Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

I've come across this attitude... If only society had been less transphobic, my ex could have transitioned as a teen in the 70s and never married me, so the blame lies there, not with him. My ex certainly had enormous male and class privilege and the ability to own his feelings long ago. He didn't grow up in Uganda or Iraq, or in poverty and had the personal resources NOT to lie and draw in others like me and my kids. We could say as TWs that we support early identification and support for trans people to avoid the creation of more of us. Trouble is most of us are unconvinced by the whole gender ideology and don't see that as the solution to men with fetishes, mental health issues or personal problems. In my job I deal with young people and very rarely come across.one for whom transitioning works, resolves their complex mental health issues, and gives them that happy new life. The vast majority, that staff agree on but can never say out loud, are damaged and/or unwell and remain so despite being granted the transition they think will change everything. As for the middle aged men we ensure, very different motivation dressed-up as the need to change gender. This quote also ignores that, regardless of context, adults shouldn't treat women and children like shit and that should not be condoned.

Great points, Social

It also reminds me of how liberal feminism being about equality for everyone rather than women's liberation, gives women (possibly deliberately) an impossible task. This quote makes spouses responsible for getting rid of society's homophobia. It's a huge task that dilutes your focus on women.

How are we going to succeed where rich groups like stonewall may have failed?

I also resent the implication that women's struggle is just part of a larger issue that is affecting men. This is just the 11th rule of misogyny in action: Whatever women suffer from, it is worse when it happens to men.

This is where prioritising keeping the LGBT onside, gets a spouses group, and it's why Trans Widows Voices needs to stay completely female focussed IMO.

Tinsel, I had never seen the Rules of Misogyny before. They are, well, wow, really accurate and depressing. I suspect this one hits home for several of us:

Rule #17. Men are better at performing femininity than women are because they invented it and it gives them a boner.

@QuinnMovesOn

Tinsel, I had never seen the Rules of Misogyny before. They are, well, wow, really accurate and depressing. I suspect this one hits home for several of us:

Rule #17. Men are better at performing femininity than women are because they invented it and it gives them a boner.

I may have had had something to do with that one 👀

Wanted to wish everyone a Happy Christmas. For wonderful women on the thread in the UK it's now Christmas Day and I've drunk too much and have just stuffed stockings quite badly . But to all of you wherever you are, Christmas can be really difficult, painful, sad, nostalgic, hard work and lonely as well as.all the nice bits (friends and family who were there for me all year, the wonderful kids that came out of my disastrous marriage) so I hope you're okay. I never cease to be impressed by the humour and intelligence of women here, and our mutual support is something to feel good about. Much love l

@socialworker222

Wanted to wish everyone a Happy Christmas. For wonderful women on the thread in the UK it's now Christmas Day and I've drunk too much and have just stuffed stockings quite badly . But to all of you wherever you are, Christmas can be really difficult, painful, sad, nostalgic, hard work and lonely as well as.all the nice bits (friends and family who were there for me all year, the wonderful kids that came out of my disastrous marriage) so I hope you're okay. I never cease to be impressed by the humour and intelligence of women here, and our mutual support is something to feel good about. Much love l

😘

Thoughts particularly with those of you who know it's your last Christmas of relative normality before you face a change

Hi, I'm new here. My partner is trans (mtf) and I've been searching for somewhere like this where I don't have to feel transphobic for struggling and having GC views (which directly came about because of him and the trans brigade).

The basic story is that my partner has started hrt so he can become a woman. He started while I was pregnant with our second son by buying hormones from overseas so that when he went to a transpositive informed consent doctor she'd have to prescribe them due to duty of care. I didn't find this out until later, through a comment he made on reddit to one of the many many trans subs he's joined. 3 years ago he had trans thoughts, but they went away when he was less depressed. Now he's more determined than before to transition, although right now he's way in the closet because we live with my parents.

I'm struggling so hard with this all. My depression has flared pretty badly lately. I feel so stuck and confused and angry and hurt. I'm on a waiting list for therapy so I've no idea how long I'll have to wait.

Sorry I'm a lurker; I'm so desperately sad and angry on your behalf themisery. Do you have a small baby? Want an awful thing to have to deal with when you're pregnant and early post partum.

My baby is 7 months now, and my eldest is 4. I didn't find out that he was talking the hormones until a couple of months ago, he'd been hiding it from me. It really hurt to find out that he'd been doing it while I was pregnant, struggling with mental health because work (bully boss), and the pandemic. Plus he's been unemployed for some time, so he was spending my money on those drugs which I assume aren't legal.

