Daughter dating transboy

[JustFrustrated]

I'm putting it in here, because whilst I am needing relationship advice....it's not that simple.

This might be long, and I'm on the app so if there are formatting issues I apologise

So my daughter is "dating a trans boy".

DD (13) asked me 3/4 months ago if she could "go out" with a boy in her school.
I asked the usual questions, how old is he, is he your year group, what do you like about him etc. I agreed they could "date".

This is all in ".." because whilst they say they're boyfriend/girlfriend they're far more akin to just being best friends, they hang out, talk etc. But haven't kissed or anything. They may have held hands.

In the time they've been together they've spent lots of time outside of school together, as in one weekend day together at either his or our house.
They've been away with his Mom, sisters and sister's boyfriend to their holiday cottage just up the road, and I've taken them both to a concert and to some theme parks etc. I've very much kept this at "treat it like any other friendship". I remember being their age. I also know my daughter, she's smart (like I'm not just saying this, she's genuinely incredibly academically smart) she's a sensible girl.
Having met his family (mom, older sister and younger sister) they all seem like good people. His mum works in a very serious profession, the registered body kind of profession. His dad died when he was still in primary school.

He seems like a perfectly normal, polite boy. I even said to my DD that it would be nice if she maintained this friendship regardless of their relationship status as he is nice, his family is nice. We all want our kids to have good friends around right?

They were at ours at the weekend and it came out that "he" is actually "she" as in, sex = girl, gender = boy

Now. To clarify. I couldn't give two shiny shits if DD is a lesbian, literally wouldn't bother me at all. My brother is gay, and him and his partner are welcomed with open arms by me and the entire extended family. She knows this. She knows I fired a member of staff that I otherwise adored for a homophobic comment - no hesitation. So she knows my line on that.

However, I'm a big big believer in sex matters. That gender is a construct etc. I'll keep my opinions on that to myself and away from her going forwards.

But I'm so fucking angry. I'm angry that his mum didn't see fit to tell me - this isn't an old transition, this is recent, last 12 months , he's not medicated etc. He's literally just changed his name and said he's a boy. I feel like I had a right to know, to know who my daughter is hanging out with. Not because I think he's a freak or anything - but because as her mum, I have a right to warn, protect and guide my daughter through the inevitable shit storm due her way now.

I know why DD didn't tell me, we discussed that later, calmly and openly. She said she was surprised I took it so well when I found out - of course I masked my initial shock and didn't display any outward signs of shock etc. At the end of the day these are all KIDS, who I want to know can come to me with anything and I'll always listen.

But I'm angry, and worried about how she'll navigate this. It's a major thing. Teens have a tendency to be cruel, and this is an open goal for them. I want to support her in standing by her friend, no matter the journey, but also teach her she can bow out to protect herself. Her priority has to be her.

I really don't need anyone telling me I'm a "terf" cause that's not an insult to me. I do believe in single sex spaces, I do believe that gender is a construct. I do believe that transition in kids is probably the result of trauma and that they shouldn't be guided down transition - it should be treated as a phase, respectfully yes, but as a phase.

I just needed to get it out of my head, so I can be the best mum I can be. I can't discuss this with my family, because it's her private business.

Also, how do I gently steer her away from a relationship with this kid? Should I even do that?

If it were anything else e.g race it wouldn't be a factor. Religion also wouldn't be, I'd trust her and her intelligence to work through it. But I'm really really worried for her.

I don’t get what you’re worried about? Why can’t your daughter continue this friendship?

I think 13 is a bit young for ‘dating’ myself. Your daughter’s sexuality will probably continue to develop and there might be many more situations like this. I would probably just ask myself whether I really want her dating at 13. If I thought it was fine, the fact that the kid she was dating was a ‘trans boy’ would be neither here nor there for me.

This all sounds...fine.

I could see the issue more if she were dating a trans girl (pregnancy risk etc that you would want to be aware of). Presumably your daughter has known all along that he is a trans boy?

She's 13. This is unlikely to last for long.
You've been supportive and hid your surprise well!
I can understand why you've felt blindsided, but what do you fear will happen now?
There's perhaps less to fear from her peers, unless you live somewhere where this is more likely. My DD gets shouted at for being a lesbian as school (she has short hair, that seems to be enough evidence) but generally kids are pretty accepting, her friends wouldn't bat an eyelid.
Her risk of your DD getting pregnant by her boyfriend has just dropped to zero.

I get you, OP. Indeed, it doesn’t matter that it’s a trans boy, but the fact that it has been kept a secret from you, would bother me too. I would wonder why that is, I don’t think any parent would have liked it that this hasn’t been discussed with you.

He's literally just changed his name and said he's a boy. I feel like I had a right to know, to know who my daughter is hanging out with
You did know who she was hanging out with though, he'd been round to yours, you'd met before, you were all getting on.
So why are you now angry because you've now found out he's trans?
Plus ha and good luck with trying to '' steer'' teenagers away from each other, you know that'll no doubt have the opposite effect, right?!

