Critic my Letter to DD school regards LGBT club

[Sickoffamilydrama]

I've just found out that our 12 year old autistic DD has been attending a lunch time LGBT club and now tells me she is bisexual, (apparently she needs choose what she is) & suddenly obsessively drawing flags on everything including herself.

She has been exhibiting worsening ticks like pulling her hair really tight and lip licking until above her mouth is sore & finger sucking.

She suddenly has a friend who identifies as a boy as well (I don't care if our daughter is straight, gay or whatever) but I'm worried what has been discussed, she's 12 hasn't gone through puberty yet and shows limited comprehension regarding relationships, she doesn't need to worry about this, or be considering any kind of sexual relationship.

This has left her confused and clearly anxious, I'm beyond livid to see her distress especially as the school are not doing much about her being massively behind and clearly academically struggling.

So help me by looking at the draft wording for a letter to the head of year and the safe guarding lead.

Dear
I writing to you to raise my concerns regarding the school's lunch time LGBT club, which my daughter informs me is open to children in all year groups. Whilst it is admirable the school wish to support pupils, it is inappropriate that sexuality is discussed in a mixed age group.

My daughter who is autistic and vulnerable has recently been attending with her friend, this has left her confused and anxious with her exhibiting increased ticks, some of which are boarding on harmfull.
She tells me that she now needs to choose what sexuality she is and has become anxious she doesn't have a boyfriend or particularly have any sexual feelings towards boys, this has led her to become very distressed culminating in her deciding she must be bisexual. Even though she feels no attraction to girls. She has then obsessively been drawing flags on herself and with her notebooks.

Prior to attending the LGBT club she had never exhibited any of this anxiety around her sexuality, rightly so as she is 12 years old and still in the very early stages of puberty, therefore she should not be considering sex.

I am unclear what is discussed at this club but the mixed age group is clearly a safeguarding issue a 16/17/18 year old should never be talking to a 12 year old about sex or sexuality these age groups have quite different needs and comprehension. This massive difference between young and older teens is recognised in PHSE guidance hence why children are given age appropriate information. They also appears to be no pastoral or any other kind of support attached to this club which is present when PHSE is taught as part of the curriculum, neither was I aware of this club or my daughter attending it until she suddenly became distressed.

There also appears to have been no consideration for children like my daughter who have a disability that disadvantages her compared to her peers.The difficulties in understanding intentions, missing social subtleties, limited peer interactions and often lower emotional age, means that children with autism require more support or they risk misunderstand important information regarding sex and relationships.

I await your response on this matter.

Not sure if I should put less about the distress and confusion she's been exhibiting. Once this letter had gone I'll be raising the stonewall & mermaids links they have on their LGBT web page using safe school alliance templates/advice.

@DazzlePaintedBattlePants

I think it’s a great letter and sorry you are in this situation. Be aware that OFSTED are big on peer-on-peer sexual abuse after Everyone’s Invited, so asking how they safeguard children from inappropriate sexual conversations by their peers at this club might be fruitful.

And that ofsteds own report says 9/10 perpetrators are male and 8/10 victims are girls.

School have to safeguard girls against boys. The pshe DfE guidance says they must teach girls to have boundaries and KCSE says they must teach children about safeguarding.

This club appears to ignore all of the above if mixing all ages groups and both sexes to discuss pshe topics.

@wiltonian

I think your letter is great, but two bits of information might be useful to have up your sleeve.

One is that neurodiverse children often become sexually interested in others later than average, usually about two years later. Which I think is relevant here.

The other is that children with ASD are often looking for ways to explain their differences and gender non-conformity can seem like an answer rather than another problem.

Gender non conformity isn’t a problem.

The problem is suggesting that gnc means the child is the opposite sex. Which pshe DfE guidance is clear must never be something any school teaches and they must never use resources from any organisation that teaches this- even if the resources they use don’t teach this.

Well done OP. The safeguarding implications of this are horrendous. There's a lack of protection for both students and staff in having unsupervised (as in the professional sense) mixed age meetings in schools discussing sexuality. It leaves the adult/ older students open to allegations of grooming. What on earth are they thinking?

Do make sure that you get all responses in writing and if you get a phone call (to try to make you go away) I'd insist on a face to face meeting with you taking notes or a letter of response.

I'd also ask for a copy of the school's complaints procedure as that's where this needs to go.

It's a very odd youth movement. It involves alot much more admin and cataloguing than grunge ever did.

