Critic my Letter to DD school regards LGBT club

[Sickoffamilydrama]

I've just found out that our 12 year old autistic DD has been attending a lunch time LGBT club and now tells me she is bisexual, (apparently she needs choose what she is) & suddenly obsessively drawing flags on everything including herself.

She has been exhibiting worsening ticks like pulling her hair really tight and lip licking until above her mouth is sore & finger sucking.

She suddenly has a friend who identifies as a boy as well (I don't care if our daughter is straight, gay or whatever) but I'm worried what has been discussed, she's 12 hasn't gone through puberty yet and shows limited comprehension regarding relationships, she doesn't need to worry about this, or be considering any kind of sexual relationship.

This has left her confused and clearly anxious, I'm beyond livid to see her distress especially as the school are not doing much about her being massively behind and clearly academically struggling.

So help me by looking at the draft wording for a letter to the head of year and the safe guarding lead.

Dear
I writing to you to raise my concerns regarding the school's lunch time LGBT club, which my daughter informs me is open to children in all year groups. Whilst it is admirable the school wish to support pupils, it is inappropriate that sexuality is discussed in a mixed age group.

My daughter who is autistic and vulnerable has recently been attending with her friend, this has left her confused and anxious with her exhibiting increased ticks, some of which are boarding on harmfull.
She tells me that she now needs to choose what sexuality she is and has become anxious she doesn't have a boyfriend or particularly have any sexual feelings towards boys, this has led her to become very distressed culminating in her deciding she must be bisexual. Even though she feels no attraction to girls. She has then obsessively been drawing flags on herself and with her notebooks.

Prior to attending the LGBT club she had never exhibited any of this anxiety around her sexuality, rightly so as she is 12 years old and still in the very early stages of puberty, therefore she should not be considering sex.

I am unclear what is discussed at this club but the mixed age group is clearly a safeguarding issue a 16/17/18 year old should never be talking to a 12 year old about sex or sexuality these age groups have quite different needs and comprehension. This massive difference between young and older teens is recognised in PHSE guidance hence why children are given age appropriate information. They also appears to be no pastoral or any other kind of support attached to this club which is present when PHSE is taught as part of the curriculum, neither was I aware of this club or my daughter attending it until she suddenly became distressed.

There also appears to have been no consideration for children like my daughter who have a disability that disadvantages her compared to her peers.The difficulties in understanding intentions, missing social subtleties, limited peer interactions and often lower emotional age, means that children with autism require more support or they risk misunderstand important information regarding sex and relationships.

I await your response on this matter.

Not sure if I should put less about the distress and confusion she's been exhibiting. Once this letter had gone I'll be raising the stonewall & mermaids links they have on their LGBT web page using safe school alliance templates/advice.

I hope you get a response and a meeting on the back of the letter. What clubs do they have open to children with SEN and/or social anxiety? Lunchtimes are really hard when you are outside a social group and vulnerable. I used to hide in the homework room as somewhere warm and relatively safe. My son had the SEN hub which was better than being attacked by the lockers. I am sure he would have gone along to a non-sporty club at lunchtime to keep warm and not get his head kicked in, I know I would have.

A huge safeguarding red flag with that range of ages and I think the comparison to a heterosexual club is very valid. There is no way a club with 11 to 18 year old linked to heterosexuality would get approved. I completely understand the sense of isolation young lgbt children are going through, l was at school when the age of consent was 21 still and the young lads, who were a couple had an awful time when it became common knowledge. Young people with ASD are so vulnerable as emotionally behind their NT peers. This club is just badly thought out and not something school should operate, puts the school in an extremely risky position from safeguarding especially as awareness of peer on peer abuse a real focus at present.

I can understand a club where they play a particular game (chess, board games) or do a sport or hobby... but a club based on sex stereotypes and gender? These kids really need to get an interest that doesn’t involve social media and their own belly buttons...

I think you should set up a meeting to discuss exactly what is being discussed in these meetings. If your daughter is under any pressure to decide her sexuality, that is not on. If sex is discussed, that is not on. Those things need to be addressed.

The problem is the people running these clubs do not think this is the message they are giving out.

What they are saying is not what the kids understand. They don't have the same experiences as an adults and their sexuality is still immature. And frankly it's not just the younger ones, it's often true of the older ones.

