Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

@Wandawide I see it as similar because people didn't choose to want to become another gender. Your post suggests that's my husband choice to want it or to feel the way he feels. He doesn't want to feel the way he feels but he does. It's about the freedom to be who they are without the fear of being fired, bullied, etc. You can also say that being gay is a perversion of sexuality and is similar to being say a necrophile. But it's not. It's been accepted that gay and trans people do not with harm to other people and are normal people living their lives as they see fit.

They are not some egotistic demons that want to destroy other peoples lives and deceive them putting a disguise on to sneak into other gender toilets to watch women or men pee.

Actually - regarding letting my child go to another parents house - to be honest that's always going to be something that I am careful over and am ready to re-draw boundaries over any time. I know lovely people with large dogs that my son is friends with - and I don't let my son play at theirs for that reason. They don't know that's the reason, I just engineer it so they always play elsewhere. Other parents might not let their children go if they are going to be babysat by the father rather than the mother - again personal choice. But that's not the same thing as a child/family being ostracised. You can't take on the burden of how others perceive this. It isn't healthy and it isn't possible.

That's not what I meant. What I meant I imagine all of you here being mums that I know personally and that when you hear the news that my husband is transitioning you would stop letting your kids in our house, would not want to see my husband, or be friends with my child anymore.

I think many of the women here - and I'm definitely speaking for myself now - would struggle with the idea of exposing my daughter to the idea that sex change is a thing, although I'm rowing against the tide there. That would give me pause. If there was no gaslighting element, I wouldn't care.

@Artichokeleaves thank you, I wish everyone was like that. What do you mean by saying what he exposes kids to? Say if he lives as a full time woman?

You may find it helpful to look at the Children of Transitioners website, to find out how to support your child. They write about everything from abuse and bullying, to coercive, sexual and domestic abuse by the transitioning parent (nearly always fathers) and how to help children of transitioners eg in school.
childrenoftransitioners.org/

Their eye opening submission to the GRA a couple of years ago is also on there:
committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/16837/pdf/

@OhHolyJesus I don't think the situation where I'd find out my husband was gay would be the same. In my situation my husband finds me sexually attractive and wants to stay with me in monogamous relationships. I find my DH sexually attractive too and I entertain an idea that I might still find him attractive after his transition. But I told him I can't promise that I will or that I won't yet. Both of us don't want to be with other people.

@TinselAngel he won't be a woman for some people but for others he will be. I have a person in my life who is a transwoman I don't think of her as a man. So to me personally maybe I will think of him as a woman. In terms of how he looks I can see he could pass with minor adjustments so some people might not pay attention and not know. Or think is he a woman is he a man. He will talk to a therapist to figure stuff out for himself. Is he really a transwoman or non binary and what change will make him happy or no change. Oh a lot to process for me.

@PleasantBirthday my close family friend is an LGBTQ+ activist and I grew up knowing that some people believe they were born different gender and might want to transition. It didn't mess my identity.

Wishing you all the best, OP, I hope you and your DH are able to work out the best way forward for your family.

As you rightly say, society has moved on in terms of acceptance and hopefully, people won't feel they need to suppress who they are in the future. I know two people in their 20's who are in the process of transitioning and it's much easier to do this before you are in a committed relationship or have children. It's still certainly not easy, of course, but their future partners won't be going through what you are.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@PleasantBirthday my close family friend is an LGBTQ+ activist and I grew up knowing that some people believe they were born different gender and might want to transition. It didn't mess my identity. [/quote]
That's great but I don't want my child to have to absorb the message that human beings can change sex and I'm just not sure I'd send them to a house where they are invited to act as though someone there is now a different sex to the one they were born.

They are not some egotistic demons that want to destroy other peoples lives and deceive them putting a disguise on to sneak into other gender toilets to watch women or men pee.

The problem is, the conflation of sex with gender identity and the push for self ID - to make a legal woman out of any intact male who simply says he is a woman, with no legal or medical process or involvement whatsoever, and vice versa - is a literal open door for those people who ARE such demons. It's clearly and widely open to abuse by predatory men who just claim to be trans.

This is the key point people are constantly misunderstanding J K Rowling on, and she's made it so clear by now that it's hard to think it's not intentional.

In a world where predators have taken cloth or become teachers or firefighters to get at vulnerable people, I don't know why everyone thinks this would be such a safe thing to do. Especially since the whole problem is that the predator wouldn't actually have to go through any process at all. Just say he feels like a woman, and that's it.

We need a conversation about how to find a solution that works reasonably for everyone, but as long as a prominent part of the trans campaign consists of people calling women names and threatening them, it's not going to happen.

Thank you everyone for overwhelming support and attention this thread got. My plan is to
1 Find out more through links given about effect of transitioning and life after on children
2 get counseling for myself
3 get therapy for DH
As a short time plan.. then see what we are at.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@TinselAngel he won't be a woman for some people but for others he will be. I have a person in my life who is a transwoman I don't think of her as a man. So to me personally maybe I will think of him as a woman. In terms of how he looks I can see he could pass with minor adjustments so some people might not pay attention and not know. Or think is he a woman is he a man. He will talk to a therapist to figure stuff out for himself. Is he really a transwoman or non binary and what change will make him happy or no change. Oh a lot to process for me.[/quote]
Yes, a lot for YOU to do.

This is your life and your decision. Just be sure that your return on investment will be worth it. There is no fairy godmother to reward you for sacrificing yourself at someone else's altar if there's nothing in it for you. No reward anywhere, and you get only one life. And it gets harder to start over the older you are.

* 1 Find out more through links given about effect of transitioning and life after on children*

You don’t need to do research op
You know your child

* get therapy for DH*

And why would this be YOUR job

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Thank you everyone for overwhelming support and attention this thread got. My plan is to 1 Find out more through links given about effect of transitioning and life after on children 2 get counseling for myself 3 get therapy for DH As a short time plan.. then see what we are at.

