Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

Everything was fine as it was. One feminism chat board, where this thread sat happily.
Now, it's a total mess.

This thread should NOT be in a "debate" section!

There is NO debate involved about this thread.
"Trans women" are natal born men, and their wives should not be expected to be forced to stay married to them, once the natal born man has transitioned.

Marriage is a contract, between the sexes AT THE POINT of signing. If one party "changes sex" (via a legal fiction)

that invalidates the original contract, then the marriage contract is void.

Any thing else is abuse.

I fully expect this to be deleted, btw 🙄

Hope you don't mind me sticking my head round the door...I'd have thought an obvious solution would be to remove the generally unwanted word 'debate' from this board name now they've had the good grace and sense to put Feminism: on the front.

This board will include some debate, on some threads. But it also includes support, activism, news, advice and more.

Even just changing "debate" to "discussion" would be a start.

to you all, especially @TinselAngel, what with everything that's going on at the moment.

Sorry, just my opinion, as not a Trans Widow, but a GC woman who is incensed on your behalf

@ErrolTheDragon

Hope you don't mind me sticking my head round the door...I'd have thought an obvious solution would be to remove the generally unwanted word 'debate' from this board name now they've had the good grace and sense to put Feminism: on the front.

This board will include some debate, on some threads. But it also includes support, activism, news, advice and more.

That would be my preferred option.

Yes, get rid of the "debate" tag

Can I suggest one of you makes a thread in Site Stuff, laying out the reasoning? (I've already got a thread there at the moment else I would).

Bump

No personal experience but just pitching in to say 'I stand with you all' 💐

@ErrolTheDragon

Can I suggest one of you makes a thread in Site Stuff, laying out the reasoning? (I've already got a thread there at the moment else I would).

I've not got the energy today but I'm happy for somebody else to do it

OK I posted in Site Stuff.

Thanks, @TheInebriati

I've gone on your thread and posted that I raised this with @MNHQ last night, when I reported a particularly vile post on the thread "use of the term Trans Widow"

the post was deleted (good!) and I was told that "We've raised the wider issues you are concerned about here for further discussion within the team."

Not discussion, debate.

(If MNHQ can have a discussion, why can't we?)

👍

Request to remove the word 'debate' from ' Feminism: Sex & gender debate'
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/4282004-Request-to-remove-the-word-debate-from-Feminism-Sex-gender-debate

Gets my vote

Good.

I also did much the same to SpringCrocus (probably re the same post) and got a similar response.

Sea going northern bird, @ErrolTheDragon?

@SpringCrocus

Sea going northern bird, *@ErrolTheDragon*?

👍

I reported the sea going northern bird post twice, I was infuriated as to how long it was remaining on that thread. There were more than enough shitty posts on there already without that vile one.

I'll bugger off out of this thread now as it is not my place to join in but know that you all have my unwavering support in all that you do and my sympathy for all you have endured and are being expected to endure.

@RedDogsBeg 👍

Feeling very alone right now. He asked me for money because his has run out again, and I sent him a link to the local job search page. This is the first time I've refused sending him money. I'm so tired of supporting him, and am planning of breaking up, but also second guessing myself like I shouldn't have been so passive aggressive I guess.

I'm so worn out by everything. I'm waiting to hear back whether I got a job or not (although I'm not optimistic right now) and will apply for more if needed. He's apparently studying, but I don't know how hard. I think he's using his gender identity issues as an excuse not to find work.

I'm grateful for this space, it's the only place to vent that isn't full of women trying to make it work because they believe in trans ideology or something.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time themiserychick do you think he could be working on the basis that you're less likely to leave him if he's dependent?

Hello Everyone, I hope you're all doing well. I've been away from the thread for a while, focusing on self and family. My return was sparked by the publicity surrounding Tinsel's recent efforts on our behalf (thank you Tinsel). Also, I said a few words on that thread about the name, and was touched to hear so many supportive voices even though it went down hill as these things do.

@themiserychick, reading through your earlier post I think we have in common that our exes aren't textbook abusers, and mine wasn't a late transitioner. I see him as a poor, vulnerable young man with mental health issues and ASD who's deluded into thinking that his problems are down to gender. Like yours, mine was forever 'studying' because he was unable to commit to anything for very long, and for a long time I supported us both.

However, regardless of any mental health issues a partner may be facing, in my opinion it cannot be used to excuse cruel behaviour. Perhaps by refusing to send him any more money he will stop using you as an emotional or financial prop.

One thing that struck me just a couple of days ago when I was thinking about the suddenness with which mine announced his new gender, was that he did it that way not out of thoughtlessness but out of selfishness. He travelled a lot for 'work' and it was on one of these trips when I went to visit him, all arranged so he knew I was coming I didn't arrive unexpectedly or anything like that. He waited until the last day of my visit to tell me. So I had been meeting people and introducing myself as his wife, when they all knew he had been living as a woman. He told me on the last day so he wouldn't have to deal with the emotional toll of such a revelation on me. He could continue to focus on himself. He's all over social media talking about how amazing his friends are, how he couldn't have done it without their support, and how it's the best thing he's ever done. But he never once spared a thought for me or how I might be feeling or managing. There was no discussion or handholding or adult conversation about the future. I could be dead in a ditch and our kids in care and he wouldn't know. So the horrible posts that say partners of transitioners need to be more supportive, or those that think there's some kind of amicable discussion to separate really have no clue what they are talking about.

I still devote too much headspace to him, I can't help it because I am so frustrated that no one can see the harm that's being done to people like him and their families by encouraging a no questions asked acceptance of any and everyone who wants to transition. At the same time I'm angry at what he did and how he did it, but it has taken me a long time to move from sadness and shock to wanting to do something about it, to anger. I think I'm there now, so I wanted to get it off my chest.

For anyone still living with their Hs, stay strong. It must all feel so immensely pressured and that there is no safe place to process and to heal. But it won't be like that forever. The rawness will pass and we will heal (sorry if this sounds cheesy!)

Must be difficult chick. But continuing to fund him, when you are not exactly well off, from what you say, is not going to change anything or help him set up his own sources of financial support, whether benefits or work. It really isn't your responsibility to support an adult in this way, and setting very clear boundaries, however difficult (you sound a bit too nice ) will help you both in the longer term.
Re. sudden announcements of this kind, Cannons, my ex also dropped the bomb abruptly. He was entirely decided, had done all his research and made his own network, and I was the last part of the process. Unfortunately mine also had zero compassion or empathy for me (interesting how often women in our position are chastized for not showing enough of that), I think because he had already 'left' and started again. It's enormously selfish, and creates great sadness and anger. Not cheesy to say that - there is definitely scope for healing, moving on, and waking up one day to realize that you are genuinely better off without them in every way. It took me years but you are right to share a message of hope on this.