The adults are not necessarily all that much more on the ball, so why should they be giving guidance on these things?

@AnotherMansCause

She tells me that she now needs to choose what sexuality she is and has become anxious she doesn't have a boyfriend or particularly have any sexual feelings towards boys, this has led her to become very distressed culminating in her deciding she must be bisexual. Even though she feels no attraction to girls.

This point concerns me - it sounds like they haven’t covered the possibility of her simply not having reached the stage of adolescence where her sexuality becomes apparent. Or, possibly, that some people are asexual. If they are going to be discussing things so openly, they should presumably consider both of these possibilities. Everyone develops at different rates. Your child sounds like they would benefit from taking a step back from this “club”.

In any case, we don’t “choose” our sexuality. It becomes apparent over time. The pressure being put on your child by this group is irresponsible & poorly thought out.

I was going to say it sounds like asexuality does not figure in this club. My Dd who is older is asexual and any discussion of sexuality and sex made her anxious as a teenager as she did not ‘get’ it. Not that this negates any of the valid points you make about the lack of appropriateness of this club for girls your DDs age and younger teenagers, but if your DD is getting anxious about whether she is gay or straight, because she does not feel either, and this feeling persists as she gets older, a very simple answer is that there are people in the world who are not attracted to anybody! And of course people develop at different rates so too soon to know one way or the other at the moment.

@KittenKong

I can understand a club where they play a particular game (chess, board games) or do a sport or hobby... but a club based on sex stereotypes and gender? These kids really need to get an interest that doesn’t involve social media and their own belly buttons...

Last year the LGBT+ club was the only non-sport extra-curricular activity in the kids school. That's unusual due to covid, but they also have not other years had, for example, music, or chess, or art clubs.

It's no wonder the kids come to think that somehow, this must be the most important thing about them.

Arts, crafts, board games, art appreciation, jewellery making, Latin, manga drawing, baking, school newspaper, entrepreneur club, debating club, keep fit/nutrition, school council, junior UN, politics, history/archaeology, travel, drawing, pottery, home brew (joke but out biology teacher did brew booze in his office) crikey there are a million things non-rainbow related where the kids would have fun, learn something and get a hobby...

@KittenKong

Arts, crafts, board games, art appreciation, jewellery making, Latin, manga drawing, baking, school newspaper, entrepreneur club, debating club, keep fit/nutrition, school council, junior UN, politics, history/archaeology, travel, drawing, pottery, home brew (joke but out biology teacher did brew booze in his office) crikey there are a million things non-rainbow related where the kids would have fun, learn something and get a hobby...

And they're all age appropriate and in line with the school's core purpose. And they don't breach safeguarding boundaries.

Knitting! I remember doing knitting! The boy did board games, Japanese and various sports and some history and poetry clubs.

She'd probably love knitting or any kind of art/craft thing. Problem is she's been moved to the bottom groups in everything and none of her friends are in them so I can we'll imagine her not being keen on doing something without them at lunch.

Hmmmm. When DS wanted a particular activity he planned a club and went to a teacher to propose it and they did run it.

Dance! Keep fit/80s aerobics (that would be a hoot).

Singing! Charity work! Film club (well shorts - or sitcom club)! Radio! Writing/comedy club!

Loads of things they will actually enjoy - because these rainbow leagues seem to make the kids bloody miserable.

Any news yet OP?

@FuckYouCorona

Any news yet OP?

Silence reigns....or is it silence reins/ rains of to Google the original of that phrase.

Of course it's reigns why did I doubt myself? That's the stress of this and work 🙄

Today we have just had the report come from the autism specialist we paid to assess her and make recommendations to help her whilst in school, it's heart breaking to read, DH has just come in read it and I've told him what I've been up to, which has resulted in him crying and making me cry as he says what fucking chance does she have? Why did we bring her into this world? sad

I think this is my tipping point and time for me to stand up for my children and their future.

@Sickoffamilydrama I just want to say that this post brought tears to my eyes. You are a wonderful mum and there is an army of women cheering you on. With you as their mum, both of your DDs have every chance in this world

Yes, you are wonderful.
Well done for writing the letter. I hope it might lead to the school reassessing their safeguarding.

Most of all I hope you can somehow get your DD away from worrying over all this.

