From now on, I was in an LGBTQ+ family’: my husband came out as trans while I was on maternity leave

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www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jan/02/from-now-on-i-was-in-an-lgbtq-family-my-husband-came-out-as-trans-while-i-was-on-maternity-leave

Given 'what' she's written

@Floisme

Honestly what kind of person watches their wife go through miscarriage, pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding and then concludes that they must be a woman too? And what kind of people cheer them on? I know I'm repeating myself but I just can't get over it.

I thought the writing re: infertility, birth and the postpartum body was pretty moving.

And the ‘and they all lived happily ever after’ bit made no sense at all, in context. Like two completely different women’s stories tacked together for no reason at all.
The second half is much less sincere. I don’t think the author believes it herself really.
I hope the she has access to a good therapist, and not just couples counselling either.

I wonder how the dynamic will change if/when she starts seeing a new chap? One that sees her as a whole person and not a vessel for child carrying?

"We were unconventional."
Right.
I was waiting for the discovery of lesbian porn that he's been bashing it out to all through her miscarriage and pregnancy and shingles but maybe she went through all this and continues to go through all this with her eyes wide shut.
The cognitive dissonance must be searing.
By the time her kid is old enough to read HP the court cases will have mounted.

She's now getting grief for describing her ex as her husband? Good grief. That is the legal, factual term.

What would they prefer she used?

Or would it best if she just shut up altogether, we know TRAs prefer women not to talk about themselves unless they are Special Women? Is it a bit of jealousy that there was just too much focus on the woman and not enough on the Bravery of the Special Woman? Only trans people are allowed to talk about trans issues, of course. Look at Amanda Knox et al, female allies are only tolerated to an extent before the misogyny rears up again.

Leave her the fuck alone and let her heal fgs. You're supposed to be her 'rainbow family', so for once you could just do a bit of supporting and putting of someone else's needs first, instead of picking at her usage of factually accurate and neutral terms.

Not only had she just given birth, she had experienced multiple miscarriage, failed rounds of IVF, a sexual assault while pregnant, a hazardous labour and then struggled to breastfeed. Imagine going through all that and then have your husband announce, 'I'm a woman too.'

Thanks,Floisme, for making the clear and simple point that the author didn't manage to reach in 4,000 words. All those shattering female experiences made not the slightest impression on her husband -- because he knows what being a woman really is.

And now she is being a good support human to this narcissist. I join you in not cheering

This sums this whole frightening shit show up perfectly. PERFECTLY.

I can't think of any experience of pregnancy and breastfeeding that wouldn't involve giving up in some way your sense of self, and it sounds as though AH's experience was on the more difficult end of the scale. To go through all of that and be told that your partner didn't feel their body was really them - well.

It just reads as though she is desperately trying to keep things together, as many women do, for the sake of her child.

Her ex is clearly prioritising only one person. Plus ca change.

dianebrewster Very clear description of the differences, but can I just be a little bit nitpick-y about one point:-

If we are told the average wage, in an industry, is £50k because they are using mean average and include the v high earners, that's quite different to finding out most employees are actually on £30k - modal average.

In most statistics you see about wages, for example from the ONS, it's actually the median that is given.

The reason that the mode isn't used particularly for wages is that the mode for wages will usually be very much lower than the median.

This is a chart from the ONS of distribution of hourly earnings for all employees in the UK.

You'll see that the largest number (ie the mode) is right down at the minimum wage level.

The median hourly earnings for all employees (full time and part time) was £13.24 and for full time only was £15.68.

So you can see that from that chart there is a big difference between mode - which is minimum wage - and median which is £13.24 for all employees.

Sorry, this one shows more clearly the very long tail of high earners

It just reads as though she is desperately trying to keep things together, as many women do, for the sake of her child.

It is also clear from social media that amongst her friends are numerous vocal trans advocates and that she would also face being very out of kilter with her group if she were to be too critical of or reject her partner as a 'woman'. As you say and to paraphrase Arabella she's doing what she can to raise a small child and not fall apart. I think setting herself against the prevailing views of her social group would compound any loneliness and isolation. It's probably easier to believe and fully embrace the woo woo and make that the starting point for the LGBTQ+ family, which I suppose feels more empowering than admitting you've been treated appallingly.

Poor woman. I really think she needs to cut loose and put her own needs first for a change. She should move out of the wokerati capital of Brighton - perhaps to a smaller town north in Sussex, so she can still access some friends and presumably allow child contact for her ex-partner, but somewhere which will allow her to recover her own life and perhaps form new relationships.
I wonder if she has any GC friends who have taken her to one side, given her a big hug and said, “you know you don’t have to go along with all this shit, right?”

@nickymanchester

Sorry, this one shows more clearly the very long tail of high earners

Thanks @nickymanchester - should have chosen a different example to wages 😏😉

Look at the conversation AH is having to have re: the use of the word “husband” in the article’s title/headline

Oh FFS! This is Ms Heminsley's story - her story, and a transman is trying to police AH's telling of her story.

Unbelievable.

"and a transman is trying to police AH's telling of her story."

AH's experience - that she chose to marry a man - must be suppressed.

Ironically the only thing that mitigates her ex's actions at all is the suggestion of confusion. Take away confusion and you are left only with narcissism and deceit.

I wonder if she has any GC friends who have taken her to one side, given her a big hug and said, “you know you don’t have to go along with all this shit, right?”

Having a look on her bird feed, I suspect she has quite a few prominent trans friends. And is quite firm with any suggestion from anyone she considers anti trans.

I suspect she has a great deal invested in this in all aspects of the word. She very much knows the repercussions of stepping out of line, if she even wanted to.

I feel sorry for this woman as I would for anyone in her position but I'm exasperated by her throwing other women under the bus to cling on to her self-destructive gender beliefs and preserve her cognitive dissonance.

I can never change the anti-trans sentiment that some cling to

How about you worry about your own unhealthy "sentiments", love. No need to concern yourself with other people's beliefs.

Thanks to everyone for explaining the difference between mean, average, median, mode,etc.
As I now understand the last lines of the article,

"By accepting my body for what it is, and all women’s bodies for what they are. I am average, we are average. Perhaps together we can shift the mean."

she's suggesting that all the statistics wirh regard to women's achievements in sports (about which she's written a book), their representation in parliament, their incomes, etc. can be beefed up by tweeking the definition of 'women' to include men. It's a sort of shifting of the Bellend Curve.

Bell* curve Lol!

I feel sorry for this woman as I would for anyone in her position but I'm exasperated by her throwing other women under the bus to cling on to her self-destructive gender beliefs and preserve her cognitive dissonance.

"He just gets under my feet if he isn't playing golf".

"Really I'm choosing not to spend my time at the pub - we both get to do what we want to do and I really like housework"

"Oh I don't mind - I'm happy at home with the children - I know I'm more important than those other women".

Nothing new about cognitive dissonance.

Nothing new about cognitive dissonance

No, I agree.

she's suggesting that all the statistics wirh regard to women's achievements in sports (about which she's written a book), their representation in parliament, their incomes, etc. can be beefed up by tweeking the definition of 'women' to include men. It's a sort of shifting of the Bellend Curve.

Her writing comes across as her mulling over s
ideas and grasping for those which justify what has happened so she can still love her husband.

She isn't ready to move in from the relationship and certainly isn't ready to write a book on accepting a trans man.

What her partner has done is horrific. She struggled for years to have a baby and just as he enters the world he eclipses the sun with his 'big realization'. What a fucking selfish arsehole.

the Bellend Curve.