From now on, I was in an LGBTQ+ family’: my husband came out as trans while I was on maternity leave

[Defaultname]

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jan/02/from-now-on-i-was-in-an-lgbtq-family-my-husband-came-out-as-trans-while-i-was-on-maternity-leave

this body doesn’t represent who I am

But ... but this body is who I am. It's an odd way of looking at things, isn't it? If one isn't one's body, who is one? I presume it's some kind of 'soul/essence' idea, akin to supernatural religious ideas? I suppose that's how the whole 'wrong body' thing operates, too. Find it all a bit illogical myself, but hey ho.

[potters off to muse on Cartesian duality and the possibility of nominating someone else's body, perhaps Uma Thurman's, as my representative]

It sounds like she's had a really tough time but she and her family have found a way through that works for them.

I realise I am a cynic but it reads as though she has had an awful lot going on, a lot of appointments and attention and heartache... and a lot of it uniquely connected to her being a woman. Is he feeling a bit left out? He wouldn't be the first man to be put out by the shift in everyone's focus when a baby arrives, and in this case there was a hell of a lot going on before baby's arrival.
The DNA part I don't know what to make of.

AH has been through traumatic experiences and has then had to process her partner's transition post birth. I think she is being particularly kind to that person, but she needs effective psychological support herself and I hope she is getting it. Her article is extremely contradictory and perhaps that is because it is an abridged excerpt, but it's hard to gloss over the weight of the experience brought to bear by her female biology (which she cannot change) and the superficial nature of her partner's womanhood. It is so glaring, I think perhaps she does see it herself.

it's hard to gloss over the weight of the experience brought to bear by her female biology (which she cannot change) and the superficial nature of her partner's womanhood. It is so glaring

Hm. I wonder who edited it?

@MyVisionsComeFromScent

quite impressed that the article was in the Grauniad though, it definitely wasn't the rah rah rah cheerleader isn't it all so wonderful article I'd have expected from them

I read it as the total opposite. The poor woman has internalised misogyny to the point that she cannot allow herself to admit how badly her partner behaved.. Her partner appropriated womanhood at the very moment that the author, as a pregnant woman, was most obviously biologically female. It's a turf (not Te*f) war, but she can't allow herself to see it.

And she feels compelled atone for her act of heresy (divorcing a TW) by denouncing the 'anti-trans' feminists who might try to point out her cognitive dissonance.

I find it a lot sadder and more disturbing than the usual Disneyfied trans spouse narratives in the Guardian about how lovely it is buying make up together.

@Floisme

I think I had better keep to myself my opinion of someone who would come out as trans when their wife has just done something that only a female can do.

Twas ever thus Since the dawn of time men have been trying to usurp the uniquely female ability to reproduce. Even in the bible woman had to be born of man; Eve from Adam's rib. It's not new

Because reproduction gives women the ultimate power; maternity is always secure (i.e. it is always clear who the child's mother is) but paternity can never be.

@DaysAreGettingLongerNow

It's not actually an article, it's an excerpt from her latest book.

I read the first one she wrote (I think it was the first), about running. I enjoyed it. This one doesn't sound like my thing though.

It's an odd time to be promoting a book that's got 'stocking-filler' written all over it. Didn't they discontinue Book Tokens years ago? Lovely getting one at Christmas!

She has been treated appallingly. Gone through several extremely difficult life events in a very short space of time and he obviously couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention any more.

^^ Exactly what I felt too!

I heard AH speak at a book event before all of this and she was warm, funny, engaging and seemingly happy. This article makes me so sad. I don't feel this book is her true voice (at least not from these excerpts) and I worry that she has had to bury her true emotions. Being based in Brighton (Damian Barrland) she is completely caught up in the whole LGBTQ world and will be unable to do anything except affirm her "allyship." She sounds so lonely, lost and sad. I can't believe she hasn't felt angry after all she's been through and yet she still seems to be focused on her partner's problems and transition.

Aargh - quote fail - I was saying I agreed with @Floisme@s post of 16:30:35

@mintkoala

I found this odd: 'And it showed me that when I used to speak about “the average woman”, it was a lazy, self-reflective assumption: we bled, we fed, we bred. I would sit happily discussing the books I had written, all the while perpetuating the idea of “woman” as white, fertile, able-bodied, straight, cis.'

Does anyone really think that only white women are women, or that disabled women aren't women? This comes up so often that I wonder whether some people do actually feel this on some level.

