Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

@SouthernTW

The revelations continue around here despite the divorce. Apparently, not only was the ex involved with the hypno sissy porn, he actually wrote a novel about it that has been published. This all occurred long before he ever mentioned the trans issue to me.

Hoping that he will just continue to leave us alone. That is the best case scenario at this point. I just feel so dumb that all of this deception was going on for so long.

It must be nice to have the time to write a secret book when you've got young children mustn't it?

If it's any consolation, I'd put money on it being a really shit novel

This is a really exciting project from a trustworthy woman. Women who post here or who lurk, may wish to get involved.

I wish I could participate in the documentary, but I just can't risk losing my academia job over this.

Do her remarks about anonymity reassure you at all?

@Transwitwe

Hi! I am *@transwitwe* from Twitter. The German woman with an autogynephile husband. I don't know if some of you seen my account. I'm ranting there for a while over my husband and his strange behaviour. I just want to say hello. I try to read as much as I can as I find the time. My smallest kid is sick at the moment so I'm a little busy. But I try to read and write some more. I've read my story in German already. Try to translate it for you if someone's interested. Wish you all the best and see you soon! 😊

Willkommen. Please do tell us your story.

@Socialworker222, I would like to think that the filmmaker would do everything she could to maintain anonymity. But I am untenured, I know what would happen to my teaching contract if I was publicly outed as anti-trans. Which I am not... all of my antipathy is towards my ex and other idiot ex-spouses of trans widows.

I haven't posted around here for a long time. But Tinsel, I saw your announcement about the filmmaker, and have contacted her.

(As I retired two years ago, I am not in danger of losing my job.)

@WalkedAway

I haven't posted around here for a long time. But Tinsel, I saw your announcement about the filmmaker, and have contacted her.

(As I retired two years ago, I am not in danger of losing my job.)

That's great

I'm so happy to have found you.

@TracyHarp

I'm so happy to have found you.

Welcome @TracyHarp

Tracy has come over from Twitter.

@TracyHarp, welcome to the club none of us wanted to join.

It would be great to hear some of your story if you feel up to it Tracy

@TracyHarp- I'm glad you found this source of support although sorry you meet the qualifying circumstances.

Just popping in for an update. I'm closing in on a year since the ex moved out. This Christmas is imminently better than the last. He continues to stay away for which I am immensely grateful, as are the kids. I find myself having slightly more anxiety than I have had of late as we finish up all those "firsts." I ended up blurting out the last year of woe to the random mechanic who told me how much my car was going to cost to fix. Poor guy.

Although ex hasn't told me, I have found out through other means that he has legally changed his name and had breast augmentation surgery. More is coming. But he hasn't mentioned it to me or the kids (to whom he has no communication other than an occasional letter they won't read).

Thanks to all you transwidows for being a continued source of support . May your holidays be merry and bright!

Hi, and thank you for the welcome. I cannot tell you the absolute joy of finding you. Its been so lonely out here on my own. I've been asked to share my experience so here goes...
I met my husband in 2000. He was 24 I was 36. I was divorced with no children. His family was dysfunctional and we forged our own way. In 2002 I had our twin girls, and he began to change. He became controlling and I mistook this for caring. He would be fine for a few months then go flat eyed and violent. I learnt not to "push his buttons" and we carried on. All 3 of us walked on eggshells around him. Then things began to change again. Wearing tights under his trousers to keep his legs warm, womens knickers because he liked the fabric. Then in 2013/14 he came out as transgender. I stepped out of my shock and focused on supporting him. I talked with our girls and explained. He asked me to tell his parents, work colleagues and my mum as he was afraid of rejection. I pushed down my own pain and did as he asked. I researched trans issues and became his advocate. I became very ill and after many tests I was diagnosed with pushing my immune system so far, due to stress, that it was permanently in a state of defence, flooding my body with histamine constantly. In short, this situation was making me sick. The constant discussions about his feelings, agreements being made and broken. Getting into bed and realising he was wearing my underwear and perfume. Promising not to spring presenting at home as female without warning, then wafting into the kitchen as Leah. Painting his nails constantly and asking me to buy more colours for him. (The smell of nail polish sickens me still).
I finally realised I couldn't go on and said we had to end the marriage one evening. He shut down completely and I slept on the sofa. The following morning he was still giving me the silent treatment. Our girls were getting ready for school and were bickering, as usual. And then it happened, shark eyes and an explosion, punching one of our 13 year old girls. He left for work, I threw him out and the police, school and social services descended. Months of abuse followed, outside agencies were reported to, alleging fraud on my part and so on. Eventually, after 3 years of relentless abuse the police intervened . He played the "you're being mean because I'm trans" card, whereupon the police officer gave him her details and invited him to complain.
All has been mercifully quiet since then. I am now being counselled after trying everywhere. PDAS were OK but had no experience of trans widows and I became tired of hearing "oh this is a first" from several counselling services. There was no where that understood the limbo I was in, my husband no longer existed, but this simpering, overly feminine, girly woman was my children's father. His idea of female was so off the charts it was a caricature of a woman. I despised his warped idea of female. It felt insulting. It robbed me of my femininity. I cut my hair, stopped wearing makeup and jewellery and lived in jeans and oversized shirts. Feminine made me shudder.
It's been nearly 7 years. My kids and I are in therapy, I'm growing my hair and wearing more feminine clothes, no nail polish or make up yet, it's a work in progress. I'm very damaged, my immune system is irreparably broken, but my symptoms are managed by injections and medication. I'm never going to be the same. It's ruined my life, and my children's lives. He knew he had these issues before he met me and never once raised it. He married me, never telling me. We had children and he still kept silent. And when it all went wrong he persecuted me for walking away. I wish I'd walked sooner.

