Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

Another though.. according to some people here if he said if you don't want me to transition I won't - it's putting his choice on me a decision that he has to make himself. But then if he said I am transitioning regardless of how you feel - it's being a bad partner and an arsehole. You cannot win.

I can't yet relate to being called a transwidow myself because although maybe the person I love will be gone but yet he's still going to be my child's involved father.. so it's not at all the same for me as being a single mother. I also think I'll still love him and although he'll change he won't be gone for me.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Another though.. according to some people here if he said if you don't want me to transition I won't - it's putting his choice on me a decision that he has to make himself. But then if he said I am transitioning regardless of how you feel - it's being a bad partner and an arsehole. You cannot win.

The fact you think it's important to phrase something in a way so that someone "wins" suggests you're not really engaging with what people are saying.

@socialworker222 thank you for your story, I'm so sorry it happened to you.. I hope your children as they grow would come to terms with this too. I do want to hear stories like yours too. I don't believe in black and white or happy endings it's all life really. What I know is that my husband is a loving and caring man and at the moment he wants what's best for his child and wants to hold off transitioning. But as others have mentioned I should not be delusional and believe that he will be able to "forget about it" and that it's best to go through with it now, separate, etc. I guess for me it's not wise to force any decision and it's best to wait for the perfect moment when you know what you want. Because at the moment I don't and I'm lost.

OP, there's no "right" way to go through this, or anything. You need to do what is best in your situation, for you and your child and your husband, rather than follow a script of what is thought to be correct. You also can't forget to look out for yourself in all this, your mental health matters too.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

I can't yet relate to being called a transwidow myself because although maybe the person I love will be gone but yet he's still going to be my child's involved father.. so it's not at all the same for me as being a single mother. I also think I'll still love him and although he'll change he won't be gone for me.

Most of us start off hoping that we can continue to co-parent. Some of us succeed, some of us like many other divorced women don't, but it's generally not due to our own actions.

We also hope the husband we know won't disappear. They always do. I get the impression you think your circumstances will be different because you are just nicer and more caring than the rest of us?

OP - whilst everyone has their opinions, you are the only person who knows how your relationship works. From what you say it's been bubbling under the surface for some time, and is now coming to a head. It is positive that you are both talking about it as ignoring the issue doesn't make it go away. You obviously love your husband and it is, at the moment, fear of the unknown (probably for the both of you). The best thing you can do is to continue to talk. Every time you think of something, maybe write it down and then set time aside to discuss it. Try and be as honest as possible with him because if you aren't nothing will be resolved. I wish you all the best and hope that wherever this may lead you have a good and happy life.

@MrsSkylerWhite

You sound very kind but honestly, I think you need to focus on yourself and your child now, not on him, and think of your futures.

Thank you. But I think I am focusing on my child, then myself, then my husband.

I feel like most people here think that centering myself means I should split up with him. I don't think my quality of life will get better if I do. We love each other, we have comfort of two incomes in one household, we share childcare we don't have family around to help us, we like each other's company, we have sex, we don't want other partners at least not at the moment, we hoped to grow old together. I don't want to throw the is away. And I don't think it will help my child if we do because it won't make my transitioning husband disappear. I guess if and when I see that his personality has changed and that he doesn't want to be an involved father that's a different story... but for now I don't want to force a separation on myself.

@Strugglingwifeofatrans

It’s great that you can bring your experience the OP needs to see different perspectives. Obviously if it’s your life partner it’s exceedingly traumatic. IME many people are keen to advise you to LTB engage a lawyer and take him (it’s usually a him) to the cleaners. But as the OP clearly shows in her posts she loves her partner, ending their relationship may not at present be the right answer. As I’ve found the person with gender dysphoria often is struggling to make the right decisions for themselves and their partner, the partner is also struggling to make the right decision for themselves and their partner inevitably when it’s your life partner it causes considerable heart break uncertainty and sole searching. It’s hard to make the right decisions especially if the decision is to leave when you love them. Having gender dysphoria is one aspect of a person personality admittedly a big one but they can still be good fathers and caring husband I have many many happy times with my husband we have so many positives in our relationship walking away is an exceedingly painful option.

