husband called me a terf 😡

[3kidsandcounting2022]

Dd 8 had always preferred playing with boys and most of her interests aren't things her other peers dont like or understand. She has been saying she wants to be a boy for a while now and my response is that she can't be and she cant wear and play with what she likes.
She wears clothing from the boy section and she can play with anything she wants. Anyway dh is under the impression that she is transgender and we need to support her with it.
Long story short we had a massive row that ended in him calling me a terf.
I honestly dont know what to do :(

There's a difference between being neutral yet respectful versus supportive and cheerleading. It's not a teacher's job to lecture a parent that they must be "supportive" of their 8 year old child who believes they're the opposite sex.

It's not a teacher's role to actively support something that's harming such a young child - you have no qualifications in this niche area to make that decision. Have a read of this Pieceofpurplesky written by someone who's trained in child psychology. Look at the consequences of socially affirming little children and maybe reflect on the harm that some educators are doing to them with that unthinking "support" for a child's fantasies.

www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

So biology teachers are actually going along with this?

She isn't saying she is trans though is she. There is a difference between her saying she wants to be a boy, and saying she is a boy. Lots of girls think they want to be boys, my eldest dd included, but are perfectly happy to be women when they grow up. I think your dh needs to do a bit of research and stop making assumptions and calling you names.

No. Many of them are desperately hoping never to be challenged by a pupil whilst teaching the reproductive system. Many have discussed what they should and should not say with unions (as much use as a chocolate teapot) colleagues and SMT - all with varying degress of logic, I would assume.

Teacher's are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Until society says "Fuck off, human beings cannot change sex" and places like Mermaids, the people behind The Family Sex Show, TRAs, MRAs, the NSPCC, GGs, Labour Party, etc etc etc etc stop pratting around with ideological mumbo jumbo, no teacher will feel safe speaking out against the TWAW, support, validate, don't tell your parents line being fed to them under the guise of Inclusivity.

Don't blame teachers. This is a societal problem.

Don't blame teachers. This is a societal problem.

It really is. It is as I see it ideologically driven agenda full of propaganda and misinformation aided and abetted by well meaning people going along with it without questioning.

@MrsOvertonsWindow did I say anywhere that I agree? I am saying we HAVE to be neutral and supportive. Any child (I teach secondary) who comes out as trans/non binary etc is immediately reported to safeguarding. We take our lead from them. I teach a child with a trans parent, several trans identifying kids and lots who having issues with sexuality. I treat each child as an individual. Use the pronouns we are told to by school, the name we are told to by school. I would love to say no. But it's not my job

In all honesty I would rather tell the truth and lose my job than potentially ruin children's lives by pandering to some ridiculous notion. I feel so strongly about this.

I don't know, my DS is the same age and has always been somewhat gnc. I talk to him every now and then about trans/nb stuff. I don't want someone else looking at my son with his preference for long hair, his choice to dress as a female character about half the time when at dress up parties/events. His choice in after school activities being more popular with girls, ie dance/gymnastics over football. And deciding that he must be some form of trans. Especially as my XH is a big tra type.

So we talk about it sometimes. About how some people want to present as the opposite sex and how they attempt to do it. What level of change can be achieved and what can't. I let him draw his own conclusions from the facts. But he knows he can never "grow a baby in his tummy" or breastfeed, which was a big disappointment for him. So he's concluded that people who trans risk being less happy by trying to be something that they never can be, instead of learning to appreciate what's good about what they are.

Lucky you @Somanysocks that you are in a position to do so. I feel strongly about all my pupils whatever gender. My personal opinions don't count As much as
I would love to shout 'Boris Johnson is a twat' or 'women don't have dicks' or ' you will never pass this exam however hard you try'. I don't because I am professional as are all my colleagues. It's the teachers' code of conduct.

I was at school with a girl who wanted to wear "male" clothes
So she did. Had her hair cut short, wore the boys uniform, used her surname as her name. She knew she was female, if asked she would say she was a woman but she just preferred being how she was. We all accepted that, even as teenagers and its just "that's who she is"
I remember my mum asking me if she was a girl or boy and I said girl and mum saying well that's fair enough

There was no mention of hormones or transition or operations or binders and she was perfectly happy

Today she would have been pushed to transition

Pieceofpurplesky
I based my comment on what you said to the OP:
You need to support your daughter - don't tell her she can't be something or she will push even more!
I'm pointing out that it's possible to be supportive of an 8 year old child and be a responsible parent, clearly setting boundaries. This is a young child in the grip of a delusion that she can change sex. Did you read the link I posted showing what's happening to these children when the adults around them "socially affirm" these beliefs?

