Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

I just had a small sherry actually
But it was a big deal for me. I found this thread 2015ish and it helped me enormously. To come to decisions, to realize I wasn't alone, and to survive. I owe a debt of gratitude to Tinsel for starting and maintaining it, and taking a lot of unpleasant flak over the years. Hence the tears...

@TinselAngel

Exciting news Trans Widows and long term lurkers!

Me and my trusty assistant @socialworker222 finally met up in real life over the weekend! Discreet tears were shed! Booze was drunk! Pasta was eaten! Much talking happened!

We didn't (at least so I am assured) get on each other's nerves! It was ace.

That's brilliant! I hope you had fun!

Very glad you could meet. I only know one other trans widow in real life, and she had a relatively easy time of it... no kids, no shared property, no disparity in income... so she basically said "See ya!" and quickly got a divorce.

Hi all, I've started working, I have a month's work straight up because there's such a high demand for casual teachers where I am. My anxiety is still really high, and I'm struggling but I have to keep going. I've been thinking a lot about the eventual break up, I just have no idea the best way to go about it. I know an actual conversation will be really hard for me, but I've also heard that doing it through text is a very bad way to do it, even though I would prefer that way. If I have a good plan my anxiety won't be so bad.

Hope everyone is doing well. So great that Tinsel and Social got to meet up

Congratulations on the work Misery. Try to take really good care of yourself through this part and it will get easier as you adapt. This has been a big step. Regarding break up, if meeting face to face is too hard, you also have writing a letter or email, or a phone call, if text feels too casual. Letters can be good as you can lay out what you want to say and get it just right. A friend with a difficult ex finds face to face always ends up in a row, or her getting very distressed, so she emails and can then say exactly her points without being bulldozed or manipulated.

Glad you've started working themiserychick, that's a really positive move.

Remind me what your living arrangements are? I signalled my decision to split by putting the marital home on the market but I realise that might be a bit too dramatic for some.

This thread has gone quite quiet. If we don't make it to thread seven, I'll never get to do a Blake's 7 themed title and that would be a terrible shame!

We are currently living with my parents. When I move out I'll have to tell him that it won't be with him. I feel like it would be easier if I didn't have to navigate my parents reactions as well as his.

I haven't been posting too much because it would all be things that he does that annoy me because of his gender identity.

Love that @TinselAngel and @socialworker222 met up! Solidarity and support all the way!

@themiserychick- kudos on rejoining the working world and making steps toward independence. Wishing you much strength in the journey!

Just keeping on my solo parenting journey and working on healing and helping my children to do so as well.

Not that he has told us (I only find out through other way like social media) , but ex is having more surgeries. No idea where the money comes from, but I try not to think about it. The kids and I may not have all the material things, but we have enough and more importantly we have (for the most part) peace.

I think that's common coping strategy Southern. I could waste such anger and upset on wasted money, indulgent purchases etc which could have been better spent helping my kids. Peace is priceless. So is freedom and independence.

A lot in here that's very familiar to trans widows.

www.reduxx.org/post/creator-of-trans-pride-flag-was-admitted-crossdressing-fetishist

i'm so glad @socialworker222 & @TinselAngel got to meet IRL - it's so important to build these connections IRL isn't it?

Love to you all xxx

Currently sitting on a wharf deciding whether or not to drive off the end of it after another round of finding pills he’s been secretly taking.

Hey Lost it's definitely not worth you hurting yourself over. I think many of us felt terrible and hopeless at times but there are ways to manage it and get out if you want to. Hideous to feel that way and by the sound of it to have found out that you have been lied to. You're not on your own.

