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Original poster

Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

983 replies

TinselAngel · 04/05/2021 21:25

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

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TracyHarp · 21/12/2021 19:33

You'd think it would be difficult but it isn't. The difference between the two are night and day. Their Dad is a deeply flawed individual and my son is the total opposite.
Aimee is receiving excellent counselling and she sometimes talks to Noah or myself about her feelings towards his transition. He came out 19 months ago and we seem to have settled quite well. Aimee is extremely outspoken, and feisty so I'm under no illusion she would verbalise any concerns. She takes offence if Noah is misguided by family and has become a rather outspoken ally fir Noah, sometimes to his discomfort as he's a very non aggressive, gentle person. It makes for an interesting household at times. Smile

socialworker222 · 21/12/2021 21:59

Sounds like you're a secure and happy unit without your ex and that you're all entirely free from contact with him. Those of us who have no contact with exs are in many ways better off as we don't have to see or deal with them. But I'm glad your kids are okay with not seeing him as I think it can be very ambivalent and difficult to cut off all contact however awful a parent is. Much harder for kids than for us ex partners it seems to me.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 25/12/2021 10:57

A hopeful Christmas to any women reading this who still feel trapped in unhappy relationships ,with transitioning or AGP men. The only way is up and escape is possible Xmas SmileThanksWine

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socialworker222 · 26/12/2021 09:03

I hope everyone had a good day Flowers

themiserychick · 26/12/2021 10:49

Thanks Tinsel, hopefully 2022 will be my year. It occurred to me today that he was probably questioning his gender before we even met, which is just another nail in the coffin of our relationship. Only one person in my life knows how bad things are, everyone else probably just assumes everything is fine. They talk about a future that I know won't happen. I just need the strength to do what I need and face everyone afterwards.

Christmas was ok. Thanks to all on this thread for being here.

WalkedAway · 28/12/2021 17:02

I had an interview with the filmmaker Vaishnavi Sundar this morning, and wanted to say how much she put me at ease. Good interviewer and she was very clear about the process. Just wanted to report that it was a positive experience, for anyone of you might wish to participate but have been hesitating.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 28/12/2021 17:50

@WalkedAway

I had an interview with the filmmaker Vaishnavi Sundar this morning, and wanted to say how much she put me at ease. Good interviewer and she was very clear about the process. Just wanted to report that it was a positive experience, for anyone of you might wish to participate but have been hesitating.
That's great to hear.

@themiserychick Are there any small steps you could take that would move you towards this year bring the year?

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themiserychick · 29/12/2021 08:47

The main thing is getting a job. I just am having a huge amount of anxiety about it, sometimes even just looking at the statement against criteria I have to write sends me into a panic Sad I should have done it months ago, but it just feels like an impossible task.

socialworker222 · 29/12/2021 08:51

Would be good to have someone help you look at your CV and the application and check it over Misery. Not surprising you feel anxious as work can feel like another massive burden. But I've also found work a great distraction and source of new confidence plus it's an independent part of your life that's nothing to do with your ex. It could give you a great boost if someone could maybe help you start applying.

Bunshine · 29/12/2021 13:21

@themiserychick Good to hear you're making a start despite the anxiety. I was very anxious too when I started working again, due to the trauma of the relationship, but focusing on something else for 8 hours a day and getting the commute as well as time away from the house did wonders for my brain and stress levels. Wishing you speedy progress towards a good job and one more step towards freedom. Flowers

socialworker222 · 31/12/2021 20:25

Happy new year everyone wherever you are. Hoping 2022 is better and brings positive change and opportunities for you whether you have left, are thinking about leaving, or are staying and managing these difficult and traumatic situations Flowers

Original poster
TinselAngel · 08/01/2022 22:56

Would you stay with your partner if they decided to transition? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4448462-would-you-stay-with-your-partner-if-they-decided-to-transition

Vast majority answering "no" to this question.

