Have you ever ... ? (Things women have to deal with, that men don't)

[EssenceOfDittany]

I had a conversation with a naive "be kind" sort of person (male) the other day at work, who casually came out with something about sex being basically irrelevant next to gender identity. I reminded him that the sole reason for women's oppression throughout history is biology, i.e. sex. Thankfully he revised his position pretty quickly and looked like he felt a bit silly for having said it in the first place. (I think he is also blissfully unaware of how controversial such a "belief" is these days, and was only parroting the thing about gender because he'd heard lots of other people say it.)

This got me thinking, I'd like to compile a list of some of the crappy things girls/women have to deal with in their everyday lives that men never/rarely do, so that when someone more set in their opinions says "sex is irrelevant", I can say "really? So, have you ever ... ?"

A few to start us off:

… spent the entire day with a jumper tied around your waste to hide the blood stain on your trousers when your period caught you off-guard?

… left a social gathering earlier than you wanted because you realised you didn’t have enough sanpro to get you through the evening?

… made an excuse to not go swimming when you’d like to, because you realise you haven’t done the requisite bikini/leg/armpit maintenance?

… spent hours painfully removing your pubic hair when you didn’t want to, because an intimate male partner told you it was disgusting and you didn't have the confidence to tell him to sod off?

… endlessly plucked/waxed/obsessed over your upper lip hair because it would be a disaster if someone realised that was your natural state?

… taken the route three times as long, just to avoid going down a short alley alone in the dark?

… clutched your keys between your fingers with the “blade” sticking outwards to make you feel like you might stand a chance if attacked by a man, since you know you’ll have no chance based on strength alone?

… asked a family member to track your location when you’re out alone, and told them exactly where they should expect you to be every step of the journey, so they can raise the alarm if something happens to you?

… felt relieved when your company moved to WFH, because you could finally stop putting on a brave face at your desk while in agony on your period?

… worried about judgement from your colleagues when you say you're “feeling ill” a day or two every month?

... had a constant sick feeling in your stomach when out alone in your local area after dark, because you're afraid of being assaulted/mugged?

Please help me flesh out the list further! I’ve only scratched the surface, and I know there are so many more examples, relating to motherhood, career progression, DV, women’s health, general safety, all sorts. I want to rattle off this list next time someone dares suggest that “sex is irrelevant”.

I am considering writing a book about this. One afternoon, I decided to write down every experience that had happened to me where I was physically in danger.

In one year - ONE - there were eight separate incidents.

Listen to someone raving about how my husband is ‘such a great father’ for doing the things that I do and have done since my children were born. He’s just being a dad, he’s not great for cooking their tea ffs.

Knowing that, in a professional setting, you consistently have to work twice as hard as any man at the same level, in order to gain the same amount of respect.
That every time you walk into a boardroom, there are people who expect you to fail and so you have to prove yourself over and over again no matter how long you have held a position and how many qualifications you have.
That your male counterpart can say that he hasn't had time to prepare a presentation and everyone will accept that as face value and as evidence that he is a very busy man. When you say the same thing, it is evidence that you are scatty, ditzy and not focused, or not cut out for, the job. In fact, because you know this will be the response, you have never, ever, got to a point where you are unprepared - even if it means working through the night.

When I wanted to be sterilised due to two horrific pregnancies and being asked well
What if you split up (with my husband) and marry again? What do you not understand about ‘I never want to be pregnant again?’ It’s not the mans choice whether I have another fucking baby.

Entering a relationship on an equal financial footing but, after having children, your DH out earns you by a factor of 10.
Felt/been trapped in an unhappy/ abusive relationship because you have children and gave up your financial security to do so.
Because, when discussing with your partner how you’ll care for those babies when you have them, the fact is that his career prospects/potential earnings long term are always going to be better than yours.
When the relationship ends (on his terms/timetable), being beholden to him and unable to fully express your feelings (even/especially when he’s treated you appallingly) in case he leaves you and your children destitute and homeless.

At work, on the floor stocking lower shelves, and having men say “while you’re down there” and thinking they’re funny and original.
They’re not.

Had someone masturbate “at” you while you were revising for an exam in a library.

Had someone show you his cock while you were on a tube train.
Not say anything because you didn’t want to alarm your mother, who was facing in the opposite direction.

Been told by your boss your nipples were visible. In a lift full of male colleagues and visitors with whom you were about to attend a meeting.

@onitlikeacarbonnet

At work, on the floor stocking lower shelves, and having men say “while you’re down there” and thinking they’re funny and original. They’re not.