Good plan, but why can't your husband sort out his own therapy? I say this kindly, start how you mean to go on, otherwise you will fall into the role of support human.

Good luck.

get therapy for DH

Why can't he do this for himself?

The only person I know who transitioned remained a deeply unhappy and troubled person afterwards. I think they thought that going through surgery and changing the way they dressed would change how they felt inside. But it didn't.

They wanted to blame society for it not working out but really I think the problem was deep ore-existing psychological problems and alienation. This was then made worse by struggling to find acceptance and relationships and not being able to achieve the looks and feelings they thought transitioning would bring. Add to that the trauma of surgery and major hormonal treatments which also impacted on mood and emotions. They moved away from the place they'd lived for years to try to start again and lost touch with the friends and family they had. It was really sad.

I think it's important to question through counselling what the person thinks will change and what they really think they will achieve from transitioning. Are there other ways to express your true self without drastic and irreversible interventions needing to be taken? What does living as a woman really mean to them and what are the changes they think it will bring? What are the risks inherent in what they want to do - are they prepared for all the things they might lose?

I wish you well OP. You sound like a very kind and decent person. Look after what you really want too. Any relationship that works is one of equal partners - both of whose needs are met.

@DrSbaitso

get therapy for DH

Why can't he do this for himself?

He will, sorry again English is not my first language.

Having read most of the posts, I do think some people have missed that the OP loves her partner, cares for them and is concerned as to their mental health; they are (both) treading new ground here. Counselling would be great. If one organises it or the other organises it, what's the difference.

I can only speak for the one relationship that I know, and that from a distance. My friends marriage partner struck me as being incredibly shy the first time we met in person, I see posts of her now and the transition (!) is extraordinary. Bright, confident, cheerful. Self-possessed. They refer to each other as "wife". While it may not be the marriage my friend signed up to 35+ years ago, it's stood the test of time and challenges. They have grown children and grandchild. They are a family.

If one organises it or the other organises it, what's the difference.

It's about not being dragged into doing the work to enable the transition. If a spouse plans to transition (especially if it's a man), they can't expect their partner to do the wife work around it. In order to maintain your own distance and sanity, I think there has to be a clear demarcation, otherwise you could end up being sucked into being overly supportive at your own expense and forget to watch out for your own needs.

Has he tried to be more stereotypically "feminine" in small ways? If atm he has no notion of what he wants or how he really feels, other than he wants to present as more feminine, could he give it a go, without having to go all the way? A more androgynous style, to test the waters?

Eg growing his hair, wearing some black nail varnish and a bit of black eyeliner, having his eyebrows styled. A bit of fake tan. Waxing his arms/armpits/chest.

Also, would he consider getting some stereotypically feminine piercings done, both ears, nose, belly button? Or a feminine tattoo?

I actually personally find this sort of aesthetic very sexy, and have dated/slept a fair few androgynous types over the years (male and female).

How does your dh normally present? What's his style like? What's his personality like?

You said you carry the mental load/do the wifework, and I think you could use that as a way to broach the idea that actually being a woman, is much much more than just looking like a woman (which doesn't require one to actually be a woman). Does he have sisters, neices etc? I think many men don't understand how differently boys and girls are often raised, and the social conditioning females undergo, from we're ridiculously young. The ones who didn't enjoy male conditioning, wouldn't have nesseccarily been any happier with the reality of the female version.

9

Good advice, @SoItWas. Small steps like that might help both the OP and her DH decide how they want to move forward. I know that for me personally, it might influence my attraction towards my DH, because I’ve always been attracted to traditionally masculine physical traits like hairy legs and chests, for example!

It may help the OP decide whether she wants to continue her romantic/sexual relationship with her DH if he transitions.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Another though.. according to some people here if he said if you don't want me to transition I won't - it's putting his choice on me a decision that he has to make himself. But then if he said I am transitioning regardless of how you feel - it's being a bad partner and an arsehole. You cannot win.

I disagree with the second part of your statement.

Putting the 'burden' on you and your child if he doesn't transition is very unfair. Do you seriously think he won't have pent up resentment that you have 'denied' him his 'true self'? It is NEVER right to make one's own choice another person's responsibility. And you would never feel that either of you is living an 'honest life' as true partners, him because he's denying his 'self', you because you know he isn't really who he's portraying himself to be.

If he chooses to transition I don't feel it makes him a 'bad partner', per se. It makes him someone who (right or wrong) wants to live the life they feel they were meant to live. BUT, he does have a responsibility to do all he can to help you and DC get through it via counseling and by giving you 'space' (physical and/or emotional) to come to terms with his decision without pressuring you to accept it and/or to continue the relationship. Just as he wants to live his 'true life', he has to enable you to do the same. But because HE is the one causing the change, it is up to him to support you, not the other way round.

I see the majority here are quite hostile to the father

I am late to this but would like to explain this, form my perspective. Hositle? Maybe. In as much as often the expectation is that the wife will simply acquiesce and trot along happily. For example, lobbyists such as Stonewall are still trying hard to make it impossible for a wife or husband to say no, do not transition until we are divorced because I did not and do not want a same sex marriage, ro whatever their objection might be. They call it a spousal veto, as though that means the partner that wants to transition cannot. When what it actually means is the legal paperwork, and emotional upset, is far easier if the divorce happens first.

That and most of us feel for you. Your relationship is founded upon a lie and yet here you are trying to work out how to make the future easier for him/her and blaming yourself because you didn't listen hard enough.

If you don't want or need that support then you are one hell of a strong woman, or have decided that his transition will shape your life, divorced or not!