Critic my Letter to DD school regards LGBT club

[Sickoffamilydrama]

I've just found out that our 12 year old autistic DD has been attending a lunch time LGBT club and now tells me she is bisexual, (apparently she needs choose what she is) & suddenly obsessively drawing flags on everything including herself.

She has been exhibiting worsening ticks like pulling her hair really tight and lip licking until above her mouth is sore & finger sucking.

She suddenly has a friend who identifies as a boy as well (I don't care if our daughter is straight, gay or whatever) but I'm worried what has been discussed, she's 12 hasn't gone through puberty yet and shows limited comprehension regarding relationships, she doesn't need to worry about this, or be considering any kind of sexual relationship.

This has left her confused and clearly anxious, I'm beyond livid to see her distress especially as the school are not doing much about her being massively behind and clearly academically struggling.

So help me by looking at the draft wording for a letter to the head of year and the safe guarding lead.

Dear
I writing to you to raise my concerns regarding the school's lunch time LGBT club, which my daughter informs me is open to children in all year groups. Whilst it is admirable the school wish to support pupils, it is inappropriate that sexuality is discussed in a mixed age group.

My daughter who is autistic and vulnerable has recently been attending with her friend, this has left her confused and anxious with her exhibiting increased ticks, some of which are boarding on harmfull.
She tells me that she now needs to choose what sexuality she is and has become anxious she doesn't have a boyfriend or particularly have any sexual feelings towards boys, this has led her to become very distressed culminating in her deciding she must be bisexual. Even though she feels no attraction to girls. She has then obsessively been drawing flags on herself and with her notebooks.

Prior to attending the LGBT club she had never exhibited any of this anxiety around her sexuality, rightly so as she is 12 years old and still in the very early stages of puberty, therefore she should not be considering sex.

I am unclear what is discussed at this club but the mixed age group is clearly a safeguarding issue a 16/17/18 year old should never be talking to a 12 year old about sex or sexuality these age groups have quite different needs and comprehension. This massive difference between young and older teens is recognised in PHSE guidance hence why children are given age appropriate information. They also appears to be no pastoral or any other kind of support attached to this club which is present when PHSE is taught as part of the curriculum, neither was I aware of this club or my daughter attending it until she suddenly became distressed.

There also appears to have been no consideration for children like my daughter who have a disability that disadvantages her compared to her peers.The difficulties in understanding intentions, missing social subtleties, limited peer interactions and often lower emotional age, means that children with autism require more support or they risk misunderstand important information regarding sex and relationships.

I await your response on this matter.

Not sure if I should put less about the distress and confusion she's been exhibiting. Once this letter had gone I'll be raising the stonewall & mermaids links they have on their LGBT web page using safe school alliance templates/advice.

@Sickoffamilydrama

Thanks all for the input those asking she told me she was attending because her friend does, for my DD making and keeping friends is harder than an NT child her age.

I know there's very little indoor spots they can sit down to eat as my eldest had complained about having to sit outside in the rain. So an indoor club is probably inviting.

The club is run by a gay male teacher so the school know it exists.

I am doing the letter as I want a written record I have already phoned and spoke to them about an older boy/man pulling DD hair and so far have heard nothing (I will be chasing that up).

The thing that pisses me off the most is they have put the time and resources into this yet, when the autism specialist I've paid for came in to assess her for her EHCP the school told her they don't think she needs extra support, she has a reading age of 8, 4 years ago before Covid she was a year behind now she is most definitely well behind her standardised scores are teetering at the bottom of normal if this carries on she won't be able to access a lot of the curriculum or adult life.

Why do the kids know the teacher is gay?

If it’s because he’s mentioned a husband or long term boyfriend in passing that’s one thing, the same way they know a teacher has a wife or husband etc.

But no teacher should be announcing their sexuality to children or discussing their sexuality with kids.

I’d be finding out how the kids know he’s gay and addressing the above if necessary.

@senua

It is a good letter, especially with the raising of safeguarding. However "I await your response on this matter" is too passive. Tell them what outcome you want.