FFS

That's just vile and shit, really.

Choosing clothes carefully, to take into consideration ...
period mishaps, looking ‘tarty’ looking ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ looking ‘appropriate’ for the work situation, dressing too old or too young, being worried about wether the ‘boob’ situation is appropriate etc etc

Can you imagine men having to care that much about their appearance and how they will be judged by it?

Having a random man grab your breasts on Oxford Street on a busy Saturday lunch time.
Being surrounded by a group of men on the tube who harass you so you are scared to get off.
Calling someone to talk to you on the way home from the tube when it’s late at night.
Having a male nurse tell you that you won’t faint if he takes blood from you and refusing to let you lie down (guess what sunshine I always faint having blood taken unless lying down) and then complaining when you do faint.
Having another male nurse ignore you when you say he won’t find a vein in your arm and will need to use a hand vein - several botched attempts in the arm later and massive bruises he finally tries the vein you told him would work all along. Women nurses trust that you know your own body and are helping them (in my experience).
All the shit (night sweats, not sleeping, weight gain) that comes with the menopause.

Oh and being told by a boyfriend not to wear a short skirt because you look like you’re on the pull.

Being told if you want to get on at work you need to wear more lipstick.

Spent money on a taxi home from an evening out even though it’s only 15 minutes walk home, then talked on the phone to your mate throughout the taxi journey because you know the company has a really bad reputation for their drivers sexually assaulting women.

Had to watch your drink like a hawk/take your drink to the toilet with you/keep your hand over your drink so it doesn’t get spiked.

Been unable to just sit and chat with your female friend/s on an evening out without having men trying to butt in/come and sit with you, then being sworn at and called names when you politely ask to be left alone.

Had a man grab you around the waiste and move you out of his way.

I could go on, obviously. On, and on, and on...

Being told how to drive my train better by a man on a platform. Incidentally he was very wrong and had no clue what he was taking about but that didn’t stop him. Not one of my male colleagues has experienced similar, but all of the female ones have.

Give birth
Breastfeed
Be in excruciating pain, rolling around in agony type pain, because of my period
Been told I shouldn't wear heels because I'm too tall
Been told I could wear men's clothes when they don't do women's trousers long enough for me
Be confused for a man ....

Having your hand shoved down a mans pants in a nightclub. Having them trying to put there hands in yours. People being surprised I’m intelligent. Being expected by other people to be grateful to my husband for parenting his own children

Former female manager telling us we don’t look professional without heels and lipstick

Total aside, but boohoo - you drive a train!!! Starry-eyed envy.

It being the assumption that you'll take the minutes in any meeting that you attend, despite not being a PA or secretary.

Being hyper-vigilant when out at night, or when walking in broad daylight but on a quiet path.

Checking your backseat before you get in the car.

Being told that I wasn't successful in an internal interview as I was of the age group where I'd go off and have a family.

Actually making an unconscious decision to let myself get fatter to avoid unwanted attention from, and awkward situations with, men.

Crossing the road when walking to check if I'm being followed.

Being knocked back for jobs (after interviewing brilliantly) when they discover I’ve had a few years of SAHM. Interesting how often they mention that they are ‘worried about’ my ‘availability’, and try to commiserate with me about ‘how much I have on my plate’.

When l was pregnant, l suffered with morning sickness til week 25 and there was a certain topic that always made me throw up. The men in the office l worked with used to talk about it constantly because they found it hilarious watching me run to the loo to be sick. Twats.

When I was 17, a man in his 30s started talking to me on the bus. He moved seats to sit by me (so I was trapped) and was trying to chat me up. I was trying to be polite so I didn't piss him off, but telling him no I'm not interested. I got to my stop and he followed me off the bus. It was broad daylight in the middle of town, but I was petrified he would do something to me. Got to the pub, met my friends, I was shaking and terrified. My male friend said, 'Well you are a very smiley person, you probably led him on.'

Feeling absolutely bone-tired and achy for 4 days every month.

Feeling uncomfortable if I have to walk past a group of men.

Feeling uncomfortable if a group of men in a pub start to get rowdy.

Being perved at by grown men from early teens onwards.

Getting groped in pubs and clubs when you're just minding your own business and trying to have a fun night.

Having things shouted at you by men in cars and vans.

Feeling ashamed and embarrassed by your developing body.

Bleeding through sanitary towels and tampons and the embarrassment and shame it causes.

Being judged on your looks so much more than men.

Being given 100% responsibility for looking after my (our!) children.

Being given 100% responsibility for looking after my (our!) elderly parent.