Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

SouthernTW, thank you for reassuring me. I was concerned for you. (Well, I still am, but you are strong and you will beat this thing, I'm sure of it. You just don't need any extra crap.)

Same here with the mom title. DC still uses dad and I use it as well and avoid pronouns. I have specifically stated that I am not comfortable with a change to any variation of mom. He’s said that he wants to have DC call him by the new first name (that was selected over a decade before we met apparently yet at the same time he had no idea at all so yeah actions speaking louder than words) at some point.

@SouthernTW with all we are learning about trauma I can’t see how that counselor is thinking this is not traumatic for the kids. My heart goes out to them and to you as you help them through this on top of everything else you would normally be doing without all this extra. Ugh and having to deal with all the physical stuff he is just ditching at your home at well.

It may be more grief to work through or just frustration of not being to the other side of this situation yet but I feel I’m spiraling into the anger over this again. Not good for me so going to see what I can do to ground myself.

Mine don't know about the "transition" yet. Part of me thinks he still may not go through with it.

You need to prepare yourself for the likelihood that he will start to escalate very fast once he has left , Southern

I'm not in your situation but went through a similar sort of hell in my family of origin with a dad who lied and emotionally abused my mum. So I greatly admire all of your strength and can completely understand how this must be traumatising for your children.

What really struck me reading the last few pages was how much your husbands and partners sound like addicts.

I think a lot of it stems from porn addiction, especially with the older mid-life crisis variety of transwoman. My partner fantasies about being a cute, hot, super fit girl, with perfect boobs and a "hot pussy" . Something I'm pretty sure he knows he'll never achieve, but he still stares at and posts pictures online of "transition goals". It's pretty gross. Kind of teenager like, in that I gave up being jealous of other women's bodies 20 years ago.

Well, he's moved out. And boy what a pile of mess he left behind. That I am having to clean up. But some friends came and helped me set up my new furniture today and I love it. I can't even describe how relieved I feel, like an enormous stone has been removed from my back. Time for a new life.

@TinselAngel- That also wouldn't surprise me. Good thing I have 100% legal custody now.

Yes, it's very much like an addiction. I would even argue that is is an addiction.

@themiserychick- that is gross. I found photos on his phone of similar things. At 47 and 6'5", dude is not ever going to look like that anyway.

I found photos on his phone of similar things. At 47 and 6'5", dude is not ever going to look like that anyway.

My ex is about the same age and the same size, and he had a massive crisis when he realised he was never going to look small and cute in schoolgirl outfits.

My ex is about the same age and the same size, and he had a massive crisis when he realised he was never going to look small and cute in schoolgirl outfits.

How can this have been a surprise?

I know, right? Keeping up the fantasy must be a full time job and a half.

@SouthernTW, congratulations on getting through the move. It is a huge step forward and very much the start of you creating a new life for yourself.

Though, please just brace yourself for this... my ex promised the "You'll always be the only Mom to our kids" and of course that didn't last. Just one of many outright lies and gaslighting nonsense.

Congratulations Southern. It's such a turning-point for you, even though the road ahead is tough going. I'm so glad you got your home for you, and can hopefully breathe again.

Hello, could someone check the old thread please? A woman called Naomi has posted there, and been directed to this thread, but I don't think she's made it over, and I don't want her to think she's being ignored. Thank you.

Because my poor children haven't suffered enough. My father-in-law (who I adore) is in the ICU and not expected to make it through the day. The kids were able to Facetime with him to say goodbye. I feel like we have reached our limit of pain and grief around here.
I also worry that this will escalate spouse's "transition activities."

God help us.

I'm so sorry Southern. That's just too much.

He died today. I have spent my entire day with my inconsolable children, just holding them and helping them cry. This is too much.

I'm sorry for your loss Southern, it's so hard that life never seems to let anyone just deal with one crisis at a time.

With my stern cop hat on- just be wary that this might be used as leverage to get you to change your mind about some of the decisions that you have made, so try and resist doing anything rash

@TinselAngel

I'm sorry for your loss Southern, it's so hard that life never seems to let anyone just deal with one crisis at a time.

With my stern cop hat on- just be wary that this might be used as leverage to get you to change your mind about some of the decisions that you have made, so try and resist doing anything rash

I'm so sorry Southern and I agree, ex will use this to either worm his way back in and then make you and the children accept anything he does or superspeed his new brave and stunning life and rewrite history.

I fully expect him to go off the rails. His mental stability is pretty fragile at this point anyway. My only hope is he doesn't lose his job.

Southern, my deepest sympathies for your loss. You're being the responsible parent for your grieving children, please take care of yourself as best you can in all of this.

Regarding your concerns about your soon-to-be ex losing his job... I guess one glimmer of hope in this is that transition is expensive, so there's an incentive to stay employed to be able to afford the new clothes, makeup, electrolysis, etc. My ex, at least, prioritized staying employed for that reason, and also was good about paying child support to avoid wage garnishment.