Oh Tracy your story is so familiar. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you've lived such an ordeal. Work in progress is how this works. You've done the hardest part and you will not just survive but thrive in the end. I agree about feeling he's ruined your lives. I no longer feel that about mine (it would have ruined my life if I'd stayed) but I do feel my children's life has been forever damaged and diminished by such selfish and deceitful actions. We are here, there are multiple echoes of our lives, and you'll get through this. What a terrible and concise summary of your story. You're not on your own

I was diagnosed with pushing my immune system so far, due to stress, that it was permanently in a state of defence, flooding my body with histamine constantly. In short, this situation was making me sick.

This is interesting because it is exactly how I was. I used to get infected cold sores and I've not had a single one since leaving. The stress my body was under was ridiculous. I'd pick every cold up too.

Tracy, my sympathies on what you had to go through. I do have a lot of faith in children figuring out what the real situation is, and who the actual reliable parent is. I hope therapy is helping them and you.

I'm also a few years past divorce. And still wondering when I'll feel like I've fully recovered from this. I don't know if I ever will.

Does anyone here have recurring nightmares? I regularly dream he's back, controlling everything and in the dream I'm constantly kicking myself for taking him back and crying. It lingers throughout my day and really affects my state of mind.

@TracyHarp

Does anyone here have recurring nightmares? I regularly dream he's back, controlling everything and in the dream I'm constantly kicking myself for taking him back and crying. It lingers throughout my day and really affects my state of mind.

I don't, but a friend of mine who got divorced under different circumstances (serial cheater) does. I suspect it's quite common.

I still have some upsetting and disturbing dreams about my ex. Its a very normal.part of processing things... but you feel horrible for a bit when you wake up.
I hope you and your girls have got good therapy now Tracy. I can relate to the reactions of therapists who haven't encountered this before. Good ones shouldn't be freaked out by it it seems to me... its core issues of loss, betrayal, our own identity. I hope your girls are okay and that you get some sort of decent Christmas

We are all set for a lively Christmas with my wonderful mum. These times are precious and we are a very close family. Just for the sake of total honesty one of my daughters transitioned to male last year. So now I have a son and daughter. To be on this situation has wrung every last drop of strength from me, however my son has dealt with it all with compassion, kindness and empathy towards me and his twin. Its a totally different approach than his father and we have all travelled the same painful path from the nightmare of his father to where we are now. I appreciate some may find this hard to understand, but my son is completely separate from the trauma of his father's transition.

That's interesting. Does your transitioned child feel guilty about not seeing or supporting your ex? I ask as one of my kids' big fears was their peers judging them for not accepting and seeing their father in the current climate where anything other than celebration and validation make you hateful. (Hence they told very few friends and carried it as a shameful secret for years... then found out that of course everyone where we lives knows anyway and nobody has criticised them). But if a child also did this I imagine it could add another layer of pressure politically. For you this doesn't just seem to be about your ex's abusive behaviour but also (and many of us can relate) the sexist, regressive caricature late transitioners seem over and over again to favour. Does that feel less authentic for you than your child's new identity? You've certainly been through enormous turbulence. Glad Christmas will be good for you all.

Hmm lots to answer there. OK, so when their father was thrown out it was as a result of him punching Noah. When the police came they asked them their age (13) and said they didn't have to see their father if they didn't want to. Throughout the following 12 months I let them know if they wanted a relationship with him I would help them do so. I stopped saying that at their request, they wanted nothing to do with him. He had moved in with his parents and stopped his transition. His family blamed me for his "dabble" into women's clothes. Months later we heard he had started transitioning a second time (no surprise ).
Noah still hadn't come out to me at thus point. He asked if he could reach out to his father the following Christmas via fb and I said of course. It ended badly and Noah was devastated. His twin has always been adamant she wants nothing to do with her father, to her he's a violent, unpredictable individual. She self harmed regularly from the time her father started presenting as female at home, until about 12 months ago. Shes had counselling throughout.
Noah is also completely sure his father is out of his life for good. They don't share their fathers situation and just focus on his assholery when talking about him with friends, if they talk about him at all. I believe they both struggle with the dad they had doesn't exist but this bizarre, overtly feminine does. Its a death without a funeral for us I guess.
As to my dons transition, yes, it does feel more authentic, more honest too. Noah always behaved like a boy from the get go. Football mad, superhero costumes, skateboards, boys clothes etc. It was no surprise to anyone who knew him. He's also high functioning autistic so that added an extra dimension. He was terrified of telling me he was male. The immense damage his father had caused, sweeping through our family like some hellish firey tornado, leaving the landscape of our lives incinerated, was in the forefront of his mind constantly. The week he told me I retreated from him. I was right back in the trauma. He understood. My beautiful autistic trans son understood, and waited. He gave me space to work things out myself. Every step he's taken since then has been taken with kindness and understanding. He informed the family and his friends. He took responsibility. He is a quiet, intelligent, loving man, with an hilariously quirky sense of humour and passionate loyalty. I do think his twin has had a much more difficult time accepting it. She's "lost her twin sister" and has talked it through with us often. She's adjusted now and teases him mercilessly over his breaking voice and bum fluff moustache, which Noah recognises and sees it as sibling stuff. In fact Noah loves that she teases him, as he knows it's acceptance.
So yeah, it's been hell. Being reasonable, kind and strong, while life constantly resembles a child's kaleidoscope isn't easy.

I know a couple of other trans widows (not women on here) who have told me that one of their children has developed a trans identity. I wonder how common it is? Then of course there's parents who transition after a child has gone first, like Amanda Jette Knox's husband.

I think the cognitive dissonance of keeping the two things separate must be very difficult.

Is your daughter getting help to deal with the "loss" of her twin sister? It must be a lot to deal with. Children are often expected to celebrate transition, just as we are.