From now on, I was in an LGBTQ+ family’: my husband came out as trans while I was on maternity leave

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www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jan/02/from-now-on-i-was-in-an-lgbtq-family-my-husband-came-out-as-trans-while-i-was-on-maternity-leave

The way she has chosen is getting her lots of strokes, approval and friendship of the #bekind crowd. I can't wait to see all the writers I know who are well down the rabbit hole falling over themselves to endorse the book...sigh.

The way she has chosen also keeps her ex on board and therefore maintain a family-unit. I get that.

But does she actually believe her husband now has a pretty little lady-brain just like her, (and not like other men) or is it that she daren't let herself think anything else?

@EdgeOfACoin

I found the cognitive dissonance in that article startling.

She goes into detail about her difficulties conceiving and the toll that pregnancy and breastfeeding has taken on her body.

Yet the fact that her partner likes to wear foundation and shave their legs is apparently sufficient to make them a woman. And the writer berates herself in that final paragraph for previously having had an overly narrow view of womanhood.

The strange thing is, in the beginning her partner seems to have embraced the idea that a man could shave his legs and wear makeup, yet still be a man.

It's a really odd article. I wonder whether the writer believes what she is saying deep down.

Yeah I wondered this. Is she really happy or is she fooling herself? Though I was rather pleased to see she didn't question her own sexuality and decide she must be a lesbian now. She accepts that that same sex attraction is something you either have, or don't.

My DS14 came out as bisexual recently simply because his girlfriend became transgender. He'd had no previous same sex attraction, but had to relabel himself to fit into their new reality.

Cannot stop laughing @ Bellend Curve

After all, my openness, my concern for D, and my lack of judgment about the multitude of ways a person can identify had created the space in which D had finally been able to speak the truth about herself. Sure, it had come at the expense of my marriage; but it was becoming clear that this spirit of openness was the only viable means of survival for the long-term health of this little family

"Spirt of openess" just means "being forced to accept the new situation without a choice in the matter". She sacrificed everything just so the husband could feel happy? Isn't that just the way women have lived though for all time, putting our own happiness and healthy mind aside for the sake of men and what the man wants, what will make HIM feel happy? I mean, we're used to it, shame he couldn't have grasped that and instead of subjecting HER to months of mind torture wondering why had her husband been crying whilst she'd been out, why had he started to not make eye contact etc, he could've perhaps sacrificed himself for his little family. But no. Of course not.

@Helmetbymidnight

The way she has chosen is getting her lots of strokes, approval and friendship of the #bekind crowd. I can't wait to see all the writers I know who are well down the rabbit hole falling over themselves to endorse the book...sigh.

The way she has chosen also keeps her ex on board and therefore maintain a family-unit. I get that.

But does she actually believe her husband now has a pretty little lady-brain just like her, (and not like other men) or is it that she daren't let herself think anything else?

From Amazon:

A brave, thoughtful and timely book calming and inspiring on our different relationships with our bodies, and vitally compassionate on trans rights Naomi Alderman

Insightful and wise, generous and kind -- David Nicholls

A treatise on empathy and grace in extraordinary circumstances -- Jojo Moyes

It took my breath away . . . It's such a beautiful book, so full of compassion and kindness even in its furious honesty . . . You are going to love it ― Bryony Gordon

A book about how a personal crisis caused someone to open up rather than shut down . . . really admirable and carefully done . . . on bodies, families, gender identity, bravery -- Amy Liptrot

This memoir is going to change a lot of people's lives, and I think it's going to change the conversation -- Damian Barr ― Big Scottish Book Club

Wise, kind, funny, sad and beautifully written. Everyone who occupies a human body should read it -- Erin Kelly

The most moving and real account of a person's relationship with their body I have ever read... A book with a wild, deep, joyous, tender love of people at its heart -- Emma Jane Unsworth

Fabulous . . . Sensitively and cleverly written . . . remarkable -- Judy Murray

A much needed clarion call for greater empathy, compassion and respect for humanity -- Daisy Buchanan

This memoir is going to change a lot of people's lives, and I think it's going to change the conversation: Damian Barr ― Big Scottish Book Club

I wonder how much involvement Barr had? Friend of AH and the man who led the campaign to have the Baroness removed as VP of the Booker Prize for alleged "homophobia" (although it's much more likely that he took against the Baroness because of her views on. Gender ideology). It transpires he has said transphobic things in the past:

www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-53276425

@MrsBobDylan

Her writing comes across as her mulling over s ideas and grasping for those which justify what has happened so she can still love her husband.

She isn't ready to move in from the relationship and certainly isn't ready to write a book on accepting a trans man.

What her partner has done is horrific. She struggled for years to have a baby and just as he enters the world he eclipses the sun with his 'big realization'. What a fucking selfish arsehole.

All of this ^

My DS14 came out as bisexual recently simply because his girlfriend became transgender. He'd had no previous same sex attraction, but had to relabel himself to fit into their new reality.

Story of our times, sadly. Labels are pointless because they no longer indicate anything about the contents.

@themiserychick

A few months ago I discovered that my partner had been taking hormones (bought off the internet from overseas) to become a woman while I was 7 months pregnant with our second son. So I found myself relating to what she was going through.

But then there was the "and we all lived happily ever after!" and the rhetoric that the trans woman is more important than the trauma they put you through because they're being their authentic self. It's pushed so hard, that's why I've found myself here and in GC spaces.