And by when, end of week etc

Agree with Senua - I'd add a paragraph at the end to suggest your preferred outcome - you want to review the material taught at the club / you want to meet the teacher who runs it to discuss your daughter's specific needs / you want to withdraw her from the club etc. Whatever outcome you want, make it clear and ask for it specifically.

@Sickoffamilydrama We are in same position as you and drafting similar letter!

Am also going along lines if what @timeisnotaline has suggested. No-one at school is suitably qualified to counsel your daughter about this, plus there is a huge glaring safeguarding issue (and hence a legal issue) if there are pupils above and very much below age of consent in the group - vast range of emotional and intellectual stages; potential for accusations of grooming.

Look at Safe Schools Alliance, and Genspect website has a recent webinar on ROGD (rapid onset gender dysphoria) you might find useful. Also Transgender Trend have their finger on the pulse.

I think it's a very good letter and am sorry it's been necessary for you to write it. Our schools are so messed up thanks to Stonewall and Mermaids!

One point: the mixed-age thing is a very important point but are you certain that pupils up to Y13 are attending this group? Could you perhaps get your older DD to verify that if she's at the same school?

@Sickoffamilydrama Basically, the advice is now, overwhelmingly, to provide a neutral environment in school, and any issues with your daughter's feelings and conflict about her own identity are legally for you to be informed of, assess and seek proper professional support - that is your parental right, in law. School cannot divest you of that right.

I know exactly how tough this is and how it will have potentially placed a wedge between yourself and your DD - welcome to pm me if you want to chat.

@TheOccupier Ours is run by sixth form :/

I'm really sorry your daughter is having a tough time, OP. for you and her.

Your letter sounds good to me, and lots of good advice.

If she's looking for guidance, support etc in this area, I wonder if a female wouldn't suit her better than a male teacher, in this situation, going forward? Perhaps the club could find extra staff to support pupils, so it's not all one person with one outlook? If the club is discussing these issues then I would have imagined having both male and female teachers present would be desirable.

My son's friend was in a similar position in y7.
He is 3 years older now and does not attend or id as lgbt anymore.
I think for pre puberty, autistic children this club is a draw (belonging) but inappropriate.
I think the safeguarding element is very important.

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@TheOccupier Ours is run by sixth form :/[/quote]
By a 6th form pupil? No teacher supervisor?

That’s a serious safeguarding issue & a call to ofsted imho

It’s good. Personally I would add a summary paragraph at the end, for example:
“To be clear, a school organised event is on school premises is providing unsupervised sex education by unqualified teenagers to a pre-puberty child who has special needs, and this has had and is having a negative effect in her mental health. The safeguarding and duty of care breaches are obvious. Please explain what steps the school is going to take to safeguard my child. Please consider this letter a formal complaint and note that I will be raising this very serious issue with the governers and Ofsted.”

That is a brilliant addition by Skysblue, I would be furious if this was happening to my child. What on earth are the school thinking?

Adults - be they 18 year old 6th formers or especially teachers, are surely on very shaky ground when discussing sexuality with minors outside of a PHSE lesson. At what point does it become essentially grooming?

Does the schools insurance cover them having 6th formers untrained in safeguarding running this group?

You might want to add some context to her attending - that she's not there because she's a NT teen questioning net sexuality, but because it is the only she can keep warm at lunchtime and it provides her with a sense of belonging as the school does not support ND children suitably.

thanks titchy I'll add context i think she was attending because her friend is and its a warm spot.

Just drafting it now.

Also just looking at private schools, we can't really afford them and having been to private school myself I'd much rather my kids went to good state schools but there's something to be said for schools with more parental input and academic support.

I agree with all your points but I think the overall tone is quite aggressive and it might be better to tone down slightly. I also think that you need to explain 'tics' because most teachers won't know what they are, and certainly won't know what your DD is doing that counts as a tic.

"Dear
I writing to you to raise my concerns regarding the school's lunch time LGBT club, which my daughter informs me is open to children in all year groups. Whilst it is admirable the school wish to support pupils, I am concerned that sexuality is discussed in a mixed age group, as 16/17/18 year old have quite different needs and comprehension to a 12 year old. This massive difference between young and older teens is recognised in PHSE guidance hence why children are given age appropriate information.

