Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

@TieYourCannons, my ex also chose the announcement timing like yours did, when it was most convenient for him. He said he would have done it earlier, but then we would have had a dispute about child custody. So he could wait ten years to transition to avoid a custody fight and choose the convenient time for him. Short form: we are so better off without these selfish people in our lives.

@socialworker222 and @QuinnMovesOn
So sorry to hear yours did the same. It's enraging to think they deliberately wasted years of our lives which could have been spent with someone else. But...you're right Quinn, we are so much better off without them. I wasn't my best self when he was around but I didn't realise it until after he went. It's like I can breathe again. I look forward to everyone here getting to that stage.

@TieYourCannons, for me, there's still the gaslighting/cognitive dissonance of "I could wait ten years to transition purely to avoid a custody dispute" versus the "I must start transition TODAY or I will die."

Washington Post Reporter wants Kids to see Kink www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4286167-Washington-Post-Reporter-wants-Kids-to-see-Kink

Related thread showing the ideological position that one woman has ended up taking after staying with her trans husband.

Such ridiculousness. I am a firm believer in letting children be children and shielding them from this insanity. Consenting adults are welcome to do whatever they want, but children should not be exposed. Unlike the common misperception, children are NOT resilient (and unfortunately adults essentially force them to be) and it's disgusting that the adults that are supposed to care about them would want to traumatize them so. Just like our spouses.

It's interesting how some people want their 'kink' publicised and celebrated, but not publicised by ex-partners writing about it Some of the testimonials on the transwidows site talk very frankly about these behaviours, but publicizing them is aggressively criticised by the very people clamouring for exposure. Hmm.
Re. wasted years Cannons it seems to be easier for those of us with children. My ex apparently knowingly wasted many years of my life living a lie, but I got my kids from it (and now my freedom) which I will never regret despite being robbed of a potentially better, enduring and honest relationship.

The kink has to be publicised but the narrative controlled.

What struck me about the article is given it was written by a woman who stayed with her trans husband, it reminded me of when I was deciding if staying in the relationship would be tolerable for me. One of the things I remember thinking was that if I stayed I'd be part of the LGBT community but under entirely false pretences because I'm a heterosexual woman. No doubt I'd have a lot of fun but I wouldn't belong.

Staying and redefining yourself as "queer" is one way of dealing with this I guess.

@TieYourCannons I’ve not been on in a while and in catching up I just wanted to thank you for this. I swing from optimistic that this season will pass to in despair that this season exists and isn’t over yet.

“For anyone still living with their Hs, stay strong. It must all feel so immensely pressured and that there is no safe place to process and to heal. But it won't be like that forever. The rawness will pass and we will heal (sorry if this sounds cheesy!) flowers”

Things do change Seaside, either through your actions and decisions or theirs. Sometimes people have to sit tight to wait and see, wait for the other person to change or act, or get to a point where they can no longer tolerate this or decide they can, and how they will survive. I hope you're coping okay and that the windows of feeling optimistic get more frequent and last longer, which happened to me.

Just checking in on you all.

The divorce is progressing here. My children still don't know about the transgender thing. Even not knowing, they want to spend less time with their father because he seems uninterested in them or "doesn't like" them. Therapy has been intense lately, especially as I am trying to figure out what my new life can/should/will look like. I wish he would just go away entirely.

The misogyny of this whole idea of TWAW has really been getting to me of late. I would love to go back to the days of ignorant bliss where this issue was barely a blip on my radar.

Hello everyone. I've been lurking for a long while now and finally I feel strong enough to raise my voice here after reading everyones experiences.

I too am a transwidow to someone who came out as trans shortly after marriage. Thankfully I have been free of this relationship for many years now, however this still affects me greatly.

Like so many on these threads I also experienced gas lighting, abuse, boundaries being broken endlessly, sexual fetishes I wanted nothing to do with, and so on. Even with therapy (general and trauma focused) it still affects me often. I know that healing is an incredibly long journey for some and I am in a better place mentally and in life than I was but it still feels overwhelming sometimes to have these memories.

I have been so grateful to all of you for speaking here, it's harrowing to read all that you are all going through currently or have gone through, but it's helped me feel less alone in this pain.

I am uncertain where I am going with this but I wanted to add my voice here to say there's another woman too who has experienced this.

Welcome Emerald . I'm not a transwidow, but there's lots of supporters on here

Welcome.Emerald. It's good to hear from someone who left and is relieved by that choice. But noting that the memories and experiences are highly traumatic will resonate with many of us. Its such a huge, isolating and unusual life-changer. I hope you've made a good life for yourself.

So, my children have started noticing certain things. Beyond the ridiculous hair and emaciated weight loss. My son mentioned Dad's very long fingernails and that it was "gross." They aren't painted (at least not around the kids) and I guess we are still going with the not telling the kids yet. We don't talk, only text related to children's schedules. I hate that I feel like I am not being truthful to my children.