I 💜 this comment

In all seriousness, I find it dodgy that teens are encouraged to label their sexuality by an adult-driven movement before they've even had sexual encounters. Why is a label needed at this point? Who benefits? Why can't teens own their own emerging sexuality and sexual exploration?

Excellent letter OP.

@PaleGreenGhost

It's a very odd youth movement. It involves alot much more admin and cataloguing than grunge ever did.

I 💜 this comment

In all seriousness, I find it dodgy that teens are encouraged to label their sexuality by an adult-driven movement before they've even had sexual encounters. Why is a label needed at this point? Who benefits? Why can't teens own their own emerging sexuality and sexual exploration?

Exactly - they should be.

But social media and the influence of lobby groups very deep throughout social institutions including schools, means that unhelpful influence is everywhere, when they should be afforded a neutral environment to find out who they truly are.

Yes, that really is an excellent letter. I'm so shocked you've had to write it! How incredibly irresponsible of the school.

@PaleGreenGhost

It's a very odd youth movement. It involves alot much more admin and cataloguing than grunge ever did.

I 💜 this comment

In all seriousness, I find it dodgy that teens are encouraged to label their sexuality by an adult-driven movement before they've even had sexual encounters. Why is a label needed at this point? Who benefits? Why can't teens own their own emerging sexuality and sexual exploration?

Exactly the sexuality I have now as an adult is very different to that of a teen. We should be more comfortable about this and teen sexuality in general. I struggle to understand why parents and society try to control older teens (which has never been successful even though its been tried over hundreds of years) when it comes to sex it's biologically normal and appropriate for older teens to be starting to have sexual relationships instead we should be supporting them to do so safely emotionally and physically.

I think you should set up a meeting to discuss exactly what is being discussed in these meetings. If your daughter is under any pressure to decide her sexuality, that is not on. If sex is discussed, that is not on. Those things need to be addressed.
But if it's a safe space for people to meet and chat about gay culture and just about life in general, then I think it would be a huge shame for the school to have to shut this club down. Lots of people know they're gay from primary school- I know people who have known since age 7- and being gay is still a very isolating experience in many, many schools. The impact on mental health is massive.

If the club is simply a safe space for mutual support, I'd try my very best to make sure that it continues.
Also, though you don't feel your DD is gay, it doesn't mean that she isn't or won't be. So I'd be very, very careful about how you treat this and the wording you use. It doesn't matter how many times you say you don't care about her sexuality, arguing against an LGBT group in school may well seem to her as unconscious homophobia. This, in turn, could lead to the many problems you say she's having.

@A580Hojas

Yes, that really is an excellent letter. I'm so shocked you've had to write it! How incredibly irresponsible of the school.

I think you would be more shocked to realise this is in many schools, if not most.

For any parent that has found this to be an issue, can I ask that when taking this up with, or complaining to school, you also forward your experience and concerns to your MP, and the relevant Gvmnt ministers for Dept of Education and for Women & Equalities?

These clubs should not be open to under 16s, for the following reasons:

It is a safeguarding issue that younger children and teens are attending these clubs, without parental knowledge. Often even school is not aware who is attending. This bypasses a parent's legal right to care and guide their child, and identity suitable counsel and support, should it be necessary.

It's my experience that schools are not formally assessing any safeguarding risk, and are extremely naive - they are an offshoot of wanting to be inclusive and anti-bullying (which is as far as they should be going).

No member of staff in school is suitably qualified to counsel young children and teens teens in personal matters of gender and sexuality. It should certainly not be happening in a club amongst peers of differing ages, developmental stage, and sex who are already a majority self-selecting LGBTQ+ cohort.

This is particularly important when taken in context of the strain on children and young people's mental health, exacerbated by the pandemic, and what is now fed to young people through social media.

These clubs are at worst potentially grooming/influencing, and at best affirming.

They go against, head on and at speed, an adolescents right to a neutral environment to live their lives and figure out who they are as they go through puberty.

Please watch/listen to this genspect.org/conferences/

@DoubleTweenQueen

I’d add Baroness Nicholson to the list to send it to also. Always replies also, unlike others.

[email protected]

(Andrew Methven, Parliamentary aid I think), but def gets passed onto her.

@RedCarpetRebellion Excellent idea!

I'm sure I come across slightly hysterical, but have had my eyes opened dramatically in the last few weeks, and it's frightening to witness the radicalisation of particularly our young girls. It's a bit like taking a pill in The Matrix and realising what has been happening under our noses.

