husband called me a terf 😡

[3kidsandcounting2022]

Dd 8 had always preferred playing with boys and most of her interests aren't things her other peers dont like or understand. She has been saying she wants to be a boy for a while now and my response is that she can't be and she cant wear and play with what she likes.
She wears clothing from the boy section and she can play with anything she wants. Anyway dh is under the impression that she is transgender and we need to support her with it.
Long story short we had a massive row that ended in him calling me a terf.
I honestly dont know what to do :(

She is very very young. He is not correct.
Not wanting to dress up in girls clothes does not mean she is trans. So many women on here have come on to say they were what used be called Tom boys when they were young. It is normal. Your husband is strange to be pushing this agenda. Her brain won’t even be fully developed until she is in her early 20s.

Affirming is not neutral

you mention your DH feels his brother was abandoned for being gay.

What if your daughter’s more masculine presentation turns out to mean one day that she might be a lesbian.( Absolutely not saying she will be, but she couldbe. Equally lots of Tom boys are not.)

Is your DH going to abandon her by “transing away the gay”? Does he have secret internalised homophobia from his family?

Have you read the interim Cass Report?

Would I be able to find my ‘birth pronouns’ on my birth certificate?

The best thing any parent can be is to be honest. Gaslighting children into believing they can change sex, or that by wearing boys clothes and climbing trees means they're ‘trans’ is a massive safeguarding fail.

So ummm pips bunce is what now?

Own it. Say hell yeah!

There are over 50 options beyond "male" and "female" for users to describe their gender identity, from "gender questioning" and "neither" to "androgynous."

There are so many hundreds of identities involved in just being human.

Over ‘50’ gender identities is a meaningless reductive idea.

So, what about sexuality which is innate? Do you not believe in that then?

Agree. 8yo is too young to know as their identity is still forming. So trans cannot be ruled in or out.

When I was a girl, I always preferred my hair short & wearing jeans & t shirts. It was what I was comfortable wearing. I wouldn't have an issue with the clothes she wears or the friends she hangs out with, but I'd definitely stop at the whole transgender transformation. She's 8. They're fickle. One week they're friends with so & so. Next week they're not talking. Support her to a certain extent. If she wants to have a sex change, she can do it at 18 when she's free to make her own choices.

‘So, what about sexuality which is innate? Do you not believe in that then?’

I’m not entirely sure where or how sexuality emerges. There’s a theory there is a genetic component to it (which is the only way it would be ‘innate’) and there is a theory it is more fluid, and there is a theory it is fixed in adulthood but emergent in adolescence in response to stimulus, i.e. a psychological state.

I have no idea which it is.

So to be trans you first need a belief about gender identity?

Does that mean if people stopped spreading the concept no one would be trans?

Sexuality= what kind of bodies (male and/or female) will cause you to experience sexual arousal (symptoms including, but not limited to, a faster heart rate, vaginal lubrication, increased blood flow to the genitals...)

What does this have to do with wanting to have cosmetic surgery and cross-sex hormones?

So she’s a tomboy (as many girls have been before). Is he homophobic that she may grow up to be a lesbian? Would he prefer to have her medicalised and brought up to believe that she was born ‘defective’??

Has your husband heard of detrans women Kiera Bell? Sinead Watson? Helena Kirschner?

Has he wondered why there's been an explosion in the numbers of pubescent and teen girls thinking they are the opposite sex, when the numbers of kids used to be much smaller and most were mainly little boys?

Would he take your daughter to a doctor and ask them to remove her legs if she said she truly believed that she should be an amputee? Such people exist. Why is their self-perception wrong, and your daughter's not?

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2000/12/a-new-way-to-be-mad/304671/

Who cares what he says. You are doing the right thing for your daughter. Stand firm.

PurgatoryOfPotholes

indeed. A measurable reaction compared to a immeasurable feelings.

What has sexuality got at all to do with gender identity?

So, what about sexuality which is innate? Do you not believe in that then?

i don’t know if it’s innate. I do know people can love or have sex with whoever they choose.

people can not change sex. Gender identity can’t be innate as gender is a set of learned social behaviours. You aren’t born knowing pink is for girls, and boys like football.

speaking of, if a football playing trans boy moved to the US where soccer is a girls sport, what would happen to their “gender identity”. If they’ve grown up knowing they’re a boy because they like football and other male pursuits, what happens if the culture changes and football is now a girls activity?

Isn't there data to show that gender non-conforming children are more likely to grow up to be same sex attracted than trans.

This worries me alot. If she follows similar path to me and most females in the family she will start puberty soon and have large breasts. I know from bitter experience she will experience negative male attention which will no doubt fuel all this :(

What ever happened to being a ‘Tom boy’? I went through that phase when I was around 9 to 12, and then I went back to wearing girly clothes again. If she still wants to be a boy when she’s an adult then that’s fair enough, but this is probably nothing but a phase.
(I just had to Google what a TERF was)

From further discussion with dh it came to light he wasn't aware that most women find the term offensive ( i do believe that)

Thanks for all the reading material ive generally found them helpful

This article was posted on another thread: www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

It’s really useful and makes the case for just letting your daughter be a girl who chooses things Society puts in the ‘boy’ section.

I feel really strongly about this because it’s basically who I was. I’m SO glad I grew up in a period where no one tried to trans me, and just left me to be a short haired girl in ‘boys’ clothes who liked playing football.

Don’t let him give her any kind of complex or hang ups about ‘being trans’. She’s just herself!

She's not "transgender", she's nine. She has grown up in this awful world where society tells you that "girl" = pink dresses with unicorns, and that "boy" = jeans and dinosaur t-shirts.

You both just need to reinforce that girls can do anything boys can do (assuming that she's got no ambitions to become a Catholic priest) and that liking football or cars doesn't stop her being a girl and that there's nothing wrong with that

Oh my goodness OP, you and DH are on completely different pages.

I'm sorry he has such a strong opinion when you both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet, but you absolutely must pull rank on this and you need to show him this is a very different thing to his brother.

Wanting to be a boy can be a very normal part of some girl's childhood. A lot of girls reject female stereotypes and want to be one of the boys, they were called Tomboys!! I exclusively hung around with boys at my junior school, calling ourselves the 'boys club', I didn't want it changed to 'boys and girl club' even though they asked me. This changed when I got older.

A lot of men haven't spent as much time with their kids and also other kids to see all the nuances and differences that you have.

He may not remember Tomboys from childhood like you do and also have a more black and white view of how girls behave, a lot of men do - the men in my family and male friends are like this, bless 'em.

What does it feel like to feel like a male?

Tell your husband he's a fucking misogynist and a danger to his daughter's well being.