My daughter, who is autistic and vulnerable, has recently been attending with her friend. She has become confused and anxious with her exhibiting increased tics, such as hair pulling and lip sucking.

She tells me that she now needs to choose what sexuality she is and has become anxious that she doesn't have a boyfriend or particularly have any sexual feelings towards boys. This has led her to become very distressed, culminating in her deciding she must be bisexual, despite feelingp no attraction to girls. She has then obsessively been drawing flags on herself and with her notebooks.

Prior to attending the LGBT club she had never exhibited any of this anxiety around her sexuality. She is 12 years old and still in the very early stages of puberty, therefore she should not need to be anxious about establishing her sexuality.

I am also concerned that there appears to be no pastoral or any other kind of support attached to this club which is present when PHSE is taught as part of the curriculum, neither was I aware of this club or my daughter attending it until she suddenly became distressed.

There also appears to have been no consideration for children like my daughter who have a disability that disadvantages her compared to her peers.The difficulties in understanding intentions, missing social subtleties, limited peer interactions and often lower emotional age, means that children with autism require more support or they risk misunderstand important information regarding sex and relationships.

Please contact me regarding this matter, as I am very concerned for my daughter's welfare."

Choose private schools very carefully. Anecdotally, hearing from friends and acquaintances, they can be very poor at provision for SEN. And a belief in gender ideology is often rife amongst privileged youngsters. My local private girls' school is proudly climbing up the Stonewall accreditation ladder, despite Stonewall being against single sex anything.

You've got lots of good comments, but I agree you could make more of this.

wonder if there's some way of getting across that it is the fact she now feels she has to make a decision and that she doesn't have the emotional or sexual maturity to make that decision yet, today's really annoyed me. She fixated that she must meet X criteria to be X so if she doesn't then she must be Y

You could explain that the prominence given to labels, categories and flags by the club is harmful to her because of the way she has taken this on board. In other areas of life schools are against labelling people. But here they are very keen on categorising and pogeonholing. This might have come across to her as 'choose your label to be admitted to your new tribe, you get your own flag'. But its not appropriate because its pushing her to make a decision about her own sexuality and to declare it, when she's too young.

They should think about this for all the children.

It's a very odd youth movement. It involves alot much more admin and cataloguing than grunge ever did.

Agree with others saying be clear what response you want. Easier said than done! Good luck.

Op sorry to come late to the party but can I add some suggestions please:

• I think you need to clarify in the beginning your daughter is autistic and 12 and prepubescent. Its better in communications to add the context up top so you make sure people don't miss it.
• I think I would flip it around a bit - rather than say you are concerned about the club first - say you are concerned about your daughter first and then say you think its linked to the club. The way you have written it if they disagree with you about the club they will maybe not pay as much attention to what you have written later about your daughter.

Dear ?
I have a safe guarding concern about my autistic daughter who is 12. She is showing signs of severe distress such as XXXX.

I believe that this in linked to her attendance of the XXX club where XXX and she is being exposed to conversations with sexual content that she does not understand.

She has not started puberty and does not have the emotional and mental ability yet to comprehend what is discussed at the meeting and put it in context and this is leading her to feeling distressed. For example she was apparently asked to choose what XXX she was but because she doesn't XXX she has concluded she is bisexual but she does not understand what this means and it is leading to her feeling confused and distressed.

A broader picture is her motivations for attending the club which I think are XX and that this need would be better suited by involving her in XXX.

Hi Sickoffamilydrama
I hope you don't mind I am being cheeky and I took your letter and restacked it.
You did a great letter, it is just that I like to frame the paragraphs as questions and "action points" for the school.

