Critic my Letter to DD school regards LGBT club

[Sickoffamilydrama]

I've just found out that our 12 year old autistic DD has been attending a lunch time LGBT club and now tells me she is bisexual, (apparently she needs choose what she is) & suddenly obsessively drawing flags on everything including herself.

She has been exhibiting worsening ticks like pulling her hair really tight and lip licking until above her mouth is sore & finger sucking.

She suddenly has a friend who identifies as a boy as well (I don't care if our daughter is straight, gay or whatever) but I'm worried what has been discussed, she's 12 hasn't gone through puberty yet and shows limited comprehension regarding relationships, she doesn't need to worry about this, or be considering any kind of sexual relationship.

This has left her confused and clearly anxious, I'm beyond livid to see her distress especially as the school are not doing much about her being massively behind and clearly academically struggling.

So help me by looking at the draft wording for a letter to the head of year and the safe guarding lead.

Dear
I writing to you to raise my concerns regarding the school's lunch time LGBT club, which my daughter informs me is open to children in all year groups. Whilst it is admirable the school wish to support pupils, it is inappropriate that sexuality is discussed in a mixed age group.

My daughter who is autistic and vulnerable has recently been attending with her friend, this has left her confused and anxious with her exhibiting increased ticks, some of which are boarding on harmfull.
She tells me that she now needs to choose what sexuality she is and has become anxious she doesn't have a boyfriend or particularly have any sexual feelings towards boys, this has led her to become very distressed culminating in her deciding she must be bisexual. Even though she feels no attraction to girls. She has then obsessively been drawing flags on herself and with her notebooks.

Prior to attending the LGBT club she had never exhibited any of this anxiety around her sexuality, rightly so as she is 12 years old and still in the very early stages of puberty, therefore she should not be considering sex.

I am unclear what is discussed at this club but the mixed age group is clearly a safeguarding issue a 16/17/18 year old should never be talking to a 12 year old about sex or sexuality these age groups have quite different needs and comprehension. This massive difference between young and older teens is recognised in PHSE guidance hence why children are given age appropriate information. They also appears to be no pastoral or any other kind of support attached to this club which is present when PHSE is taught as part of the curriculum, neither was I aware of this club or my daughter attending it until she suddenly became distressed.

There also appears to have been no consideration for children like my daughter who have a disability that disadvantages her compared to her peers.The difficulties in understanding intentions, missing social subtleties, limited peer interactions and often lower emotional age, means that children with autism require more support or they risk misunderstand important information regarding sex and relationships.

I await your response on this matter.

Not sure if I should put less about the distress and confusion she's been exhibiting. Once this letter had gone I'll be raising the stonewall & mermaids links they have on their LGBT web page using safe school alliance templates/advice.

Ignore the typos I will be checking it prior to sending.

So sorry your daughter is feeling anxious and disturbed. I think your point about mixed age groups, differing levels of appropriateness, and lack of guidance are excellent and clearly made. I personally don’t think you’ve spoken too much about her distress.

This section: “ she is 12 years old and still in the very early stages of puberty, therefore she should not be considering sex.”

• I wouldn’t say “should not be considering sex” as plenty of 12 year olds do think about it, or at least have boy/girlfriends. The school might read that as you thinking all sex education is inappropriate for 12 year olds, and that no 12 year old should even be thinking about relationships, and might dismiss your other v good points. Perhaps slightly rephrase to:

“ she is 12 years old and still in the very early stages of puberty, and this unsupervised, mixed age group has made her very anxious about a topic which she had previously not considered, and which she personally is not mature enough yet to appreciate.”

It's brilliantly written, well done

Thanks Talipesmum good point as I do want her to have appropriate sex education. Just don't want her to be spiralled into anxiety.

I wonder if there's some way of getting across that it is the fact she now feels she has to make a decision and that she doesn't have the emotional or sexual maturity to make that decision yet, today's really annoyed me. She fixated that she must meet X criteria to be X so if she doesn't then she must be Y.

I've probably already actually said that though in a different way.

Thanks floppybit I want feeling that confident in it. Compared to some of MN correspondence I've seen.

I’d add something about this feels less like a support group and more like my daughter is being provided psychology support and counseling from people who are completely unqualified. She is seeing / waitlisted to see a qualified psychologist / under professional medical care for her conditions and I’m concerned about the harm people who are not professionals specialising in her conditions may do, having neither sufficient knowledge, training or the commitments to safe clinical practice I can expect from her medical experts. I have not provided any consent for such sessions.

I’m trying to hint at if you inflict psychological harm on my child you may expect lawsuits!!

Great point timeisnotaline and true of all the children attending this club.

She tells me that she now needs to choose what sexuality she is and has become anxious she doesn't have a boyfriend or particularly have any sexual feelings towards boys, this has led her to become very distressed culminating in her deciding she must be bisexual. Even though she feels no attraction to girls.

