Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

You sound very kind but honestly, I think you need to focus on yourself and your child now, not on him, and think of your futures.

It’s great that you can bring your experience the OP needs to see different perspectives. Obviously if it’s your life partner it’s exceedingly traumatic. IME many people are keen to advise you to LTB engage a lawyer and take him (it’s usually a him) to the cleaners. But as the OP clearly shows in her posts she loves her partner, ending their relationship may not at present be the right answer. As I’ve found the person with gender dysphoria often is struggling to make the right decisions for themselves and their partner, the partner is also struggling to make the right decision for themselves and their partner inevitably when it’s your life partner it causes considerable heart break uncertainty and sole searching. It’s hard to make the right decisions especially if the decision is to leave when you love them.
Having gender dysphoria is one aspect of a person personality admittedly a big one but they can still be good fathers and caring husband I have many many happy times with my husband we have so many positives in our relationship walking away is an exceedingly painful option.

I know it wasn’t the Krankies who actually said Eee I could rip a tissue but that’s the image that comes up in my head every time I see the username.

For people who weren’t watching kids TV in the 80s, Google Jimmy / Jeannette Krankie. I’ll leave it there.

But as the OP clearly shows in her posts she loves her partner,

Those of us who left also loved our partners. I loved my husband even after I left him, until his actions made it impossible for me to do so any more.

Please don't portray this a some kind of indication of how much we love.

Those of us who do leave though generally come to realise it was the version of our husbands that they presented to us initially that we fell in love with. Not the almost entirely different version of themselves that they become.

The very second they start saying that the dad is now 'mum' if you actually bothered to read my point.

Yes @RedToothBrush the OP mentioned her DS calling his father "mum". That's what prompted my comments ad your magnificent post about the well-being & rights of @LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin's DS.

Eee I could rip a tissue
🤦‍♀️

I’ve been reading Eels Could Rip a Tissue this whole time. (My brain: yes, they probably could? Especially since it would be wet. But why highlight this fact in your username?)

Thank you for making the world a tiny bit less mysterious.

@allmywhat

Eee I could rip a tissue 🤦‍♀️

I’ve been reading Eels Could Rip a Tissue this whole time. (My brain: yes, they probably could? Especially since it would be wet. But why highlight this fact in your username?)

Thank you for making the world a tiny bit less mysterious.

Other options would have been “Ooh I could crush a grape” or “Ooh I could wrestle an Action Man”.

@mummykel16

Always felt like a woman, what nonsense

Always felt he would like to be a woman, which is an entirely different thing.

It's been said before, but bears repeating - imagine what kind of reception OP would get if she were the one transitioning to be a man. I wonder how many people would expect the husband to be kind and centre OP's needs?

I'm interested in what the husband actually means when he says he wants to feel like/live like/be a woman. And would a good therapist help explore this?

Just a guess, but I doubt "living as a woman" means giving up his job for the first four years of the child's life, then getting a crap paid part time job just to fit around school hours and doing all the family's life admin and the majority of the household chores.

OP; this must be so overwhelming, I do hope you have some time to process your options.

One thing I've realised in middle age is how many people stay in mediocre or outright shit relationships, such is the fear (or logistics/expense) of being single. It's a shame society places such value on being in a couple.

@Strugglingwifeofatrans

It’s great that you can bring your experience the OP needs to see different perspectives. Obviously if it’s your life partner it’s exceedingly traumatic. IME many people are keen to advise you to LTB engage a lawyer and take him (it’s usually a him) to the cleaners. But as the OP clearly shows in her posts she loves her partner, ending their relationship may not at present be the right answer. As I’ve found the person with gender dysphoria often is struggling to make the right decisions for themselves and their partner, the partner is also struggling to make the right decision for themselves and their partner inevitably when it’s your life partner it causes considerable heart break uncertainty and sole searching. It’s hard to make the right decisions especially if the decision is to leave when you love them. Having gender dysphoria is one aspect of a person personality admittedly a big one but they can still be good fathers and caring husband I have many many happy times with my husband we have so many positives in our relationship walking away is an exceedingly painful option.

My XH isn't trans so I don't know exactly what that feels like. However he is an alcoholic and for a long, long, long time I had so much sympathy for him. I was desperate to be there for him to help him with his 'illness.' To show him how loved he was. I focussed on the idea that I have many many happy times with my husband we have so many positives in our relationship walking away is an exceedingly painful option.

But guess what. Walking away was the number one best thing I ever, ever did with my life. Ever did for my child. I knew I wasn't happy day to day with his alcoholism. But I'm someone who is very easily able to content myself in a shitty situation. To find happiness in small things even during bad times. Then I left. It was terrifying and painful. But it was also glorious. It was only through getting out of the marriage that I realised how much it had been hurting me. How it feels to actually be really happy. The only bad part was realising how very much of my life I wasted trying to fix something that was beyond my power to fix. Eking happiness out of a miserable situation instead of just leaving and having an abundance of happiness every day.

So yeah, maybe you will find more happiness in your marriage than you will if you leave. It's possible, I can't say for sure that you won't. But so many of us have had the experience of feeling very like how you do now. And have eventually made the terrifying painful step we tried to avoid for the longest time only to realise that the reward for leaving is immense.

Also "Ooh I could jump over a dolls house."

I used to love Stu Francis on Crackerjack.

