Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

Interesting article. It's not something I entirely relate to, as my GP knows what's going on because he told her to get a referral to another doctor. Interestingly she was very angry on my behalf when I finally went to see her about getting a mental health plan. The shadowing thing is really manipulate. In a way I'm lucky mine isn't like that, he doesn't copy me because I'm not outwardly feminine enough (utilitarian was his wording). But that just led to an existential crisis of sorts where I thought maybe I'm not being a proper women.

@NCforFWR I'm sorry that you're going through this. We can all relate here. The cross dressing won't go away, and he will likely stop keeping it to himself at some point.

Sorry, what's DM?

Utilitarian! Cheeky fucker!

We have to be utilitarian because we do all the bloody work!

@TieYourCannons

Sorry, what's DM?

Direct message

Oh! Was thinking dear mother . It took me about a year to work out the MN acronyms.

@TieYourCannons

Oh! Was thinking dear mother . It took me about a year to work out the MN acronyms.

Actually I can see why that would be confusing!

@Boujie123, I'm very glad to hear you're working with someone. The reality is that all of this is a total mindf**k and I know I would not been able to get past it without the help of a really good therapist.

@TieYourCannons, I completely understand how you would be conflict adverse and not want to deal with your ex at all. I certainly didn't want to! But I am concerned that if you don't have a court order of some kind in place, you could wind up in a worse situation years from now. Such as your ex asking for backdated alimony or contesting custody or some other such bullsh**. So it might be worth considering.

@TieYourCannons

Oh! Was thinking dear mother . It took me about a year to work out the MN acronyms.

Or Daily Mail

Feeling a bit less cowardly today. Sending positive vibes to all of you

I wish I could be more conflict averse. I keep stirring up trouble. I feel such anger about the treatment of trans widows. The stories on the website make my blood boil. Who do these worthless men think they are that they just get to desert their children? And the society that celebrates this? I have nothing but curse words to impart today.

It's a reasonable, reality-based rage. The behaviour of the men is like many who treat women and children with contempt for all sorts of reasons, but I found the invisibility, the denial, the biased media coverage the worst thing. I hang on to the fact that I, my family, our mutual friends, and a lot of people know exactly what goes on, and those hard facts stand. But yes, some days are sweary days

What @socialworker222 said.

You have a right to be angry!

It is completely justified. It is not overreacting. It is entirely appropriate.

Yes anger is entirely appropriate and justified, it's also one of the stages of grief.

My heavens, what a sh*t show the last few days have been. A huge winter storm hit down here and millions have been without power and water. We were fortunate in that we only lost running water for two days. We were melting snow to flush toilets. I was doing everything I could to put on a happy face and not freak out for the kids. I feel this enormous burden now that literally it's all on me. I also have lots of anxiety and fear around what if something happens to me, who would take care of these kids. My family is not much to write home about and are far away from where we live anyway.

Spouse lost all power in his apartment so I let him stay here. Of course, this was after our water was restored. He had no concerns about us during that time. He looks almost feral. Gaunt, but tons of facial hair (the part that's not been lasered). He keeps saying he's not doing well. Not sure how living his "authentic life" is working out for him.

@SouthernTW, I wish I could say something optimistic here, but I just can't. Narcissism, at least with my ex, means he is not even thinking of anyone other than himself. Definitely not his children. So the idea that you and the kids could be stressed out over a natural disaster like this, that thought may not even occur to him.

I also don't have any local family, and to compensate for that, I've built up a network of friends who can help when I need it. In particular, I have a dear friend who is also a single mother and we trade off helping each other. Like when her younger daughter was hospitalized, I drove her older daughter to visit her, and when my younger daughter broke a tooth, she took her to the dentist for me. My daughters know they can call on her if they need to. It definitely helps with the "but what if I'm not feeling well and the kids need something done for them" stress.

