in schools.

They might as well have a die hard flat earth conspiracy theorist teach maths and have him convince them all in break time that there was no moon landing.

I think religion is a pretty good analogy, OP.

It's akin to a teacher asking children to address them by an honorific title from a very newly established and niche religion. Which is fine, so long as nobody is expected to share that belief nor pretend to share it.

I agree that I'd email and ask for clarification from school.

Spottybluepajamas has a very good broader points, too.

How can you tell there's no safeguarding issue?

For many men, transitioning has an element of erotic cross dressing, as Naomi Cunningham, the barrister who specialises in discrimination law, calls it, and they want to be seen, and addressed, as women for that reason.

Of course it's a safeguarding issue if you are including children in that.

mobile.twitter.com/ForWomenScot/status/1536686288392400896

As long as the teacher accepts there will be a massive number of genuine accidental misgenderings and using the wrong name because they knew him by another one, and just focuses on teaching, all shoudl be well.

I'd only worry about this if they reacted so badly that lessons became all about getting teacher's pronouns right and not about whatever they should be learning. Otherwise, so long as they are a good teacher, no issue. One of DS1's favourite teachers was trans. Not every transgender person is a screaming narcissist.

@CatinaStorm - I agree and that is our experience too. As I said before the transwoman teacher at DCs school is very popular. She also doesn't dress in an outrageous or overly feminine way (as in fairly ordinary middle aged clothes and v little makeup).