From now on, I was in an LGBTQ+ family’: my husband came out as trans while I was on maternity leave

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www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jan/02/from-now-on-i-was-in-an-lgbtq-family-my-husband-came-out-as-trans-while-i-was-on-maternity-leave

I agree, Hecates. My heart really ached for her throughout. She's had several traumatic experiences, topped off with the breakdown of her marriage when she most needed support, and is now supposed to celebrate that?

As I said, I hope she has good, strong, sensible people around her. And that magistrate can get fucked, too.

As I said, I hope she has good, strong, sensible people around her. And that magistrate can get fucked

Hear, hear

What a strange article. I was struck by the absolute raw pain and misery expressed in the first part of the article, much of it about the trauma of new motherhood; then near the end all that anger suddenly turns to something much more smooth and subdued.

When you focus a camera manually you go a little bit past the focus then go back. I feel as if that is what's happening here. She found all these reasons for feminism: the assault and the judges response, the bad care, the unique problems caused by our bodies and she embraced it but too far - she wants to include everyone. In time she will dial it back and realise that she has not focused and you need to be. She will realise that being so open promotes misogyny and that feminism and making things better for women means you cannot centre males as she is doing.

I've not explained it very well but she has so many reasons to be angry- she just needs to figure out who to be angry at.

I agree it's an infuriating read, and the irony that the writer would probably take her partner's side against us has not escaped me. But I don't think my sympathies are the most important thing here.
The bigger point for me is that this has to be the most breathtaking act of appropriation that I've seen in a very long time.

Good lord, the selfishness of her ex-H. She's going through IVF, birth, shingles etc etc etc, and he's just focused on himself.

I can't help but see this as a same old, same old predictable story. Except that instead of the husband having an affair, he decides he's "really" a woman. It's just such a typical boring predictable thing for a man to do - his wife's attention is drawn away from him, so he does something to reinforce to himself that really, the world still revolves around him.

Men can be so disappointing sometimes ...

I was struck by this : And while he (the magistrate) was sure I intended to be a reliable witness, as I was pregnant, I must have been in a heightened emotional state. Something about the ludicrousness of that judgment freed up a little space in my mind; I felt a kinship with D, at being told your undeniable reality is simply not the truth.

Her 'undeniable reality' WAS true - and could have been verified by witnesses on the carriage, the same cannot be claimed for D's. How sad that this was her conclusion rather than that just like the magistrate, D is telling her that her undeniable reality (in this case, of her womanhood) is not the truth.

We both bristled at the borders of gender stereotypes. I wanted women to be liberated enough to be as strong and powerful as they wanted, untethered from ragged old notions of femininity. Anatomy is not destiny, I would tell anyone who listened. Meanwhile, D bucked against equally tatty old suppositions about masculinity, had a largely androgynous wardrobe, and was far better at housework than me. Sure, I did all the cooking (it was a passion), but perhaps this was finally the sort of gender equality I had longed for.

This para sums it up for me. Being strong and powerful is not the same as being equal in society. An 'androgynous wardrobe' - so a normal one devoid of codpieces?
And 'better at housework' - so wow, he must be a real woman if he's good at housework right? But cool, she reclaims her womanhood with the cooking.
Turns out you can write an entire book about the physical and emotional hardships of being female and still succumb to the desire to prioritise a male.

this has to be the most breathtaking act of appropriation that I've seen in a very long time.

It really is Floisme

Binglebong I thought you explained it well. You do often witness people getting really close to the nub of it and then pulling back/changing focus.

The poor woman. You'd think that just for a few months after she'd been through all that, her husband could have supported HER. What a total shit.

I've never seen how clearly it is about re-centering the male ego and running away from the responsibilities of being an adult man. Without assuming any of the support human role assigned to females.

She so almost gets it, and then boom - she's pathetically grateful that the father still does some parenting, and she is willing to suck up almost anything to keep it all nice for her child.

