Husband has come out as Trans after 24 years

[Technibabe59]

Hi. Ive been with my husband almost 25 years, married 18, and have two beautiful children. Everything had been absolutely fine up until September last year. His attitude changed overnight and his behaviour and i thought he was having an affair so at work i emailed him and asked him if he was cheating on me and i wanted to know whats going on. He didnt want to talk but i threatened divorce if he didnt to make him talk. Hes not a great communicator. All i got back was a photo of him sitting at his desk wearing top half mens uniform along with a woman skirt, tights and womens shoes. No explanation. What on earth was i supposed to say or think. I felt numb and sick and still do.

Well after a lot of tears, me arguing and shouting i shut down because i realised this isnt a foght im going to win and that he is actually having an affair with himself. I didnt want to see anyone, i must have come across as not right as so many people kept asking me what was wrong. How could i tell anyone. He made me promise not to say anything yet all his work colleagues in his new job knew before me (he'd only been there 8 weeks!!) , the woman who he'd spent 24 years of his life with and he had openly told me, and proud, he'd been into town fully dressed where noone would recognise him when i took my kids away for a few days leaving him at home alone. How could he? How could he not talk to me. I felt sick and cheated and didnt know what to do, didnt know what this means for me and my children and now my crummy little normal life had exploded into some weird out of body experience. I just cant believe this is happening. You wouldn't expect it if you saw him. The most manly man i know!

Long and short of it we talked for hours going round and round in circles, saying same old things, but he maintains he loves me and our kids and will never leave us. I dont believe him. I think hes staying with me/us out of normality and fear of losing us and family, friends etc. I even at one point took myself down the beach thinking i could end all this pain by walking into the sea but my best friend talked me out of it and then i thought what a horrid life my kids would have without me. I was broken... Lowest ive ever felt, but i pulled myself up and went home.

i applied for marriage counselling and he attended a few sessions, really against his will, but then he started getting angry at our lovely counsellor when she tried to ask more in depth questions as he felt he was being pushed into transitioning. She did no such thing.

He reckons he has felt that way since he was about 10 years old, got caught by his parents wearing his sisters clothes and his dad beat him up to try and knock some sense into him so he kept things buried and suppressed for all these years. This is so sad.

I told him i wont have him in our family home dressed up and that if he wants that life he has to go and we will divorce but keep amicable for the kids as id never atop gim seeing or having the kids. He wont go. No matter what i say he just wont leave.

We're now at a point where weve had to compromise because he wont wear stuff at work for fear someone i know might recognise him and tell me so doesnt want to upset me any further but asked to dress up in private in the bedroom. He started nicking some of my lingerie without asking me and has pinched a wig i had for fun dressing up then used one of my sex toys and i got to the point where id had enough as made me feel right sick so i decided to put all my stuff in a small suitcase with a lock on so he didnt touch my stuff. I hid the key up. Hes sh** with money and has bought quite a lot of sex toys recently and bits and tried to redeem himself by purchasing me a vibrator but every time i think about it i get angry so shoved it back in his face so hes sent it back as i never opened it. He only bought it for me to try to excuse all the stuff he is buying. Im worried hes going to get us in a financial pickle again as we are joint tenants on the mortgage and he wont sign it over to me or even entertain it.

We had a very healthy sex life 2-3 times a week before this happened and now its only every now and again ("very occasionally) but i just close my eyes and wish it was over [removed by MNHQ] Im not a lesbian and i sure as hell wont change my sexual orientation to fit his.

My best friend is actually trans and he says hes gone about it all the wrong way ans his behaviours are very odd to that of what he knows as a transwoman who is also married. He/she doesnt have children so the situation for them is very different.

I now dont know what to do. I'm miserable when he dresses as dont feel i havr a normal sex life (but this is the only time he gets to dress up) and he is miserable when he doesnt dress. I dont want to be on my own either. I dont know how i feel about him anymore either as dont feel hes the same person i met in 1997 and i dont feel the same but got too much at stake to lose at the moment.

He falls asleep all the time in the evenings so we dont spend much time together and he leaves me to do 90% the chores so im only getting 6hrs sleep max a night. To be honest id rather work a 10 hour day than have to be subjected to trans life, a life i didnt sign up for and one i dont want. On the other hand i dont want him to not be who he truly is as that would be incredibly selfish but i dont want that in my life.

I could go on and on about my situation but ive given a brief overview of what I'm goifn through.

If there are other people out there who are in or have been in same situation please contact me. I could use some decent friends who understand what I'm going through and give me some advice.

Seconding anyone else who says the thread isn't closed and that that is the place to discuss this with people who are familiar with your circumstances.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues?page=23

Please do try the suggested thread OP.

From what you are saying, you yourself feel there is no way back from this, that you are very unhappy and you want to end the relationship. The challenges are the how, when he is refusing to accept this or to leave as you've asked him to.

