Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

'Now that's What I Call Transwidows' ...

Well there's always Valentine's Day

@socialworker222

'Now that's What I Call Transwidows' ...

Hilarious 😂😂

Spouse signed a lease today. We will tell the kids just after the new year. The end is in sight. Well, an end, at least. It's only just beginning for my poor kids.

It's progress Southern. You can use it as breathing-space, or turn it into a full separation. You get some control and space and time to think.
It's really rough on kids, and greatly unappreciated by the wider world. Brace yourself for telling them -whatever the circumstances it's a terrible moment in family life. But most find a way through it however bewildering and upsetting. Hope you get to have a decent Christmas.

@SouthernTW, I'm very glad to hear this. I know for me, I couldn't even begin to start sorting out my own life until after my ex and I were no longer living together. I hope things start to settle down for you soon.

@socialworker222

It's progress Southern. You can use it as breathing-space, or turn it into a full separation. You get some control and space and time to think. It's really rough on kids, and greatly unappreciated by the wider world. Brace yourself for telling them -whatever the circumstances it's a terrible moment in family life. But most find a way through it however bewildering and upsetting. Hope you get to have a decent Christmas.

Yes, it's definitely a movement forward. I am very ready for him to be out of the house and even asked that he start spending some time at his new place to give us more space. I just very much resent the way he went about it. He had been dithering about and despite repeated attempts to get clarity from him, he still told the family counselor on Tuesday he was too conflicted to move out and wanted to discuss some potential compromise. On Wednesday morning before I left the house, I even asked are you going to sign a lease today and he said he didn't know. And then I come home Wednesday afternoon and he's off signing it and tells me after the fact. So much for his pledge to be "respectful, honest, and transparent."

But yes, this will be a defining moment for my kids. I am ready to move forward with a life for the three of us. Unfortunately, we have a vacation planned in the middle of all the mess over Christmas week. So, we will tell them when we get back.

I'm also really glad I homeschool so I can just give them a pass on school stuff in January if it's necessary.

I'm exhausted so I'm going to have a couple of weeks off. I know there's enough of you here now that you can manage without me 😘

peace to you Tinsel

@TinselAngel

I'm exhausted so I'm going to have a couple of weeks off. I know there's enough of you here now that you can manage without me 😘

You deserve a break! Take good care.

Sounds good Southern. We did a holiday and it was tough going. It's mixed feelings wanting them to go and grieving the loss of your family life. Take care of yourself.
Talking of which, blimey Tinsel you've earned it

We have a move-out date- January 8. I don't think we are giving the kids enough notice, but I need him out. And he left early on Friday before the kids got up and they didn't even realize he was home until 3:30 in the afternoon.

I was having a discussion with him (which wasn't heated for a change), truly trying to understand his thinking about what exactly a "transwoman" is. He gave me the example that what if I somehow entered some sort of Wonderland where I knew I was a woman, but now had a penis and deep voice and people called me sir. And honestly, I just don't get this line of thinking. Who cares what other people think or call you? I know inside what I am and it's not defined by what others think I am. And honestly, doesn't have a lot to do with the fact that I am a woman. I think about my characteristics and they aren't necessarily associated with my body parts or society's ideas of womanhood. I am honest, hard-working, and responsible. I take care of my own shit and a lot of other people's too. I told him also that I don't even necessarily associate womanhood or what I consider femininity with positive things. Being a woman isn't about wearing dresses and heels or someone calling me ma'am. It's about being afraid to walk alone at night, it's about getting up in the middle of the night to pick up my kid's vomit. It's about my body never really being my own because someone needs a part of me- whether it's a shoulder or breast to feed and having to let medical providers pull things out of my uterus. It's about being told I am too assertive and argumentative for a woman. It's about not fitting in too well with the Christian women at church. I told him in a lot of ways I think it would have been easier for me to be a man, but I'm not changing my reality for something that's not.

Anyhow, feeling pensive today.

I bet you are. And you get to decide how much time and energy you want to put into trying to understand him. I never really bought my ex's narrative particularly as he lied a lot, and eventually decided it was pointless. And whatever he said I had ceased to trust him. You will be pensive over and over again. Takes a shedload of processing. But well done you, being decisive and trying a period of separation.

mine's just an AGP/crossdresser and has tons of women's underwear, tights etc. but isn't questioning his gender identity or transitioning. he already nearly went down that route years before I met him but decided the whole thing was a nonsense, but I hate that he has this fetish. I don't know if this is the right place for me.

@SouthernTW happy to hear you have a date settled!

I’ve pondered the same so very much about his reasoning. Had tried the conversation early on a few times but didn’t get anywhere. I feel the same on what you wrote about with always someone needing a piece of you and the expectations we face. So very clearly put.