This point concerns me - it sounds like they haven’t covered the possibility of her simply not having reached the stage of adolescence where her sexuality becomes apparent. Or, possibly, that some people are asexual. If they are going to be discussing things so openly, they should presumably consider both of these possibilities. Everyone develops at different rates. Your child sounds like they would benefit from taking a step back from this “club”.

In any case, we don’t “choose” our sexuality. It becomes apparent over time. The pressure being put on your child by this group is irresponsible & poorly thought out.

Its very well written. Two minor comments:

• Its bordering on not boarding on.
• I also would revise the statement 'she is 12 years old and still in the very early stages of puberty, therefore she should not be considering sex'. I think this sounds judgemental about what's right and proper at a particular age and focusing sexuality on sex when really young people can feel attraction without yet having an interest in sex. Some young people at 11 or 12 do experience a sense of attraction to people of the other or same sex. This is perfectly normal and natural. Others do not and that's fine too.

So I'd re-word it to say something along the lines that no one should be expected to label themselves or express who they are attracted to if they don't want to or feel ready to. However, I think this does give rise to further questions which you might sensitively share with DD. Why is she attending this group then if she has no interest in sexual identity? Is it because she just wants to go to a club? Why this one and not others?

Rather than a letter , would a face to face appointment with an appropriate staff member be more productive ?

It sounds like this group is putting unnecessary pressure on her.

I agree with Bouledeneige about the wider question of why she is attending this club. When I was a similar age, we attended a lunchtime sign language course and when it ended, one of my friends arranged to keep it going as a club.

It allowed us to spend those lunchtimes having our packed lunch in a classroom in a small group of friends. My friend would do some BSL with us and teach anyone new who popped along, but mainly it was a refuge from the noisy main lunch hall and less pleasant social interactions. Had my friend been interested in anything else that was quiet and indoors, I probably would have followed her to that too.

I'm wondering if your daughter is just needing somewhere to be at lunchtime with a friendly face and this is her current solution. But it comes with the problem of needing to pick a label to be a member.

Maybe there are other lunchtime options?

Your letter is very good esp talking about safeguarding, that topic and mixed aged groups and about her needs, understanding and distress.

I agree with altering the bit about 12 and sex to something that just offers the suggestion that she maybe hasn't reached that stage of development yet.

It's a brilliant letter and even if you do meet in person, sending the letter means there's a written record. Yes include the distress it's caused.

As a follow up you could push (FOI) to find out exactly what lobby group materials were used, what identities were 'taught', who the adults involved were and whether the local authority/council were involved.

Resources at the bottom of this Transgender Trend page include template letters and the harm caused by teaching gender identity, especially on girls. www.transgendertrend.com/schools-resources/

This SSA red flags PDF could be a useful thing to share with the headteacher safeschoolsallianceuk.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/redflagsa4.pdf

You say a lot about it’s unclear what’s discussed etc- but presumably you don’t know what’s discussed other than what your dd tells you.

I’d be asking what is discussed. What plan do they have in place to cover topics or address questions brought up. Do they keep records of this- for safeguarding they should be- and how do they safeguard children who attend this club. How do they cater for the vastly different needs of an 11 year old girl and an 18 year old boy. For kids disability needs. Which member of staff is accountable for this club and what extra training did they have and by which organisations.

You need to know this stuff to be able to address all the possible problems- re mermaids etc. But you need to know all this first.

Good god - in my day of a 12 year old announced to a teacher that they were gay or bi they’d hit the big red safeguarding button.

As with business letters - I’d out exactly when I’d want a response and how (call, email etc).

I would also CC the Head teacher. They can’t pretend this isn’t happening. Would her friends parents also be minded to write with their concerns?

Thanks all for the input those asking she told me she was attending because her friend does, for my DD making and keeping friends is harder than an NT child her age.

I know there's very little indoor spots they can sit down to eat as my eldest had complained about having to sit outside in the rain. So an indoor club is probably inviting.

The club is run by a gay male teacher so the school know it exists.

I am doing the letter as I want a written record I have already phoned and spoke to them about an older boy/man pulling DD hair and so far have heard nothing (I will be chasing that up).

The thing that pisses me off the most is they have put the time and resources into this yet, when the autism specialist I've paid for came in to assess her for her EHCP the school told her they don't think she needs extra support, she has a reading age of 8, 4 years ago before Covid she was a year behind now she is most definitely well behind her standardised scores are teetering at the bottom of normal if this carries on she won't be able to access a lot of the curriculum or adult life.

