Ted: Hello there, Nick.
Male Parishioner: Hello there, Father! I hear you have a vagina now.
Ted: What? What?!
MP: How did you get interested in that type of thing?
Ted: Who said I have a vagina?!
MP: Everybody's saying it. Should we all be having vaginas now? I'm a bit confused, so. What's the official line the church is taking?
Ted: No, no, that's not true.....
MP: Only, me bollocks take up most of m' time during the day, and at night I just like to have a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote m'self full time to the old vagina.
Ted: No.....
Female Parishioner: Good for you, Father!
Ted: What? Oh hello Mrs Libfem....
FP: Good for you, Father! Somebody had the guts to stand up to them at last! Having their women's meetings! Trying to stop us using their toilets and acting like they own the feckin place! Well done, Father! Good for you! Good for you! Feckin' Mumsnetters.
MP: I don't think it's just Mumsnet, Mrs Libfem, he's trying to confuse everybody.
Ted: I'm not trying to confuse anybody! I don't have a vagina!
FP: I don't care as long as I can have a go at the Mumsnetters! They invented gayness!
Dougal: What's up, Ted?
Ted: Dougal, I'm afraid I've made a terrible mistake. I thought if did publicity for that clinic, it would help a bit with....you know....that money that got lost....
Dougal: You mean the parish Christmas fund, Ted?
Ted: Yes, but if anyone asks, it was just resting my account.
Dougal: So what's is about Ted?
Ted: Everybody thinks I have a, you know a vagina.
Dougal: Ah is that so, Ted.... What's a vagina?
Ted: You know, Dougal. Lady parts.
Dougal: Oh. I wouldn't know anything about that Ted. Do I have a vagina?
Ted: No. You're a man. Only woman have vaginas, Dougal.
Father Jack (waking from stupor): WOMAN!
Ted: Keep your voice down, Dougal, you don't want to get Father Jack all riled up now.
Dougal: Ah, sorry Ted. Does Mrs Doyle have a vagina, Ted?
Ted: Yes, Dougal. Mrs Doyle is a woman, and women do have vaginas.
Douglas: Ah, is that so? What about nuns?
Father Jack (alarmed): NUNS?!
Ted: Calm yourself there, Father Jack....
Father Jack: NUNS!! WHERE NUNS?!
Ted. There, there now, Father Jack, it's alright, there are no nuns. Here have this
Ted: Look, Dougal, if anyone asks, tell them I do not have a vagina.
Dougal: Ok Ted.......................It's no good Ted, I can't say it, I'll only mess it up. Can't I just tell them it's an ecumenical matter?
Ted (exasperated): No you can't! It's just biology. Men don't have them. Women do.
Mrs Doyle: Cup of tea, fathers?
Father Jack: Tea? Feck!
Mrs Doyle: And how about a nice sandwich?
Ted: No thanks, Mrs Doyle, I don't have any appetite right now.
Mrs Doyle: Aw g'wan now, Father. Have a try. They're diagonal.
Ted: No thanks Mrs Doyle.
Dougal: Ted's having problems with his vagina, aren't you, Ted?
Ted: Ohh, for the love of......I do not have a vagina, Dougal!
Mrs Doyle: Vagina you say, Father? I think I had one of those once, but I must have misplaced it a long time ago.
Ted: Mrs Doyle, you're a woman, and women do have vaginas.
Mrs Doyle: Well if you say so father. Although I must say, it sounds like a word from one of those dirty novels. I read a bit of one once. Oh, the language, feck this, feck that....
Ted: It's not a dirty word, Mrs Doyle. It's just biology. Everyone has one....
Dougal: I thought you said you didn't, Ted!
Ted: Yes, I mean, no, I mean yes, I don't have one! But women do have vaginas, Dougal!
Mrs Doyle: What, even nuns, father?
Ted (now shouting in exasperation): Yes, even nuns!
Father Jack: NUNS!!!!
(A thousand apologies to Glinner)