Once when I tried to mention how my interests and skills were a mix of things coded as ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ as an attempt to see what he really thought was making him a woman he responded with telling me he’d never judged me for my size. Um ok. Don’t know if that was a jab to just try and be hurtful or expressing that he equates woman with thin therefore to him I’m not woman enough (sorry buddy but I am a woman no matter the scale just how it is). His expression so far is very focused on weight and elimination of all body hair except for long head hair. Nothing outside of appearance and sexual self gratification.

@mariposita in my situation he was the same for several years with AGP/cross dressing then escalated to an announcement about transitioning. Even though your situation has not escalated to that point yet if you aren’t comfortable with how things are you may find a lot of support and resources here.

Before things had escalated I do wish I had though about my boundaries and had spoken up for myself. As it was I didn’t speak up that I was not comfortable with many things and just resigned myself to get through. I think I felt like it would equate to shaming rather that just plainly stating they were actions/attractions for me. From here and elsewhere I’ve learned that learning your own boundaries is important and that you are allowed to have boundaries.

I'm frankly exhausted by all the processing. I wish my brain would take a day off. Even a few hours.

@mariposita- You definitely belong here if you want to hang with us. I think you are still dealing with many of the same behaviors whether or not your husband has decided to be public about it right now. We are here for you.

@SeasideM- What a jackass comment about your size. We are dealing with the same thing here- removal of all hair except for the disgusting untamed mop on top of his head. And the obsession with weight is ridiculous. He started losing weight to get healthy and now it's to get his BMI under 20. I found out there was a period of time in his 20s which he never disclosed to me) where he bought clothes etc. but then gave it up because he didn't like the way he looked and couldn't pass. I asked him why he thought it would be different now and he said because now he will be able to fit into the clothes. [eye rolls]

I am feeling rather resentful today. My son has behavioral issues and has been struggling the last few days. Not that spouse really helps now, but it just felt like an avalanche as I kept confirming to myself how everything will be all on me. It pretty much all is now anyway. But now I'm going to deal with financial uncertainty, all of the chores (the piddly few he does), and all of the emotional fallout when he moves out. And he doesn't even seem to recognize the selfishness of it all.

I want him out, but I am struggling with being ready to be a single mother in fact, instead of just practice.

@SouthernTW how beyond frustrating! I get the resentful feelings. It totally sucks to have everything be on you no matter how much of relief it will be after that move out date there will be so much other weight to handle as well. The isolation right now doesn’t help either. Sucks so much you are dealing with this.

Very similar here. I hadn’t known about previous clothing. Before we moved in together there was one item but for a man in the 30’s with a very stereotypically bachelor messy rented room I never thought twice as it could have been an exes or a laundry mix up as one roommate was a woman. I would have never guessed had I not walked in on it. Got an unsolicited comment from him early after his announcement about how attractive he is considered in his new circle (eye roll). Granted that anyone can feel being attractive as very important this had been my first experience of it seeming vital to womanhood. Being something valued more in many societies yeah of course have felt that and internalized it like many women have...but never to quite to this extreme. I think I’ve been out loud asked him a few times if he thinks I’m a man. Sometimes my hair is long, sometimes not, sometimes makeup, most times not, weight all over the place, shaving what I want when I choose. None of those choices I ever equates with needing to make the “right” one to keep being a woman.

@socialworker222 I think I’m headed towards deciding on less energy on figuring it out. Early on I tried more but got a lot of twisting of my words and fell time and again into a trap of spinning myself out of control begging to explain myself. Some of that came after finally stating a boundary and his kind of not believing I ever had an discomfort with past things as I didn’t speak up. Like it had never occurred to him that many people (often women) push down their feelings to allow a partner to have free reign to not “rock the boat” or to “be nice” “be accommodating”. Not a good choice in my case but I certainly don’t think it was a rare one especially after reading so many women’s stories.

Hope everyone is doing as well as they can be right now.

Oh Southern, the obsession with weight is such vanity and self-obsession. When my ex left he was most concerned to take the bathroom scales, literally, way above family photos or anything else.
And carrying it all on your own is ironically SO female - whatever the reason, all my similarly middle-aged friends getting divorced are juggling it all and worn out. But we all get to escape in the end, fingers crossed.

I'd be interested to hear what other trans widows think of this, from an organisation that is supposed to support us. I really could not disagree more.

@TinselAngel

I'd be interested to hear what other trans widows think of this, from an organisation that is supposed to support us. I really could not disagree more.

I don't understand what they mean! We aren't hurt by "anti gay" attitudes - homophobic attitudes or discrimination hurts gay people not "straight spouses".

They're saying our exes are the real victims because nasty society prevented them from living their authentic lives and made them marry us.

Yes, that's rather baffling.