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QuinnMovesOn · 09/01/2022 01:05

It's an interesting read, with quite a few posters saying their opinion on this is impacted by having read the Trans Widows Voices website. It gives me hope that future women hit with the typical emotional blackmail and asked to tolerate unacceptable spousal behavior will also benefit from your terrific site, Tinsel.

themiserychick · 09/01/2022 05:19

Thanks for sharing, reading all those "no" replies has motivated me to finish writing the statement against criteria for my job application. Once I get regular work I can start the process of moving out on my own. I dread the conversations I'll need to have though.

socialworker222 · 09/01/2022 10:47

One step at a time misery. Tackling that task sounds good. Just imagine how you might feel months/years down the line when you have a job and can choose where and how you live... getting there is just a series of steps. Good luck and hope you have someone to help you with it.

socialworker222 · 09/01/2022 10:49

@TinselAngel

Would you stay with your partner if they decided to transition? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4448462-would-you-stay-with-your-partner-if-they-decided-to-transition

Vast majority answering "no" to this question.

It's an interesting read. The main minority misconception seems to be that it's all just 'packaging' or 'genitals' and love is love etc. Oh that it were that simple...
SouthernTW · 09/01/2022 14:37

Very interesting post. I think that the current climate only highlights the few who do stay and not the "silent majority" who leave. And it's not love to deceive your spouse for years and years about who you think you are. (And that's just the more innocuous ones.) I am so grateful for the Trans Widows website and the stories you all share here. I credit them with giving me courage.

It's been an entire year now since he moved out. My children haven't seen him since the revelation more than four months ago. There have been no attempts to see them and no queries about their well-being. He has continued to pay the support. Our holidays were the most peaceful I've had in years. I may not be where I want to be financially and I'm not exactly sure what the future holds, but it's so much better than the alternative.

There have been many more revelations discovered and I am so glad to no longer have that level of deception under my roof. Even my therapist said that we would be better off if he had just died (and then caught herself and said she didn't wish him dead, of course). My response was that "I am a widow-of sorts."

@themiserychick- I know it's scary, but I would encourage you to take just one step towards independence. Whatever that is for you. Each step in the direction of freedom makes the next one easier.

themiserychick · 20/01/2022 07:09

I emailed the job application today. Nervous but hopeful. The other day I noticed a news update on tv saying that there's a casual teacher shortage here, which is good for me I guess. My anxiety tells me otherwise though, but I'm trying not to listen.

I really need to dig myself out of the hole I made for myself so I can start living again. There's no abuse or anything else here, and he's not really "out" to many people, but I know and it eats me up inside.

SouthernTW · 21/01/2022 13:41

I am proud of you, @themiserychick. That was a big step. May 2022 be your year of freedom!

Original poster
TinselAngel · 21/01/2022 17:24

@themiserychick

I emailed the job application today. Nervous but hopeful. The other day I noticed a news update on tv saying that there's a casual teacher shortage here, which is good for me I guess. My anxiety tells me otherwise though, but I'm trying not to listen.

I really need to dig myself out of the hole I made for myself so I can start living again. There's no abuse or anything else here, and he's not really "out" to many people, but I know and it eats me up inside.

This is good news. Even if your first application isn't successful, you're back on the horse.
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QuinnMovesOn · 23/01/2022 16:43

@themiserychick, this is great, just don't let yourself get discouraged as job hunting is stressful and odds are you won't get the first job you apply for. And you can be turned down for inexplicable reasons. Please don't let that get to you, you can interview brilliantly and then not get the job because they went with an internal transfer or the budget didn't come through or some other reason that will be invisible to you.

themiserychick · 02/02/2022 07:34

Hi everyone, thanks for all the encouragement. I was approved to do casual teaching today, so I can start working whenever I want. Really nervous, but I know it's what I need to do.

socialworker222 · 02/02/2022 14:23

Great news Misery. Its part of the road back to self confidence and freedom. Good luck.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 02/02/2022 17:56

@themiserychick

Hi everyone, thanks for all the encouragement. I was approved to do casual teaching today, so I can start working whenever I want. Really nervous, but I know it's what I need to do.
Brilliant, this sounds ideal. Let us know how it goes.
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Original poster
TinselAngel · 07/02/2022 21:50

Exciting news Trans Widows and long term lurkers!

Me and my trusty assistant @socialworker222 finally met up in real life over the weekend! Discreet tears were shed! Booze was drunk! Pasta was eaten! Much talking happened!

We didn't (at least so I am assured) get on each other's nerves! It was ace. SmileCakeWineGlitterball

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