There is years and years of advice on the relationships board about how to come out of a marriage with children, and sort out who leaves the home and who stays: please read around all you can. It can often be a very long, drawn out and tough process if you are not in a position to be able to leave if he won't, but you will find many, many women who have been through it and can share knowledge and experience of finances etc.

You are in many ways grieving for the relationship you had, and the end of it, and shock, denial and all the rest of it take a lot of time to process before you can feel ready to do something definite and know what you want that something to be. That's ok. Talking about it and thinking about it and reading about it will all help you to work out the right thing for you.

Start divorce proceedings. Even if you have to stay in the house and he won’t leave you don’t need to be in a relationship. Have you got a spare room even if it means the kids have to share. You need your own space with a padlock on the door so he can’t take your stuff. Don’t cook for him, don’t wash his clothes and certainly don’t have sex. You don’t have to sit and chat to him. Id ignore him as much as possible.

I'm no expert on the trans side of things but regardless of what he is saying his actions prove that this is either a compulsion he can't control or that he has no consideration or respect for your feelings or boundaries.

What I do know about is divorce.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and kept telling myself I'd wait until I was in a better position financially. My parents are/were older than average and I'm an only child, so I figured that by the time I inherited, DD would be older and I could walk away and start afresh without depending on any finances from the marriage.

In the end XHs behaviour reached a point where I had to walk away for the sake of mine and DDs wellbeing. That was 6 years ago and she was 11 at the time.

My Dad passed away last year after 18 months on end of life care, my mum is still going strong at 83 (thankfully).

You cannot make decisions about what may or may not happen with regard to inheritances.

You are married...you can choose to file for divorce and take steps to obtain your share of the marital assets whenever you choose. You do not need your husband's permission.

Your kids will be fine. My DD started high school 5 weeks after her dad and I split. She got plenty of support and is now nearly 18 and is a bright, resilient and well adjusted young woman with a great future ahead of her.

I would think very seriously about bringing this chapter to a close sooner rather than later...do you really want it coming to a head next spring when your eldest is about to sit GCSEs?

He doesn’t make sense.

He doesn’t want to be pushed to transitioning but all his colleagues at work know and he has has been going out in town as a woman when you’re not at home?
it doesn’t make sense at all. It’s like he wants the kink of having sex with you ‘dressed as a woman’ (but I assume still with PIV) but not all the other stuff coming with it - aka a separation, loosing his family, etc….

Haven’t read all the replies but OP I am sending you a huge handhold- he has been selfish beyond belief and I take my hat off to you for still being there. I feel your anger in your post and imo it’s totally justified- this
is a betrayal and he is weak for having gone about this in this way. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to get some control back and leave. If he won’t move out Then you can. You don’t have to broadcast the specifics but you absolutely are not obligated to support or partake in his fantasy life. You are not obligated to keep his secrets for him either. I would pack and go with the kids and claim my life back. You’re well justified to feel so broken & lost - it’s a total betrayal and you will grieve the person who you’ve lost I am sure. Take care of yourself, you’ll come out of this head held high and having overcome it. I am angry for you! Best of luck. Xxxx

Having said that, my previous post is all about understanding him etc… which might well never happen. He isn’t talkative so you don’t know what’s going on in his head. He might not even know himself tbh.

On YOUR pov, he has lied to you. He is at the very least self centred. Expecting you to have sex with him even though he wants to present as a woman. Expecting you would he happy for him to use your underwear. I mean what the heck has possessed him to think it’s an ok things to do. He can buy his if he wants! etc…. He isn’t engaging with you about what it means. Etc….
So what does he bring to you? In which way is he making your life better (and not worse)?
id concentrate in that rather than the trans stuff. Being trans is one thing. Behaving the way he is is another.

So as MN often says, get your ducks in a row. Have another word with your solicitor. Rewrite your will! And I’d say start behaving as if you were separated but still living in the same house. Physically (as in not doing his washing etc…) and emotionally.
Having counselling for yourself might also be a good idea. Because just now he is walking all over your boundaries and you’ll need to find a way to uphold them.

Thank you for your support. I feel like you already know me and youve hit the nail on the head with everything. Its taken me 9 months to even put a post out there for fear of ridicule but i do feel im being heard on here so thank you to everyone for your support. X

The one thing that really shouts out at me from this is that he doesn’t have time to talk to you but he does have time to fuck you. That shows what he thinks of you.

First and foremost you need to put your and your children's welfare at the heart of all your choices.
Your husband is not the person you thought they were.
I'd say the same whatever bombshell they had just dropped, be it gambling, another woman, etc.
You have hit a crossroad and it doesn't sound like your journey will be together.

@Technibabe59 The above comment is proof enough that you have found yourself in a lose/lose situation.

