Have you ever ... ? (Things women have to deal with, that men don't)

[EssenceOfDittany]

I had a conversation with a naive "be kind" sort of person (male) the other day at work, who casually came out with something about sex being basically irrelevant next to gender identity. I reminded him that the sole reason for women's oppression throughout history is biology, i.e. sex. Thankfully he revised his position pretty quickly and looked like he felt a bit silly for having said it in the first place. (I think he is also blissfully unaware of how controversial such a "belief" is these days, and was only parroting the thing about gender because he'd heard lots of other people say it.)

This got me thinking, I'd like to compile a list of some of the crappy things girls/women have to deal with in their everyday lives that men never/rarely do, so that when someone more set in their opinions says "sex is irrelevant", I can say "really? So, have you ever ... ?"

A few to start us off:

… spent the entire day with a jumper tied around your waste to hide the blood stain on your trousers when your period caught you off-guard?

… left a social gathering earlier than you wanted because you realised you didn’t have enough sanpro to get you through the evening?

… made an excuse to not go swimming when you’d like to, because you realise you haven’t done the requisite bikini/leg/armpit maintenance?

… spent hours painfully removing your pubic hair when you didn’t want to, because an intimate male partner told you it was disgusting and you didn't have the confidence to tell him to sod off?

… endlessly plucked/waxed/obsessed over your upper lip hair because it would be a disaster if someone realised that was your natural state?

… taken the route three times as long, just to avoid going down a short alley alone in the dark?

… clutched your keys between your fingers with the “blade” sticking outwards to make you feel like you might stand a chance if attacked by a man, since you know you’ll have no chance based on strength alone?

… asked a family member to track your location when you’re out alone, and told them exactly where they should expect you to be every step of the journey, so they can raise the alarm if something happens to you?

… felt relieved when your company moved to WFH, because you could finally stop putting on a brave face at your desk while in agony on your period?

… worried about judgement from your colleagues when you say you're “feeling ill” a day or two every month?

... had a constant sick feeling in your stomach when out alone in your local area after dark, because you're afraid of being assaulted/mugged?

Please help me flesh out the list further! I’ve only scratched the surface, and I know there are so many more examples, relating to motherhood, career progression, DV, women’s health, general safety, all sorts. I want to rattle off this list next time someone dares suggest that “sex is irrelevant”.

After major abdominal surgery (c section) there's an expectation that you can pick up and nurse a baby, even with a catheter in. Expectation that you just get on with it, get up and about despite lack of sleep, days of contractions etc.

Being asked if I have children, or asked to justify why I don't want them. I don't think DP has ever been asked this by anyone.

Become frustrated and lonely when time after time you discover that the men you thought were your friends are only interested in you romantically/sexually, and no longer have any time for you once they discover their feelings aren't reciprocated.

Inexplicably been made to feel guilty for the above, since you apparently wasted their time by "leading them on", when all you wanted was a friend.

Second-guessed yourself in the presence of male friends forevermore (well, for the rest of your youth at least, until you became invisible).

@MsTSwift because they want to be a fantasy caricature of a woman it seems to me.
I think the shopping list includes lipstick, breasts and tinkly laugh.
Don't hear much about ambitions to have endometriosis, be paid less than a bloke in the same job and be the only one to clean the loo.

Life jackets/bouyancy aids. I can either spend the day with the top half of my chest crushed, or the bottom half a bit loose and potentially not work.

Or spend £££ on a special one.

Having to repeatedly advocate for myself to avoid unnecessary interventions during my last birth. I annoyingly even though I stayed as firm as possible I ended up being pressured into having a completely unnecessary procedure that had to be undone pretty much straight away as the baby did not like it (low level pitocin drip). Birth was fine- lovely in fact but only because I trusted my body to get on with it. Once I was allowed to move about freely and work with my body without constant interruptions, my baby girl progressed quickly and was born in three pushes. Three hours prior to that I was told I wasn’t in established labour because my contractions were not registering high enough on their monitors! 😉 They were coming regularly and felt pretty strong to me! I’ve had three births it would have been nice to have been given a bit more respect that I knew what I was doing by my the medical staff instead of scaremongering me to get me to do what they wanted. They also did a number on my partner trying to get him on side. After the birth they tried to rush me out of the delivery suite within an hour leading time almost passing out in the shower. It makes me suspect the hassling me to have the induction might have been more to do with bed spaces than anything else 😱
I wonder if a man would be treated the same if roles were reversed?

@EssenceOfDittany this theme is depressingly being discussed on another thread. The OP is fed up to the back teeth. She's lost friends and her trust in people.
The very first post laid the blame squarely on her. In effect "but what were you wearing?"
That was bad enough, but then the chorus of women who could identify completely was sadder.

From the age of 13 experiencing predatory behaviour from men including being repeatedly sexually abused by a family member and being blamed for it. I've been carrying out mental risk assessments ever since and most of the women I know do this too.

Not sure if how to phrase it, but think it's pretty shitty that mothers' details aren't recorded on wedding certificates

They have always been recorded in Scottish marriage certificates. Agree it's dreadful they aren't in England.

Become frustrated and lonely when time after time you discover that the men you thought were your friends are only interested in you romantically/sexually, and no longer have any time for you once they discover their feelings aren't reciprocated.
As in this ^

Btw at 13 I looked like a child. I was a slow developer with a dreamy unconfident personality. Still apparently knew exactly what I was doing.