Welcome Chick. You're in an awful position, having found out and with children so young. I'm so sorry you're the earner and under so much pressure anyway. It sounds good you live with family even if they don't know. Sounds like you need to start to think about what you want. Will you want to stay if he transitions? Would you want to separate? Sounds like if so he would need to leave and it wouldn't disrupt your living arrangements? Is he your childcare? Or is it too much at the moment to make any early decisions? If so, do you need to set some ground rules and start to protect your finances, maybe get some legal advice to hold in hand for the future? You don't have to do anything yet, but you could start to.prepare for.your options if you do decide to.ask him to leave. I may be jumping the gun... Also can you tell someone, a friend of relative so that you are not alone with this? Whatever, and sorry to fire questions at you, you've come to the right place. Many of us have been through this and come out the other side so hang on in there.

@themiserychick

My baby is 7 months now, and my eldest is 4. I didn't find out that he was talking the hormones until a couple of months ago, he'd been hiding it from me. It really hurt to find out that he'd been doing it while I was pregnant, struggling with mental health because work (bully boss), and the pandemic. Plus he's been unemployed for some time, so he was spending my money on those drugs which I assume aren't legal.

I'm so sorry - this is absolutely awful. Do you feel able to end the relationship? You know it's only going to get worse after reading the stories here. Do you feel able to tell your parents? You need their support and they have a right to know what's happening in their house. How dare he!!!

I'm pretty sure that the relationship won't last, but I don't feel able to end it yet, at least until I get to therapy. I have some anxiety about it and having to tell people why. Even though he's got serious problems he's really good with the kids and doing housework and cooking. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just taking him for granted in that respect.

I had to quit my job because I just couldn't face going back there, I'm so burnt out and mentally not able to deal with it. So finances aren't great but I do have savings to last a while. He actually took money from his superannuation fund so he could pay for face lasering because I told him I wouldn't pay for it.

I have no one I can talk to about this. That's why I've been all over the internet to find somewhere I can at least vent. Any searches usually point you towards the people and places that are supportive and positive and happy about their trans partner. It's so unfair.

I'm so sorry themisery, you're carrying so much on your shoulders and I can't imagine how you felt when you found out. It's hard enough with two small children and bully bosses.

You've found the right place here. Many wise women. Sending many hugs

themiserychic Please, are there any online therapists you can access. There are some NHS trusts that offer this service free. Other than that is there any family or friend you can talk to in absolute confidence.
I know the shame and fear you feel, but it's his closet, not yours. It's his thing/mental issue/shame NOT YOURS.
You don't have to say about the details, you could start by saying it's a sex lifestyle issue that isn't compatible with your needs and wants and is damaging you and interfering with family life.

I would advise that thinking about separating at this point can be too overwhelming, so you don't have to think that far into the future.

I would also try and take some deep breaths, taking the emotion out of things (more easy said than done). Then practice saying what you want in the partnership then taking him somewhere quiet and be absolutely honest about what you want from him as a life partner and what you cannot tolerate.
Let him know that if he carries on as he is there is a high chance your partnership will not survive because you both want such different things.

Most importantly of all talk to your Bank TODAY. Get your finances away from him now, this second, without delay.

You will survive this whatever happens. Don't think to much of the future, think about today and one thing at a time.

@themiserychick

I'm pretty sure that the relationship won't last, but I don't feel able to end it yet, at least until I get to therapy. I have some anxiety about it and having to tell people why. Even though he's got serious problems he's really good with the kids and doing housework and cooking. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just taking him for granted in that respect.

I had to quit my job because I just couldn't face going back there, I'm so burnt out and mentally not able to deal with it. So finances aren't great but I do have savings to last a while. He actually took money from his superannuation fund so he could pay for face lasering because I told him I wouldn't pay for it.

I have no one I can talk to about this. That's why I've been all over the internet to find somewhere I can at least vent. Any searches usually point you towards the people and places that are supportive and positive and happy about their trans partner. It's so unfair.

I can direct you to a superb psychotherapist who specialises in complex PTSD & narcissistic abuse and over the last few years has also built up experience of supporting trans widows so really will understand. Online video appointments by Skype available so location is no issue. She really changed everything for me. Message me if you want her details

Hi misery I'm glad you've found us, and you've already been given some good advice.

A couple of things that I would add- it sounds like he's really pretty far down the rabbit hole, he's already taking cross sex hormones and is immersed in online trans communities. He's also working on getting rid of body hair. This points to him having made the decision to transition- did the doctor that you mention refer him to a GIC? He's not just dabbling in this,from what you've said. I don't want to scare you by pointing the above out, but I think it will be useful for you to keep in mind if he starts to try and minimise it.

