Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

And that's in addition to the trans widows being a recognised authority on FWR.

I’m listening Tinsel. I’m not the OP and am not in this situation but I have learnt a lot from you and others from your trans widows thread and recognise the work that you do. So thank you from me, if no-one else!

It's very odd when you're a recognised (by a parliamentary select committee!) authority on something, but nobody on a thread wants to listen to you about your actual area of expertise
Not sure what this is about?.
Is it a form of '' don't you know who I am?! ''
Er, no?!
With a if so
You're posting in here, just like other people with transitioning partners are.
They can post too with their viewpoint and different experience to you

And that's in addition to the trans widows being a recognised authority on FWR
Recognised authority - what?
Are you Mumsnet special rubber stamped or something
You realise other viewpoints are allowed to be heard, right?. Alongside yours?!

@EeeICouldRipATissue

It's very odd when you're a recognised (by a parliamentary select committee!) authority on something, but nobody on a thread wants to listen to you about your actual area of expertise Not sure what this is about?. Is it a form of '' don't you know who I am?! '' Er, no?! With a if so You're posting in here, just like other people with transitioning partners are. They can post too with their viewpoint and different experience to you

Oh it's you. Wotcha.

Oh it's you. Wotcha
What?

Well that helped clearing up what you actually meant

Forgot the not on the end of my last post

to Tinsel who has the patience of a saint

I don't think the OP has responded to any of my comments
Not sure if has responded to you directly, but has definitely acknowledged in other posts

Tinsel who has the patience of a saint grin
Seriously, what is this about?.
Are people supposed to bow down?

Tinsel as a trans widow put her view across.
Someone else has too.
Why is another '' trans widow'' with a different perspective less valid?

OP, you are travelling into a family situation where your husband's focus (social, financial, legal and everything else) is going to be on himself, not on you and your children. He won't prioritise you, or the children, in any way. It's going to be all about him.

You therefore have to concentrate on what is best for you and your children, because if he won't, then who will? Remember that support in a family should flow two ways.

‘ DD's friend is a transman with a vagina and is straight. So he is looking for a male life partner who is an actual straight male with a penis but who would also want to be in a relationship with a man. She said her dating choices are vanishingly small and finds the whole thing very depressing.’

I don’t know whether to laugh at how ludicrous this is or cry at how sad a situation to be in.

A heterosexual person with woman’s body would like a long term attached relationship with straight man with penis who wants to be with a man who is actually a woman. Hmm, not many men like that in the first place & also to be looking for a relationship. I get confused.

If the example were say, straight woman who is not into stereotypic feminine thinking, expression & living wants a relationship with straight man with penis who accepts her for who she is & vice versa, then to me that makes complete sense.

It’s the trans rap is where knots are tied.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin, further up you say ‘ a good therapist should be our absolutely first step’.

He needs a good therapist to work with him to sort out where his is at.
You may need a good therapist to help you come through this.

That’s two separate independent therapists.
Not a single therapist as ‘our’ therapist - therein danger lies as you are not in need of a couples/relationship therapist.

Your ever pedantic Auntie

Oh it’s you. Wotcha.

For any one who’s wondering wotcha talking about, Tinsel, here’s the link to the parliamentary select committee evidence.

committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/36734/pdf/

Plenty of mothers haven't given birth. Adoptive mothers, the non-birthing mum in a same-sex couple, some stepmothers. I have two mothers. One of them have birth to me, but the other is just as much my mum.

As people have said, they're all female, and none were previously known as "dad", or provided the sperm that made the child.

@EeeICouldRipATissue

Tinsel who has the patience of a saint grin Seriously, what is this about?. Are people supposed to bow down? Tinsel as a trans widow put her view across. Someone else has too. Why is another '' trans widow'' with a different perspective less valid?

What I meant was perfectly clear.

@EeeICouldRipATissue but you don't match up. For the vast vast majority they are not seen as women they are seen as transexuals. Aside from a small minority They don't look like women. So how does that actually resolve their gender dysphoria? Whether you present as a man or as a transwoman you won't look like a woman so surely it's better for his wife and child that he presents as a man?

When your husband wants to change gender that is a big deal and has an adverse impact on everyone including the children. Many adults put children first in all kinds of areas of their life. Deceiving a woman into marriage if you might be trans is appalling in my view and I saw the same about gay/bi men as well who do not disclose it before getting engaged.

However once people are in this situation eg a woman wanting other lovers (who realises she cannot be faithful to one man as she is very polyamorous) or a man wanting to change gender or whatever it might be obviously there is a right to change things and a right for the other person to divorce so I would put legal issues high on the top of the agenda and see a solicitor.