Dear Op

My advice is the same as many here. Your family situation will change and most likely already has. As you are not driving the change the consequences will not be within your control and this will be a time of anxiety (as your post indicates you are already feeling).

Navigating these changes will be easier for you and your child if you have independent financial, legal and emotional support from the beginning. Crossing your fingers is unlikely to lead to best outcomes, start with the foundations and work upwards.

BW

@TinselAngel

Also "Ooh I could jump over a dolls house."

I used to love Stu Francis on Crackerjack.

CRACKERJACK!

Where's me pencil & pen?

@Akela64

Dear Op

My advice is the same as many here. Your family situation will change and most likely already has. As you are not driving the change the consequences will not be within your control and this will be a time of anxiety (as your post indicates you are already feeling).

Navigating these changes will be easier for you and your child if you have independent financial, legal and emotional support from the beginning. Crossing your fingers is unlikely to lead to best outcomes, start with the foundations and work upwards.

BW

And this.

Counselling should be for you, how this affects you, what your needs are without the fog of guilt, from other's people's requirements, that envelops you in daily life.

@RedToothBrush Well the child can call his father Dad but the fact that he looks like a woman and people treat him as a woman doesn't go away. It's a much deeper issue. I do center my child right now thinking what's best in a situation where I think transition is inevitable either now or later in life. It's something I wish away but I'm afraid it's my reality that's happening.

I am a very social person with lots of mums friends, my child is very sociable as well. I'm scared that we will be alienated after the transition whether we'll split up or not. I see the majority here are quite hostile to the father..

I will read more on how this affects families and children to make a choice if when this is going to happen and whether we'll stay together.

but the fact that he looks like a woman and people treat him as a woman doesn't go away

Well, being honest and realistic, he's not going to look very much like a woman - they're not going to be able to give him a head and body transplant and people aren't going to treat him like a woman, they're going to be much nicer to him. They're going to treat you like a woman though and expect you to continue doing all the emotional labour for him and for your child.

I see the majority here are quite hostile to the father..
It's very unusual for a poster here to not want women to be in her side. It's a feminist board. We support women.

@TinselAngel sorry for not responding to you directly, I'm still reading comments and hoping to get to the links this evening. Thank you for sharing the resources. And I agree I should center my child and myself. It's hard though as at the moment I am happy with my life and am still somewhat in denial of what's happening. I just want this to go away.

Spoke to DH about my feelings yesterday, he said that he only wants to go through with this if a stay with him. He loves us too much and won't transition if this means I leave. We agreed he'll get therapy. We agreed we'll look into stories of how this affects children as I feel he's very naive about the impact. I see how much he wants to transition and he wanted this all his life. He feels he's got his family on his side now and is more brave about it. Would I want my parent to sacrifice something that big for me? I still cannot believe that he is indeed able to go back in the closet and "forget about the whole thing".

I agree that not long time ago gay people were treated with similar hostility, and in fact many gay people also had a traumatic experience as children. However modern society agrees that it's not a mental health issue. Irregardless of what made you gay, transsexual or whatever person you are now, whether it's epigenetics, past event, trauma, you can't fix this. You are who you are.

I see how sometimes autistic children are bullied because they are different, because it's uncomfortable to be around them, because kids wish they didn't have to deal with them and they would go away. The same way I see transsexuals being bullied here, it's a shame because we are adults. They are different but they are people that deserve respect and kindness.

Op I know the term "transsexuals" can be useful to distinguish between the more nebulous trans categories but if you continue to use it you risk getting your posts deleted for transphobia, as it's not considered by some to be the correct term.

I agree that not long time ago gay people were treated with similar hostility

Yes - and its great that that has changed. But, although I have gay friends, I would be less than thrilled if my husband turned out to be gay. I would want him to have a happy life etc and would wish no ill upon him - but neither should society expect me to stay married to him/subsume my own happiness to supporting him (and I don't think it would make either of us happy). I don't think being Trans is exactly the same mind but being kind doesn't mean never having boundaries/putting your own wellbeing first. All that does is lead to festering resentment and dishonesty.

The same way I see transsexuals being bullied here,

I think you have a lot of work to do on centring yourself. It is absolutely not the job of trans widows to defend or care for "transsexuals", there's plenty of other people more than willing to do that.

Many of our exes at some point in the process say they will only go ahead if we stay with them/ if we agree to it/ if we can be more accepting.

The reality is, they always progress at a rate which suits them and wives are just deluding themselves if they think otherwise. This sort of negotiation just encourages more secrecy I'm afraid. You have no control over this.

he said that he only wants to go through with this if a stay with him. He loves us too much and won't transition if this means I leave

This is emotional blackmail. You surely can't stay with someone this manipulative who has mislead you for so many years.

Also, if you think people are being hostile on this look up threads where a husband has cheated on his wife/failed to ever unload the dishwasher. I think posters in general tend to focus on the wellbeing of the poster and child over their husband. While that can sometimes lead to some crazyness/projection it isn't surprising (given its MUMSnet) and isnt always a bad thing either. If you get too far into the mindset that you (or anyone else) putting yourself first/thinking about you before your husband = being anti your husband you will struggle down the line

It never ceases to amaze me how this is the only type of relationship breakdown where women are expected and encouraged to say "but never mind me, what about poor him?"

I agree the updated use of "transexual" on this thread is odd.