She’s 13. Smile sweetly and let it run its course.

Ok, I can see why you want to know all the facts. Perhaps the parents assumed you knew? In all honesty, dating a transboy is probably far safer than dating a boy...there's no risk of pregnancy at least.

Your DD at 13 has already been on holiday with the other child's family? As girlfriend/boyfriend? When you thought this child was male?

Tbh I wouldn't worry about this situation at the moment, any more than the usual level of interest if your DD at 13 announced she was in a relationship with a girl or boy. So discuss boundaries, consent, what a good relationship is like, issues around sexual health and that 13 is very young to be thinking of anything more than holding hands and kissing.

Same. I'd be concerned about a 13 year old "dating" too.

In reality, she has developed a good friendship with someone. She isn't being duped - she knows that this person is a girl who likes to dress in a traditionally masculine way, and use a traditionally masculine name.

I would, however, enquire about the sleeping arrangements when they've stayed at the friend's house. I'm in two minds whether I'd mind if they shared a room or bed - as they are effectively both girls. However, in your daughter's mind she is dating a boy, and I definitely wouldn't want to set any expectations that sharing a room/bed with a boy is OK.

What EXACTLY are you worried about?

That she'll decide she's a boy?
That people at school will taunt her for dating a trans kid?
That she'll want a sexual relationship in the future and then be confused about what body she's attracted to?

She hasn't been lied to. And I'd assume his parents thought you'd know. Did she never mention "Penny has realised she's a boy so now we call him Joe?"

I think your anger is actually with yourself that your child didn't tell you. She was surprised you were calm. She knew then you'd not respect her relationship. You don't trust her judgement, and she didn't trust yours.

Your DD at 13 has already been on holiday with the other child's family? As girlfriend/boyfriend? When you thought this child was male?
Exactly, OP must have been fine her DD going on holiday at 13 with her boyfriend before so seems like just has a problem now because they've found out he's trans?

post edited by MNHQ to remove a quoted deleted post
You don't explain why you're worried, which I find odd. Can I suggest reading this board for a while so you can articulate the position you've adopted more convincingly? I get the impression right now that you don't really understand it.

well, at least you don't have to worry about her getting pregnant.

and, seriously, it's your daughter's choice. I would gently encourage her to continue to maintain her other platonic friendships, since romances at this age rarely last long, but otherwise leave her to it.

like I hope most others on this board i have a number of TERF-y views on the spaces where male-bodied people have no business being/where their presence causes harm to female-bodied people. but obviously everyone must be free to 'love' whomever they want to.

I find it hard to beleive that you couldn't tell the difference between a 13 year old boy and a 13 year old girl. Also that you let what you thought was a boy go away overnight with your 13 year old daughter.

Educate her properly making sure she knows her "boyfriend" is 100% female and that will not change. And keep her on a tighter rein in general.

The thing to be worried about is social contagion - see the Abigail Shriver book on rapid onset gender dysphoria among teenage girls. From what I know I don't think you need to worry about cruelty and abuse. Becoming trans seems to catapult kids into top tier popularity and their parents to reflected adulation. Just make sure you DD is fully aware of the issues when teen transition goes beyond social and becomes medical. In most social cases it remains social and abates. But keep an eye on it. 13 is also very young for 'dating' so try to encourage a wider range of friends and activities.

What I'm staggered at, more than 13yr olds dating, is that this child's mother allowed her to change gender at such a young age! Her poor brain is nowhere near developed enough yet to be able to make such a decision and the fall out from this could damage them mentally forever.

As for your DD, I would be angry too. Have we reached the point now where the sex of a partner is seen as nobody else's business?! I realise your daughter knew but as she's only a young child, you had a right to know from the beginning. It is still your decision who your child associates with

*Abigail Shriver. Irreversible Damage

• Shrier (auto correct!!)

You do realise these are 13 year old children, don't you?

Sounds like a very tame, safe first relationship, whether she ends up being a lesbian and this is a way to test being in a lesbian relationship without having to come out; or she ends up straight, and this is a way to test dating a boy without the associated male teenager physicality. Not that she'd think about it like that, but lots of kids who end up hetero are still in same sex crush mode at that age.

I'd be much more worried if my child said they were dating same sex and it turned out to be secretly opposite sex, as people might be turning a blind eye to appropriate safeguarding. Or if they said they were dating same age and turned out to be an older child or something.

As it is - the lack of honesty is disappointing, but the relationship sounds like a sweet one and I'd not want to put them off.

It wasn’t up to the other child’s parents to tell you, that was up to your dd, she chose not to. Is that what’s really upsetting you?

Peers will already know they are seeing each other, so I doubt there’s anything to worry about there.

And fwiw I’m with you on “sex can’t be changed, gender is a social construct”

Surely you could tell the difference between a 13 yr old female or a 13 yr old boy?
Even in loose clothes.
It wouldn’t bother me - No pregnancy to worry about .

I can't believe you didn't at least suspect he is biologically she. It just sounds like a friendship, maybe she called it dating as "he" is presenting as a he.