Girls are turned against their parents, because we're 'bigots'.

Nope not at all hysterical.

Any other safeguarding risk infiltrating schools and, in some cases, actively being promoted by schools, would require the same response.

When it’s looked at in that light we all appear incredibly calm, and possibly not hysterical enough tbh.

This needs action and needs parents well informed about how to take that action.

I think schools and parents are too naive, trusting, and well-meaning. A perfect recipe for the disaster unfolding.

Also, part of the problem is, it's just not a nice subject to openly discussing between parents.

Schools have to (by law) ask for parents permission for every small thing in school involving the care if pupils - HOW is this considered to not be included or relevant?

OP, just a thought, it might be worth asking what her friend has said to her. could the friend have an influence on your DD ? has the friend invited her to apps, groups online or shared links?

@Levithian

I think you should set up a meeting to discuss exactly what is being discussed in these meetings. If your daughter is under any pressure to decide her sexuality, that is not on. If sex is discussed, that is not on. Those things need to be addressed. But if it's a safe space for people to meet and chat about gay culture and just about life in general, then I think it would be a huge shame for the school to have to shut this club down. Lots of people know they're gay from primary school- I know people who have known since age 7- and being gay is still a very isolating experience in many, many schools. The impact on mental health is massive.

If the club is simply a safe space for mutual support, I'd try my very best to make sure that it continues.
Also, though you don't feel your DD is gay, it doesn't mean that she isn't or won't be. So I'd be very, very careful about how you treat this and the wording you use. It doesn't matter how many times you say you don't care about her sexuality, arguing against an LGBT group in school may well seem to her as unconscious homophobia. This, in turn, could lead to the many problems you say she's having.

Slow down there you've made some huge assumptions. I don't care one bit about her sexuality in fact given what I know and have experienced with the make sex she's probably safer being gay. What I care about is that she had been made anxious and confused unnecessarily and put at risk. I will not be raising my concerns about this club with her, she can't comprehend what she needs protecting from. In fact our older daughter told me she had said Mum won't care and will accept you for whatever you are (that was a proud Mum moment).

No member of staff in school is suitably qualified to counsel young children and teens teens in personal matters of gender and sexuality. It should certainly not be happening in a club amongst peers of differing ages, developmental stage, and sex who are already a majority self-selecting LGBTQ+ cohort.

Exactly particularly they are not equipped to support children like DD who has SEN added to the mix. She doesn't even like me to touch or hug her and we as a family very much respect her boundaries with regards to that, as she starts to have relationships (if she wants to have relationships), she is going to need support to decide if she is happy with physical touch. How on earth are the school going to support her to decide that when they can't even get there act together to support her academically in core subjects.

For me, it's not about being gay, but the current trend now to be non-binary, or trans, and for young girls to be rejecting what they feel is being female, and a growing trend in body and gender dysphoria.
Young girls seem to know all about binders, puberty blockers, hormones, 'top-surgery' - that is the real issue - being same-sex-attracted is a small part of it.

Apologies - was in reply to @Levithian

@DoubleTweenQueen

For me, it's not about being gay, but the current trend now to be non-binary, or trans, and for young girls to be rejecting what they feel is being female, and a growing trend in body and gender dysphoria. Young girls seem to know all about binders, puberty blockers, hormones, 'top-surgery' - that is the real issue - being same-sex-attracted is a small part of it.

Snd if girls are same sex attracted attending a club that teaches them that being a lesbian includes being attracted to transgirls and transwomen or they are transphobic is horrifying.

And a breach of the equality act also.

Yep. Happening in my other dds school too.

[quote RedCarpetRebellion]@DoubleTweenQueen

I’d add Baroness Nicholson to the list to send it to also. Always replies also, unlike others.

[email protected]

(Andrew Methven, Parliamentary aid I think), but def gets passed onto her.[/quote]
Just sending it to her & I'll send one to my wokish MP Victoria Prentis.

I'd be absolutely fuming if my children's school had a club like this. It's completely inappropriate. I have an older, autistic teenager who thinks she's transgender, and if school had encouraged her then they wouldn't have heard the end of it from me.

I hope your letter gets a good result.

If it's a formal complaint open the letter with that statement as the school will have two process, one to deal with formal complaints and one for everything else.

Dear
I have a safeguarding concern please consider this letter a formal complaint.

Please note that I will be raising this very serious issue with the governors and Ofsted.

The safeguarding concern is for my daughter…she is 12 years old, still in..