Put yourself first OP and leave. If not this will continue to manifest and you will be forced to live a life you don't want to so that he doesn't have to live a life he doesn't want to.

Your needs are just as important.

What I have gathered, reading between the lines, is that your husband does not want to engage in any form of counselling but neither does he want to split. I suspect this is because he wants to keep up the 'happy family' appearance for his parents whilst they are still around, and which is partly why he tried to keep his hidden identity from you all this time.

This could work in your favour. You separate, live separate lives, ideally separate bedrooms in the same house BUT you put together exit strategy which minimises the collateral damage to you and your DC. Sort of a 'conscious uncoupling' as Ms Paltrow would say.

In return for keeping up this charade of happy families for his parents you agree on the T&C of a quick (and cheap) 'no fault' divorce, including financial details so any debt racked up by him between now and then is his and his alone. Maybe even agree that some of his inheritance goes towards the house which is a joint asset. This gives you and your husband some time to work out what to tell the DC.

Might be worth thinking about as an option. You have a few out there.

"i realised this isnt a foght im going to win"

nope there are no winners here,

"and that he is actually having an affair with himself. "

That is an understandable feeling, certainly at the very least it is fair to say that he is putting his own feeling ahead of the rest of the family.

"How could i tell anyone. He made me promise not to say anything"
You have nothing to be ashamed of and owe him nothing in this regard, say whatever you need to, to whoever you need to, in order to get the emotional and material support you need to in place.

"How could he not talk to me. I felt sick and cheated"

You are perfectly entitled to your feelings. They are valid and reasonable. I would imagine that he didn't tell you before you married him and had his children as he knew this would make you change your mind. If he is now saying he 'knew' since he was 10 that would naturally make you feel like he tricked you.

"You wouldn't expect it if you saw him. The most manly man i know!"

His imagination is painting a very different picture in his head.

"he maintains he loves me and our kids"

but not enough to prioritise you and your relationships over the fiction in his head.

"and will never leave us."

At this stage that sounds more like a threat than a promise. In terms of keeping to the spirit of the marriage he already has left you, he just seems to think he's still entitled to you as a support human.

" but i pulled myself up and went home."

Nothing to say but <3 & hugs

"he started getting angry at our lovely counsellor when she tried to ask more in depth questions"

I do not think this marriage can be saved without significant harm to you and your mental and physical health. But I understand and applaud your instinct to try.

"wearing his sisters clothes and his dad beat him up"

these are his issues and he might benefit from counselling (without you) but he's been married to you for 24 years if you haven't fixed them yet you're clearly not going to, you need to get yourself and your children into a situation you can control.

"This is so sad."

I do not disagree.

" if he wants that life he has to go and we will divorce but keep amicable for the kids as id never atop gim seeing or having the kids. "

This sounds entirely reasonable to me.

"He wont go. No matter what i say he just wont leave."

It used to be possible to get assistance from the police in such instances I don't know if it still is, you need to call a DV helpline. Refusing to leave is on the 'lower' end of the spectrum but can cross the line into coercive control and from what you describe here that may well be the case.

"doesnt want to upset me any further but asked to dress up in private in the bedroom. "

Well he may well say that he doesn't want to upset you and yet he seems to be pressurising you into engaging in sexual acts you find uncomfortable and upsetting.

"He started nicking some of my lingerie without asking me and has pinched a wig i had for fun dressing up then used one of my sex toys and i got to the point where id had enough as made me feel right sick"

Respect for you, your feelings, your boundaries and your sexuality, seem to be notable by their absence. Consent is not just a mining village in Lancashire. This behaviour is not ok. Coercive control is a crime.

"Hes sh with money and has bought quite a lot of sex toys recently"

His priorities seem clear and consistent just (upsettingly) you are not among them.

"Im worried hes going to get us in a financial pickle again as we are joint tenants on the mortgage and he wont sign it over to me or even entertain it."

The divorce will be awkward and painful but you must separate your finances as soon as possible, seek legal advice as soon as you can.

"but i just close my eyes and wish it was over [removed by MNHQ] Im not a lesbian and i sure as hell wont change my sexual orientation to fit his."

You are not a lesbian and it is not fair or reasonable for a partner to force you to engage in sex that you are not enjoying. The sex you describe sounds like it is causing you sexual trauma, please stop.

"I'm miserable... he is miserable... "

I think you must (both) accept that if he wishes to substantially change his life in this way it will mean a substantial change in your relationship. You will no longer be his wife and sexual partner but a co-parent and if his behaviour deserves it, perhaps a friend. This is part of why people sometimes call TW "brave" . But explain he cannot 'have his cake and eat it' as it were. If it is 'only' a fetish, it is a fetish you don't share, and he can choose to prioritise you or it. Both choices have consequences.