I second that. Their absolute narcissism and inability to empathise with or prioritise others means they cannot (and refuse to even if they have some inkling) put other people first, even their children. I built up a network of close female friends who have supported me and vice versa to mitigate the lack of support from the children's biological father.

I had to have major surgery a year ago and ex chose that exact week to have cosmetic surgery so that they could not look after the children while I was in hospital. They also refused to drive for 3 months afterwards so didn't even see the children the whole time I was recovering and unable to drive myself.

No one is more important and their stunning and brave journey supersedes everything.

I've been thinking, and this probably applies to a lot of women here: if I ever were to confront him about abandoning his kids his defense would likely be that he would have ended up dead had he not 'transitioned'. That he would have been so depressed he'd have committed suicide, so this thing literally saved his life. It's bollocks, but what do you say to that? It's their trump card, but how can you counter it?

@TieYourCannons

I've been thinking, and this probably applies to a lot of women here: if I ever were to confront him about abandoning his kids his defense would likely be that he would have ended up dead had he not 'transitioned'. That he would have been so depressed he'd have committed suicide, so this thing literally saved his life. It's bollocks, but what do you say to that? It's their trump card, but how can you counter it?

Say that threats of suicide in order to get your own way are a common tactic of abusers.

That is true too, a form of direct emotional manipulation. But I'm not thinking about an actual current threat of suicide, more along the lines of suicide being used as a excuse for irresponsible behaviour. "I had to do this thing or I would have died." So no matter what I say about the effect on the kids, etc. it all boils down to it having been a life and death choice for him.

Maybe one could say 'Yes, I've felt suicidal too, raising these children on my own and managing the burden of family life and work with no break and no support. But they'd have nobody if I killed myself so I put them first, like parents are supposed to." Maybe?

(I'm not trying to belittle real depression and suicidal thoughts by the way. I'm talking specifically about it being used by narcissists as a get out clause in an argument where they know their behaviour is indefensible).

Yes I realise you're not talking about a current threat but I really don't see it's all that different. And I don't see that why they felt they had to do it is relevant to us. What concerns us is the effect on ourselves and our children.

If somebody burgles my house no doubt they will have had a reason for it, but knowing or understanding the reason doesn't change the fact that I've been burgled, and it doesn't give me my belongings back.

Say that threats of suicide in order to get your own way are a common tactic of abusers.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(I fucking love you tinsel)

Hello all. Been in lurking mode for a while as not a lot has changed in my situation and still being inside this much what I can offer to others is validation that YES this is a problem you’ve a right to have feelings about and you’ve not lost your mind.

He’s still here and still pretty neglectful of DC. Up and down with minimal household contribution. Through the good advice here I’ve gotten better over this 9 months or so at financial boundaries. What finances I do allow I treat as paying someone live-in to child mind and do light chores. Still on the phone all hours and obsessed with superficial stereotypes. The level of detachment from reality is unreal and combined with the isolation of the ongoing stay at home I have a hard time coping some days. I just can’t see how someone could be so completely self absorbed and how in the current climate those of us in this situation have few if any places we can be frank about what is going on.

Working through my feelings about having ignored so many red flags and letting it get to this point. I know someday I and DC will be on the other side of this but oh how I will I had it in me to just toss him out outright and let him figure it out in his own how to find somewhere to live with zero income. With it being this issue though there is a fear that he’d use his stunning and brave status to ruin things for me and DC.

@TieYourCannons I don’t know how we counter it. I can really see him using that though. Near the beginning of his announcement he used the threat once but hasn’t vocalized it since.

With most people that know I am having problems I have to emphasize the narc behavior and how he is treating DC. The transition part and how he’s manipulated and lied has a protected status. With some I just don’t discuss it at all as I’ve lost my ability to use language that reflects my reality and experience.

@SeasideM, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this ongoing situation. Have you talked to a solicitor/divorce lawyer about this situation? A divorce is an awful thing to go through but I and others here can testify that life can be a lot better on the other side.