Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

@themiserychick

I had my last appointment with my social worker on Monday, as I'm starting therapy with a psychologist on Friday. I couldn't contain my emotions and cried a lot talking about the relationship. She made me realise that I actually rarely put myself first. I know break up is coming, but I'm having trouble actually starting the conversation, I know that he won't. Anxiety is pretty high. I feel like a failure.

You're not a failure. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it, and a reluctance to accept it is not failure either.

And actually I'm now much more financially secure than I was when I was with ex. He was in massive debt then, although he earned a lot of money with his own business. He had a property abroad and although he kept trying to get me to put his name on the deeds of my house I never "got round to it". Fast forward to now, his business went belly up because he lost all his clients, he lives in a one bed rented flat, the property abroad was repossessed but was in negative equity so he's stuck with unpaid mortgage debt as well as other debt, he is unemployed and on universal credit. Imagine if I'd stuck with him?

We sold our house as part of the divorce and I've been in rentals ever since. I probably won't own a home again until I can retire and move to a lower cost-of-living area (more affordable than where I currently live for my job.) It's frustrating but I can live with that. It's better than any scenario in which I stayed with my ex. Who could never live within a budget even before all the mad shopping sprees that seem to go along with MTF transition.

Things are going to be a struggle financially around here for a few years and it's cheaper for me to stay in the house than rent just because of how low our mortgage is. So, as much as I hate this house, I am going to stay in it so that I can continue to homeschool my kids. I don't think I can go back to work full-time in my chosen profession and be the mother my children are going to need for the next few years, so I have resigned myself to scratching by and trying to figure out a way to pay down debt. Nonetheless, the financial struggle is worth the peace of having him gone.

A lot is worth the peace of having him gone.
It's easy to overlook what has stopped (as we usually focus on what is going on): I now don't have to deal with a man with a secret, a man living a double-life, a man not interested in his children or home life, wasted family monies, treading around someone who is self-absorbed and moody, and the unhappiness of being with someone who has a warped view of womanhood, which inevitably impacted my self-confidence and sense of self. I make decisions about our life, home and relationships, and have peace of mind.
It cost a lot, years of impacted health and sleep, financial stress which is ongoing, and seeing my children's hearts broken. But you can't beat freedom, and disentangling yourself from someone whose self-centredness is toxic and at odds with family life. There aren't many women on these threads regretting their decision to split and go it alone, however difficult it is particuarly in the early years.

@socialworker222, this is so true. It's horrifying even to briefly imagine what my life would be like now if I had stayed in my marriage. Despite all the pain and emotional/physical/monetary costs of it, moving on was the right thing to do, and in retrospect, the only choice that allowed me to stay sane.

There was a clip doing the rounds on Twitter yesterday which illustrates perfectly what we would have had to do if we'd stayed:

twitter.com/womenreadwomen/status/1358061013795565568?s=21

I'm so relieved to find this thread after 10 years of living with this. I tried everything to accommodate it, and have just now finally managed to get rid of him and set up on my own with my child. Our life now is healthy and financially stable. It is such a relief not to be living daily with his secrets and seedy behaviour. Finally, finding Trans Widows I feel seen and heard. Every support group I attended was all about me finding a way to accommodate his transition. Some of the suggestions and matter-of-fact approach to something that is horrific and traumatic, left me feeling more tortured and isolated. Reading other stories on here, there are so many similarities- selfishness, obsession with their trans journey, secrets, chaotic living, behaving like men ie inability to run a house or do housework. Such a relief to find out I am not alone. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart. I am crying with relief xxxx

Welcome Boujie123 - I'm glad you found us and have got away and living a happier and healthier life now.

Boujie123 and you get the added bonus of those without experience of being Trans Widows giving any support we can

Thankyou, only now do I realise the extent of my nightmare.

@highame thankyou. One of my anxieties has been blaming myself for being naive, gullible, making poor choices, choosing the worst father for my child in terms of male role model....being judged by those who are not in a similar situation. But when you're in love, you try to accommodate and compromise, hoping it will get better, but it only gets worse. I had no understanding or awareness that a seemingly ordinary decent bloke who was actually very masculine in appearance, attitude and thinking, could even be like that. Even when the signs started to appear, I dismissed it. Raising awareness of this to other women is so important. Had I known, I would have run a mile.

Hi Boujie123, welcome on board and I'm glad you've found us.

Please don't feel bad about being duped by your ex. They often have a life time practice of lying and concealing.

You are right that raising awareness is essential to prevent more women being affected. Have you seen the Trans Widows Voices website? This is one of the things that I hope sharing women's stories will achieve.

When you feel up to it I would be really interested to hear about the support (brainwashing) groups you mention. Eg who runs them and what they involve.

In other news- do all keep posting as I've just decided the title for thread 5 and it's a cracker (if you're a sad geek like me).