We both bristled at the borders of gender stereotypes. I wantedwomen to be liberated enough to be as strong and powerful as they wanted, untethered from ragged old notions of femininity. Anatomy is not destiny, I would tell anyone who listened. Meanwhile, D bucked against equally tatty old suppositions about masculinity, had a largely androgynous wardrobe, andwas far better at housework than me. Sure,I did all the cooking(it was a passion), but perhaps this was finally the sort of gender equality I had longed for

That is one of the "me, me, me, look at me, I'm so not like the other girls" paragraphs I found extremely annoying.

It's a load of tosh. The first part about wanting to be liberated, blah, blah, blah might have been novel thinking 100 years ago but for anyone born after say 1959 (picked as it's my birth year) it's no more than I would expect from anyone with half a working brain. Except her own thought process of putting it into action is pretty poor- why should she be surprised her husband is better at housework than her?

Then there is the utter nonsense about her husband's "largely androgynous" wardrobe - so basically the same as any other man who isn't required to wear a formal suit

@redsplodge

I was struck by this : And while he (the magistrate) was sure I intended to be a reliable witness, as I was pregnant, I must have been in a heightened emotional state. Something about the ludicrousness of that judgment freed up a little space in my mind; I felt a kinship with D, at being told your undeniable reality is simply not the truth.

Her 'undeniable reality' WAS true - and could have been verified by witnesses on the carriage, the same cannot be claimed for D's. How sad that this was her conclusion rather than that just like the magistrate, D is telling her that her undeniable reality (in this case, of her womanhood) is not the truth.

I saw this too. The (male) who assaulted her told her she had been wrong, the (male) magistrate told her she was probably wrong and yet she cannot see how her husband telling her that the reality she had seen for years was also wrong, is just following the same pattern.

I hope she has support.

@Thelnebriati

As a trans widow I found it common for AGP partners to lose interest after you give birth (or even during late stages of pregnancy), because you no longer fulfil the fantasy. Its distressing to realise that up until that point you were the focus of their attention as part of their paraphilia, not because they loved you.

I felt like it was a jumble of different painful experiences and a need to pull them together into a cogent argument, that is unconvincing even to her.

The whole book maybe less so, but I did feel this was a rag-bag of painful situations. I thought it was fairly self-pitying in some ways, and in other ways, not quite quite self-pitying enough (about the husband)

instead of the husband having an affair, he decides he's "really" a woman

No idea whether the man in question had lifelong dysphoria, or a gradual deepening of attraction to himself as a female, but if the latter it's almost a kind of affair with the self, isn't it?

If she’s really saying that she used to think black women weren’t women, and disabled women weren’t women, then she’s admitting to a really astonishing and deranged racism & contempt for disabled people. She would have been utterly off her head.
In reality of course she didn’t think this for a minute. (Surely?) What I don’t understand is why she is claiming she did.

Damian Barr who made that awful joke about the trans person who had attempted suicide? 'Tittering sickly' Damian Barr?

You need better friends, love.

What I don’t understand is why she is claiming she did.

Because she's bought into the ideology.

@HecatesCats

What I don’t understand is why she is claiming she did.

Because she's bought into the ideology.

It's another example of her not being like the other girls. I don't know nor care if she ever thought that but the fact she says it now is very much a factor in my having no sympathy with her.

@ArabellaScott

Damian Barr who made that awful joke about the trans person who had attempted suicide? 'Tittering sickly' Damian Barr?

You need better friends, love.

Yes, she's shared photos of herself with him on her public social platforms and described him as her friend.

I think, had I suffered such a long and gruelling string of traumas, the thought of potentially facing more trauma in the form of an acrimonious split from a partner and acknowledgement of how much they had selfishly failed me, I might well swerve into the tempting and apparently appealing/heartwarmingly on-trend option of explaining it all with the 'pressures of transition' and ending with a rejigged happy-ever-after-of-sorts. The 'wrong body' is a strong myth that many are buying into at the moment (although I think the shine's wearing off) and she lives in Brighton, surrounded presumably by a very woo-friendly community.

I'm not judging her. We all do what we can, many people struggle with self deception and cognitive dissonance on some level, especially when trying to raise a small child and not fall apart. I hope she finds peace.

I read this earlier. I feel for her - wouldn’t wish those circumstances on anyone - but the conclusion is just SO disappointing. And her ex husband is an absolutely despicable individual.