Hi. Ive been with my husband almost 25 years, married 18, and have two beautiful children. Everything had been absolutely fine up until September last year. His attitude changed overnight and his behaviour and i thought he was having an affair so at work i emailed him and asked him if he was cheating on me and i wanted to know whats going on. He didnt want to talk but i threatened divorce if he didnt to make him talk. Hes not a great communicator. All i got back was a photo of him sitting at his desk wearing top half mens uniform along with a woman skirt, tights and womens shoes. No explanation. What on earth was i supposed to say or think. I felt numb and sick and still do.
Well after a lot of tears, me arguing and shouting i shut down because i realised this isnt a foght im going to win and that he is actually having an affair with himself. I didnt want to see anyone, i must have come across as not right as so many people kept asking me what was wrong. How could i tell anyone. He made me promise not to say anything yet all his work colleagues in his new job knew before me (he'd only been there 8 weeks!!) , the woman who he'd spent 24 years of his life with and he had openly told me, and proud, he'd been into town fully dressed where noone would recognise him when i took my kids away for a few days leaving him at home alone. How could he? How could he not talk to me. I felt sick and cheated and didnt know what to do, didnt know what this means for me and my children and now my crummy little normal life had exploded into some weird out of body experience. I just cant believe this is happening. You wouldn't expect it if you saw him. The most manly man i know!
Long and short of it we talked for hours going round and round in circles, saying same old things, but he maintains he loves me and our kids and will never leave us. I dont believe him. I think hes staying with me/us out of normality and fear of losing us and family, friends etc. I even at one point took myself down the beach thinking i could end all this pain by walking into the sea but my best friend talked me out of it and then i thought what a horrid life my kids would have without me. I was broken... Lowest ive ever felt, but i pulled myself up and went home.
i applied for marriage counselling and he attended a few sessions, really against his will, but then he started getting angry at our lovely counsellor when she tried to ask more in depth questions as he felt he was being pushed into transitioning. She did no such thing.
He reckons he has felt that way since he was about 10 years old, got caught by his parents wearing his sisters clothes and his dad beat him up to try and knock some sense into him so he kept things buried and suppressed for all these years. This is so sad.
I told him i wont have him in our family home dressed up and that if he wants that life he has to go and we will divorce but keep amicable for the kids as id never atop gim seeing or having the kids. He wont go. No matter what i say he just wont leave.
We're now at a point where weve had to compromise because he wont wear stuff at work for fear someone i know might recognise him and tell me so doesnt want to upset me any further but asked to dress up in private in the bedroom. He started nicking some of my lingerie without asking me and has pinched a wig i had for fun dressing up then used one of my sex toys and i got to the point where id had enough as made me feel right sick so i decided to put all my stuff in a small suitcase with a lock on so he didnt touch my stuff. I hid the key up. Hes sh** with money and has bought quite a lot of sex toys recently and bits and tried to redeem himself by purchasing me a vibrator but every time i think about it i get angry so shoved it back in his face so hes sent it back as i never opened it. He only bought it for me to try to excuse all the stuff he is buying. Im worried hes going to get us in a financial pickle again as we are joint tenants on the mortgage and he wont sign it over to me or even entertain it.
We had a very healthy sex life 2-3 times a week before this happened and now its only every now and again ("very occasionally) but i just close my eyes and wish it was over [removed by MNHQ] Im not a lesbian and i sure as hell wont change my sexual orientation to fit his.
My best friend is actually trans and he says hes gone about it all the wrong way ans his behaviours are very odd to that of what he knows as a transwoman who is also married. He/she doesnt have children so the situation for them is very different.
I now dont know what to do. I'm miserable when he dresses as dont feel i havr a normal sex life (but this is the only time he gets to dress up) and he is miserable when he doesnt dress. I dont want to be on my own either. I dont know how i feel about him anymore either as dont feel hes the same person i met in 1997 and i dont feel the same but got too much at stake to lose at the moment.
He falls asleep all the time in the evenings so we dont spend much time together and he leaves me to do 90% the chores so im only getting 6hrs sleep max a night. To be honest id rather work a 10 hour day than have to be subjected to trans life, a life i didnt sign up for and one i dont want. On the other hand i dont want him to not be who he truly is as that would be incredibly selfish but i dont want that in my life.
I could go on and on about my situation but ive given a brief overview of what I'm goifn through.
If there are other people out there who are in or have been in same situation please contact me. I could use some decent friends who understand what I'm going through and give me some advice.