Dear

My daughter, [ add her name to make it personal to her and you] has just informed me she is attending a lunch time school LGBT club. She is 12 years old and still in the early stages of puberty, and is also autistic. [

Thank you everyone so I have taken a bit of everyone's suggestions and tweaked plagiarised
I'm going to sit on it for a few hours and come back to it with fresh eyes before sending it today. I'll add in her name to personalise it hopefully its now assertive rather than aggressive although in a way I do not care, how dare they barely support her SEN setting her up to fail and struggle probably through out her life. Then confuse her like this

Dear
I have a safeguarding concern about my daughter…she is 12 years old, still in the early stages of puberty, is autistic and has other SEN needs that can affect her comprehension. She is showing signs of severe distress exhibiting increased physically harmful tics, such as extreme hair pulling and lip sucking.
I believe that this in linked to her attendance of the LGBT lunch time club where she is being exposed to conversations with sexual content that she does not understand.
She has not started puberty and does not have the emotional and mental ability yet to comprehend what is discussed at the meeting and put it in context and this is leading her to feeling distressed. For example, she was apparently asked to choose what sexuality and gender she is.
She doesn’t currently have a boyfriend or have any sexual feelings towards boys or girls. I feel that this is not unusual for her age group or her development level, however this has led her to become very distressed culminating in her concluding she must be bisexual, on discussion she does not understand what this means. I am concerned as she has now obsessively been drawing sexual preference flags on herself and with her notebooks. I am concerned that this may be misread by people she encounters. Prior to attending the LGBT club, she had never exhibited any of this anxiety around her sexuality.
A broader picture is her motivations for attending the club which I think are because her friend attends the club, plus it is a warm dry place at lunchtime, and it provides her with a sense of belonging. She's not there because she's a neurotypical teen questioning her sexuality and that this need would be better suited by involving her in an art or cookery club.
My daughter informs me that the club, is open to children in all year groups. Whilst it is admirable the school wish to support pupils, it is inappropriate that sexuality is discussed in a mixed age group.
Please explain what is discussed at this club:
1.What plan do you have in place to cover topics or address questions brought up?
2. Do you keep records of interactions with the club and any questions raised?
3. How do you safeguard children who attend this club?
4. How do you cater for the vastly different needs of an 11-year-old girl and an 18-year-old boy?
5. Children with autism require more support or they risk misunderstand important information regarding sex and relationships. Can you confirm how the Club provides the additional level of pastoral care to support her additional needs??
6. Which member of staff is accountable for this club and what extra training did they have and by which organisations?
7. Why have parents not been informed about this club or their children’s attendance, I only became aware of it after my daughter became distressed.
The mixed age group is clearly a safeguarding issue a 16/17/18-year-old should never be talking to a 12-year-old about sex or sexuality these age groups have quite different needs and comprehension. This massive difference between young and older teens is recognised in PHSE guidance hence why children are given age-appropriate information.
There also appears to have been no consideration for children like my daughter who have a disability that disadvantages her compared to her peers. The difficulties in understanding intentions, missing social subtleties, limited peer interactions and often lower emotional age, means that children with autism require more support or they risk misunderstand important information regarding sex and relationships.
This club feels less like a support group and more like my daughter is being provided psychology support and counselling from people who are completely unqualified. She is waiting to see a qualified psychologist and already has specialised support for her autism, I’m concerned about the harm people who are not professionals specialising in her conditions may do, having neither sufficient knowledge, training, or the commitments to safe clinical practice I can expect from her medical experts. I have not provided any consent for such sessions.
To be clear, a school organised event is on school premises is providing unsupervised sex education by unqualified teenagers to a pre-puberty child who has special needs, and this has had and is having a negative effect in her mental health. The safeguarding and duty of care breaches are obvious. Please explain what steps the school is going to take to safeguard my child. Please consider this letter a formal complaint and note that I will be raising this very serious issue with the governors and Ofsted.

Please respond to this letter by the end of the week.

Great job. Let us know how it goes.

I think it’s a great letter and sorry you are in this situation. Be aware that OFSTED are big on peer-on-peer sexual abuse after Everyone’s Invited, so asking how they safeguard children from inappropriate sexual conversations by their peers at this club might be fruitful.

I think your letter is great, but two bits of information might be useful to have up your sleeve.

One is that neurodiverse children often become sexually interested in others later than average, usually about two years later. Which I think is relevant here.

The other is that children with ASD are often looking for ways to explain their differences and gender non-conformity can seem like an answer rather than another problem.