There used to be a free period in life called girlhood which was from about 10 - 16. What a shame for all girls that it has been groomed out of our society.

Great name SorryAuntLydia and thank you that's kind to say, I do sometimes worry about girls like DD who don't have a persistent parent my friend is really struggling to get help with her DD who is waiting a autism assessment and is becoming very controlling and violent but finds it much harder to be assertive.

I know ScrollingLeaves it's rubbish wish they'd just leave kids alone. Adult sexuality is completely different to a child's emerging sexuality.

So I've heard back from the school, this is a go away and be quiet...which isn't going to happen until I'm certain the kids are safe:

Thank you for your letter regarding the LGBT+ support group and the constructive points that you have raised. The idea of this type of affinity club is to provide a safe space for students and to provide an opportunity to socialise with friends and ask questions. These groups are run in many schools nationally as part of an inclusive school community.

The support group has been running for the past three years at.. Sessions are 25 minutes long, with the first 15 to 20 minutes given over to socialising with friends while having lunch. This is supervised at all times. The final 5 minutes are made available for students to ask questions, which are usually relating to advice on how to cope with bullying or prejudice, the meaning of certain terminology and advice on where to get further support.

Students are always encouraged to speak to the pastoral support manager or their tutor about any concerns they have and all answers to questions are moderated by Mr ...l, who runs the group. While this sometimes includes discussion of sexuality and gender identity, students are never asked directly about their own identity and are encouraged to take time when choosing language about themselves. These sessions do not involve sex education, which is all covered in the school PSHE curriculum.

We have three separate groups organised by age; year 7/8; year 9/10 and Y11/VI form. However, some Year 11 students do, on occasion, come and support with the other groups. Again, they are supervised and any input they provide has been pre-planned and discussed to ensure that it is age appropriate. Mr … will speak to all students again about this to ensure that nothing inappropriate is being discussed.

I appreciate your comments regarding neurodivergent students and I am concerned that ... increased anxiety could be linked to these sessions. As mentioned above, the sessions are not ‘taught’, and any questions are driven by students and responded to in a professional way. The aim of these sessions is to provide a positive and inclusive environment for students and Mr ... is there to ensure discussion is age appropriate. I also agree that it would be good to have other clubs available, but we are limited by the availability of staff to run these clubs during lunchtime. Mr … gives up his own time to run these sessions. … currently is not requiring extra support as she is settled and supported in class. She has a learning passport which provides strategies to staff to support her.

Moving forward, Mr … will look at ways to reinforce the rules and expectations of these sessions so that students are clear about the purpose and parameters of any discussion with peers or questions being asked. We will also look at ways to communicate with parents about the LBGT+ support group and contact information for parental questions. For example, our website already contains information about the LGBTQ+ club (, and we will also send out an extracurricular clubs list to parents.

I hope that this has addressed the points that you have raised. Please feel free to email me if you have any further questions or concerns.

At the moment I'm not sure how I will reply so I'm going to have a glass and think about it over the weekend.

They don’t have enough staff to run clubs yet this balloonery is one they choose to spent precious resources on?

And DD much more settled this week like getting all of her thoughts off her chest has helped.
I've been plaiting her hair and just given her a haircut thanks to a you tube video so she's all good. I also told the specialist autism person who is working with her, he was a WTF as well.

@KittenKong

They don’t have enough staff to run clubs yet this balloonery is one they choose to spent precious resources on?

Yes I thought that to!

The hair plaiting is to prevent her pulling it which seems to have worked.

You need to make an appointment with Mr X and ask him all the questions we your daughter can come up with.

So: What is the definition of homosexual? Can people change sex? What happens if a child comes in with a binder on? What groups are they sent to for support? How is it managed if a child wants to use a different name and pronoun?

Find out how much is neutral supervision and how much is gender woo.

If it turns out that Mr X genuinely supports LGB people, then (while it might be a bit much for your dd) it's probably best left. If (as is likely) it's a support group for children to discover how to be trans, then it's time to raise the roof.

I really hope she gets some decent support. Does she have activities with friends outside school that could send her in a different direction?

I think it is well worded and measured, @Sickoffamilydrama.

The only thing I’d say is that it isn’t “boarding on harmful” it’s bordering on harmful.