Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

I mean would it be more safe or less than giving him a month then having to live with him for that month?

loreleihatpin.substack.com/p/autogynephilia

I came across this today which has AGP’s testimonies in their own words and completely matches the descriptions of behaviour described by trans widows here and on the Trans Widows Voices website.

That article deserves a thread in its own right. Every MP for a start should read it.

@Artichokeleaves

That article deserves a thread in its own right. Every MP for a start should read it.

Well I can give it a try but threads on AGP don't tend to last very long particularly at weekends!

Article on AGP by Lorelei www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4530444-article-on-agp-by-lorelei

Thank you Even if it's axed there will still be people who see it and many who book mark and share it.

Related thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4530735-My-abusive-STBXH-says-he-is-trans?pg=3

New memoir written by a trans widow:

In the Curated Woods: True Tales from a Grass Widow https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1663231036/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_AXA9CA13P6R44KVPV72R

Excerpts of which have previously been shared here:

www.womenarehuman.com/a-trans-widows-tale-excerpt-from-the-curated-woods/

Hello,
Sorry if this isn't the place for this, please point me in the right direction if there is one?
Just found out that my partner cross dresses, he's bought stuff and taken things of mine I'd put aside for the charity shop. He's watching Sissy porn. I came home early after being away and he'd definitely been having a great time filming himself all night.
He hasn't admitted it, do I talk to him? I can't sleep, can't touch him.
I know he's not happy at work, is it just a phase, a kink, a midlife crisis.
It's the lying, but I also feel undesirable, how can that turn him on and he still want to have sex with me? And he's filming it? To do what with? What else might he be doing.

I'm sorry, I just don't know how to process.

He’s filming himself masturbating dressed as a woman?

Hi Alaqua sorry to hear that. It must have been a terrible shock for you. Sounds like whatever his motivation, you have no option but to talk to him to get answers to your questions. Women on here tend to have partners for whom this is way more than a fetishism, but only by telling him you've found out will you start to heat from him why he does this. Its pretty full-on behaviour and absolutely the secrecy is one of the hardest things to deal with.
You probably need to pick a time and way to ask him about it. And also think about how you would feel if he said it was 'just a kink'? Or 'just a mid life crisis because I'm unhappy? Or if he tells you he thinks he's a woman. You are likely to need to decide what you want to do (stay and participate, stay and tolerate but not participate, try to set ground rules, leave, seek help for him or you both) although after hearing his side you can say you need time to think. Good luck.

Hi @Alaqua welcome to the club that nobody wants to be in.

This is the right place to be because although generally our exes ended up having transgender identities, they generally all started out as cross dressers.

Is it a midlife crisis? On one hand yes possibly, but on the other it's more likely it's an escalation of something he's always done, on and off.

It's quite likely he's filming himself in order to exchange the films with other like minded men. He could be doing it for profit too, there's a market for it.

You do need to need to him about it. He may well tell you he will stop. It's our experience that they don't.

I'm sorry that you're going through this but you will survive it.

How long have you been married and do you have any children?

@Alaqua If he says he’s a women be warned that encouraging him to seek professional advice leads to affirmation of his feelings, the professionals have no interest in treating it as a mental health problem and will probably stick him straight on hormone pills if he wants them.

Hopefully it’s just some sort of fetish, men are weird like that.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.
I haven't spoken to him yet 🙈
I won't babble on, as it sounds like you all have been through it and know how I'm feeling.
I just can't stop thinking about it! And in all honesty don't know what to, @socialworker222 you're right, I have no idea what my ideal outcomes are really! @TinselAngel like you say, he can say anything really, say he doesn't want to do it anymore, but how would I ever know that's true. He's obviously very good at hiding it, and I can't live my life creeping around at night seeing if anything looks suspicious!

Thank you for replying though, it's been a relief to get it off my chest x

I very clearly remember the stage of being scared to open drawers and worried what I'd find in there. It was the beginning of the loss of trust that would have done for the relationship eventually whatever the outcome of the cross dressing.

A series of compromises and accommodations were made, none of which lasted.

Also feel free to babble on!

