Have you ever ... ? (Things women have to deal with, that men don't)

[EssenceOfDittany]

I had a conversation with a naive "be kind" sort of person (male) the other day at work, who casually came out with something about sex being basically irrelevant next to gender identity. I reminded him that the sole reason for women's oppression throughout history is biology, i.e. sex. Thankfully he revised his position pretty quickly and looked like he felt a bit silly for having said it in the first place. (I think he is also blissfully unaware of how controversial such a "belief" is these days, and was only parroting the thing about gender because he'd heard lots of other people say it.)

This got me thinking, I'd like to compile a list of some of the crappy things girls/women have to deal with in their everyday lives that men never/rarely do, so that when someone more set in their opinions says "sex is irrelevant", I can say "really? So, have you ever ... ?"

A few to start us off:

… spent the entire day with a jumper tied around your waste to hide the blood stain on your trousers when your period caught you off-guard?

… left a social gathering earlier than you wanted because you realised you didn’t have enough sanpro to get you through the evening?

… made an excuse to not go swimming when you’d like to, because you realise you haven’t done the requisite bikini/leg/armpit maintenance?

… spent hours painfully removing your pubic hair when you didn’t want to, because an intimate male partner told you it was disgusting and you didn't have the confidence to tell him to sod off?

… endlessly plucked/waxed/obsessed over your upper lip hair because it would be a disaster if someone realised that was your natural state?

… taken the route three times as long, just to avoid going down a short alley alone in the dark?

… clutched your keys between your fingers with the “blade” sticking outwards to make you feel like you might stand a chance if attacked by a man, since you know you’ll have no chance based on strength alone?

… asked a family member to track your location when you’re out alone, and told them exactly where they should expect you to be every step of the journey, so they can raise the alarm if something happens to you?

… felt relieved when your company moved to WFH, because you could finally stop putting on a brave face at your desk while in agony on your period?

… worried about judgement from your colleagues when you say you're “feeling ill” a day or two every month?

... had a constant sick feeling in your stomach when out alone in your local area after dark, because you're afraid of being assaulted/mugged?

Please help me flesh out the list further! I’ve only scratched the surface, and I know there are so many more examples, relating to motherhood, career progression, DV, women’s health, general safety, all sorts. I want to rattle off this list next time someone dares suggest that “sex is irrelevant”.

Taken hormonal contraceptives for several years despite suffering side effects such as weight gain, headaches and mood swings because you mistakenly believe it is your responsibility alone (and XH didn’t like condoms.)

Been guilt tripped into joining the PTA and when I said firmly no, as I'm a single mother with a demanding job and limited childcare, having the chair hand-deliver the joining pack anyway.

Hiding in the toilet at work to cry because it's weak to show emotion.

Been pinned down and raped by a boyfriend because "you'd do it if you loved me"

Only run when it's light because women are more likely to get raped and murdered in the evening.

Not worn what I want to wear because I have to walk near a busy road and shorter skirts = embarrassing and unwanted attention

@Ireallymustgotobed

Taken hormonal contraceptives for several years despite suffering side effects such as weight gain, headaches and mood swings because you mistakenly believe it is your responsibility alone (and XH didn’t like condoms.)

Yes!!! Having to suffer acne, sickness, mood swings and weight gain because "it doesn't feel the same with condoms"

Been accosted in a hotel corridor by a client who assumed since he was going to be spending a lot of money with the company you worked for sex was part of the deal

Had junior colleagues assume it’s your job to wipe up the mess someone else made in the communal coffee area

Found first-time sex painful. Sex can still be painful.

Found walking slow and painful, due to SPD in pregnancy.

Been expected to recover from major abdominal surgery on a noisy, short-staffed ward full of patients and visitors. Oh, and been expected to care for a baby day and night, whilst struggling to get out of bed and having a large cannula in one hand.

Checked the back seats of your car to make sure no one is hiding there and only park in well lit areas, rather than nearest to where you need to be.

Been expected to get coffees for a meeting just because you have a vagina unlike your male lower rank colleagues.

Had to fight back from being dragged into a car full of strange men. In broad daylight. With your mate pulling you back like your a tug of war rope.

Been handed a single drink on a first date and not remembering how you ended up in bed with him as you didn't even like him that much and was going to make an excuse and leave.

And yes, decades of having to take pills that increase your risk of cancer or blood clots, give you terrible mood swings, depression, acne, weight gain, loss or increase of libido, just because the men don't like condoms.

Carry the keys as a weapon.
Check the reg of a passing van.
Scan your surroundings to see where you could go if attacked whilst out walking.
Faked a phonecall when walking alone.
Been repeatedly touched when out dancing and then met with surprise when it's not welcome.
Feel leering eyes on you.
Have men look at your breasts not at your face.

Oh just yesterday! Having to phone mum to chat because you're walking home alone in the dark. I've never seen a man have to do that for safety.

Just remembered one!

Getting sexually harassed by all and sundry when we took clients to an Oktoberfest thing.

I had blonde hair and was going but not wearing a dirndl.

Apart from all the stuff I got I thought. So this is the women's job then. To deliver beer to men and get sexually harassed.

Yelled with pain during cervical examinations.

