Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

@SouthernTW, my ex did the love-bombing thing to me too, in the last months we lived together. Things like doing household chores that he would never do before. I just thought it was rather sad. And it didn't affect my decision to leave at all.

Isn't love-bombing the third phase of the cycle of abuse? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse#3:_Reconciliation/honeymoon

Yes the narcissistic abuse cycle includes idealisation, devaluing and discarding repeatedly. Love bombing is part of the idealisation phase.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

Nice to see you back Tinsel hope the break did you some good.
Did you actually take a break? I have a feeling you didn't have very long
My ex did bugger all in terms of cooking or housework until the great awakening... At which point he started elaborate baking. It finished me off, as I realized he saw that as women's work, and something he would start doing with great fanfare. It was the last straw, seeing his misogyny laid bare.

@socialworker222

Nice to see you back Tinsel hope the break did you some good. Did you actually take a break? I have a feeling you didn't have very long My ex did bugger all in terms of cooking or housework until the great awakening... At which point he started elaborate baking. It finished me off, as I realized he saw that as women's work, and something he would start doing with great fanfare. It was the last straw, seeing his misogyny laid bare.

I only managed about 3 days before I got dragged back into Twitter. I'm managing not to answer emails to the website though so at least that's something

Here's to a better 2021, fellow trans widows!

Yes good morning from the UK, and I hope 2021 is a better year for you all whether you're thinking about your situation, making big decisions and changes, going it alone, or sitting tight with a partner doing this. You're not.on your own

https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2021/jan/02/from-now-on-i-was-in-an-lgbtq-family-my-husband-came-out-as-trans-while-i-was-on-maternity-leave

Interesting article in the Guardian.

We told the kids tonight that he is moving out on Friday. My poor sweet daughter was inconsolable. I just can't understand how cavalier he is about our children's feelings. I am counting the minutes until he is gone.

That article is heartbreaking. And infuriating. What kind of selfish person does that to a woman who just had a baby, especially after years of infertility?

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread but have, last night, ended a six-month relationship last night.

I feel like a boiled frog and while I had some reservations, I didn't have any idea. painful in all ways.

I just fucking bewildered and so fucking sorry some of you (I suppose it's now us) have lived this. I feel used and dirty and so hurt.

@TinselAngel read that article and so much she put up with. What got me though was a spot with something like for flesh and blood people it is doubtful that it ever something like the wife finding a dress had been worn or finding women’s clothes that are not their own. Oh really?

Southern how awful for you. Telling our kids was the worst moment for me. I think you will feel better when he actually goes. You've done really well keeping things ticking over and telling your daughter in a planned way.
Hi Fenella, did you just break up with a man who turned out to be a crossdresser/ wants to transition? Sorry if I missed earlier.posts from you. Given you ended it, I hope you feel some relief?
Need to read the article again but agree. I plan to write in and note 'transphobia' isn't what automatically drives the decision to leave...

@SouthernTW so sorry it has hit your daughter so hard. Hope the new year brings improvements with him out of the house. The selfishness is unreal at times.

@SouthernTW

We told the kids tonight that he is moving out on Friday. My poor sweet daughter was inconsolable. I just can't understand how cavalier he is about our children's feelings. I am counting the minutes until he is gone.

That article is heartbreaking. And infuriating. What kind of selfish person does that to a woman who just had a baby, especially after years of infertility?

This will be a very tough few weeks as you all adjust, but you are strong and you will get through it.

Southern, I hope you and your kids are doing okay. This also was a difficult point for my kids, but long term, it has worked out for the best.

It's been a rough few days. But one kid seems to be doing ok. Spouse has a poor relationship with him anyway. The other is struggling. She has remarked that he is leaving and not spending any time with her. I hate that I can't fix that. I just keep validating her feelings.

We will be gone when the movers come to take his things on Friday. I am actually doing better than I was because I am now in mama bear mode. I'm circling the wagons and protecting my kids. He needs to take his self-focused self and get gone.

It's horrible isn't it? I remember DD saying shortly after we moved out that it felt like one of her parents had died. It does get better though, I promise

@TinselAngel

It's horrible isn't it? I remember DD saying shortly after we moved out that it felt like one of her parents had died. It does get better though, I promise

My DD's support worker and CAFCASS social worker both said DD was suffering a bereavement at the loss of her Daddy, when he suddenly dressed in extremely sexualised women's clothes, heavy make up, high heels, nail varnish and strong perfume one Saturday morning after picking her up dressed as a man on the Friday night. They don't care about how anyone else feels, least of all their children. It's all about their right to be stunning and brave.

The disregard for children's needs in these stories is very much hidden from public view. One of my children describes being left in limbo, not accepting or wanting to know the made-up 'new' person, and unable to access the father they knew. I can't imagine how that feels for children or teenagers. It's bewildering enough for a grown woman.

Upsettingly, mine says it would have been easier if Dad had died. I privately agree entirely. There would have been absolute clarity, room to grieve the loss (which is entirely forbidden it seems, everyone just has to get on board, wave the rainbow flag and celebrate), and a preserved memory of a good parent who has gone.
Instead mine have him being here-but-not-here, no permission, place or support to grieve, and a complex memory of someone remote who was loved, but who then behaved badly.

It is so hard on the kids. So glad Southern that yours have you to help them and that you won’t be there for the moving day. Mine is asking if they have two moms and I explain that no you have one mom and one dad even though yes some kids do have two moms. ‘But dad is a girl’...and I want so bad to scream he most certainly is not. So I just reinforce that he has a mom and a dad. I am mom and if it would feel easier to say they have two parents that is fine. Meanwhile dad’s costume while more age appropriate is looking more and more like a costume of me.

I am slightly worried about the moving day: is it certain that the departing person won't decide to take things which do not belong to them? If there is someone who'd be prepared to keep an eye on them, it might be a good plan. Or if there are lockable doors, locking the rooms which have nothing of theirs in them, maybe?

I'm terrified of having to deal with the fallout of him socially transitioning. What to tell the boys, how it'll affect them. (I keep thinking about Chandler from Friends and how it screwed him up). He's desperate to be called mum, but that's a hard, hard line I will not let him cross. I'm the mother, not him and he never will be. I don't understand why they think they can be or should be.

The Mum thing is really hard. Just stand your ground. If you're that gender-free and easy, you can surely be a Dad and wear a dress? Luckily I've never had that demand. If I did, I'd still call him Dad (but then I still call him 'him' so am Satan in human form) and ultimately your kids will choose what they call him to his face, and when he's not around. Hard for younger children who are told two different sets of terminology, but they'll work out where they stand. Mine remain unconvinced that their father is a woman regardless of my views (which I keep to myself on the whole).

Mine don't know about the "transition" yet. Part of me thinks he still may not go through with it. Honestly, I think he's going to have a mental breakdown in a few weeks. But yes, when he starts that direction it's going to be even worse for these kids. I already feel it would be better if he died instead of this.

There will be no usurping the title of Mom in this family. I have made that clear. And I have already told him not to expect me to call him anything else but he and his current name. He doesn't even really want to see the kids much, so that's a blessing. Although they don't understand that right now. And his stupid therapist who thinks this isn't traumatizing to children.

Others will be here in the house as he moves, so I'm not worried about him taking things he shouldn't. In fact, it's just the opposite. He's leaving all kinds of his crap that I'm going to have to sort through because he no longer wants it.

I'm so tired and struggling to get done the work I need for starting classes next week.