Go without effective treatment and pain relief for common ailments because I was pregnant or breastfeeding.

Explain to my primary school dd what a flasher is and what to do if she sees any of the three that my local WhatsApp group warned me about last term. Reassure her by saying I’ve been flashed several times, so it’s (unfortunately) normal.

Choose months of pain in order to breastfeed - it was pain or formula, no NHS expertise to help me get to pain free breastfeeding. I worked it out by the time the baby was six months, but at a significant cost to my mental and physical health.

Being told by my male boss that I didn’t have the right voice when I worked in a us investment bank. My voice should have been deeper and louder apparently. Who knew?!

Had to explain to DH why women reverse into parking spaces in dingy car parks or secluded car parks - so they can make a quick, easy getaway if needed.

Turned down opportunities for evening activities or sicial events because it would mean parking and walking through a dark town centre alone.

Had to leave work after finding blood in your knickers in the toilets, and disclose intimate details of your life to your boss, as that meant you were miscarry - again.

Almost bleeding to death after being admitted for high blood loss during a miscarriage on a gynae ward because the nurse took a dislike to you and thought you were making a fuss over nothing.

@Catmaiden

What about a trigger warning, OP?

Why?

This is the everyday shit women - all women - have to put up with. What did you expect a thread like this was going to look like? And why should we hide the reality behind trigger warnings and euphemisms?

If you're going to get triggered direct your anger the right way - towards the men doing this shit to us, not at the OP for wanting, in fact, needing to talk about it.

Being asked why I don’t have children (I can’t have them) when DH never is

Having vaginal atrophy and then discovering that there is next ti no treatment or research into it beyond a low dose of topical oestrogen which doesn’t work for a lot of women even though over 50% of women get it. Somehow I think if men over 50 said sex felt like razor blades, pharmaceutical companies would be falling over themselves to come up with better medication

Realising now I’m over 50 that a lot of the time men listened to me & agreed with me in the past was because they thought I was hot not because they valued what I said

Telling blokes harassing you in a club that you're a lesbian (a lie) to get them to leave you alone. "I'm not interested" wasn't a good enough reason to turn them down apparently.

I'm not sure this would work these days but it did 25 years ago. It still shouldn't have been needed.

Also, taking the long way round a dance floor to the toilets because crossing directly through the crowds would almost certainly mean getting groped.

Briefly dating a male colleague, breaking up with him and having my reputation so publicly trashed I had to leave. Reported to management and was told it was his word against mine.

Wearing headphones so that men don't talk to you, but having nothing playing through them so you can be aware of your surroundings and potential attacks

All medications trialed on men first, even when they are for 'female' ailments like period pain. How many meds were not continued in development because men got a side effect that men might not?

When I went to pick up my car and the garage had 'helpfully' set my address in the sat nav under the word 'home' and having to change it because if my car gets stolen I don't want the thief to know where I live (home is the local police station now).

TV. Things are getting better but until recently there was very little female sport.

I considered getting Sky in the late 1980s because I liked the idea of the films, but the film channel was used to broadcast football, I wanted the films to watch instead of football. There still isn't a package of channels that isn't aimed at 'sport' AKA men's sport ofr'family'.

Discovered to your astonishment that your 13 year old son is taken more seriously than you as a customer viewing relatively expensive products in an electronics shop.

My more serious examples are pregnancy and motherhood related though:

been told "informally" by a member of senior managent that now you're pregnant you'll have to choose where your loyalties lie, and if its with your family not the school (employer - secondary Academy) to stay at home.

Been reprimanded (by a male head of department who previously boasted about locking himself in his study claiming to be swamped with work and actually watching films with headphones, to avoid having to "help" his wife with bedtime for his toddler and baby) for leaving a well behaved top set year 11 unattended to run down the corridor to throw up in the teacher's toilets when experiencing pregnancy sickness. Apparently I should have vomited quietly into the classroom bin.

Been given all bottom sets and no classroom of your own as a teacher because you returned from 6 months maternity leave mid year.

Nearly died during child birth.

"Realising now I’m over 50 that a lot of the time men listened to me & agreed with me in the past was because they thought I was hot not because they valued what I said"

This.

When I was younger I thought I had a scintillating personality, I had loads of male friends. Now I am older, not so much!

@JaninaDuszejko

Not sure if how to phrase it, but think it's pretty shitty that mothers' details aren't recorded on wedding certificates

They have always been recorded in Scottish marriage certificates. Agree it's dreadful they aren't in England.

Worth checking if this is still the case as it was part of the draft Bill for opposite sex civil partnerships. One of the MPs sponsoring the bill wanted his mum on his marriage certificate as she was terminally ill, iirc.

Had to avoid certain shops due to sleazy men working there who harass me when serving me.

My DH is taken seriously when he's unwell. I never have been.

I have a normal BMI yet I've been told by doctors and nurses to 'lose a few pounds' several times throughout my adult life. My DH is very overweight with an 'obese' BMI and has a health condition because of this yet his weight has never been mentioned.

Having a contraceptive implant make me feel like I was going mad, and being told that I was not allowed to have it removed. I was refused agency over that.

Lucky my marriage survived really; I couldn't see that I was acting strangely at all.