Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

I think we'd be well advised to tell trans widows to ignore Reddit altogether, particularly now r/gendercritical is no more.

I have r/transwidows but I've never done anything with it.

Yes Reddit is a bad place for gender critical women or anyone who doesn't 100% accept TRAs harmful gender ideology and the silencing of women.

Regarding that interview and their lack of a sex life "We are working through it" ie - I haven't coerced her into doing things she doesn't want to yet

Hello everyone. Feeling really weary and defeated today. Random toys have started turning up in the post. No letter, no message. I know they're from him. I don't want to allow myself to be used as a vehicle to hurt my children. Why should I have to deal with the questions: where is daddy, why did he send this, will we see him, can we speak to him, etc. Not to mention how utterly disrespectful it is to me, their only carer, to not engage with me at all, just send random items to my address and expect me to deal with the emotional fallout on my own. If I don't pass them on, I'll potentially be cast as the bad guy later on down the line. If I give them, I have to do something that's against my better judgment as it will hurt them.

I've also found out he's living a very promiscuous lifestyle (or trying to, lol) further confirming what we all know which is that it's all about sexual gratification and nothing else. That's more important than his family, than work, than stable relationships. Let's all celebrate their bravery for giving in to every sexual impulse they ever dreamed of in their depraved little porn obsessed minds, and throwing their kids under the bus in the process.

Should I give the toys without saying who they came from?

(Sorry I haven't said much on here lately. Been gathering strength. Big hugs to all).

@TieYourCannons

Hello everyone. Feeling really weary and defeated today. Random toys have started turning up in the post. No letter, no message. I know they're from him. I don't want to allow myself to be used as a vehicle to hurt my children. Why should I have to deal with the questions: where is daddy, why did he send this, will we see him, can we speak to him, etc. Not to mention how utterly disrespectful it is to me, their only carer, to not engage with me at all, just send random items to my address and expect me to deal with the emotional fallout on my own. If I don't pass them on, I'll potentially be cast as the bad guy later on down the line. If I give them, I have to do something that's against my better judgment as it will hurt them.

I've also found out he's living a very promiscuous lifestyle (or trying to, lol) further confirming what we all know which is that it's all about sexual gratification and nothing else. That's more important than his family, than work, than stable relationships. Let's all celebrate their bravery for giving in to every sexual impulse they ever dreamed of in their depraved little porn obsessed minds, and throwing their kids under the bus in the process.

Should I give the toys without saying who they came from?

(Sorry I haven't said much on here lately. Been gathering strength. Big hugs to all).

Assuming you are able to contact him, I'd be inclined to say that you're happy to pass gifts on but they must include a note so the kids (and you) know who they are from.

@TieYourCannons, I'm sorry you're in a painful situation. Do you have a solicitor or court order yet? This may be something that this can address, no anonymous contact. Also, your ex avoiding contact with the children shouldn't mean they have no obligation for child maintenance/support. Even if you have a good livelihood, odds are good that you would be due something under a court order as the primary custody parent.

That's just it though @TinselAngel, I'm not happy to do this. He should either make proper contact or leave them alone.

I'm not sure what to do with the toys he's already sent. If I say they're from him, the kids will go from elation to questioning to weeping. Same if there was a letter. What I'm trying to say is, no matter what I do I will hurt my kids. He is making me hurt them and making me feel controlled.

@QuinnMovesOn He doesn't work, so whatever he could afford would be so negligible as to make it not worth the stress of interacting with him.

That's just it though @TinselAngel, I'm not happy to do this. He should either make proper contact or leave them alone.

Up to you of course, I only suggest it in case he uses you not handing them over, to attempt to prove you're preventing contact.

I could hand them over but without saying who they're from...but I don't know if that's right either...years later kids might say 'you never told us daddy sent these'...

@TieYourCannons

I could hand them over but without saying who they're from...but I don't know if that's right either...years later kids might say 'you never told us daddy sent these'...

Like I say, my advice is from a place of what is the least likely to be able to be used against you, in my view. But often that's not the option that causes the least upset in the short term.

You could get legal advice as to what to do?

Read this and thought you all might appreciate it...
www.gender.org.uk/conf/1998/diana.htm

I'm a lurker but my heart goes out to you all!

Would an upfront reply along the lines of 'thank you for the toys, I have put them aside for when you are able to give them to the DCs yourself. On that score, have you thought about when you will next see the DCs and how this might be best brokered so as to not cause them upset?' work?