I had my last appointment with my social worker on Monday, as I'm starting therapy with a psychologist on Friday. I couldn't contain my emotions and cried a lot talking about the relationship. She made me realise that I actually rarely put myself first. I know break up is coming, but I'm having trouble actually starting the conversation, I know that he won't. Anxiety is pretty high. I feel like a failure.

misery I think many of us felt like a failure, wondered what we could have done to avert this, and what our part in it was. Problem is for many people the behaviours of transitioning spouses is unreasonable and intolerable, so the way you feel is entirely okay, and how many of us felt. Psychologist sounds great, and therapy will help you work this.out including the difficult conversation. Taking your time, thinking through what you want, and leaning on supportive people will get you there. Have you decided what you want to do?

@themiserychick- I hope you find your psychologist helpful. Therapy has been such a great experience for me. It has truly helped me get through some of this disaster. You are not a failure. He is the one who has failed you.

It's my birthday tomorrow and it will be three weeks since he moved out. I don't miss him. One of my kids doesn't even miss him either. The kids are both still reeling from the loss of their grandfather, but it seems like a fairly absent father has not had as much impact as I might have thought. My daughter did ask to start seeing a counselor, which I have set up. During the (separate from mine) parental intake appointment, he did not disclose his desire to transition to daughter's therapist because he didn't "think it was relevant." It so ticks me off. Of course, it's relevant. If his transition is so all-fired important, why is he remaining in the closet?

Happy New Year ladies, or is it? Mine has (of course) not kept to his promise that everything would stop.

He's dialled it down, threw the androgen blockers and breast enlargement pills and some sex toys out but it's still there. I caught him messaging some random guy with pictures of him in his maid outfit last week. He called that "an error of judgement" ffs. The picture is his fucking screensaver on his phone. There's a couple of dodgy things come up on the youtube history. He's been looking at outfits, shoes and butt plugs on Wish. He knows that a lot of this stuff is shared but either he's too dumb to hide it properly or he doesn't care.

I'm so fucking tired of it. I feel nothing but contempt for him. I'd like to split but I'd lose my home as he'd be entitled to a share that would be more than I could raise to buy him out.

Our improving sex life has ground to a halt again because I don't want to be with him. There's nothing attractive about him at all.

I am over-eating again to compensate. I feel like I'm in quicksand. I just want out now but I have no idea how I'm going to get rid of him. I can't even sleep cos this shit is going round in my brain 24/7.

I need a plan. I have work to do.

Southern, I'm glad yours is finally gone, and condolences to you and the kids xx

@HollywoodTease

Happy New Year ladies, or is it? Mine has (of course) not kept to his promise that everything would stop.

He's dialled it down, threw the androgen blockers and breast enlargement pills and some sex toys out but it's still there. I caught him messaging some random guy with pictures of him in his maid outfit last week. He called that "an error of judgement" ffs. The picture is his fucking screensaver on his phone. There's a couple of dodgy things come up on the youtube history. He's been looking at outfits, shoes and butt plugs on Wish. He knows that a lot of this stuff is shared but either he's too dumb to hide it properly or he doesn't care.

I'm so fucking tired of it. I feel nothing but contempt for him. I'd like to split but I'd lose my home as he'd be entitled to a share that would be more than I could raise to buy him out.

Our improving sex life has ground to a halt again because I don't want to be with him. There's nothing attractive about him at all.

I am over-eating again to compensate. I feel like I'm in quicksand. I just want out now but I have no idea how I'm going to get rid of him. I can't even sleep cos this shit is going round in my brain 24/7.

I need a plan. I have work to do.

Southern, I'm glad yours is finally gone, and condolences to you and the kids xx

HNY - sorry to hear it's still going on. You know it'll never stop and will only get worse. Easy for me to say but wouldn't it be worth splitting finances and leaving to get rid of him? You have the rest of your life ahead of you. No amount of money or property is worth living like that.

@HollywoodTease

Happy New Year ladies, or is it? Mine has (of course) not kept to his promise that everything would stop.

He's dialled it down, threw the androgen blockers and breast enlargement pills and some sex toys out but it's still there. I caught him messaging some random guy with pictures of him in his maid outfit last week. He called that "an error of judgement" ffs. The picture is his fucking screensaver on his phone. There's a couple of dodgy things come up on the youtube history. He's been looking at outfits, shoes and butt plugs on Wish. He knows that a lot of this stuff is shared but either he's too dumb to hide it properly or he doesn't care.

I'm so fucking tired of it. I feel nothing but contempt for him. I'd like to split but I'd lose my home as he'd be entitled to a share that would be more than I could raise to buy him out.

Our improving sex life has ground to a halt again because I don't want to be with him. There's nothing attractive about him at all.

I am over-eating again to compensate. I feel like I'm in quicksand. I just want out now but I have no idea how I'm going to get rid of him. I can't even sleep cos this shit is going round in my brain 24/7.

I need a plan. I have work to do.

Southern, I'm glad yours is finally gone, and condolences to you and the kids xx

Speaking from experience, there are honestly much worse things than being forced to have a new start in a new home. It turned out to be a massive blessing for me.