I don’t think I’ve anything to add as far as the letter goes (other than that I hate you’re having to send it but am glad for your DD you’re being so proactive) but as regards her tics/stimming does she have any existing non-harmful stims she might be able to use/divert to instead?
• With the finger-sucking, would she use something like a chewbuddy or any of the huge range suggested here (using sweets/gum as also suggested creates a whole host of other issues obviously).
• Do you know if she pulls her hair more/less if it’s up/down/tied a certain way? Can she express if the feeling is soothing because of the sensation in her head, or is she wrapping the hair round her fingers as she pulls & seeking that sensory feedback (or indeed both)? It can be really hard to break patterns of behaviour you’re not always really aware of until you find yourself at the end-point of the hairpull or with someone pointing out you are sucking your fingers/thumb. Trying to “learn” a new thing when you’re totally calm can sometimes help though - if you get your brain used to the idea that, say, stroking your hair will feel nice & stop everything being so overwhelming, it can - for some people, at least - help by providing another option when hand automatically goes for hair.
• As for the lip-licker’s dermatitis, you don’t mention if she’s had it before, but just in case it’s new, you might need to be prepared to write the school a note saying your DD has to use lipbalm throughout the day. Ideally she’d be able to apply emollient cream at some point during the school day but that would really require a co-operative school nurse - even if you sent your DD in with “doses” in wee travel pots, she’d need to wash her hands before applying it & trying to do so in school toilets sounds horrendous. If she gets eczema elsewhere or is prone to urticaria or dermatitis being ready with the hydrocortisone cream is extra important because it increases the chance of preventing it getting infected.

Really hope that things improve quickly. If you’ve not any kind of list/calendar of extra-curricular activities the school run could you request one; & then over the Christmas Holidays help her to plan trying out some that reflect her actual interests? (With an emphasis on just trying them - did she think that if she started going to a club she had to keep going? Was it ever the case with eg swimming lessons that she had to finish the term, leading to her understanding it to be A Rule that if you join you have stay for [at least] a term?) Have you had much contact with the SENCO/do they seem much good? It does seem as if they need to be keeping a much closer eye on things - I know girls are INCREDIBLE at masking at school then letting it all out at home, but if she’s not had some behavioural changes in school I’d be astonished; and the lip-licking is unmissable. A more joined-up approach is clearly needed. (And yes I’m very aware that teachers are insanely overloaded, but being given guidance over how best to support Sickoffamilydrama’s DD, including when to contact the SENCO, would actually be helpful?)

(I’m really sorry if you know all this already & my attempt to help is thus just irritating. It was the only help I had to offer though.)

Does your DD have any SEND support? I would also be asking what other lunchtime clubs she attends? How this club fits into her general pattern of social groups? This is age when the isolation of SEND kids becomes cruelly apparent at times, they are the ones with TAs, other kids suddenly v aware that being cool or in the right group matters more than being inclusive of disability. This kind of club will obviously demonstrate inclusivity as a mantra so it may be that she goes because it is the only lunchtime activity that accepts her. That says a very great deal about an ideal that is only practised in one area and that is a problem both because everywhere else isn’t and because of what is being discussed and who it is being discussed by.
I could see how my DD would have been happy to have been in any club that would have accepted her because she was excluded from everything ‘normal’ in the school

I would absolutely send a letter and ask for a written response before any face to face meeting, so you’ve got something in writing.

"Tics", not "ticks" - in case spellchecker doesn't pick it up

Thanks RedCarpetRebellion good point, I've spotted they have mermaids and stonewall on their LGBT page.

Good god - in my day of a 12 year old announced to a teacher that they were gay or bi they’d hit the big red safeguarding button.
Yep especially a girl like my DD who is very naive, won't walk to school alone or in fact doesn't have the executive function to shower herself properly.
I know teens have sexual feelings at different ages and can at 12 but she has not shown any sign at all of this part of her development yet until this club. I'm very happy for her to explore her sexuality but in a safe age appropriate way. This feels like indoctrination.

In case anyone asks with DD I've kept it bright and breezy not made a big deal about it and just keeping the lines of communication open (not that she usually communicates with us about emotional things anyway, she only talks about a few topics usually slime).
Her elder sister is worried though and tells me mum she's being obsessive about it, like she does at times with other things. She often gets caught in what can only be described as an obsessive loop.

Thanks Nitronine the hair pulling or ponytail pulling she basically tightens her ponytail to the extreme and has started to wear an extra hairband I think to make it tighter this is new since starting secondary but has escalated in the last few weeks.
I've been plaiting her hair just to see if I can help her break the habit.

The lip licking and finger sucking has been going in for years and worsens when she is anxious.

She is from what I gather getting no practical SEN support lanadelgrey a good thing regards to Covid and home schooling we noticed how much she was struggling to access the primary curriculum all her reports and parents evening we'd been told she is getting all the support she can and she is a lovely well behaved pupil a joy to teach. In other words I now realise she sits quietly in a corner and gets on with it. So we applied for an EHCP assessment without the schools support and the local authority have agreed to assess her.
& You've nailed it in one about what I think happens with SEN children.

It is a good letter, especially with the raising of safeguarding. However "I await your response on this matter" is too passive. Tell them what outcome you want.