”MN's wise and experienced transwidows will be able to offer helpful advice on this.”

Yes, and if you actually read the thread the link has already been given several times

I meant transwidows might be able to advise on finding a therapist who didn’t simply ‘affirm’ his wish to change gender. Given the pressure on professionals to toe the genderist line, people might share this information in private messages.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@socialworker222 thank you for sharing your experience. I find a lot of stories on transwidows are centered about finding out and leaving. I'm more interested about the life after. How people treated them after even if separated, how they treated children, what story to tell children. It's nice that your exDH felt accepted and accommodated. How are you now? Did you feel that people felt sorry for you?[/quote]
In response to your questions OP, the impact on us all was entirely negative, financially and emotionally and there was not the happy ending you are seeking. We are all estranged from my ex and my children's lives and mental health have been greatly damaged by his actions and handling of his decision. He took no regard or care for the children's feelings and broke repeated agreements about handling it carefully and sensitively. I'm afraid I can't give you the happy story you explicitly say you want to hear. Those stories are all over mainstream media, but areas like Transwidows document a very different side to the experience. Re-reading your first post, you clearly believe your husband's narrative and feel sorry for him and people in his.position. you have already decided to support him but maybe not stay. People with a less rose-tinted view of this experience are just warning you of the pitfalls. Maybe it will all be rosy and happy for you but it certainly wasn't for me. And yes many people felt very sorry for my children who experienced appalling emotional damage and continue to live with the impact of their father's mid-life crisis to this day. The lack of interest in how children and teens really feel when this doesn't work out, is staggering. So I may have little to offer you beyond warning you gently to explore your legal and financial position just in case you need it... many transwidows experience a rapid change in personality in their partner once the transition juggernaut hits the road. And many find that agreements around respect and boundaries are rapidly ignored as transitioners focus solely and delusionally on themselves. If you want a full range of narratives and lived experience, you can't just attend to the daytime-tv happy-afterwards, love-the-inner-person stories as they are not the full picture I'm afraid. Hence the people on here trying to gently warn women to protect themselves and their children. Sadly this has turned into a side argument about whether trans people are victims and how sorry we should feel for them which was not apparently what you were looking for.

The link posted by Empressaurus reveals that even women’s organisations are directing transwidows to therapists who are trained to ‘re-educate’ them into supporting their husband’s wishes rather than their own needs.
committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/36734/pdf/

@EeeICouldRipATissue

It's very odd when you're a recognised (by a parliamentary select committee!) authority on something, but nobody on a thread wants to listen to you about your actual area of expertise Not sure what this is about?. Is it a form of '' don't you know who I am?! '' Er, no?! With a if so You're posting in here, just like other people with transitioning partners are. They can post too with their viewpoint and different experience to you

Well no, to me, it's not about who tinsel is with that rather insulting phrase. It's about what she knows.

The wealth of knowledge acquired regarding, for instance, the laws around the spousal exit clause, how it's misunderstood due to misrepresentations, etc. The different organisation who claim to support women but often don't. The way manipulation can work - similar to The Script so often invoked on the relationships board.

And, of course, the sheer volume of information garnered from so very many of the women she supports who are facing the same situation as the op.

Which is why her authority is recognised by Parliament. Which also speaks to her credibility. Not just as a transwidow but as one who represents the experiences of many other transwidows.

That's the beauty of mumsnet. Women sharing their knowledge for the benefit of other women, especially when they have so much of it.

@Strugglingwifeofatrans yes. But not as a life partner. I have almost 40 years of supporting a transwoman through their social transition and facial feminisation surgeries. I have even more experience having been the intimate support for another friend who has had many, many operations including the incredibly invasive phalloplasty.

And have written about them a fair few times here. They are the people I get my views on 'being trans' from.

As I said, sometimes you get the oddest of answers from people you might see as being adversarial!

@EeeICouldRipATissue

Why does he think being feminine has anything to do with being a woman? I don't read what you quoted as saying thinks feminine is anything to do with being a woman? Just more like if you are trans you are obviously likely to want to present outwardly the same as you do inside. More to match up, so to speak.

he says he wants to look more feminine more like a woman and others looking at him as a woman

It's literally there.
Yet again, EeeeI, it's the dishonesty I can't abide.

And what's the 'match' you're talking of? You think femininity 'matches' being a woman?
It doesn't.

It looks like the usual suspects are desperate to drag yet another thread into discussing 'what the FWR posters are like' so shall we just skip past that and back to the actual OP's question?