I can’t keep going round in circles, every time he tells me what I want to hear and I give in to his excuses, then something else happens. This time it’s worse because we were supposed to be trying for another baby (against my better judgment but I’m scared of my daughter ending up alone in the world and really want her to have a sibling, sounds dumb I know). Have been trying for 6 months with nothing happening, now I know why. I didn’t even want kids in the first place, he was the one insistent on it, I even found text messages to his colleagues saying he will divorce me if I don’t have kids. Now we have a daughter and I feel so bad that she has been bought into this mess. We live in another country so I have no family or friends nearby. I think he’s hoping I don’t come back so he can assume the role of mother

@Lost2022, there's support for you here, but please also call your family, call your friends. You're dealing with a very deep betrayal, you need all the support you can get.

There isn’t support, everything is geared towards him, I’m supposed to shut up and put or else I’m labeled as something

Yes there's a total focus from support organisations on him not you. But I'm hoping you have friends and family who get it, and can privately support you even if everyone has to pretend they agree with the mainstream. I've certainly found lots of people including in my (very woke) workplace who privately don't buy it, think its nonsense, and sympathise greatly with people adversely affected by it. They just can't say it publicly.

Sorry I missed this over the weekend @Lost2022 this thread keeps falling off my watched list for some reason.

I have been in almost exactly the same situation you are in. My ex started secretly taking a drug to prevent hair loss (on his head) which had a main side effect of causing impotence, while we were still nominally trying for another baby (although there wasn't much trying going on at that point TBH so I don't know if it did actually cause impotence in his case).

This is a very bad time to be trying to conceive for you anyway. If you have an only child they will have to make her own connections in life as will my DD. I'm subsequently very glad we didn't have another child.

Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?

I hope you're OK @Lost2022

Sorry for not replying sooner. I’m ok, just trying to bury myself in work so I don’t have to think about things. No, I don’t have family or friends to talk to, he hasn’t told anyone about it and to be honest not sure I want their opinions anyway.

I do think he is struggling as well and the problem is there is only one type of help for him. No one seems to care why someone feels like he does and what’s caused it, in my opinion they are treating (if you can call it treatment) the symptoms and not the cause. He was abused as a child which is where I think this stems from but no one asked questions about his past, he had two sessions with a specialist gender therapist then they wanted to put him straight on the drugs and start the transition process. WTH, I don’t understand how any healthcare professional can tell someone it’s ok to to completely mess your life, health and body up without at least some serious in depth years long counselling first. If I went to the doctor and said I don’t want my leg attached anymore, would they amputate it for me? I don’t think so. There is going to be a massive scandal about all this one day but it will be too late for those who’s lives have been ruined. I’m also mad at myself because when he first told me how he felt I encouraged him to seek professional help, thinking that they would treat him like they would treat anyone with some kind of body dysphoria mental illness. I had no idea about all this positive affirmation, mustn’t upset the narrative that surrounds this subject. It’s like a cult, and whilst transitioning may be right for some it’s not necessarily right for everyone but no one seems to want to admit that.

Sorry for ranting, I’ve just been alone in my thoughts of this for so long.

I am blown away by the sexism thrown at transwidows, especially by "some men". Would they be okay if their wife grew a beard and asked to peg him every night? Hell no, and there would be NOBODY judging husband or saying it's the same person they married.

Sorry to hear you are so isolated with this Lost. You aren't alone in finding that suggesting professional help, ideally therapy of some sort, ends with the person persuaded transition is the right and only way to proceed. I guess you have to decide whether to watch and wait, and find a way of surviving watching this unfold, or detach yourself from what seems likely to be an imminent car crash. Make sure you also think about yourself in this. Are you able to communicate how you feel to him?

Lost, please consider finding a therapist for yourself. I also had really good support from a no-cost church-based divorce support group, DivorceCare, even though I'm not religious. DivorceCare is in some cities in UK: www.divorcecare.org/countries/gb

There are a lot of groups in US: www.divorcecare.org/countries/us

I relate again to what you're describing Lost2022, IIRC it was me who initially persuaded my ex to go to the GP, I imagined he'd get intensive counselling via the GIC and after that he might decide it wasn't for him. But this just isn't what happens at all.

Second the suggestion of trying to find a therapist if you've nobody else you want to talk to.