AIBU? Trans friend....

[OrchardBlack]

Have NC'd for this.

So a close friend of mine (female) and I booked tickets to an event in our town some time ago, due to take place in a few weeks. Both excited and looking forward to it , all good.

A few weeks ago she asks me if a male , straight friend of hers can also join, no problem, the more the merrier. I've never met him.

Except it now transpires that he has (quite suddenly from what I gather) said he is transitioning to be a woman and will use this night as his 'coming out'. He has messaged my friend saying that he's going to wear a sun dress and heels and he's nervous but excited too. He has also said we are to refer to him by his female name. My friend says he is currently in a relationship with a woman.

Now my friend is saying she is finding this all a lot to take on so suddenly as she's known him for many years as his male name and never even seen him with makeup on. I asked if he would be using the women's toilets on our night out, she doesn't know but I can only assume he is.

I feel very uncomfortable, as does my friend. I am fully supportive of people choosing to live how they wish, I just can't help feeling he's high-jacked our night. He isn't out as trans to any of his family etc so he has said no photos of the night etc. I'm also massively concerned that he is clearly still attracted to women and what this means for the safe spaces such as toilets etc.

She says she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about it and is concocting a plan to say she has covid and giving me my money back so we don't go. I'm dissapointed as I was looking forward to it.

AIBU to be deflated and a bit annoyed??

@Hello606

I don’t understand how this can possibly bother you at all

She literally gave you a list of reasons why it bothers her FFS.

“ I've never seen someone get a kick out of watching a lady use the loo tbh.”

Have you been living under a rock on a uninhabited island your entire life? Or have you just never read a newspaper, or watched the news?
We were taught at school to check for spycams in toilets.

I don’t understand how this can possibly bother you at all

She had a night out planned with a friend.

They were both excited about it.

Someone else muscled in on it.

Has now made it all about them when the OP doesn't even know them.

Has started making demands such as banning photos being taken on the night out and put on SM.

I would understand why this would bother her for any reason!

Or are you always so completely subservient to men that you don't even consider your own comfort or plans?

So a man with full male anatomy chooses to wear a dress and make up and pretend to be a woman.
He will recieve abuse in a male toilets.
Therefore he will invade womens toilets despite how women might feel about this.

2 lots of bad male behavior. One a man reeking of entitlement to present himself as a woman and invade a woman's space.

Two, men in male toilets behaving abusively.

To accommodate both sets of male choices, women must accept a man in their toilet.
As usual women are expected to a accept and accommodate male behavior.

If he finds himself on the receiving end of male harassment in the bogs, it's fabulous practice to be a real woman.
Welcome to our world🙄

Could you not just say you can't guarantee no photos and you've been looking forward to it for ages so it's up to them to keep out of photos.

@DuckyNoMates

Could you not just say you can't guarantee no photos and you've been looking forward to it for ages so it's up to them to keep out of photos.

I mean that would be the obvious solution and easiest without too much confrontation but for someone to insert themselves on a strangers night out and then tell them how they expect that person to behave is already showing a disregard for boundaries.

In my experience, men don't take too kindly to women asserting boundaries...

@BlueSlate good point. I'd still say it anyway. As for the loos there's nothing you can do really, there could be loads of transwomen in there, its a public event.

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!

This really is a load of nonsense.

As a man I can tell you that if a bloke wearing a dress walks into mens toilet, the reaction 99.99% of the time from other men in there will simply be a roll eyes and a ‘why the fuck is that bloke wearing a dress?’

Presumably they think your friend is a good friend and someone who will be supportive but thIs doesn’t seem to be the case.
Your friend should talk to them and explain that she’s not comfortable with this, for whatever reason.
And it sounds like the trans woman needs to get better friends.

@Cheetocat

So another woman will be joining you and a friend? I don't see the issue, she's obviously not a predator or anything if your friend trusts her enough to have planned going to an event together in the first place.

Putting on a dress doesn't magically make a man a woman. Hes a man. He's going to start using womens safe spaces, a place where he has absolutely no right to go. I do wonder, all the people who play along with this kind of mental illness, would you do the same for a schizophrenics delusion too?

So why doesn’t your friend just tell this new addition that the night is off and you carry on as planned (ie just the two of you)?

She can use whatever excuse she likes (honestly is probably best so ideally she would just say the night is about the two of you alone and you don’t want to change the dynamics) but maybe don’t splash it all over social media if that will cause problems.

Why can't your friend say he is welcome to come along but neither of you could care what he wears, as clothes aren't exciting or part of being a woman.. Him going in the ladies toilets isn't your or your friends issue.

@Joystir59

Why can't your friend say he is welcome to come along but neither of you could care what he wears, as clothes aren't exciting or part of being a woman.. Him going in the ladies toilets isn't your or your friends issue.

It is their issue. He will want to go to the toilet in a ‘girly gang’, not alone. He will follow them if they go.

I think YABU in jumping to conclusions.
My teen dd has a trans (girl) friend, and all it means is that she is now addressed by a girl's name and wears a girl's school uniform. My dd and her friends had a sensible conversation with her about how uncomfortable and unsafe girls would feel about having a male in the girls' toilets and changing rooms, especiallyone who is bi. Trans women doesn't or shouldn't have to be about appropriation and wolf in sheep's clothing, and her coming out on your night put is an opportunity for you to be listened to.
What is particularly special about the night out? It isn't a significant birthday or hen do, so I don't understand the comments about high jacking. Would you feel the same if he was coming out as gay, or are you worried about them attracting negative attention?

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

A SUNDRESS IN APRIL?

I'm worried. This person will not have the benefits of a female fat to muscle ratio.

I'm mean, I'm female, and very very fat and even I wouldn't risk this wardrobe disaster without at least a pashmina and packamac in my handbag.

Are you sure your new BFF has done "their" research?

This was my concern. Late March is more "jeans and a nice top".

The bit I don’t get in any of this is that being a “woman” is defined by wearing dresses make up and high heels ?

A lot of women do none of that .

Ours lives are not defined by our appearance.

It's difficult, I dont like the idea of men in ladies loos, if you have the bits still your a man. But on the other hand I can see its not acceptable to use mens loo either. Maybe if heshe goes to loo one of you go too. Not long ago I read about a woman being raped on a woman only hospital ward. That poor lady was told it didn't happen as only woman on ward. It turns out that a trans man,woman was also on the ward and did in fact rape her. It was on camera. The hospital knew it happened but tried to gas light her

He probably thought that you would be gagging to be supportive and 'an ally' on his 'coming out night'. That's what us woken do isn't it?

Women not woken!

Blokes would probably just ask if they were on a stag do

Why not get friend to say that you guys have been looking forward to the night and you have told her you will be taking photos and posting them and as she knows he will be uncomfortable then it would be better if he didn’t join you.

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!

Haven't read the whole thread yet because I couldn't get past this comment.

We need to get rid of the attitude that it's clothes that define you as a man or a woman- this is what lies at the crux of these issues! I'm almost beginning to think that if women and men wore the same clothes, there wouldn't be any 'trans people'.

Yell PHOTO! Each time and ask if they want to get out the way