SANDS sorry if upsetting

[InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud]

I have no words. This has upset me so much...

Having lost a baby and been supported by SANDS I have no issue with this.

Have you thought that e.g. if there were two women then they are both mothers ans so you do need to clarify birthing parent.

What date was this tweeted please, I'm trying to find it.

"birthing woman"?

People who give birth do tend to be women while they are doing it, I'd've thought.

I agree with the women above who have experienced loss and say they have no problem with this. I have experienced loss and didn't read anything negative in this or exclusionary. Language does have power but the onus on this post was the person who didn't give birth.

Sorry just to add, it would have made it sound strange trying to be inclusive in other ways, using mother and then followed by non-birthing parent/mother/father insert as appropriate

@persistentwoman

So sorry InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud These people have no idea of the hurt that they cause when they casually throw away cherished words like mother in order to pander to groups who frankly don't give a toss about women in this situation.

Absolutely this. It’s unbelievable.

It is a very functional description.

I have experienced loss and the fact that I was a mother to my baby in utero meant a huge amount to me. I had got to know my child - their waking and sleeping, their movements. I (through my body) had been caring and feeding my child. I was their mother. When the baby was born I was still their mother. I would have been devastated to have been referred to as the birthing parent! Motherhood is not something that requires a specific time served.

A friend of mine who lost her only son told me that the hardest thing after his death when meeting new people was when she was asked if she had children. She felt to say no was denying his existence and her own motherhood. Everyone will react differently but for some the erasure of their being a mother will be very hurtful.

You are right - motherhood starts way before the giving birth part.

A birthing parent is not very helpful in that parenting refers to child-rearing.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

What date was this tweeted please, I'm trying to find it.

Oct 10th

I wouldn't even know if I was included in their comments, I would not view myself as having given birth to the babies I miscarried.
The pregnant person will always be a woman, why not stick with this and make the inclusivity apply to the other parent involved!

To all the bereaved mothers here.

I miscarried my baby so I was not the birthing parent, I was - am - my baby's mother.

I find the term birthing parent hugely offensive in this context. And FWIW no lesbian couples I know have ever been offended by the woman who gives birth being referred to as the baby's mother.

It's obviously a tricky issue. I had lots of miscarriages and don't think of myself as a mother, and one other poster has said it would have even felt hurtful to be called one.

But I agree it could easily be "woman who has given birth" or just avoiding it all together with some other spin - "Everyone suffers when they lose a child, whether they're a parent or member of the family, and whether the pregnancy was short or long. See how to support partners and children..."

Or just "when you're comforting a loved one, its easy to sometimes forget that their partners and children can feel grief and loss too". The subject and context is obvious from the poster and post after all.

Exactly @Oxyiz. I can see why some women find the term mother upsetting but birthing parent is worse. Your solution is perfect and elegant.

@Clymene

Exactly *@Oxyiz*. I can see why some women find the term mother upsetting but birthing parent is worse. Your solution is perfect and elegant.

I agree - I think *@Oxyiz* has got the balance right.

They could say ‘Sands is here for ALL mothers, fathers and parents, whether you gave birth or were the non-birthing parent.’

This is the obvious solution. But its not about being inclusive really as we know, so thats why this solution is ignored.

I suspect this is 'about lesbians' the same way that 'people who bleed' and such is 'about transmen'

I suspect this is 'about lesbians' the same way that 'people who bleed' and such is 'about transmen'
Exactly my thoughts too, NRatched.

How heartless. I read it out to DH and he was disgusted.

Absolutely heartless. I just want to scream sometimes why?? Why do these companies and organisations do it? They must see the reaction it brings out in women, they must. They get ratioed to hell and back with countless women saying no.

And yet they carry on. @Oxyiz response was perfect, they could have gone down that path if that is the message, but the fact they chose not to speaks volumes.

Cruel fucking bastards.

As someone who has needed support from SANDS in the past, I feel compelled to come to their defence. They may have made an error of judgement in this tweet but they have been there to support thousands of women at the lowest point imaginable. They are a charity that supports grieving parents - predominantly mothers. They know what a mother is and what it means. Please go easy on them.

twitter.com/SandsUK/status/1314855702343680002

They are getting terribly ratioed. I suspect they are mortified. I hope they apologise. They are an amazing charity.

They are a great charity but they need to prioritise the feelings of the women they're supporting and not throw them under the bus to get woke cookies from a group of people who probably have zero interest in this.