In my experience, those feelings from 3 years ago won't have really gone away in the interim, he'll have just got better at hiding them for a while.

The good thing is though, you're in quite a strong position if/ when you do chose to end the relationship. It sounds like you are not married, so you are under no obligation to support him financially. Also you are living with your parents, where presumably he has no legal right to reside so making him leave shouldn't be too much of a problem.

You have young children so it is REALLY important that you prioritise your own mental health. I'd definitely think about using some of your savings to pay for counselling if you're going to have to wait ages otherwise.

Oh and welcome back @EmilyHowardsWife - how are you doing?

themiserychick That stuck feeling can paralyse you and become overwhelming. It can become difficult to sort out priorities.

What you will tell other people is the least of your worries. Its not your problem. You can make up a stock answer. 'Its so sad but we are just moving apart.''

Getting back to work is more important. It doesnt have to be the same job - but get out of the house and spend time in a culture that isn't about his transition and what the future brings. That and having an independant income will help you break out of the rut.

TinselAngel. I'm doing well, better than a few years ago. Hope you are doing okay as well.

Thanks everyone, I know I need to get going, I'm just having trouble starting. My finances are my own and he has no access to them. I have money and he doesn't. We are not married, you can thank my eldest for that. FYI I am Australian, so no NHS here, we have Medicare instead. Hopefully I'll be processed quickly in the new year, my partner is having the same issue with therapy.

I kind of have a plan, but of course anxiety gets in the way. Will start looking for work again in the new year, but I dread having to go back to childcare work, because that's what I'm qualified for.

@themiserychick

Thanks everyone, I know I need to get going, I'm just having trouble starting. My finances are my own and he has no access to them. I have money and he doesn't. We are not married, you can thank my eldest for that. FYI I am Australian, so no NHS here, we have Medicare instead. Hopefully I'll be processed quickly in the new year, my partner is having the same issue with therapy.

I kind of have a plan, but of course anxiety gets in the way. Will start looking for work again in the new year, but I dread having to go back to childcare work, because that's what I'm qualified for.

Please talk to your parents. Tell them everything. Then they can take over if you feel overwhelmed.

@themiserychick

Thanks everyone, I know I need to get going, I'm just having trouble starting. My finances are my own and he has no access to them. I have money and he doesn't. We are not married, you can thank my eldest for that. FYI I am Australian, so no NHS here, we have Medicare instead. Hopefully I'll be processed quickly in the new year, my partner is having the same issue with therapy.

I kind of have a plan, but of course anxiety gets in the way. Will start looking for work again in the new year, but I dread having to go back to childcare work, because that's what I'm qualified for.

I used to think I had a problem with anxiety, particularly around the time that you are now at, and it took counselling and and anti depressants to get it under control. Now I suspect my problem was less with unreasonable levels of anxiety and more with the huge trauma I was going through.

What is it that you are particularly anxious about? Telling other people? Coping on your own? We may be able to suggest ways to mitigate it.

@TinselAngel I've had issues with anxiety since I was in primary school from bullying, and depression since high school, so it's not entirely because of this particular trauma. This whole situation has made it worse lately though. I have anxiety about confrontation, of telling people, of coping on my own, dealing with him and trans stuff, having to start working full time again... The list seems endless sometimes. I'm not on antidepressants at the moment, I believe that this current depression is completely situational and won't be helped with them. It's this, plus the bullying from work, plus the pandemic, and everything else that's weighing me down.

We were out of the country for Christmas. Thank God. I couldn't have handled this last holiday at home. But wifi was spotty, so I am catching up with you all now.

@themiserychick- I can't even imagine going through this with children that young. I do think telling your parents or a therapist may lighten your load just a little. This is such a traumatic experience. I completely relate to the what will I tell people question. I am just filled with shame and embarrassment.

Spouse's moveout date is approaching and we are going to tell the kids this weekend. It was nice to be gone, but it messed with my head. There was a lot of lovebombing going on. Spouse was exceptionally affectionate and kept up with the "you don't know how hard this is for me" and "I just want to be married to you" nonsense. And his piss poor parenting was very much at the forefront this past week. He didn't even go to Christmas breakfast with us because he was fasting and going to the gym. His last Christmas morning with his kids (because our separation agreement gives me every Christmas) and he couldn't even sit at the same table at the same time even if he wasn't going to eat.

@TinselAngel- I struggle with the SSN approach and really don't think trans widows' issues are in the same wheelhouse as straight spouses anyway.

Nice to see you back Tinsel hope the break did you some good. For all you women