That way, you are clear that you are encouraging access, not mentioning his status and also making it clear that any access will be mediated for the benefit of the children.

Your situation does seem to be more like than unlike other divorces/separations with toxic men.

@Justtryingtobehelpful interesting article - isn't it incredible that it's over 20 years old. Thanks so much for sharing. I wonder if many women feel able to speak to their GP honestly about this issue yet. I was signed off work for 2 months with 'generalised anxiety' as I just couldn't bring myself to be honest with the doctor about what was causing me the stress. The shame of association and not wanting reference to the specifics in MY medical record. This stigma means that women may not be getting the help and support they need, which would be readily available for other traumas. Imagine surviving trauma and not being able to talk to anyone about it, or get specialist help or support; attempting to bury it but it never leaves you because it's your husband or the father of your children.No wonder the women in the article became so ill. Nobody knows my (ex) husband's secret except me. He doesn't care what I think or feel, nor understands the need for discretion. I live in terror that he will turn up at the house one day to collect our son dressed like a grotesque drag queen, leaving me to deal with the aftermath.

@TieYourCannons
"Let's all celebrate their bravery for giving in to every sexual impulse they ever dreamed of in their depraved little porn obsessed minds, and throwing their kids under the bus in the process."
Spot on. You are completely right.
Big hugs to you xxxx

Didn't even see the date on it. Seemed so relev2, I assumed it was contemporary! Crazy.....
It does reflect the stigma attached to the woman.
You're right, the fear would always hang around like a bad smell!

Hello everyone.

I've dipped in and out of your threads as a lurker for a while, as I discovered that my husband was cross dressing shortly after our wedding. I've seen of heard nothing since (nothing except growing and filing his nails, which I know other men do actually do) and I thought it had either died a death or he just kept it on the down low and to himself.

He's very secretive of his phone, and I have previously caught him chatting up other women on various platforms (please don't judge me here) so I sometimes take a sneaky peek when it's unattended.
I've discovered something new and he is chatting with others on Kik (?) and he refers to himself as a "sissy" and importantly I think, the other people are men. I didn't get to read the full conversations, just saw the one line preview, where I saw the reference to sissy.

I don't even know what any of this means, other than Kik being a messaging app. What's a sissy??! I did try and Google it but it wasn't really very clear I'm pretty naïve to these matters as well which doesn't help things. Is he gay? Bisexual? Is this some kind of cross dressing lingo?

Not really sure where my head's at. I always thought that if he's keeping his cross dressing to himself, then 🤷 but this feels like it's changing the fundamentals of our marriage. I will be gradually reading your threads, probably from the beginning as I don't understand any of the politics/ins and outs etc. It will probably take me a while to catch up, but if anyone can just commiserate or talk to me, I'd appreciate it!

Thank you!

I don't even know what any of this means..

I can help you there - it means you should LTB.

Also I wouldn't advise googling "sissy" stuff as it's very upsetting.

@QuinnMovesOn
Good advice thankyou. I have nightmares (literally) and flashbacks of my husband in his female persona. Coincidentally I do have my first appointment with therapist next week.

@NCforFWR Welcome.
I am so sorry that you are in this position. I am certain that you will not be able to find a happy compromise with your husband. It sounds like his secretive habits are well-established and he's likely only to get more assertive in seeking to satisfy his needs. Don't put yourself through it. We are here for you xxx

Cannons I agree with Spartacus; I wouldn't rush to give them to the kids, but perhaps communicate with him formally to say as she suggests (either communicate sensitively and fully or not at all). I'd hang on to the toys and see what happens; you're unlikely soon to need to explain this to the kids and I'd try not to let it pressure you. It's typical of the intermittent, self-absorbed and basically crap, insensitive parenting we see a lot with late-transitioning men.
Boujie agree entirely about support; it's very difficult to tell a GP, or therapist, that you're unhappy with a partner transitioning, and we know from these threads that women often need both involved to survive day-to-day while keeping household/kids going, and need to receive non-judgemental, non-partisan, non-trans-support-agency help.
Sadly NC most women on here have not found that cross-dressing urges 'go away' or subside naturally. It usually goes on secretively and often escalates to transition. 'Sissy' stuff means men role-playing women being degraded; misogynistic and disturbing and again very common behaviour in late-transitioning men. Many female partners find the notion of wanting to be degraded/abused, in stereotypical clothing offensive and a major turn-off. So your partner is certainly living some sort of secret life. You may need to decide to stop snooping (tempting we know) to save your sanity, or confront this; before you do either I guess you need to work out if you would want to stay with someone with that fetish. Sometimes people get on with it privately, and women feel they can stay; sometimes they try to get partners involved in treating them in that way sexually. You'll have your own feelings on the matter.