Yes it's not your role as a teacher to openly criticise these children - you take the lead from SLT & parents about how this is to be handled. But a parent (and that's who's posted) has quote rightly told her 8 year old daughter that she can't turn into a boy and you immediately criticised her for not being supportive.

Parents need to protect children from this social contagion that's sweeping schools as the vast majority of children are not and will never be transgender.

At 8 she's probably not in the grip of a delusion. She's being 8. I wanted to be a boy at 8. I thought I was a better type of girl/ woman until I was in my mid 20s. I'm the classic undiagnosed autistic child who had no idea I liked girls but knew I liked stuff girls aren't meant to like/ be good at.

Meeting butch lesbians changed my whole perspective and resolved a lot for me. At 8, she doesn't need to be thinking about any of this (or meeting lesbians - unless you know some). But what she definitely doesn't need is to be told that she's wrong as she is and there's 'treatment' for her.

I do feel sorry for young children these days, everything is so much more gendered than they were in the 80s when I was growing up. The way you describe her seems perfectly normal to me and I can relate to a lot of it. I can imagine I would have wanted to be a boy when the alternative is so hyper feminine (as it was I just wanted to be Batman...or the Hulk) no surgery for that though.

I think your husband needs to lighten up a bit, he is pathologising a perfectly normal development stage in your child's life and reading way too much into it which adds unnecessary confusion.

He's making the mistake a lot of people do which is seeing child like behaviour from an adult perspective and forgetting that children learn through role play and imagination.

Your child might be transgender, she might not. She might be a gay tomboy, a straight tomboy, or a trans boy. She says she "wants" to be a boy, not she "is." Supporting her in her gender expression is absolutely the right thing to do.

Whether you consider the consequences of being transgender good or bad, it makes no difference to whether she is transgender or not. People can't help being transgender - it has a strong hereditable component, and detransitioners post-puberty are vanishingly rare.

Explain the concept of gender identity - an internal sense of your gender - and explain that it's independent of what toys you want to play with, or what you want to wear. But don't make it an angry debate between you and your DH and start spreading scare stories about transition, or you will alienate your child, and possibly damage their development. It will make no difference to whether she is transgender or not.

It's much more of an issue if she expresses discomfort with her own body. If not, watchful waiting, listening and not telling her who she is or isn't will help.

it is clear transgender is not innate except in a tiny fraction of cases which are usually clear cut

Which makes it a learnt behaviour

Which makes how you talk about it important

Because you do need to teach the right things

Like sex can't be changed
Like gender is really not fundamental to life and that people who try to force your behaviour are just bad people

Expressing discomfort with your body is also very normal and carries no additional meaning beyond "you are normal"

Hear! Hear!

@DadJoke 14:40

People can't help being transgender - it has a strong hereditable component, and detransitioners post-puberty are vanishingly rare.

Please would you post the evidence that there is a strong hereditable component to being transgender?

Also, please would you post evidence of the ‘vanishingly rate’ detransitioners among those who transitioned post puberty?
Can you post a comparison of detransitioner among prepuberty transitioners as opposed to post- puberty transitioners.

For those who might not have read it here is a very interesting account from a detransitioned trans boy.

lacroicsz.substack.com/p/by-any-other-name?utm_source=url

People can't help being transgender - it has a strong hereditable component

Do you mean children with parents who are 'transgender' turn out to also suffer from gender dysphoria? So it's 'hereditable' in the way, say, Catholicism is?

If you mean there's a genetic component, do please post the evidence that shows this. Thanks.

Love her and support her right to be what ever she wants to be but leave the labels and medication until she's older.

People can't help being transgender - it has a strong hereditable component.

i must have missed the bit in the Tavistock reporting and case review which noted all these trans parents accompanying their trans children. Can you point it out DadJoke?

*Cass review

Gender dysphoria in children appears to be more strongly correlated to parental homophobia. Damn those genes.

Sorry. Haven't RTFF, limited internet time, got to p4. But I'd like to tell you about what my Dad said to someone who suggested it might be an idea to have my sticky-out ears pinned back when I was a baby (far less invasive and fraught with side effects than a medicalised transition): "No one lays a finger on my perfect baby."

@DadJoke Explain the concept of gender identity - an internal sense of your gender - and explain that it's independent of what toys you want to play with, or what you want to wear

can you explain what an internal sense of gender is?

you say it’s independent of toys, clothes etc so what is it?

because without exception all accounts of “i knew I was trans because” describe their liking for certain clothes, activities etc.

i don’t have an internal sense of gender.