I agree, I don't see him suddenly becoming a dick. I definitely took on board your advice on not listening to anyone's advice and not trying to then justify your decision and explain it. I think you are a very kind and smart woman. I hope despite the struggle you still find happiness in your day to day life. Life is an adventure isn't it and this experience brought more empathy, decency, respect and kindness out of you, isn't it what life is about.

It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to be furious itg him. It's ok to expect more for yourself. It's mind.o change your mind

@Wanderingowl thank you for your story! It's great that you found happiness and it all turned out for the best. I am not ready to leave yet but that's what I was talking about earlier I don't think it's good to force a decision like that on yourself I think if this is to happen that there will be a moment when I will realize that now I'm ready and better off without.

@Wanderingowl just an afterthought I feel the difference for me also is that you were not happy with the way alcoholism influence the atmosphere inside your home. After separating you made your own home happy and sheltered your child from the effects of alcoholism of their father. In my situation at least at the moment the atmosphere inside our home is happy, it's the outside world that scares me. If I leave that won't change the fact that my child is still going to walk outside holding a hand of a father that looks like a woman.

@bishophaha

Op I know the term "transsexuals" can be useful to distinguish between the more nebulous trans categories but if you continue to use it you risk getting your posts deleted for transphobia, as it's not considered by some to be the correct term.

Thank you! I saw someone else using this term and though it was okay. English is not my first language I didn't mean any disrespect.

@Linguini

he said that he only wants to go through with this if a stay with him. He loves us too much and won't transition if this means I leave

This is emotional blackmail. You surely can't stay with someone this manipulative who has mislead you for so many years.

Not sure how is this blackmailing. We are just two people trying to sort of out conflicts of interest in a way that would be best for everyone involved. He didn't mislead me, he told me many times I didn't want to hear it. In a way he can say the same about me that I mislead him by saying "everything will be fine" when he tells me what he wants.

I don't think centering yourself = splitting up with him necessarily. I do think it means allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel without internally apologising. It also probably means feeling able to talk it through with supportive family or close friends without censoring yourself because you want to control how they see your husband. I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to go public about it etc, but I think it would help you to talk it through in real life with someone you trust - even if its just to vent.

@namitynamechange

Also, if you think people are being hostile on this look up threads where a husband has cheated on his wife/failed to ever unload the dishwasher. I think posters in general tend to focus on the wellbeing of the poster and child over their husband. While that can sometimes lead to some crazyness/projection it isn't surprising (given its MUMSnet) and isnt always a bad thing either. If you get too far into the mindset that you (or anyone else) putting yourself first/thinking about you before your husband = being anti your husband you will struggle down the line

That's not what I meant. What I meant I imagine all of you here being mums that I know personally and that when you hear the news that my husband is transitioning you would stop letting your kids in our house, would not want to see my husband, or be friends with my child anymore.

I agree that not long time ago gay people were treated with similar hostility, and in fact many gay people also had a traumatic experience as children. However modern society agrees that it's not a mental health issue. Irregardless of what made you gay, transsexual or whatever person you are now, whether it's epigenetics, past event, trauma, you can't fix this. You are who you are.

An increasing number of gay and bisexual people are insisting that people stop conflating sexuality with gender identity. They are not the same things. At all. It has already been harmful for people of minority sexualities that this conflation has ever happened. And I don't believe we are even close to seeing the extent of that damage and increased danger that homosexual people and bisexual people in same sex relationships are in because of these two very different things being wrongly connected. So really, and truly, please don't make this comparison.

Tbh, making this comparison is harmful to you too. Who do you think benefits the most from you believing that your husband's gender identity is the same as a minority sexuality? He does. You get trapped into having to be compassionate. In to having to excuse his behaviour. Into having to be a good guy who stands by her poor (wo)man who is just trying to be free to be her real self.

It's not an accident that gender identity has been force teamed with sexuality. On both a societal and individual level, it massively benefits people who want to live as the opposite sex to be thought of as gay.2.0. But they aren't the same and gay people, especially lesbians right now, are having they boundaries, social outlets and means of connection destroyed by it.

We love each other, we have comfort of two incomes in one household, we share childcare we don't have family around to help us, we like each other's company, we have sex, we don't want other partners at least not at the moment

This is very likely to change if your husband goes through therapy, and even more likely if he decides to transition socially and/or medically.