I read the article and found the writer every bit as selfish and narcissistic as her spouse probably is. I can't be bothered re- reading it but there were several "me,me,me, I'm sooo not like other girls" points in it even before the big revelation.

The comment you have highlighted is so beyond stupid I can't be bothered analysing it.

The final sentence isn’t a typo. Mean is a specific alternative for the word average.

“.... shift the mean” as in shift the average.

Perhaps together we can shift the perception of what is considered average.

@Floisme

I've read it twice now. Not only had she just given birth, she had experienced multiple miscarriage, failed rounds of IVF, a sexual assault while pregnant, a hazardous labour and then struggled to breastfeed. Imagine going through all that and then have your husband announce, 'I'm a woman too.' I feel so angry on her behalf.

This

The poor woman has internalised misogyny to the point that she cannot allow herself to admit how badly her partner behaved..

Really? That's what you got from it? I didn't find her in the least bit a sympathetic character. I can't be bothered to re- read it but she came across as narcissistic and self- regarding from the outset. So far as her misogyny- she certainly is misogynistic in it came across quite clearly that she thinks she's better than ordinary, biring women but why do have to make an excuse that she has internalised misogyny as opposed to her just being unpleasant?

@JustAmotherOne

The final sentence isn’t a typo. Mean is a specific alternative for the word average.

“.... shift the mean” as in shift the average.

Perhaps together we can shift the perception of what is considered average.

Ah thanks for that.

I was thinking only a few days ago about how I've never understood the difference between a mean (and/or median?), an average, and whatever the third one is. If there is a third one.

To use the author's example:

If one woman has a penis of say eight inches, but her three fellow lesbians don't have one between them, would it to be right to say that the average girl's penile length is two inches? Or is that just the mean? Or is it (if you'll pardon the expression) bollocks?

"and it showed me that when I used to speak about “the average woman”, it was a lazy, self-reflective assumption: we bled, we fed, we bred. I would sit happily discussing the books I had written, all the while perpetuating the idea of “woman” as white, fertile, able-bodied, straight, cis."
There is some serious internalised misogyny going on here - she seriously thought that women just bleed, feed, and breed? I'm sorry, I don't believe her. I don't believe for one second she had an 'idea' that women couldn't be black, or infuriate, or disabled, or lesbian. I'm honestly supposed to believe that this woman excluded people from the category of 'woman' if they happened to be bisexual, or couldn't have kids? No way. That's bizarre.

@mintkoala

I found this odd: 'And it showed me that when I used to speak about “the average woman”, it was a lazy, self-reflective assumption: we bled, we fed, we bred. I would sit happily discussing the books I had written, all the while perpetuating the idea of “woman” as white, fertile, able-bodied, straight, cis.'

Does anyone really think that only white women are women, or that disabled women aren't women? This comes up so often that I wonder whether some people do actually feel this on some level.

This idea of “woman” as white, fertile, able-bodied, straight, cis is pure misogyny borne out of wokey, intersectional, identity politics claptrap. She has internalised the misogyny.

It's the same as white male privilege, how white males are to blame for the world's problems. Now, it's white women who are are the default women, who lack insight to the struggles of the less powerful. White women who should check their privilege.

I think she's experiencing the aftermath of trauma Dido. I can't imagine having to deal with that sort of behaviour by a partner after the heartbreak of infertility, a pregnancy full of anxiety and then the fallout of childbirth (a first child especially, which is a time of huge readjustment). I think you minimise the female experience if you can't see how selfish her partner's behaviour was in that context. I think her coping strategy is to admonish herself and other women rather than her partner (can imagine it wouldn't go down hugely well in her local community in Brighton if she did the opposite).

Each to their own Hecate but I found her thoroughly unpleasant throughout that article.

She and her husband both bristled at gender stereotypes yet here she is toeing the ultimate woke gender stereotype line.

God that was hard to read. I really could not bring myself to more than skim it. I don’t feel compassion for her. I feel infuriated that another woman could go through so much and still sell me down the river.

I knew it was Brighton or thereabouts when she mentioned crying at the seafront at the start. Funny how these men all cluster in the same places, do they move there because they know it's more accepting or do they encourage each other on seeing others do it?

I supose if you list you achievements, the good deeds you do everyday, the tolerance you display, it's one thing.

If you finish with "Anyone who doesn't do that is a shit" you'll then alienate quite a bit of your audience.

I just don't think she's in a very good place. Her writing is bursting with pain. I think it's an incorrect and misogynistic conclusion (misogyny that is internalised as well as directed at other women), but I do feel sympathy for her.