I live in terror that he will turn up at the house one day to collect our son dressed like a grotesque drag queen, leaving me to deal with the aftermath. That's the thing isn't it, @Boujie123 They don't seem able to consider the effect of their actions on others.

@NCforFWR Kik is a messaging app that hides your phone number. If he's describing himself as a sissy it could be a submissive fantasy/fetish confined to the bedroom and may not progress to transitioning but I'd definitely have a word sooner rather than later.

People are giving good advice but part of the problem is that I am extremely conflict averse. A coward, basically I hope that by ignoring a problem it will go away. He has gone away and I fear that getting in touch with him for any reason whatsoever will precipitate him coming back into our lives. This fear is compounded by the fact that I have no support network (apart from here). There’s no one to lean on if I get overwhelmed. I remember the state I was in when it all kicked off. I had help at that time but not now so would struggle to manage work, childcare, homeschooling, and my own sanity and wellbeing.

The only way to not hurt the children in the short term would be if he presented with a male appearance. But in the long-term this would be worse if he was planning a big reveal. The time he ‘came out’ to me he said ‘I’m leaving it up to you to decide when but some day they will have to know they have two mothers.’ Well fuck that for a start. Only one person parents them and that’s me, their mother. If he doesn’t intend to be in their lives he should have clarified that, not done a disappearing act and start sending random items three years later.

Maybe a short message along the lines of ‘What are your intentions towards the DC? The sporadic appearance of gifts is upsetting for them, especially when I cannot answer any questions that arise from that.’ (I am taking in everything everyone is saying, even though I will doubtless procrastinate for some time longer).

Just a general warning wims, not to be tempted to DM about fetishes with any new poster.

[quote Boujie123]@Justtryingtobehelpful interesting article - isn't it incredible that it's over 20 years old. Thanks so much for sharing. I wonder if many women feel able to speak to their GP honestly about this issue yet. I was signed off work for 2 months with 'generalised anxiety' as I just couldn't bring myself to be honest with the doctor about what was causing me the stress. The shame of association and not wanting reference to the specifics in MY medical record. This stigma means that women may not be getting the help and support they need, which would be readily available for other traumas. Imagine surviving trauma and not being able to talk to anyone about it, or get specialist help or support; attempting to bury it but it never leaves you because it's your husband or the father of your children.No wonder the women in the article became so ill. Nobody knows my (ex) husband's secret except me. He doesn't care what I think or feel, nor understands the need for discretion. I live in terror that he will turn up at the house one day to collect our son dressed like a grotesque drag queen, leaving me to deal with the aftermath.[/quote]
I really can relate to what you're saying about the anxiety and reluctance to admit to the reasons behind it. (See my story on the TWV website).

In general I think we try and protect our children as much as we can but sometimes we have to accept that they are going to be hurt, we cannot always protect them, but remember that it is not us that is doing this to them and we can only do our best to help them through it.

@TieYourCannons

People are giving good advice but part of the problem is that I am extremely conflict averse. A coward, basically I hope that by ignoring a problem it will go away. He has gone away and I fear that getting in touch with him for any reason whatsoever will precipitate him coming back into our lives. This fear is compounded by the fact that I have no support network (apart from here). There’s no one to lean on if I get overwhelmed. I remember the state I was in when it all kicked off. I had help at that time but not now so would struggle to manage work, childcare, homeschooling, and my own sanity and wellbeing.

The only way to not hurt the children in the short term would be if he presented with a male appearance. But in the long-term this would be worse if he was planning a big reveal. The time he ‘came out’ to me he said ‘I’m leaving it up to you to decide when but some day they will have to know they have two mothers.’ Well fuck that for a start. Only one person parents them and that’s me, their mother. If he doesn’t intend to be in their lives he should have clarified that, not done a disappearing act and start sending random items three years later.

Maybe a short message along the lines of ‘What are your intentions towards the DC? The sporadic appearance of gifts is upsetting for them, especially when I cannot answer any questions that arise from that.’ (I am taking in everything everyone is saying, even though I will doubtless procrastinate for some time longer).

In my experience conflict gets slightly easier with practice.