Had your nipples painfully squeezed by different maternity support workers after giving birth, to try to extract colostrum.

Had spasms in your legs on a long-haul flight, because aircraft seats aren’t designed for short women and you couldn’t put your feet on the floor properly. This could have increased your risk of developing a DVT.

Developed melasma above your upper lip, and been embarrassed because it looked like the start of a moustache. The pill may have contributed to this condition.

Been asked at more than one job interview whether you are married or have children.

Been nice to a man who is being aggressive or intimidating so as not to further provoke them.

Being at an all girls school next to a park and it being a target for every male flasher in the area if they could find a break in the bushes

Having a man wank next to me on a tram and then feel angry at myself for not doing more - crazy

Counting forwards for holidays or big events to work out toilet arrangements and to see how awkward or immensely difficult they will be if your period coincides.

Being told your cervix is in an odd position in the smear test and thinking, well I know its up there somewhere and the options for alternative locations are limited

Have they ever had difficulty positioning a car seatbelt relative to breasts and neck? (Maybe just give him Invisible Women for serious problems of a worl designed for men?)

Had to take a couple of days off school every month or so because of dysmenorrhea so painful it makes you vomit?

Spent all of an O-level uncomfortable and worrying about leaking instead of concentrating on the sodding Nuns' Priest's Tale.

Regularly changing tube or train carriages when yours gets quieter at night so you are around other women. To get away from a man.

Not being able to
Go to the loo all day and being in agony as the country park, beach has closed loos and it’s assumed men will be all right and go in the bushes. Boys being allowed to wee in park etc when small and little girls being made to wait and not be naughty and wet yourself.

Yes to so many of these.

Having neighbours (all male) feel free to tell me i was really growing up, while looking at my chest. Most frequently between the ages of 12 and 16.

In my first office job trying to ignore the male colleague who kept telling filthy jokes really loudly from his desk to all of our other colleagues (also all male). Having to suck it up when the same male colleague was assigned to work on a prestigious project despite not being very good at his job. And getting handed a good chunk of the day to day work he was now too busy for on top of my own.

Coming back from maternity leave to be told that all the work I had done and the experience I had gained before I had my kids weren't enough to get me promoted to the next level. Even though it was accepted my performance was at that level already.

Having miscarriages, periods , giving birth, breast feeding, hormonal headaches, smear tests, breast scans, it's a lot! As women our bodies to through a lot! Menopause, . Feeling beaten up each time you had a baby! Being pregnant! Having the baby stretch inside you when they have hardly any room! Having a section. Actually having baby and to be just be expected to know what to do , because your a woman!

The classic men will expect you to move out of the way on the pavement or station. If you don’t move they will just walk right into you. Once you know it’s happening you seeing women weaving around all the time and men just I don’t know don’t give it a second thought. The only time I man may move out of the way is to half stand in the doorway to hold the door open and you are expected to squeeze past them.

Not sure if how to phrase it, but think it's pretty shitty that mothers' details aren't recorded on wedding certificates

Crossed the road when you're alone on a quiet street and you see a man walking towards you.

Turned around and pretended you meant to go in the opposite direction in order to keep your distance from a man on the street.

Tucked your hair in and worn the most masculine clothes you can find when going out for walks on your own (particularly during lockdown), in the hope that men will think you're a man and leave you alone.

Been told to smile by random strangers
Been hit painfully on the clitoris by a male student doctor inserting a speculum while surrounded by other male doctors with no pause for recovery
Been short of money for sanitary protection
Had feelings dismissed as hormonal
Had a doctor push their hand inside you to feel around and pull out bits of tissue to try and stop you bleeding so much
Had massive anxiety/depression dismissed as being 'down/upset' by medical professionals
Been frightened of drunk men
Hovered above seats in public toilets/pub toilets because they aren't clean
Been reluctant to change tampon when out because toilets have no soap or hot water to wash your hands before and after
Been judged for working full time/part time/being a stay at home parent
Been judged for breast feeding/formula feeding
Felt unsafe with male colleagues in a social situation
Had male colleagues comment on your size
Had contractors say they were waiting to for the 'man'
Had older professional males and company clients joke about your salary/role
Been afraid to be pregnant in a country with no abortion even for life threatening circumstances
Had medical professionals not explain their reasoning despite being asked
Had men being surprised you know anything about cars
Had men say you wouldn't want a big car like that
Been expected to remember birthdays etc even when male family members are not
Been expected to cook or clean when male family members are not
Been paid less at work than similarly qualified or experienced colleagues or worse, lesser qualified or experienced colleagues
Been accused of getting where you are because your boss has a crush on you
Been embarrassed by your friend's pervy Dad asking you if you know what some sexual terms mean

Being taken aside in reception of large hotel chain and told your room number quietly by a member of staff. As she knows announcing where a single women is staying could cause problems.

Being asked (by a male) who I’d slept with to get my disability parking permit at my university. Parking was so difficult to get there, so of course I’d “paid” for it - rather than having had to relearn to walk after multiple spinal surgeries.

@Graffitiqueen

Fainting after coil insertion.

And/Or:

Fainting after an excruciatingly painful coil removal that left me bleeding for 10 days.