Oh and being gay is not something that needs to be fixed!

@namitynamechange I think you're right. I can't think of anyone in real life who would listen and not try to cohere me into taking a radical decision of leaving or accepting him as he is.. I will get counseling soon to talk over about it.

@TinselAngel it's really good to know that many stories did start like mine and then things changed. It's good for me to know this and to expect this. I don't think my story might be different because I'm kind not at all. I think it might be because the idea of him being a woman doesn't disgust me physically meaning I do see a possibility of staying together. In anyway I am way way behind you and haven't processed this thing at all yet. It's helpful to talk here and to hear what people think. It's really lovely to have this thread and I'm grateful it got the attention of so many. I will read more of the stories of TransWidows soon.

For what its worth, I personally wouldn't stop the children being friends. I will admit, my sympathies would be with the mother (possibly I am just biased towards women, maybe its sexist but I think its normal for men to see the male perspective and women the female) over the father. But I would never be rude or verbally abusive to the father if that's what you are worried about. I don't know what the mums you know personally are like or what the culture where you live is.
One thing that would set alarm bells ringing is the sense of someone constantly apologising for their partner/on the defensive for them. That's only because in my past experience (not T related) its always been a very bad sign. I still wouldn't stop the kids playing together, but might be more cautious about them going to your house- but that would likely be a gut reaction I would have to the general atmosphere (even if I didn't know why the atmosphere was the way it was).

That's not what I meant. What I meant I imagine all of you here being mums that I know personally and that when you hear the news that my husband is transitioning you would stop letting your kids in our house, would not want to see my husband, or be friends with my child anymore.

That's a bit of a how long is a piece of string question.

I'd have the deepest sympathy for you and your kids, this is a seismic shift in all your lives and a particularly tough one that you didn't choose and have limited ability to handle except to tuck and roll. You and your kids would be very welcome as you'd always been.

The issue would be what your DH may as the transition goes on, choose to expose your kids to and anyone in your house to - the exact same boundary I'd have for any parents in any household my kids went into, regardless of their reasons. There are ways that he can do this that take care and regard for others, particularly his kids, and there are ways he can do this that don't. Really that part is going to be wholly in his hands and not yours.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Another though.. according to some people here if he said if you don't want me to transition I won't - it's putting his choice on me a decision that he has to make himself. But then if he said I am transitioning regardless of how you feel - it's being a bad partner and an arsehole. You cannot win.

No you can't - either you are living with a husband who is unhappy and the cause of that lies with you, if you say no to transitioning - there will inevitably be negative feelings of guilt, resentment, feeling trapped etc.

Or

He 'transitions' (whatever that means, whatever form that takes) and you have to adjust to something you didn't sign up for, maybe making compromise that aren't compromises but are actually sacrifices.

By leaving you then become the bad guy as you didn't stand by your man (who wants to be, or at least be seen as, a woman).

I really hate comparing 'gender' or gender identity (or gender dysphoria for that matter) with sexual orientation as I don't see the LGB with the TQ at all - but to use an alternative situation as an example...

Had your husband say he was gay, not Bi or questioning, but gay, and he wanted to have an open marriage where he had sex with men, he didn't find you physically attractive, but he loved you, loved your life together, thought of you as a best friend and thought your were a fantastic mother and that you had a great family and set up...you could maintain - as Stephanie Schofield has - living together as man and wife but not having a sexual relationship, he could stay in the home, your son would know him as Dad and still have all you have now, two incomes, shared childcare etc.

But he would go out and have another life that didn't involve you. Could you imagine yourself in that situation to not be jealous, be fulfilled in your marriage, to not have sex, not have any resentment build etc.

It's not a perfect example, but it's comparable in that it would be a situation you didn't sign up for and it it your partner seeking to change things, not you.

the idea of him being a woman doesn't disgust me physically

He won't be a woman though.

That's not what I meant. What I meant I imagine all of you here being mums that I know personally and that when you hear the news that my husband is transitioning you would stop letting your kids in our house, would not want to see my husband, or be friends with my child anymore.

I think this outcome is very unlikely. I've never heard of it being the case.