SANDS sorry if upsetting

[InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud]

I have no words. This has upset me so much...

It's unbelievably cruel and dehumanising to women at their most vulnerable.

The word is MOTHER.

@FedUpWithBriiiiick

It's unbelievably cruel and dehumanising to women at their most vulnerable.

The word is MOTHER.

It makes me feel that a woman who has been in that position isn't allowed to call herself a mother... she is seen as second class...

I hope that women (and their partners) who fund SANDs will let the charity know how dehumanising it is to eradicate the words mother and women. So sorry to see such awful exclusionary language being used by this charity
to all women hurt by this unkindness.

So sorry InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud
These people have no idea of the hurt that they cause when they casually throw away cherished words like mother in order to pander to groups who frankly don't give a toss about women in this situation.

SANDS are amazing. They know what a mother is. They couldn't want to take that word away from a mother. It cannot be part of their ethos.

It really does feel like an erasure of women.

I understand the inclusive language but if you can’t give birth and think of yourself as a mother to that child, something seems very wrong.

I think if you’re so uncomfortable with your biological sex you shouldn’t be giving birth. Because it’s a visceral reminder that you’re not whatever identity you’ve chosen, you are female.

They are avoiding the word mother to not upset lesbian couples as in that case they are both mothers. We are told to do this in the birthing education field too but I only use this language when I have a lesbian couple in the group.

I'm sorry InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud

This is just pure cruelty. This is absolutely not the topic to be playing ridiculous word games with.

I don't usually write complaints, but does anyone know where we can complain about this? It's a spiteful kick in the teeth for any MOTHER that has lost her baby.

for anyone who needs them.

I agree with the poster above. I think the sentiment is to avoid excluding the non-birth mother in a same sex relationship.

EvilEdna1
Since when dis lesbians object to the word mother? I'm a lesbian mother and have no qualms in using the word. Or are you talking about these new fangled lesbians (the ones with a penis?) who hate any words relating to the female sex?

I give Sands money every single month and have done for years. Not sure what to do about this.

@EvilEdna1

They are avoiding the word mother to not upset lesbian couples as in that case they are both mothers. We are told to do this in the birthing education field too but I only use this language when I have a lesbian couple in the group.

There has to be a better solution. They didn’t say ‘woman’ either so it’s not just for lesbians but non-binary, trans umbrella etc.

They could say ‘Sands is here for ALL mothers, fathers and parents, whether you gave birth or were the non-birthing parent.’

That's appalling.
There are ways to rewrite that so it's also sensitive to lesbian mothers without dehumanising all mothers

Exactly NoSquirrels
There are simple linguistic compromises that can be found to include groups needing to be included. Erasing the words mother and women should never be the solution.

They could have said something like, "often the focus ... is on the woman who has given birth, Sands is here to support all parents ..." if using 'mother' is deemed problematic.

I read the thread on Twitter.

Amongst the grief and anger there are some laughing at that grief and anger and telling women to get over it. I can’t imagine how anyone can justify that kind of spite.

Be kind - unless it’s directed at bereaved mothers obviously.

You are misrepresenting the organisation

Even the most cursory look at the website shows the terms mother and father mum and dad are by far the most frequently used.

Why different on this page? Because some babies have two mothers and when talking support for partners it’s quite important not to leave confusion about which mother you are talking about or inadvertently leave the impression that the non-birthing one is somehow lesser, or need to use even more to avoid that. Yes, lesbian couples are less common that heterosexual parents, and surrogate arrangements even rarer. But they exist, whether you like it or not, and on a page which is clearly meant to cover all permutations of parent it’s appropriate to use inclusive language

Such cold, dehumanising language. It’s sickening.

And I’m sure lesbian couples wouldn’t object to this tweet if it referenced “mothers and fathers”. We don’t need to pretend that same sex couples aren’t a minority.

I personally know of lesbian couples who have experienced stillbirth and loss. We don’t need to police all language around loss when we can be kind to them as individuals, or say things like “mothers and partners”.

“Birthing person” is such a buzzword lately, and it’s being lapped up from all angles. If I see one more meme referencing “black birthing people” I’m going to scream.

to anyone affected by this. That's a thoughtlessly worded statement.

Agree, NoSquirrels, it's not hard to be inclusive without disregarding/erasing women and mothers.

NoSquirrels
I understand the inclusive language but if you can’t give birth and think of yourself as a mother to that child, something seems very wrong

but then

They could say ‘Sands is here for ALL mothers, fathers and parents, whether you gave birth or were the non-birthing parent.’

I was feeling rather sad that the first comment excluded everyone who because she could conceive but had never managed to carry beyond the third month was unable to give birth, yet was certainly a mother to her three adopted children.

The second is lot better.

As a mother who needed SANDS 24 years ago I just read that as support being available for partners as well as the mother and as a good thing.

Birthing parent makes a woman sound like a farmyard animal.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you are a MUM. You are that baby’s mum. Nobody can take that away from you. Especially not some silly, clueless ‘woke’ PR person on the other end of a social media account.

Tasteless in the extreme.

For those of you who have an insight to SANDS and state they know what a woman and mother is - I hope you are right.

Scant evidence of it here.

This is basic.

After the loss of my first child, I couldn’t bear to hear the word mother to describe myself. I didn’t have a living child so how was I a mother. My husband needed to support as he had lost his child too, though the focus was often on me. While this message may be for sex same couples, it might also be for couples like us that couldn’t face using the terms mother and father.