@Boujie123, glad to hear you're moving forward in your life. If you aren't already doing so, please consider seeing a therapist. I think it can help, even after you've made the major step of leaving the relationship. Something that my counselor has said to me repeatedly, to the point where I think it's finally starting to sink in: "You made the best choice you could at the time with the info you had." I've also felt terrible guilt over choosing this person to marry and have children with. I'm trying not to fault myself for making decisions based on the data I had.

It doesn't help that these AGP men are often expert liars and manipulators.

@TinselAngel Also, that Tyler Reks interview... that was utterly appalling. The wife just sits there, is never asked any questions, never says a word. She's just an ornament to yet another narcissist.

Aside from everything else- he's changed his surname as well so he no longer (presumably) has the same surname as his wife and child.

Welcome @Boujie123. I am glad you found us although sad you have to join our company.

My husband picked up our son just a little while ago for the evening once every other week he spends with him. He looks dreadful. His weight is dropping alarmingly fast, he's stooped over. But I noticed lots of hair missing from his face and arms and perfectly shaped brows. My first thought was how many lessons for the kids the cost of all that would have equaled. He just repulses me.

@SouthernTW

Welcome *@Boujie123*. I am glad you found us although sad you have to join our company.

My husband picked up our son just a little while ago for the evening once every other week he spends with him. He looks dreadful. His weight is dropping alarmingly fast, he's stooped over. But I noticed lots of hair missing from his face and arms and perfectly shaped brows. My first thought was how many lessons for the kids the cost of all that would have equaled. He just repulses me.

The weight loss and stooping are probably attempts to make him look smaller and thinner and ergo more "female"?

Yes, likely. A rather unsuccessful attempt, if you ask me. It just makes him look more freakish.

I saw that interview and was appalled by it. Today's world leaves me befuddled. It is amazing to me that in my lifetime we have come to the point where men can even use fake female status as a means of oppression.

Talking about brainwashing groups or support, the ones for children of Trans identified male parents are dreadful. Persuading kids that their brave and stunning parent is a butterfly who has emerged from a chrysalis and is better than ever before. Lucky you, a new Mummy!

Meanwhile these men refuse to be called Daddy, rewrite history to make it seem as if the actual mother knew the situation all along and was completely happy being impregnated by their lady penis and female gender identified spermatozoa aka non binary gametes.

They often have a life time practice of lying and concealing. Yes, we forget this, and certainly I felt idiotic for not having seen 'clues' or signs.. and I felt selfconscious that other people would think I must have known. When despite my professional background and apparently quite close marriage, I had no idea at all. We approach marriage in good faith, believing what we are told and what we see, and often as women, focussing on supporting and caring for others and particularly our children. It's not surprising we are duped.
The Twitter video is very typical; it has 'me me me' written all over it, and the usual heavily-groomed appearance which fools no'one.
Welcome Boujie I'm glad you can see the 'support' networks' flaws; the notion that acceptance, even celebration, is and should be the norm, is misleading and dishonest and piles further pressure on women already in a vulnerable position. Congratulations on breaking free.
No'one seems to have found decent data on how many relationships survive transition but anecdotally it's thought to be 50%; would be good to know after five years how many partnerships are still intact. Even if it is 50%, the mainstream narrative that the norm is staying, and the enormously-weighted media bias representing only those relationships, means that coverage is woefully inadequate and unrepresentative.

@SouthernTW

Yes, likely. A rather unsuccessful attempt, if you ask me. It just makes him look more freakish.

I saw that interview and was appalled by it. Today's world leaves me befuddled. It is amazing to me that in my lifetime we have come to the point where men can even use fake female status as a means of oppression.

What also struck me about the interview is how his transition was framed not just as doing something for himself, but as some kind of public service to pave the way for others.

When he first came out as trans, I was directed to the subreddit called mypartneristrans which is full of super supportive partners who are oh so happy that their (usually) male partner can now be their authentic self. From what I've seen the people who stay are often either young and woke, or quite old and not wanting to go through a breakup because they've been together for so long. There's rarely young children involved in these relationships. I'm guessing that's where the 50% comes from. But I would be sceptical of the actual quality of these relationships, especially after a few years.

@themiserychick

When he first came out as trans, I was directed to the subreddit called mypartneristrans which is full of super supportive partners who are oh so happy that their (usually) male partner can now be their authentic self. From what I've seen the people who stay are often either young and woke, or quite old and not wanting to go through a breakup because they've been together for so long. There's rarely young children involved in these relationships. I'm guessing that's where the 50% comes from. But I would be sceptical of the actual quality of these relationships, especially after a few years.

r/mypartneristrans timeline:

• my husband is questioning his gender
• my husband is now my wife! Yay! We can go shopping together! She looks fabulous in my dresses!
• my trans wife is spending a lot of money and not around much, what do?
• my trans wife left me for a bloke