"I dont want to be on my own either. I dont know how i feel about him anymore either as dont feel hes the same person i met in 1997 and i dont feel the same but got too much at stake to lose at the moment."

understandable but I don't think you have any other good options

" he leaves me to do 90% the chores so im only getting 6hrs sleep max a night."

Somehow 'dogsbody' doesn't seem to hold the same appeal as 'sex kitten', this isn't fair and I don't think that it's going to get better.

"To be honest id rather work a 10 hour day than have to be subjected to trans life... i dont want that in my life."

I think it probably will be hard for you to gain your independence and you may well feel you're working harder for a lower quality of life (than you had before) but at least you'll have a life, and a home you can feel safe in, and money that is yours.

"If there are other people out there who are in or have been in same situation please contact me. I could use some decent friends who understand what I'm going through and give me some advice."

check out the trans widows threads, many many women sharing their experiences of watching their oh embark on their 'stunning and brave' journey.

You haven't really said anything that points to him being trans, more of a transvestite.

These days transvestites fall under the trans umbrella Chamomileteaplease, at least according to Stonewall and to the many activists who celebrate the trans identities of transvestites.

‘The most manly man i know!’ works in IT

These phrases come up time and time again, this is not males finding their feminine side. Working in technology I encounter so so many and one common theme of the TW I’ve met is their determination to dominate and speak on behalf of women.

OP you’ve had lots of good advice here so I don’t have any to add.

I wondered though about his fathers reaction to him being caught wearing his sisters clothes. Did he say what clothes exactly? any are a violation of his sisters boundaries but if it included underwear that is even more so. I don’t believe beating up your children is the answer but perhaps his father were looking out for his daughter.

Also, he might be cheating. He didn't deny it, but diverted you.

Op how are you doing? Came back to check in. Xx

I don’t understand any of that. Is trans not just short for transgender and that is the new word for transvestite? Also the tea thing?

Pp I am gathering that Trans means tranvestite as much as it means transsexual. It also covers anyone who has had medication/surgery but is still intact 'down there'. It also seems to cover anyone who just says they are Trans like Jamie Wallis MP who hasn't done a thing to their appearance and people like Alex Drummond who just have long hair.

I think even the Trans community are confused and dispute the umbrella.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s a nightmare any of us could be in. I think you have to divorce. It’s a compulsion like an affair. You can’t stop it. Good luck. Very sad for you and your children

This says everything about priorities and respect.

it’s an excellent point.

any woman in an unhappy relationship should take note of this.

Absolutely this. If you take the trans/fetish stuff out (it could equally be secret gambling, stubborn alcoholism or drugs abuse, an affair, political extremism....) then would you want to stay together anyway? I do know of some women who can cope with their changed relationship when this rears its head, and god knows, good luck to them - but you DO NOT HAVE TO COPE. If he's changed this much, he won't talk to you properly about it, he wants to bring it 'into the bedroom' (eg involve you in his fantasy/kink), and he's resistant to outside help or therapy, then I don't really see much for you in this relationship.

I think it's very telling that he's taking your lingerie, spending a fortune on sex toys, bringing it to bed with you both, etc. Says very clearly to me that in his case, this is NOT an identity issue - it's a fetish. A kink.

Please join the transwidows op: you will find support and insight which will surely help you.
I don't understand if you think you'll be a lesbian if you stay in the relationship???
You wouldn't be changing your sexual orientation at all!!!
Could he move out rather than you???
I wish you all the very best op

Clueless nails it above. There is a standard script followed by men having a midlife crisis and the reason/particular focus is irrelevant: what matters is that you have the support you need, that you are not drawn into a situation that you don't consent to and which makes you unhappy and is a relationship of unequal power in which you have been handed the role of enabler, and that you are able to make the right choices for you, your child, and your wellbeing and stability and future. No one has any business telling you what choices to make: what women here will always do is encourage another woman that they are equally important, their happiness and wellbeing matters, and to help them find the support, the practical information and the confidence to free themselves from an unhappy or unhealthy situation if they wish to do so. This includes knowing that if you wish, there will be other relationships out there for you which may make you happy and provide you with a future you prefer.

Have you run into Chump Lady, OP? www.chumplady.com/

She has been blogging for years with support and insight for women dealing with the break up of a long term relationship where their partner has hit a mid life crisis/affair. Many articles are funny, it's all light reading, but she identifies the script very clearly, in particular the inevitable re writing of past shared history to fit current need and desire.

As pps say: TQ+ is not a magic special clause that makes an unhealthy relationship any healthier, or justifies and excuses behaviour that would otherwise be unacceptable, or places any different pressure on a woman to stay in an unhappy relationship. It is no different to a husband whose primary focus and attachment has become alcohol or gambling or an affair and has unilaterally changed the relationship. The important thing to you is your needs, your choices, your feelings and what you feel is the best thing for you. You have as much right to consider and prioritise that as your husband is already doing for himself.