Welcome, @EmeraldCaterpillar. I so appreciate from those who are on the back end of this awful experience.

Kids do notice the detail. Mine realized ex was 'wearing women's jeans as they had embroidery on', and that one of the first things was 'terrible eyebrows' which they found disturbing. I can't remember how old your children are Southern but they will be taking in all the changes. Mercifully I seem to be the only person who encountered the hat-and-knee-boots phase, and the ongoing mini-skirt-in-all-weathers phase. I try to see it for what it is (ridiculous, unconvincing, clearly very time and money-consuming) but mine found each change upsetting and surreal. Hence the feeling that this was no longer the same person.

Welcome @EmeraldCaterpillar

Things stagnant here. Met up with a friend recently that called STBX by the new name and it was like I was body slammed. One of the few real life friends that know and was just so shocked and hurt. They know how unhappy and hurt I am.

He’s still self absorbed and still present. Did mention that he needs to look for work at some point and agreed. Cannot forget all the hurtful things said to me and he acts like the only issue is his new found self. I don’t feel I should have to get into and go over the things that really severed all feelings I had. I feel like the point is to make me doubt myself and just go along. It feels manipulative but I don’t even know how to tell anymore.

@SouthernTW oh I hear you. Dearly wish I knew nothing of this.

My kids are preteens and incredibly observant and bright.

Hats and knee boots- good Lord. I can't even.

the hat-and-knee-boots phase

What sort of hats social?

Met up with a friend recently that called STBX by the new name and it was like I was body slammed.

Did you say you would prefer your friend to use your STBX's old name to your while you're in private SeasideM?

I was so struck it took me a bit. But yes I did finally ask to please not do that in front of me. It was just so shocking at this person knows I am not ok with the situation nor how I’ve been treated. She really really does not get it. I kinda see how people that are caught up in being kind and all that and no real idea of the realities can not get it but when you know someone personally…like really? Just getting used to none of it making any sense.

For those where the children are school age and the father is still in the same town: what has been your experience with dad attending school functions and/or have you had to have any special talks with the children to help them through peers seeing what is happening?

Ah Tinsel, hats-wise we have been through a painful jaunty beret period, and a large-brimmed variety. We have now moved on to miniskirts 12 months of the year. Oh and the leather-look leggings. I swear the man never wears anything my middle-aged female friends would wear, and of course must spend a fortune and lots of time on preening.
Jesting aside, Seaside I too was asked whether I surely shouldn't use 'she' by a friend, who noted I use 'he' all the time. I just explain that 1) I reserve the right to use whatever term I like just as he reserves the right to call himself something made-up, and 2) I only knew him as him. This differs from those of you who still have/have to have contact with your exs; I don't and I dealt with and divorced a man, called a man, dressed like a man, and don't know or want to know the new made-up person. But I tend to quite frankly put people in their place on the issue of pronouns when this is so intensely personal. Another friend noted that while everyone feels obliged to use 'correct' pronouns, transwidows are no less special than their partners in terms of choice on this.
My kids were paranoid that their father would turn up 'dressed up' at events, as was I, but he didn't. I don't know how I would have dealt with it or helped them, although the political climate is such that many teens are radically 'woke' and wouldn't mock or laugh. Mine were more paranoid that peers would criticize them for not seeing him/being transphobic (this happened 0 times). I think mine would have banned him from events like that or refused to go themselves. Those who have managed the small-town/same circles/child-related events can probably help more with this. I know I was very lucky that mine asked to go no-contact very quickly so we didn't have to tolerate this much.

@SeasideM, my children were older, so not the same situation. But they've done therapy to help them through this.

@Social, I still have to deal with my ex or at least people talking about my ex in professional situations. In those, I refer to my ex with female pronouns. When talking about the time we were married, I use male pronouns. Because whatever my ex is now, I was married to a man, and no one gets to rewrite my history.

Sounds like a compromise that works for you Quinn.

Both my teens have had therapy now; despite the notion that this is all fine, and it's no big deal (my ex's view very strongly particularly in the current climate and knowing their friends' tendency to be left-wing and tolerant), neither found it in any way straightforward, and both find it very distressing to this day. They have expressed a range of hard-to-hear emotions, such as him not caring about them, being selfish, having lied to everyone and them throughout their lives, and not liking him in his new 'mode'. It is hard enough as a spouse, but I cannot imagine a parent doing this and expecting children and teens to happily go along for the ride.

I think you might have mentioned the berets before social so I have to confess to asking that question in order that I could have a good old chuckle at the jaunty beret mental image. Eddie Izzard also likes a beret IIRC.

SeasideM when the time comes about school I suggest finding out what your kids actually want. If like my DD they'd rather their Dad didn't go to school it's perfectly possible to do that. Many children's Dad's never go to their schools for lots of reasons so it's not even unusual. My Dad never went to parents evenings etc as he was always too busy.