Such a familiar story. Sending positivity and strength.

I’m not a transwidow myself, but I can guarantee (through first hand experience) that there is a fuck of a lot of life to live beyond marriage.

Hope you and your sons had a great Xmas/holiday period - you are all they need, I promise you.

❤️

At least she managed to find a way out of the relationship. I know someone whose husband did this to her whilst she had a new baby. She is very unhappy but feels obliged to be supportive to her spouse (who is not being supportive of her). She thinks it would be transphobic to leave and blames herself for not being supportive enough.

Alexandra has managed to end the relationship and having a positive co-parrying relationship.

I was hoping there would be a thread about this on MN.

I admired AH for a long time. I think she's an excellent writer and seems to be an intelligent woman and a good mother. What she's had to live through is tragic and horrible. I remember reading, on Instagram, her first post on her husband's decision to transition. It was incredibly moving.

I found this extract from her book profoundly depressing. Why can't she see the false equivalence she's making between her awful biology-based experiences and her ex's dysphoria? As someone mentioned above, after all her previous writing about the female experience, does she really believe in a lady-brain??

Couldn't she have found a way to accommodate her ex's new circumstances into their family life without completely swallowing the Kool-Aid? Cognitive dissonance sums it up.

I followed her on social media for a while until the JKR pronouncement and at one point she reported that her mother had said to her, "It's like you've joined a cult."

Yes, you have. You've joined a cult.

at one point she reported that her mother had said to her, "It's like you've joined a cult.

Oh, my word. to her mother.

It's a really odd article. I wonder whether the writer believes what she is saying deep down.

How the fuck can she?

I just can't wait for this to be over.

• and my best wishes to the women on here who've experienced the same. The gaslighting sounds so unbelievably difficult, and cruel.

That is just such a navel gazing piece of tosh. It read likes she's thrown random paragraphs down in a sort of chronological order. I do feel sorry for her though.

Do many women still consider themselves a family with their husbands when they've separated from them? I don't know any who do

I think there's a fair amount of cognitive dissonance going on on this thread with all the outpouring of sympathy. I've re- read the article. It's still narcissistic Cool Girl gets her come- uppance but cashes in on it.

This from Twitter thread is particularly obnoxious.

Alexandra Heminsley

Oct 27, 2020

^My son had his vaccination boosters today and I made a “white male fragility
” joke to the nurse when he cried and she clearly thought I was the worst mother ever born and now I must never get ill again I’m case I have to go back^

I think it's possible to look at the long list of traumatic experiences AH has had, the people in her circle, the industry she works in and to understand why she is behaving as she is. I don't agree with her, but I can see why it's happened.

I'm capable of extending sympathy and compassion to someone whose views I disagree with.

@DidoLamenting

I think there's a fair amount of cognitive dissonance going on on this thread with all the outpouring of sympathy. I've re- read the article. It's still narcissistic Cool Girl gets her come- uppance but cashes in on it.

This from Twitter thread is particularly obnoxious.

Alexandra Heminsley

Oct 27, 2020

^My son had his vaccination boosters today and I made a “white male fragility
” joke to the nurse when he cried and she clearly thought I was the worst mother ever born and now I must never get ill again I’m case I have to go back^

Of course (apparently) if her husband's mother had said the same to D (or whatever the hell it is) about "not being a big girl; crying like that", she would have been wrong in the light of History, because she was telling a female (apparently) child not to be a girl.

In other words, isn't that tweet making assumptions about asigned (ahem) sex?

Cheez.

Oh. And when did it become OK to put someone down for being White, when you yourself a one too?

I don't think she deserves sympathy. It's not a question of whether I agree or disagree with her. She comes across as vain, self- centred and narcissistic.

For five agonising minutes, the nurses had him while I lay there – naked, numbed, immobile – waiting to begin the mothering

5 minutes - Big bloody deal. I had a cesarean section. I can't imagine being so full of my own self- importance to come up with that mindset at that moment.

Her joke at the expense of the pain and fright her son experienced at his vaccination is pathetic- she has to play the cool girl at every opportunity. I feel sorry for her child, not her.

I think she deserves sympathy because her husband put her in an impossible situation in which he didn't support her during her first year of motherhood. Instead he made it all about him.

I agree with Arabella and Hecate (I must ask - are you the original Hecate??).

I wonder what her views are on TW in sport, considering all of her previous writing and her close relationship with Judy Murray?

@squeaver

I agree with Arabella and Hecate (I must ask - are you the original Hecate??).

I wonder what her views are on TW in sport, considering all of her previous writing and her close relationship with Judy Murray?

I'm not! I didn't realise there was another one until I was searching for a thread I thought I'd posted on and came across a Hecate posting in 2009.

Squeaver yes I wondered about that too. The cognitive dissonance is head melting.

I remember reading her account of her mum in her first book, she seemed really kind and tough and funny. They're a military family I think. Her daughter has indeed joined a cult but as she's so firmly embedded in the arts/media/literary world she's in a hard place.

@HecatesCats Ah, no worries! Just funny when a name you remember pops up.

I think my personal feelings about her are closer to exasperation than they are to sympathy, especially after reading that tweet about asking her ex for permission to tell her own story in her own words.
But women who are trying to protect their children or hold a family together often do go to extreme lengths, be it excusing the inexcusable, forming unhealthy alliances and even throwing other women under the bus.
That's my take on it anyway, so no I don't exactly sympathise but I do get it.