Thank you for your posts Jedi. I won’t bite your head off, but many of your points fantastically illustrate the problem that is bothering me so I’d like to respond to a few individually.
[Man here]. Please don't bite my head off. This post really does emphasize how insanely different men and women are, IMHO.
Why do you think men and women are so different? Could it be something to do with fear? Could it be to do with the fact that virtually all women have been leered at, sexually objectified, groped, all the way up the spectrum to rape and murder? We’d love to be casually relaxed about contact with men, the way men are with us, but statistically and experiential it is unsafe to do so.
I am stuck between 100% accepting a woman's perspective of what is creepy, and the following -
So not 100% accepting then.
(1) The app - why on earth does it not give your location on a map to within - say - 1/4 mile? Why on earth does it name your street? Why on earth are you on a site that gives this personal information away to all and sundry?
I joined the app because I want to have a closer community. I want to get to know local people, help them out, be neighbourly. What you have written implies there is something wrong about that (there is, because male behaviour puts me at risk).
(2) I take the view that if you are on an app that allows strangers to send you personal messages then you are open to personal messages from strangers. Likewise if you're walking in the street you might find yourself approached by strangers. Now obviously a polite man will - say - avoid approaching a lone woman at night in a quiet place because that is obviously highly likely to be intimidating. Obviously a man should speak from 2 metres away and not get right in your face. Obviously he should accept your lack of interest in any sort of communication if you are not interested in any sort of communication, and move away promptly to ensure that you don't feel intimidated. But I simply do not buy into the idea that approaching strangers in public is wrong. Obviously if the PM is overtly creepy the man should be reported and hopefully banned. If it is a little creepy then maybe he'll get banned if he's reported two or three times. But the idea that we aren't able to approach people who are in public, in public, or approach people who choose to be on apps with private messaging, via PM, seems nuts.
So I need to avoid public spaces if I don’t want random men I don’t know speaking to me? Is this what you are suggesting? Why did he PM me and not ask on the open forum if he was only interested in chat? I do think I need to leave the app, just like I need to avoid places where men like you think they are entitled to conversation with me.
"a man commenting that he noticed where I live and asking questions about it. " Well, noticing something made public on an app you chose to join is hardly outrageous, and asking questions is hardly outrageous. What were the questions?
He was asking questions about a park I live close to. Seeing as the public forum is filled with people who live next to the park why would he select one woman to ask when he could canvass the opinions of many - if he really wanted to know.
When is it appropriate for a man to speak to or communicate with a woman he does not know? Obviously if one or other is working then a short chat as you renew your car insurance is fine. Obviously on dating apps when you get matched? Obviously if the woman approaches the man then the man cannot be criticised? When else can a man speak to a woman he does not know?
I cannot give you a definitive rule book, however put simply, many men present a risk to women. Many don’t and when you are not it may feel frustrating to be judged. But with respect, you are coming across as a man who thinks he has the right to mock/dismiss a woman’s boundaries and suggest that if she doesn’t want to be approached by unknown men then she should stay out of sight. This makes me uncomfortable and I think you should go and think deeply about what you have said here.