I’m sorry this is long. So I never expected I’d ever post somewhere like here. I’m open minded and generally keep out of heated debates on the matter. This isn’t directly about me but I need some advice. I’ve just got off facetime with my brother (sibling?) after 3 hours of him being very upset.

His partner Ellen (fake name) has been questioning their gender for a while but we thought that was just a phase to cope with lifetime trauma of sexual violence growing up. So Ellen decided a while back they’re now Allan (fake name also) and has told my brother that they are now in a queer relationship and that my brother is now gay. He loves Ellen/Allan and believes it’s not the gender but the person he loves. Ellen/Allan has given up work to transition and is expecting my brother to fund this, which he does cos… love.

my brother is so caught up in the queer community now that he’s struggling with the gaslighting and mental headfuck required to go from being in a hetero relationship to having to come out as a gay man either before he is ready or at all. He cannot articulate his struggle because then he’s a bigot to his largest group of friends and will be ostracised. These friends he met through Ellen/Allan’s gender identity research. He’s trying out camp and effeminate to see if maybe that will help things in his head but I just see my brother being broken down bit by bit. My once lovely cheerful big bear of a brother is reducing himself to a gay, effeminate stereotype to keep his relationship. He may well be attracted to men and that’s fantastic for him if he is but he’s struggling with coming to terms with the change in status of his long term relationship with his girlfriend and being forced into becoming a man in a gay relationship with the same person who is now expecting him to believe they’re a man. He was once happy and laughed all the time, now he whispers gently and giggles quietly behind his hand so no one sees. I wouldn’t be surprised if he soon tries out transition to see if it helps his understanding of himself and this relationship.

He won’t seek therapy to discuss his feelings because he’s scared he’ll lose his partner by not constantly affirming their identity and their now gay relationship. I’m so worried about his mental health and his withdrawing from interacting with all his family. They live in a different country & with covid we haven’t seen them much at all so he’s had no, for want of a better word, normality in his other relationships. It’s been consumed by Ellen/Allan’s obsession.

How do I help him? I want to say just leave & come home but he wont because he’s scared of being labelled transphobic and losing his job.

So to clarify, your brother is male and his partner is female?

He’s trying out camp and effeminate to see if maybe that will help things in his head

JFC, that's not how this should work.
He's trying to be something he's not (gay) by adopting a stereotype behaviour of a gay man in order to try and convince himself he's gay. He's not. He's not attracted to men, he's attracted to Ellen/Allan.

How did "everyone should be free to be what they truly are" become "you have to act gay now because your wife has turned into a man"???

It's actually pretty homophobic.

Agreed, though he must be going through a lot right now.

I'm sorry your brother is in this mess. And I don't know that you have good options for how to help him. Pushback in the form of questioning? "If self-identity is right for your partner, why is it wrong for you? Why should your partner get to redefine herself, and also redefine you?" Support in the form of acknowledging he has the right to decide what is acceptable to him? Support in the form of observing that he seems very unhappy in his attempts to change himself in order to please his partner? Support in the form of asking whether his partner has expressed any empathy for his feelings or position (and what s/he's done to show this)? Support in the form of reassuring him that if he leaves, he will discover that most people will understand and support him in his decision? (I had been worried about this myself, and was pleased to discover my worries were groundless.)

This Reddit post has a lot in it that's familiar.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/u9dzui/myhusbandsscrossdressingissthebaneeofmy/?utmmsource=share&utmmedium=iossapp&utmname=iossmf

WE ARE THE WOMEN WHO SAY NO - Trans Widows Voices www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4549524-we-are-the-women-who-say-no-trans-widows-voices

Related thread which women here will find interesting.

Popping in as a show of solidarity to my fellow transwidows. Loved being able to hear Tinsel on the podcast. Keep up the good work. I love following the happenings on your side of the world.

Apparently, the ex is soon adding bottom surgery to the mix. Mind you, he's only been "out" nine months and has already had both facial surgery and breast implants. It seems crazy to me that actual doctors allow this number of medical procedures in such a short period of time. My children don't know and still don't see him.